Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)

baandrews

baandrews

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Thanks, I attempted to clarify the first paragraph, and no idea how you managed to catch the version that was only live for a few hours before I realized I uploaded the wrong one. Not sure how the rest of the feedback is supposed to help me improve either, but if you don't point it out, wouldn't know it had that many readers.
 
TheTrinary

TheTrinary

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Nevafrost said:
Ok,here is mine
Click to expand...
Rating: Would not Keep Reading.

Honestly I've got a lot of these to do so I read your first paragraph and called it quits:

1. Somewhere in the deep forest, Iris is standing still. 2. In front of her is an old and musty castle. 3. She crossed the gigantic gateway with her frost-white horse. 4. Entering the castle's territory, she made eye contact with her 3 besties.

Tense swap between sentences 1 and 2.

You feed us completely contrary information between sentences 1 and 3. Is she standing still or crossing the threshold? I'm guessing in your head that she is standing still AND THEN moves forward. But even if thats what it said, that is pretty poor from an economy stand point. What does her standing there add?

Verb choice in 3 isn't quite right. Pretty sure you don't cross a gateway.

Some poor word choice in sentence four with territory.

This is all on a very basic level. Past there, it's choppy and doesn't read well, even if it made 100% sense.

OVERALL

It's a bad enough first paragraph where I didn't feel the need dto read more.
AdOtherwise said:
I don't know why I'm not going to RR since I was just there. This is my first novel which I AM currently working on. I got some feedback on it from you a long time ago. It's been through feedback after feedback from all the lovely people on here and now I'm seeing if its good, because I've been using my current writing off of it as a vague example.

Click to expand...
RATING: Would not keep reading.

Honestly, don't remember the original.

THE GOOD

Love the opening here. The banshee metaphor is great and your characterization of this old man grabbed my attention.

NOT THERE YET

Despite the very strong opening paragraphs, the writing dips pretty hard soon after. It felt in constant need of some editing with weird or extraneous words. To go along with this, the pacing is pretty slow. I got halfway through and thought, how has it taken that long to get here?

The thing that really annoyed me though was the POV. I'm not entirely sure what you're going for here with you head swapping back between the old man and the kid. It was distracting.

Honestly, I wasn't the biggest fan of how some plot elements were treated. Like your description of the boy falling through a wormhole. It's very and flat and sort of just, 'here it is.' I immeadiately wrote it off as the author relying on the proglogue, but looking back as I write this, that's not even the case. It's one of those things where I wonder what the writer finds interesting about what they're creating. Is the idea that you yourself have become so accustomed to stories like that that portal fantasy isn't interesting? That'd be cool if it was adequately conveyed, like we get that sense from the man. But once again, that portal scene is flat and you feel the need to move along without any sort of perspective or voice.

OVERALL

By no means awful (I realize how much I wrote) but most aspects of the writing weren't there for me. Which is a shame because I was prepard to love it after the first half a page.
NOTkaosin21 said:
thanks
Click to expand...
RATING: Middle of the Road so Would not Keep Reading.

Section 1

Your opining bit was a mixed bag with me really enjoying aspects, and really not digging others:

The double wallet bit was funny and clever. Likewise, the ending punchline was equal to that. There are some really entertaining things here.

In that same breathe, the overall execution suffers. Everyone is saying stock dialogue and the way the scene plays out feels under thought out. Almost an aside, but I am wondering what the influence is. I've seen this exact scene so many times I'm assuming there is some famous anime all of you guys have watched that I haven't.

Section 2

Once again, some really poorly thought out details. Like, why is a hallway with tortches something that a human couldn't create?

In contrast, I think the set up is strong here. You didn't plop him down in a field. Our Mc is in a dangerous place with the very clear goal delivered that he needs to get out. That creates engagement.

Section 3

The quality is consistent here. With the added bonus of you setting a decent tone. It's a bit violent and gritty and that asepct is well executed. But once again, the writing is holding you back. The scene where the other adventurer died? That would have been a really need seen if it was properly set up. You just throw us into these scene and crucial elements are set up and done away with in a single sentence.

Overall

Some entertaining things being held back by the writing mostly.
baandrews said:
Thanks, I attempted to clarify the first paragraph, and no idea how you managed to catch the version that was only live for a few hours before I realized I uploaded the wrong one. Not sure how the rest of the feedback is supposed to help me improve either, but if you don't point it out, wouldn't know it had that many readers.
Click to expand...
Undewritten isn't exactly a roadmap for writers, but it is an important critique. Start by doing something that you find interesting, wether that be character, plot, world, etc. As is, I can't really talk in great detail about a story where nothing happens until something happens but it's super vague so I can't even be sure what it is exactly.
 
