The Chicken Pen (Feedback Thread)

[SworderZaciano]

It’s me next, isn’t it? Damn. I’m nervous

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

It’s me next, isn’t it? Damn. I’m nervous

I looked at the synopsis. It's like a play on Tron? If you've not read the basics on that movie, you should. It's really cool.

 

[Sylver]

Greetings, Sylver. Thank you for your great words, know that the chicks have fought over who would have the turn of feeding over your story after your delightful words… not really, but know they were well received at least. The bird who won the fight has come with the following words back to you.

Firstly, the chick has read chapters Prologue, 15 and 37 for the purpose of this review, and has counted with the support of another bird during the reading but mostly alone for the writing of the following text. Summing up the following, your text can get quite confusing sometimes, either due to some strange ideas that lurk into it, because of some misunderstandings you might have of the English language, or because of some edits you might make in the text and not iron to perfection.

Chapter 1:​

1. Misc Eng: "you almost as if tiny little faires tickled your senses," "this place is on the inside then it seemed on the outside". Each one of these is something you should work one, but not the last one.
2. Reference confusion: "Sat upon the desk smiling as you approach her is a young looking woman". Who sat and who do I approach? Who is her? This is so confusing.
3. Idea Incongruence: "Clean air, nice wooden work with that squeaky creak with each step you take." What nice wooden work that creaks?

Chapter 15:​

1. The paragraph: "She kissed him (…) into the farm." It is almost like you do not want to let go of your ideas. You start a paragraph with A and end it with Z. If dialogue were not a thing, your paragraphs would also not be a thing. For those that are not close to someone speaking, are HUGE. You group needlessly ideas that could work better on their own.
2. Idea Incongruence: "He peeled off his sweaty tunic and used it to wipe away the sweat off". People don't usually use wet things to dry.
3. Misc English: "hugging her mates arm," "The strength in is legs began," "feet against the cat girls chest," "them were stronger then before." There are still many of these errant mistakes left.
4. Idea incongruence: "Not even the insects dared to move or blink," "Long have I been in search (…) Though the scent is different, not human I believe…", "KuliKuli was not playing around." Each one of these ideas is a strange thing: Do insects blink? Never seen one do; She is a wolf, she should orientate herself through smell, and therefore be aware that others were there from that and not by sight, and then they also have acute sound sense;
5. Reference Confusion: "He smiled but she could still sadness in his eyes." Could what?

Chapter 37:​

1. Repetitive words: "Light." "Begin to." While one of them is the visible phenomenon, and the other is one of its descriptions, it has been overly repeated and lost its magnanimity. Why are you ALWAYS prefixing your verbs with beginning during the performance?
2. Reference confusion: "Just at a quick glance ahead", "As he explained, he began tapped the side of his head with his finger". What did she take a quick glance at? What was the consequence of this? This is not how English typically works. Began tapped? This is most likely the remains of an edit. They are EVERYWHERE.
3. Idea incongruence: "in a fancy cylinder hat", "as the crowd began to grow quiet after a minute had passed, leaving the air grow awkward" Cylinder hat instead of a Top Hat? It makes me think of so many weird things. A ring master is the one who leads the act, and therefore, they would never let things grow awkward, because their role is to make sure everyone is having fun, rescuing others when things go wrong. They are the utmost senior staff in the show.

Conclusion:

You repeatedly commit the same confusing things: your ideas sometimes go wrong due to how they sound in English, probably due to not being that familiar with the idea initially; repeating words and ideas where you could have gone with a little broader approach; probably forgetting to review your chapters before you post them.

The various words with disturbing ideas, such as when insects blink, when you forget to complete a "could" sentence, and mistaken a "than" for a "then", by themselves are not that much, but united created a surreal picture that is pervasive and has distracted the chicks from enjoying what could have otherwise been a pleasant fantasy tale. Understand, also, that your overly long paragraphs also do not help, since they put together notions that would make better sense separate. This would also help readers to better navigate your story in case they get lost when they are reading.

In the end, there has never really been something that by itself was enough for saying "OK, this is a real mistake," but just so many little things that have made your story be reminded as fragments of inconsistencies and weird choices. This chick does believe that you can write something good, it is just that without ironing out these strange things left behind either by poor edits or poor understanding of the language, your story might not be more than light entertainment. And you have some interesting ideas in your text that could be presented better. It is all about how you are presenting them, not the so much the quality of them.
This chick hopes you have a good day.

