Here is my first chapter of a new story I’m writing! Thanks in advance for the feedback!
The Winter We Lost: A Sci-Fi AI Story
RATING: Would not keep Reading.
THE GOOD
The structural construction of sentences reads well. If you can take a step beyond the content for a second, it's very easy and enjoyable to read.
I'm also enjoying the world building. It can be so boring to open up a story and just get slapped with exposition, but personalizing it very soon did a lot of heay lifting. It also works when it moves fast and covers a bunch of topics.
THE BAD
My main issue is how poorly thought out some sentences and ideas are:
their last brown roasted leaves weak
After global warming ended a millennia ago and our planet was struck by a medium-sized meteorite that wiped out half of Asia’s population, I turned 15 This reads like the character is a millennia old? I was braced the entire book to find out they had been turned into an ai or something that would mean they could live a thousand years.
The year after that,. . . I was in my early twenties. . . . Your'e definitely having some confusion here putting ideas next to eachother. This just reads like he tunred 20 the year after all this happened. Which was apparently the year he turned 15.
However unlike wartime, there was less urgency to build these automachines. Great sentence. Progress grew at a snail’s pace, relying on the knowledge of yesteryears. It was globally calibrated yet felt like disparate progress most of the time. No idea what you're saying with the rest of this. What knowledge should they be relying on? What is the knowledge of yesteryears? What is global callibration? You aren't really saying things.
Until one fateful afternoon, just west across the Atlantic Ocean. Your character is FROM the USA. What does this mean.
This is not an exhaustive list. only the big offenders. I was frequently wondering why you chose certain sparse information or why you would gloss things over.
Overall
Readable but sloppy.
Here's the prologue to my first short story. Posted it a year ago, and am still satisfied with how I wrote it. Mostly, as I'm tossing around ideas for a 3rd short with the potential of leading to a long-form novel, I'm looking for areas to improve in general terms. As a head's up, it's full of memes and pop culture references that date from the present back to the 1980s-ish, so have fun with that.
If you enjoy it, the whole thing is under 4000 words so feel free to see it through to the end (again, with tons of jokes and references throughout...think of all the easter egg references from movies like "Ready player one" and then have Deadpool narrate the entire thing). (PS. now that I've said that, you'll definitely be reading it in Ryan Reynold's voice and it will be glorious.
)
Rating: Would keep Reading.
THE GOOD
In the specific context of what you're trying to achieve and the intended audience, most of this is pretty great. Obviousl with all those caveats, I'm saying this is probably not for me. Despite that, one joke landed which made me happy. Perhaps the highet honor I can give a comedy. (It was the whole branches vs Odin thing).
The only room for imrovement then would just to be more clever which is vague and unhelpful. It's sort of the downside to comedy in writing vs. a tight five. You can't go to the club and see what hits and what doesn't.
ONE CRITIQUE
I have one solitary thing that might help:
It wasn’t anything deep or profound, though. His idea was much simpler than anything you might be thinking. Holding onto the stone with his thumb and middle finger, he uttered the most profound and intelligent thing one can say after another round of torture from “the cool kids” (seriously, even Cthulhu was getting in on this action).
Probably a symptom of you getting a little wordy, but you directly contradict yourself here. Which brings us back to the wordy. Even if it wasn't, you are probably using more words here and in other places than necessary. A little reservation will sharpen things up.
OVERALL
Pretty good. Liked that you had a distinct voice. And even that you approached it from a specific angle with all the memes and stuff; it's a cohesive vision.
Here's the first chapter of my current project.
I feel like my worldbuilding is really generic—though the later chapters might improve on that a little. Interested to see what you think.
RATING: Would Keep Reading!
GENERAL COMMENTS
I started out with line edits because the start was weak and had some worrying issues, but once we got through section 1 it was mostly just enjoyable so I'll talk genearly.
This is otherwise well written and engaging, especially at a web novel level. In fact,I would say that the conversation with the supervisor is excellently handled: there's this push pull, participants communicating information without directly saying it, and it clearly outlines everyone's positions while telling us where the story is going and creating stakes. If what you had submitted was just that conversation or everything was that quality I wouldn't just put you on the best of list, I'd give you directions on finding an agent.
But I think the rest is competently middling with the only real issue being the lack of ideas. As you mention, we know exactly what this is. That lack of surprise or exploration makes it a bit boring. Readable sure, but not engaging. Even if the world you're constructing is a near carbon copy of Bradbury or Orwell, you can still construct. You can still alude. You mention departments or facets without conveying meaning. Winston Smith showed up for work and sat down for the five minute hate. Your guy read a book.
One of these scenes actively explores the world in vivid imaginative detail. The other constructs an unlikely scenario (seriously, why does he have a book at work) to convey information you were already invoking with the setting. Only reading the first chapter, I'm not sure how real this society is to you.
To be clear, you are leagues ahead for almost all web novels. I would use the book scene in another critique to show how you braid in exposition. "See? The writer didn't just start talking about how books were banned for no reason. His character did something that made the information relevant.
LINE EDIT EXTRAVAGANZA
Carl Meier's apartment had everything required by law: municipal water, centrally brewed coffee, a built-in radio receiver. Killer opening sentence. Love it with that coffee quip. This was unfortunate in a way, for these conveniences were, respectively, rusty and drugged; lukewarm, bitter, rusty, and drugged; and impossible to switch off. Meanwhile you're having a stroke or something on the second sentence.
a large back window, convenient for collecting rainwater; a multi-fuel stove, convenient for brewing black-market coffee; and a linen closet, convenient for storing extra blankets with which to muffle the radio. As someone who loves to break form, let me tell you that your semi colons are not working as intended. Absolutely no reason for those to be here.
On this particular morning, while he drank, he ran his hand through his longish hair. This is something I used to do. Using these vague words isn't cute 99/100 times. If the wink isn't overt, it just seems like bad writing. The hair seemed weak sensory verbs here, he was just using his hands. Felt, not seemed. greasy and he thought he would have to shampoo it soon. That was no trouble—the apartments had private bathrooms, decently sized to boot—and yet somehow he did not like to think about it. Makes no sense.
Even the religious propaganda, fantastic as it was, had a meaning Stating that it's fantastic conflicts with every other meaning conveyed here.
Any of several polite phrases or gestures might have been an appropriate response to this, but Eisenherz made none of them. He simply continued to look at Carl. Finally, slowly, he spoke. That is exactly what he does though.
OVERALL
Some musicians need more cowbell. You need more ambition.