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AdOtherwise

AdOtherwise

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TheTrinary said:
Rating: Would not Keep Reading.

Honestly I've got a lot of these to do so I read your first paragraph and called it quits:

1. Somewhere in the deep forest, Iris is standing still. 2. In front of her is an old and musty castle. 3. She crossed the gigantic gateway with her frost-white horse. 4. Entering the castle's territory, she made eye contact with her 3 besties.

Tense swap between sentences 1 and 2.

You feed us completely contrary information between sentences 1 and 3. Is she standing still or crossing the threshold? I'm guessing in your head that she is standing still AND THEN moves forward. But even if thats what it said, that is pretty poor from an economy stand point. What does her standing there add?

Verb choice in 3 isn't quite right. Pretty sure you don't cross a gateway.

Some poor word choice in sentence four with territory.

This is all on a very basic level. Past there, it's choppy and doesn't read well, even if it made 100% sense.

OVERALL

It's a bad enough first paragraph where I didn't feel the need dto read more.

RATING: Would not keep reading.

Honestly, don't remember the original.

THE GOOD

Love the opening here. The banshee metaphor is great and your characterization of this old man grabbed my attention.

NOT THERE YET

Despite the very strong opening paragraphs, the writing dips pretty hard soon after. It felt in constant need of some editing with weird or extraneous words. To go along with this, the pacing is pretty slow. I got halfway through and thought, how has it taken that long to get here?

The thing that really annoyed me though was the POV. I'm not entirely sure what you're going for here with you head swapping back between the old man and the kid. It was distracting.

Honestly, I wasn't the biggest fan of how some plot elements were treated. Like your description of the boy falling through a wormhole. It's very and flat and sort of just, 'here it is.' I immeadiately wrote it off as the author relying on the proglogue, but looking back as I write this, that's not even the case. It's one of those things where I wonder what the writer finds interesting about what they're creating. Is the idea that you yourself have become so accustomed to stories like that that portal fantasy isn't interesting? That'd be cool if it was adequately conveyed, like we get that sense from the man. But once again, that portal scene is flat and you feel the need to move along without any sort of perspective or voice.

OVERALL

By no means awful (I realize how much I wrote) but most aspects of the writing weren't there for me. Which is a shame because I was prepard to love it after the first half a page.

RATING: Middle of the Road so Would not Keep Reading.

Section 1

Your opining bit was a mixed bag with me really enjoying aspects, and really not digging others:

The double wallet bit was funny and clever. Likewise, the ending punchline was equal to that. There are some really entertaining things here.

In that same breathe, the overall execution suffers. Everyone is saying stock dialogue and the way the scene plays out feels under thought out. Almost an aside, but I am wondering what the influence is. I've seen this exact scene so many times I'm assuming there is some famous anime all of you guys have watched that I haven't.

Section 2

Once again, some really poorly thought out details. Like, why is a hallway with tortches something that a human couldn't create?

In contrast, I think the set up is strong here. You didn't plop him down in a field. Our Mc is in a dangerous place with the very clear goal delivered that he needs to get out. That creates engagement.

Section 3

The quality is consistent here. With the added bonus of you setting a decent tone. It's a bit violent and gritty and that asepct is well executed. But once again, the writing is holding you back. The scene where the other adventurer died? That would have been a really need seen if it was properly set up. You just throw us into these scene and crucial elements are set up and done away with in a single sentence.

Overall

Some entertaining things being held back by the writing mostly.

Undewritten isn't exactly a roadmap for writers, but it is an important critique. Start by doing something that you find interesting, wether that be character, plot, world, etc. As is, I can't really talk in great detail about a story where nothing happens until something happens but it's super vague so I can't even be sure what it is exactly.
Click to expand...
Much appreciated, I understand where your coming from because it was indeed the case with the blandness, I was excited to write the old man. My writing is like a roller coaster, it's sometimes good, mostly bland, something I need to work on. Again, thank you for the input!
 
N

NOTkaosin21

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TheTrinary said:
Rating: Would not Keep Reading.

Honestly I've got a lot of these to do so I read your first paragraph and called it quits:

1. Somewhere in the deep forest, Iris is standing still. 2. In front of her is an old and musty castle. 3. She crossed the gigantic gateway with her frost-white horse. 4. Entering the castle's territory, she made eye contact with her 3 besties.

Tense swap between sentences 1 and 2.