Huh, not the response I was expecting. So in summary it sounds like I need to edit and proofread my chapters. I was hoping to get some feedback about the story and characters but I understand.

May I ask if you could elaborate about your conclusion, specifically when you mentioned that I have some interesting ideas, what were they?

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Huh, not the response I was expecting. So in summary it sounds like I need to edit and proofread my chapters. I was hoping to get some feedback about the story and characters but I understand.

Thank you for your feedback, nonetheless!

You can always ask for a second time. The topic is open for second requests. But the chicks may just see the same things if you do not work on that which they suggest the first time. Feel free to come again, they might accept your offering.

Your plot itself, it is not boring. If there is a problem for this chick, it's due to the presentation. You have an interesting idea: the chicks really did not find aversion where you weave the harem, although they also were not particularly receptive as well. Unfortunately, due to the chapters they have read, the story was very different, and therefore, all it can say is that you are not lacking in plot development. For a more specific analysis of the plot, more chapters would have been required to be read, and they would have required to be in order. Unfortunately, that did not happen.

Though it can say that the idea of the Cirque du Soleil was somewhat appealing, the way you weaved the narrative was somewhat of a chore. You did not seem so familiar with the scene, or rather, was over descriptive at points, where it would have been better left to the readers imagination, either because you were overly repetitive with your words, or because you went too much into details in the narrative and it became a chore to trod through the text.
Aside from this, on the other chapters, you did demonstrate a better narrative style, although they were what these birds had to say, with the occasional logical demerit.

Wisest of the wise, I offer to you my story.
Glitchborn
It’s a work in progress but I would love a review on what it is till now.

Greetings, SworderZaciano. Thank you for your offering. The chicks have returned with feedback.

Firstly, the fed chick has read on chapters 1 and 11 of your story. Summing its opinion, the bird found it to be Purple Prose.

Conclusion:

With the intention of doing something different this time, and due to the nature of your text, since the chick has thought that your work uses too many words, the bird has decided to do the opposite. Therefore, it will be as brief as possible, hoping to show that a message with as few words as possible can be delivered without being rude.

Your story has so many round bounds, descriptives, going through so many alleys that it could have gone without, it ends up becoming a chore to read it. The chicks remember reading your previous stories and they were just as figural, one problem you still kept. If you could say what you wanted more directly, without being so incidental, your stories might become more accessible.
The chicks hope you have a good day.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

You can always ask for a second time. The topic is open for second requests. But the chicks may just see the same things if you do not work on that which they suggest the first time. Feel free to come again, they might accept your offering.

Your plot itself, it is not boring. If there is a problem for this chick, it's due to the presentation. You have an interesting idea: the chicks really did not find aversion where you weave the harem, although they also were not particularly receptive as well. Unfortunately, due to the chapters they have read, the story was very different, and therefore, all it can say is that you are not lacking in plot development. For a more specific analysis of the plot, more chapters would have been required to be read, and they would have required to be in order. Unfortunately, that did not happen.

Though it can say that the idea of the Cirque du Soleil was somewhat appealing, the way you weaved the narrative was somewhat of a chore. You did not seem so familiar with the scene, or rather, was over descriptive at points, where it would have been better left to the readers imagination, either because you were overly repetitive with your words, or because you went too much into details in the narrative and it became a chore to trod through the text.
Aside from this, on the other chapters, you did demonstrate a better narrative style, although they were what these birds had to say, with the occasional logical demerit.

Greetings, SworderZaciano. Thank you for your offering. The chicks have returned with feedback.

Firstly, the fed chick has read on chapters 1 and 11 of your story. Summing its opinion, the bird found it to be Purple Prose.

Conclusion:

With the intention of doing something different this time, and due to the nature of your text, since the chick has thought that your work uses too many words, the bird has decided to do the opposite. Therefore, it will be as brief as possible, hoping to show that a message with as few words as possible can be delivered without being rude.

Your story has so many round bounds, descriptives, going through so many alleys that it could have not gone without, it ends up becoming a chore to read it. The chicks remember reading your previous stories and they were just as figural, one problem you still kept. If you could say what you wanted more directly, without being so incidental, your stories might become more accessible.
The chicks hope you have a good day.