You feed us completely contrary information between sentences 1 and 3. Is she standing still or crossing the threshold? I'm guessing in your head that she is standing still AND THEN moves forward. But even if thats what it said, that is pretty poor from an economy stand point. What does her standing there add?

Verb choice in 3 isn't quite right. Pretty sure you don't cross a gateway.

Some poor word choice in sentence four with territory.

This is all on a very basic level. Past there, it's choppy and doesn't read well, even if it made 100% sense.

OVERALL

It's a bad enough first paragraph where I didn't feel the need dto read more.

RATING: Would not keep reading.

Honestly, don't remember the original.

THE GOOD

Love the opening here. The banshee metaphor is great and your characterization of this old man grabbed my attention.

NOT THERE YET

Despite the very strong opening paragraphs, the writing dips pretty hard soon after. It felt in constant need of some editing with weird or extraneous words. To go along with this, the pacing is pretty slow. I got halfway through and thought, how has it taken that long to get here?

The thing that really annoyed me though was the POV. I'm not entirely sure what you're going for here with you head swapping back between the old man and the kid. It was distracting.

Honestly, I wasn't the biggest fan of how some plot elements were treated. Like your description of the boy falling through a wormhole. It's very and flat and sort of just, 'here it is.' I immeadiately wrote it off as the author relying on the proglogue, but looking back as I write this, that's not even the case. It's one of those things where I wonder what the writer finds interesting about what they're creating. Is the idea that you yourself have become so accustomed to stories like that that portal fantasy isn't interesting? That'd be cool if it was adequately conveyed, like we get that sense from the man. But once again, that portal scene is flat and you feel the need to move along without any sort of perspective or voice.

OVERALL

By no means awful (I realize how much I wrote) but most aspects of the writing weren't there for me. Which is a shame because I was prepard to love it after the first half a page.

RATING: Middle of the Road so Would not Keep Reading.

Section 1

Your opining bit was a mixed bag with me really enjoying aspects, and really not digging others:

The double wallet bit was funny and clever. Likewise, the ending punchline was equal to that. There are some really entertaining things here.

In that same breathe, the overall execution suffers. Everyone is saying stock dialogue and the way the scene plays out feels under thought out. Almost an aside, but I am wondering what the influence is. I've seen this exact scene so many times I'm assuming there is some famous anime all of you guys have watched that I haven't.

Section 2

Once again, some really poorly thought out details. Like, why is a hallway with tortches something that a human couldn't create?

In contrast, I think the set up is strong here. You didn't plop him down in a field. Our Mc is in a dangerous place with the very clear goal delivered that he needs to get out. That creates engagement.

Section 3

The quality is consistent here. With the added bonus of you setting a decent tone. It's a bit violent and gritty and that asepct is well executed. But once again, the writing is holding you back. The scene where the other adventurer died? That would have been a really need seen if it was properly set up. You just throw us into these scene and crucial elements are set up and done away with in a single sentence.

Overall

Some entertaining things being held back by the writing mostly.

Undewritten isn't exactly a roadmap for writers, but it is an important critique. Start by doing something that you find interesting, wether that be character, plot, world, etc. As is, I can't really talk in great detail about a story where nothing happens until something happens but it's super vague so I can't even be sure what it is exactly.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the feedback! I also notice that I have a couple of problems with my writing so the criticism is much appreciated.
 
TheTrinary

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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Messages
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MasFaqih said:
Emmm Iam a new author,i hereby you holiness to give me a feedback about This novel
Click to expand...
Digging the new title I've aquired. RATING: Back to Basics

Another one of these were I call it quits off the bat. Let's look at your first sentence (?):

My name is Kiyoshi, Male, I am 18 years old, Iam Just Your everyday Passerby, And I think i lived a very good life—at least, that's what I remember.

Right away, this is like three sentences crammed together.

My name is Kyoshi. (PERIOD)
18 years old, male. (PERIOD)
I am just your everyday passerby, and I think I have lived a very good life-- at least, that's what I remember.

Now you'll notice some corrections here too. Male was just dangling so I put it at the end as a clause. You had a typoe with IAM. And that same snippet there had horribly random capitalization, right up through to And which made me more confused about what was and wasn't intended to be part of the sentence.

It's about every written error you can make in a sentence here.
JustKidding said:
thank you!
Click to expand...
RATING: Would not Keep Reading

This is going to be another short one unfortunately. I made it about a page and within that space you have a host of technical issues. Spelling, grammar, tense swaps. It's not the worst though. It's readable even if that's a burden.