Spot on review. Thank the chicks for such dedication :)

 

[kaylawritesthepaige]

Hello there, stranger, welcome to the Chicken Pen.
Are you a writer, but do not have opinionated readers? Are you an author, but no one wants to actually look at what you have created? The chicken pen is the perfect place for you, then!
The Chicken Pen is a place of opinions. We offer several menus for you to choose from: from simple chick size to super chick size! But it all comes as a surprise! You have to first feed one of our resident chicks with your Story, and it will decide whether it is worth being eaten or not. But fret not, our chicks are not particular about what they eat:

1 - A story's text has to be selectable from a web-browser;
2 - A story must be posted on the internet and not downloaded into someone's computer;
3 - The chick decides what it eats. It never overfeeds;
4 - You can try to feed the chick more than once, but it is up to the chick to decide whether it eats or not;
5 - The chick only eats things that belong to the person trying to feed it;

If you would like to try your luck on a chick's opinion, here is your chance!
If you have any questions about an opinion, ask about it. The chicks do not tend to comment on comments about their comments.

**The Chicken Pen is a place dedicated to knowledge. Anyone who wanders here acknowledges that they are trying to better themselves on that which they have offered themselves in doing. Therefore, you are aware that once you have fed something to a chick, and it has returned to you an opinion, you acknowledge that you asked for it, and that regardless of how offended you might be by the chick's opinion, you will not pursue any senseless act of self-righting your so-called honour that might have been hurt by this Chicken Pen.**

Next 3 people to have their feed offered to the chicks:
RiaCorvidiva
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here's my story MARS. Its an erotica with a deep plot.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Oh great and fellow birb, please, I humbly offer my sacrifice for your consumption: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/959576/the-legacy-of-dragonfire/

Please, grace me with your taste and wisdom, so that I may improve.

Greetings, RiaCorvidiva. Thank you for the offering, the chicks have come back with feedback.

Firstly, chapter 1 has been read for the purpose of the following words. Understand that your narrative, while well thought, it was not well received by the birds. The style is not the thing that they are used to feeding on.

Chapter 1:​

1. Idea incongruence: "the last lights of the sun peeking out from just below the horizon." "With her decades of training, she made even the sound of her breath as quiet as possible." Which lights? There is only one light of the Sun. As quiet as what? No matter how many centuries of training she might have had, anyone would have made their breath sound as quiet as something. Your character, however, does not compare to anything, and therefore, is mote.
2. Reference confusion: "including humans untrained with magic", "Elissa said in a shouting whisper." Untrained IN magic. What is that? Is it a shout? Is it a whisper? No, it's a shouting whisper! Which is it, for real?
3. Idea Incongruence: "One final leap high into the sky over the southern portion of the Mycosi Woods led her to a clearing just to the southwest at the forest’s edge. (…) She forced her breath through the blowgun. Poof. Poof. Poof. Three shots. Three clean hits." After coming from the air, the most conspicuous route one can approach from, because they would then be making so much noise not avoiding branches and leaves, our MC lands somehow stealthily, has the time to take THREE deep breaths and blow a blowgun to knock-down 3 humans without them reacting? The act of breathing is very different from arms and legs, it uses the diaphragm, a muscle that can hardly be hastened, nor can the lungs produce the same push when you only breathe out half as much, with only half as much air inside, nor decide to compress the air that they breathe.
4. Narrator: "She forced her breath through the blowgun. Poof. Poof. Poof. Three shots. Three clean hits. The damned idiots probably didn’t even know what hit them before they fell on the ground." You are using an omniscient narrator, this bird can see, but you have to properly highlight what is character thought from the narrative. One of the chicks ended up a bit too indisposed and confused.
5. Idea Incongruence: "Zethira pushed her to the ground, saving Elissa’s life but taking the arrow in her own shoulder in the process. The archer groaned and collapsed on the ground just as the arrow made impact." How did the archer go down? Just how?

Conclusion:

Who are these characters? Why should this chick care? We have a half dragon, a princess who has been kidnapped, bandits being steam-rolled and an over-the-top narrative that is full of logical deficiencies. And this feathered creature can't empathize with anything at all. Too many logic-defying things have happened in the first chapter. Sorry to tell, but no other chapters have been read.

However, you could see this as a positive. Although the chicks could not go through more of your story, it was not because you have failed to weave one. In fact, it is because they were averse to it, and not because you failed to deliver one. You have characters, you have a good writing style, although one of the birds found it unconventional (the other explained what it was and was OK with it). Perhaps none of them are the readers which this story is targeted at, that is why we have been unable to read more. Otherwise, there were no serious problems to be had with it, hence why they were of the "Logical Deficiency" kind, where we have failed to come into a mutual understanding of what you were trying to tell us with your words, and therefore, tell us a tale.

This being the case, understand this as at least one of the chicks acknowledging your writing style as readable. It's just that we, of this pen, could not be interested in reading more of your story. Not because you do not know how to write.
Have a good day, Crown Divine Writer.

 

[RiaCorvidiva]

Well, I must admit that that is hardly the feedback I was expecting or hoping for, but I will accept it with grace. However, there are a couple of things I would point out, not because I wish to criticize the chicks for disliking my story, but because I want to better understand why they were confused.

"Elissa said in a shouting whisper."

Here, the intent I was going for was a whisper tone (as in, the way it was said was as though speaking in a whisper), but spoken very loudly while still being spoken a whisper (in terms of tone, not necessarily volume). Would the chicks have found it easier to parse if I had said 'a loud whisper' instead?

The damned idiots probably didn’t even know what hit them before they fell on the ground." You are using an omniscient narrator, this bird can see, but you have to properly highlight what is character thought from the narrative.

The intent here was Zethira mocking the guards. It's not an omniscient narration, but rather a close third PoV, where Zethira's (as the scene PoV character) thoughts blend into the narration without always being singled out as direct thought. The crow acknowledges that the chicks may find this writing style unfamiliar depending on what they have previously read, and therefore difficult to read or otherwise unpalatable.

The archer groaned and collapsed on the ground just as the arrow made impact." How did the archer go down? Just how?

The implication was that it was from the injuries Zethira had dealt during the previous scuffle; she thought he was dead, but he clung to life just long enough to fire off one last arrow before passing out (dead). Again, the crow apologizes if the chicks found the implication confusing, and requests more insight into how it might have been made more clear.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Well, I must admit that that is hardly the feedback I was expecting or hoping for, but I will accept it with grace. However, there are a couple of things I would point out, not because I wish to criticize the chicks for disliking my story, but because I want to better understand why they were confused.



Here, the intent I was going for was a whisper tone (as in, the way it was said was as though speaking in a whisper), but spoken very loudly while still being spoken a whisper (in terms of tone, not necessarily volume). Would the chicks have found it easier to parse if I had said 'a loud whisper' instead?


The intent here was Zethira mocking the guards. It's not an omniscient narration, but rather a close third PoV, where Zethira's (as the scene PoV character) thoughts blend into the narration without always being singled out as direct thought. The crow acknowledges that the chicks may find this writing style unfamiliar depending on what they have previously read, and therefore difficult to read or otherwise unpalatable.


The implication was that it was from the injuries Zethira had dealt during the previous scuffle; she thought he was dead, but he clung to life just long enough to fire off one last arrow before passing out (dead). Again, the crow apologizes if the chicks found the implication confusing, and requests more insight into how it might have been made more clear.

I neve no stake in this at all really being that I only follow the chicks and listen to their feedback.

However, I see your response and have a concern or two.

I also stopped after chapter 1. There was enough confusion between the narrator and main character... Which aren't delineated enough to know who's clearly thinking/speaking, that it was jarring.

This is especially disturbing to me since you say it's not 3rd person omni. Taking the time to let the reader know, not infer who's speaking is a better choice in my opinion.

There's also some odd things about the fight in the cave. Your character takes down the guards at the entrance, peeks inside, sees the other two, beats them up and then sees behind her into another cave that's illuminated? The way it sounds is that the outside should be at her back. I just didn't get it.

Finally, I wondered why the secrecy and stealth to get inside, then once at the princesses door, the MC kicks out down, alerting the others. Followed by a back and forth about not killing to make her happy, then a paragraph later, does it anyway. I mean the MC even has the narrator tell the reader that the key was likely on a guard. Why not take the time and get it? The MC just went in all Ethan Hunt. At that point, unlock the door, save the princess and get out of there.