I'd like to focus a bit on the content because tonally it's a bit strange. Common asterix here: humor is subjective, yadda yadda. With that said, the humor, character, situation. It's all a bit bizarre to the point where it detracts:

He's getting sexually aroused by the boar? I guess??

The joke is that he's naked? Which is a shame because that was an interesting detail. Is he a cave man before clothes were invented? Why is he so proud of his nudity. If he is literally so hungry that he would starve without the boar, why is the nudity even a joke in the first place?

You have weird sort of meta moments where they're talking to themselves. Like, haha isn't it weird I wanted to bang that boar? Pointing it out doesn't help at all. If anything, it makes it worse by drawing more attention to it.

And then the character just had an effervescent yelling sort of quality. It's very juvenille in that way.


OVERALL

To the extent that I can be analytical about comedy. You need something clever that the audience doesn't expect. Or at least the joke needs to come before we realize what the joke is. As an author, I might just ask myself: what is the joke? Probably a question you should have an answer to.
 
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MasFaqih

MasFaqih

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Messages
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TheTrinary said:
Digging the new title I've aquired. RATING: Back to Basics

Another one of these were I call it quits off the bat. Let's look at your first sentence (?):

My name is Kiyoshi, Male, I am 18 years old, Iam Just Your everyday Passerby, And I think i lived a very good life—at least, that's what I remember.

Right away, this is like three sentences crammed together.

My name is Kyoshi. (PERIOD)
18 years old, male. (PERIOD)
I am just your everyday passerby, and I think I have lived a very good life-- at least, that's what I remember.

Now you'll notice some corrections here too. Male was just dangling so I put it at the end as a clause. You had a typoe with IAM. And that same snippet there had horribly random capitalization, right up through to And which made me more confused about what was and wasn't intended to be part of the sentence.

It's about every written error you can make in a sentence here.

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

This is going to be another short one unfortunately. I made it about a page and within that space you have a host of technical issues. Spelling, grammar, tense swaps. It's not the worst though. It's readable even if that's a burden.

I'd like to focus a bit on the content because tonally it's a bit strange. Common asterix here: humor is subjective, yadda yadda. With that said, the humor, character, situation. It's all a bit bizarre to the point where it detracts:

He's getting sexually aroused by the boar? I guess??

The joke is that he's naked? Which is a shame because that was an interesting detail. Is he a cave man before clothes were invented? Why is he so proud of his nudity. If he is literally so hungry that he would starve without the boar, why is the nudity even a joke in the first place?

You have weird sort of meta moments where they're talking to themselves. Like, haha isn't it weird I wanted to bang that boar? Pointing it out doesn't help at all. If anything, it makes it worse by drawing more attention to it.

And then the character just had an effervescent yelling sort of quality. It's very juvenille in that way.


OVERALL

To the extent that I can be analytical about comedy. You need something clever that the audience doesn't expect. Or at least the joke needs to come before we realize what the joke is. As an author, I might just ask myself: what is the joke? Probably a question you should have an answer to.
Click to expand...
Eeem sir can i dm you?, I feel like i can gain more audience to my novel if i use your point, i am just a new author so i dont know what should i change about that first paragraf.
 
Cosmictapestry

Cosmictapestry

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Hello, it's me again. Do you mind taking a look at this first chapter? Thanks for the previous helpful feedback!
 

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TheTrinary

TheTrinary

Hi, I'm Stephen
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MasFaqih said:
Eeem sir can i dm you?, I feel like i can gain more audience to my novel if i use your point, i am just a new author so i dont know what should i change about that first paragraf.
Click to expand...
You may. But I feel like I was pretty explicit in breaking down the technical issues. May start by googling the definition of an independant clause and a run on sentence.
Cosmictapestry said:
Hello, it's me again. Do you mind taking a look at this first chapter? Thanks for the previous helpful feedback!
Click to expand...
RATING: Would keep reading

THE GOOD

Honestly pretty much all of it. You have a stellar character voice. The writing is pretty crisp and at times I slowed down to pay attention to how you were creating meter and the flow-- that is not something I do around here.

You had some good choices and I liked the ideas springled throughout. The himbo, the explanation of silence. There's some engaging writing here.

It's an overt comedy that I didn't find grating, which is rare around here. Granted I wasn't engrossed in the way you probably wanted me to be, but I mostly chalk that up to personal prefrence. It feels like it's hitting all the right notes for a lot of web novel readers.

Some good action descriptions. You don't over do it and you really highlight the big hits and then let us proccess them.