That's just my personal 2 cents. This is the chicks thread really. I know exactly how difficult it is to put yourself out there and want people to see your writing. It's scary and nail biting. You have the imagination, you have ability. Tweak it a bit and it will be so much easier to read. If you don't tell the reader, then we as readers do not know.

------------
Sorry about that chicks. I'm not trying to take your feed. I'll find a way to get you some bird seed later. :)

 

[RiaCorvidiva]

There was enough confusion between the narrator and main character... Which aren't delineated enough to know who's clearly thinking/speaking, that it was jarring.

They are the same. It's written in close 3rd PoV, where the narrator and main character are basically the same. Little different than 1st person beyond the choice of pronouns. Everything being said or thought in the prose is colored by Zethira's* thoughts and opinions; there is not intended to be a separate 'narrator' character conveying information.

Is close-3rd PoV an uncommon choice for SH novels? I have not received feedback regarding this sort of confusion about the PoV with others I have shown the work to until I posted it here on SH, so I am wondering if that aspect of stylistic convention is something that doesn't jive well with parts of the SH readerbase.

*or whoever the PoV character is. Chapter 1 is Zethira's PoV; Chapter 4 is the first written from Elissa's PoV.

The way it sounds is that the outside should be at her back. I just didn't get it.

She has low-light vision. The outside is at her back, but she can see into the cave quite well despite it being objectively dark.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

They are the same. It's written in close 3rd PoV, where the narrator and main character are basically the same. Little different than 1st person beyond the choice of pronouns. Everything being said or thought in the prose is colored by Zethira's* thoughts and opinions; there is not intended to be a separate 'narrator' character conveying information.

Is close-3rd PoV an uncommon choice for SH novels? I have not received feedback regarding this sort of confusion about the PoV with others I have shown the work to until I posted it here on SH, so I am wondering if that aspect of stylistic convention is something that doesn't jive well with parts of the SH readerbase.

*or whoever the PoV character is. Chapter 1 is Zethira's PoV; Chapter 4 is the first written from Elissa's PoV.


She has low-light vision. The outside is at her back, but she can see into the cave quite well despite it being objectively dark.

If that's the way you want to present it, that's completely your decision. If the MC and narrative are one in the same, it could be I'm just used to seeing it written in first person. If you like it keep it :)

I honestly don't know what others here like, or if 3rd person close is popular.

A quick look on Google just now, told me it's a popular perspective in "recent times". It's likely the case that the style just isn't for me. Which is fine. You have lots of readers that are enjoying it, so keep them happy. :)


You made it clear she had low light vision. I got that. You even mention extra tunnels going into the place, 3 if memory serves. It's just when she sees the illumination, it's behind her, where the outside should be. I didn't see anything that told me the MC went down any of the 3 tubes or did it with stealth...or anything to indicate other than she peeked in - saw a door, smelled the princess.. Then burst it open.

Good luck!!

 

[Zephilinox]

Hello my feathered friends I present to you this morsel of a story so that you may gobble up every flaw, and in the process of demolishing it, lay some eggcellent feedback for me https://www.scribblehub.com/series/955816/acoustic-in-a-fantasy-world-autism-litrpg/

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Hello my feathered friends I present to you this morsel of a story so that you may gobble up every flaw, and in the process of demolishing it, lay some eggcellent feedback for me https://www.scribblehub.com/series/955816/acoustic-in-a-fantasy-world-autism-litrpg/

I don't think the chicks will demolish your story. They are usually easy going.... I've said that before up there somewhere... So now I'm repeating myself...that upsets them, lol

 

[TsumiHokiro]

They are the same. It's written in close 3rd PoV
Is close-3rd PoV an uncommon choice for SH novels?

Hello there, RiaCorvidiva, how are you? Welcome back!
Answering your question, this chick here has had no problem with your narrator. It considers "Close 3rd PoV" a subdivision of "Omniscient 3rd Person" due to several shared characteristics in common they have. That you are only following a character in one, and the other you might be following more than one, it could be that this chick is just categorizing different types of "3rd Person" narrators, "Whether they are aware of thoughts or not", "Can see more than one Character?" "If last question yes, simultaneous?" up to this point in difference and does not care and call them all the same thing. Such a discussion would require this bird to remember what it had explained to the fellow dove visitor of the Chicken Pen to better explain to you, the Crow Goddess, what really happened before this thread regarding the narrator.

But it can say, with confidence, that it was not the narrator, as it has said before, that has confused and caused confusion in regard to this chick. It was what will be treated after this point. This chick is not such a stickler to definitions, although it does use a few of them from time to time to facilitate understandings, only to later break them (both).

She has low-light vision. The outside is at her back, but she can see into the cave quite well despite it being objectively dark.

You created a super dragon: It has great smell sense, great sight, great pride, can use magic, superhuman capabilities. But you, yourself as the author, do not know how to use this: the great sense of smell is limited to only sniffing a single thing at a time, whereas if we see how dogs, the closest analogy to those who can see the world from their smell sense, literally are more worried about what they can smell than what they can see. Your character has superpowers, but is worried about the mundane. Would someone who really sees themselves so superior to humans worry about their money? In the end, it's about the mentality of your character that is so overly humane while they themselves are so not considering how you constructed them to be. And worse of all, they were born like this, and therefore, they would have always known the world not being so, yet their nature is too alike to make it believable. Instead of acting as the apex predators that they should have been, they are sometimes a turbo-ed one, other times, innocents with the great skills and tools.

Don't take this the wrong way. Most people can't really rationalize a different way of living than that which they have always known all their lives. Someone who has always known sight cannot understand how someone who has been born blind understand the world. Someone who possesses the skill to speak out loud since they were 2 years old is typically not capable of comprehending what the world is like for those who can hear but can only not speak out loud. It requires great effort and imagination, much communication with the different, and most often, creating an alien piece of work that few would comprehend, something that can actually portray a world displays that the different way of life than the one which we have always known all our ephemeral existence, is an arduous task. But that is the hallmark of great works of art, whatever their medium: to display the different in ways never before seen and yet able to be understood by those who were not born like that. And in this chick's opinion, your work is just more of the same, which is a shame.

I neve no stake in this at all really being that I only follow the chicks and listen to their feedback.
Sorry about that chicks. I'm not trying to take your feed. I'll find a way to get you some bird seed later. :)

This is a place of learning, so unless the author has been bothered by it, this chick is not bothered by your interruption. Anyone is free to ask questions here.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Hello there, RiaCorvidiva, how are you? Welcome back!
Answering your question, this chick here has had no problem with your narrator. It considers "Close 3rd PoV" a subdivision of "Omniscient 3rd Person" due to several shared characteristics in common they have. That you are only following a character in one, and the other you might be following more than one, it could be that this chick is just categorizing different types of "3rd Person" narrators, "Whether they are aware of thoughts or not", "Can see more than one Character?" "If last question yes, simultaneous?" up to this point in difference and does not care and call them all the same thing. Such a discussion would require this bird to remember what it had explained to the fellow dove visitor of the Chicken Pen to better explain to you, the Crow Goddess, what really happened before this thread regarding the narrator.

But it can say, with confidence, that it was not the narrator, as it has said before, that has confused and caused confusion in regard to this chick. It was what will be treated after this point. This chick is not such a stickler to definitions, although it does use a few of them from time to time to facilitate understandings, only to later break them (both).

You created a super dragon: It has great smell sense, great sight, great pride, can use magic, superhuman capabilities. But you, yourself as the author, do not know how to use this: the great sense of smell is limited to only sniffing a single thing at a time, whereas if we see how dogs, the closest analogy to those who can see the world from their smell sense, literally are more worried about what they can smell than what they can see. Your character has superpowers, but is worried about the mundane. Would someone who really sees themselves so superior to humans worry about their money? In the end, it's about the mentality of your character that is so overly humane while they themselves are so not considering how you constructed them to be. And worse of all, they were born like this, and therefore, they would have always known the world not being so, yet their nature is too alike to make it believable. Instead of acting as the apex predators that they should have been, they are sometimes a turbo-ed one, other times, innocents with the great skills and tools.