WHY I DIDN'T ADD AN EXCLAMATION POINT

Two comlaints that are keeping this from soaring beyond the stars.

First, I really didn't gel with the main character. I feel like this is a staple of "meta" humor where we lose the emotional core. Yes, she's very clever, very snappy. What's the part I'm supposed to relate to? Feels like its running into the "been there done that" writing style where it works on the abstract level you have your theme and what you're saying, but the primary level gets neglected.

Looking at the advice someone chipped in, that puts it more succinctly than I have here: Who is this character/

Also a bit long. Could use some general tightning I think.

OVERALL

Good job. Publish away.
MasFaqih said:
In my opinion i think the prologue is a bit vague,i dont know who's the mc here. But overall i think you are cool
Click to expand...
This thread is specifically people asking me for my opinion. We try to stay away from unsolicited critique.
 
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Cosmictapestry

Cosmictapestry

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TheTrinary said:
WHY I DIDN'T ADD AN EXCLAMATION POINT

Two comlaints that are keeping this from soaring beyond the stars.

First, I really didn't gel with the main character. I feel like this is a staple of "meta" humor where we lose the emotional core. Yes, she's very clever, very snappy. What's the part I'm supposed to relate to? Feels like its running into the "been there done that" writing style where it works on the abstract level you have your theme and what you're saying, but the primary level gets neglected.

Looking at the advice someone chipped in, that puts it more succinctly than I have here: Who is this character/

Also a bit long. Could use some general tightning I think.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your detailed feedback. You were spot on about character connection, which is honestly what I'm still struggling with: making a larger-than-life character relatable.
 
TheTrinary

TheTrinary

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ThatStrangeFamiliar said:
Congrats on the old thread, lots of good stuff to mine through!

Glad to be a part of this one, hope you get to me!

Click to expand...
RATING: Would not keep reading.

I gave this a couple pages, but it just didn't make sense. And not on the level where it's wildly creative and I can't keep up.

The basic intorductory information that sets the foundation is. . . fine. With all the infinites and hibbity gibbity, you're going for a gut reaction of understsanding vs. the rational. To that extent it didn't fail, but you could have made it much stronger.

Where you run into problems is where you provide contradictory information that violates the little logic that we have going on: "You can't be here." followed by "And then the light came as it always did." Every piece of information following the idea that "someone can't be here," focuses on the roteness of the experience. The MC is doing things she'd done a hundred times. There's another character there and they clearly know eachother and are doing the same song and dance. What in the world did you mean by "You can't be here"?

There's some general grammatical confusion too that seems to beyond simple experimentation: “Again.” Precept Anite demanded and extended her hand to me. I'm just now reading this correctly. You mean to say: " "Again," Precept Anite demanded, extending her hand to me." The period after again means the next sentence stands alone, and in that context what demand is modifying is horribly confusing.

Etc.

OVERALL

Not giving this the thumbs down for being experimental and off the wall. I think it just does it poorly.
 
ThatStrangeFamiliar

ThatStrangeFamiliar

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TheTrinary said:
RATING: Would not keep reading.

I gave this a couple pages, but it just didn't make sense. And not on the level where it's wildly creative and I can't keep up.

The basic intorductory information that sets the foundation is. . . fine. With all the infinites and hibbity gibbity, you're going for a gut reaction of understsanding vs. the rational. To that extent it didn't fail, but you could have made it much stronger.

Where you run into problems is where you provide contradictory information that violates the little logic that we have going on: "You can't be here." followed by "And then the light came as it always did." Every piece of information following the idea that "someone can't be here," focuses on the roteness of the experience. The MC is doing things she'd done a hundred times. There's another character there and they clearly know eachother and are doing the same song and dance. What in the world did you mean by "You can't be here"?

There's some general grammatical confusion too that seems to beyond simple experimentation: “Again.” Precept Anite demanded and extended her hand to me. I'm just now reading this correctly. You mean to say: " "Again," Precept Anite demanded, extending her hand to me." The period after again means the next sentence stands alone, and in that context what demand is modifying is horribly confusing.

Etc.

OVERALL

Not giving this the thumbs down for being experimental and off the wall. I think it just does it poorly.
Click to expand...
Fair points! Thanks for your time.
 
T

TheUnsuspicious

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Cosmictapestry said:
Thank you for your detailed feedback. You were spot on about character connection, which is honestly what I'm still struggling with: making a larger-than-life character relatable.
Click to expand...
Wow, that was a good prologue! Got confused at the beginning because I'm not used to the style of writing. But after they fall to the abyss, great is all I can say!
 
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