Don't take this the wrong way. Most people can't really rationalize a different way of living than that which they have always known all their lives. Someone who has always known sight cannot understand how someone who has been born blind understand the world. Someone who possesses the skill to speak out loud since they were 2 years old is typically not capable of comprehending what the world is like for those who can hear but can only not speak out loud. It requires great effort and imagination, much communication with the different, and most often, creating an alien piece of work that few would comprehend, something that can actually portray a world displays that the different way of life than the one which we have always known all our ephemeral existence, is an arduous task. But that is the hallmark of great works of art, whatever their medium: to display the different in ways never before seen and yet able to be understood by those who were not born like that. And in this chick's opinion, your work is just more of the same, which is a shame.

This is a place of learning, so unless the author has been bothered by it, this chick is not bothered by your interruption. Anyone is free to ask questions here.

Thank you for letting me hangout and comment from time to time :)

 

[Zephilinox]

I don't think the chicks will demolish your story. They are usually easy going.... I've said that before up there somewhere... So now I'm repeating myself...that upsets them, lol

maybe they'll be willing to demolish it now that they are upset

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

maybe they'll be willing to demolish it now that they are upset

Sounds like you want them to :)

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Hello my feathered friends I present to you this morsel of a story so that you may gobble up every flaw, and in the process of demolishing it, lay some eggcellent feedback for me https://www.scribblehub.com/series/955816/acoustic-in-a-fantasy-world-autism-litrpg/

Greetings, Zephilinox. The chicks have accepted your morsel and come back with utter destruction in the form of feedback. How you receive this is up to your frail heart, so prepare yourself.

Firstly, this chick has read chapters 1, 2 and 9 before writing this opinion. Overall, considering the quality of your writing, your work requires some editing.

Chapter 1:​

1. Possessive form: "parents place", "colleagues place." Should have been in the possessive form.
2. Capitalization: "just end me already", "yes. groan." These are just an example of where you forgot to capitalize the words. In the second example, a comma and not a period might have been better.

Chapter 2:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "There are so many things to think about, that it’s giving bathtub toaster." What's to have bathtub toasters? The birds would love to understand. No feelings could nearly come to be approximated.

Chapter 9:​

1. Verb tense: "Was sat at her desk". "Was sitting" or only "Sitting."

Conclusion:

Let me throw the harsh words you desire here: there are none. Your work requires some minor edits, to keep consistency. Otherwise, you're real good to go. You have an interesting story, so far, you have good writing, with the occasional lapse here and there, but that is part of the deal, and your stories are neither too short nor too long. So far, so good, iron it out and this chicken pen see no reasons for a great LitRPG.

 

[Zephilinox]

Greetings, Zephilinox. The chicks have accepted your morsel and come back with utter destruction in the form of feedback. How you receive this is up to your frail heart, so prepare yourself.

Firstly, this chick has read chapters 1, 2 and 9 before writing this opinion. Overall, considering the quality of your writing, your work requires some editing.

Chapter 1:​

1. Possessive form: "parents place", "colleagues place." Should have been in the possessive form.
2. Capitalization: "just end me already", "yes. groan." These are just an example of where you forgot to capitalize the words. In the second example, a comma and not a period might have been better.

Chapter 2:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "There are so many things to think about, that it’s giving bathtub toaster." What's to have bathtub toasters? The birds would love to understand. No feelings could nearly come to be approximated.

Chapter 9:​

1. Verb tense: "Was sat at her desk". "Was sitting" or only "Sitting."

Conclusion:

Let me throw the harsh words you desire here: there are none. Your work requires some minor edits, to keep consistency. Otherwise, you're real good to go. You have an interesting story, so far, you have good writing, with the occasional lapse here and there, but that is part of the deal, and your stories are neither too short nor too long. So far, so good, iron it out and this chicken pen see no reasons for a great LitRPG.

Thanks so much for taking a look I really appreciate it. I'll spend more time proofreading!

"It's giving bathtub toaster" is a bit of a slang/meme thing. https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/its-giving + toasters being a common topic in depression memes due to the trope of dropping them in baths. So the intent was a humourous line about depression :)

 

[Azurea_Mystis]

My aunt has a chicken pen in her backyard, and most of the chickens ganged up on a stray dog and killed it and one of their own, and they also occasionally eat the eggs they lay.