I would love to hear your first impressions!
View attachment 26580
Review is on the RR Thread.
Hey
@TheTrinary please review my prologue. I have edited it a few times already as views dropped off quite hard afterwards. Would love to know where Im going wrong. Thanks in advance.
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/78...gression-fantasymonster-tamer/chapter/783286/
RATING: Would not Keep Reading.
In a word: Structure. In more words, I think it gets confused and unfoncused. You have this general idea of lucid dreams, but going forward that can apparently just be anything.
THE GOOD:
At the start, I was very entertained. Lucid chicken dreams are fun and while the doctor scene was a little blunt, my initial thought was that people probably aren't giving up due to this chapter.
And at least as an idea, it's a great way to start a story. Going forward, I found myself getting bored.
THE ANALYSIS:
Structure is the be all end all, but if something isn't working, it's THE place to go back to. Once your structure is solid, then you can make changes and embelishments.
Your work is about 4 pages (little under) so we'll just treat it as a straight four since that's super simple with traditional 3 acts:
Act 1, page 1-- set up. You need to tell your audience every bit of information they need in this chapter. If it's not on the first page, it shouldn't be in the chapter.
Act 2, page 2-- Exploration of the idea. Since we can simply call your chapter a problem/solution story. We can frame this page as the character trying to implement their solution. It brings us to the point of no return where their action fundamentally changes the balance of power set up in Act 1. Specifics don't matter as long as we know the only way is forward.
Act 2, page 3-- Further exploration. Same as page 2 but now with that point of no return figured in. It ends with a low point.
Act 3, page 4-- climax. The problem is resolved for better or worse. Normally in a way that was completely telegraphed in Act 1.
Your Work:
Act 1, page 1-- We have lucid dreams chicken, the MC seeing a doctor to get that fixed, being dismissed, and him taking drugs. AND THEN he's in his dreams playing minecraft or something
This is very important talking about focused. You have promised us a story about a guy dealing with his evil chicken dreams-- great. What does that half to do with the second half of act 1? Did the drugs cause him have these dreams that required him to progress in a video game? What does any of this have to do with the chicken we are promised.
Act 2, page 2-- He continues playing this video game like dream and fights a scare crow and dies.
Him dieing in the dream by the end of the page is a great turn. But once again, what is everything else? Still no chicken. Is this chapter about him completeting arbitrary tasks in these dreams to advance?
If it IS about that, then you need to change the first act and frame it: He's stuck in the same place every night and the psycho therapist says "Hey, maybe these dreams will go away if you can walk through the gate."
If it IS about the chicken, then what is any of this.
Act 2, page 3-- He goes back and fights the scarecrow only to be met with a larger obstacle-- the chicken.
This hits the beats you want in every way. He overcomes the first major issue had had (the turn aka scarecrow) only to be blockaded by an even bigger threat (the low point).
At this point, it becomes abundantly clear that the first page is a mistake. This is not a story that is fundamentally about the chicken or the doctor or even the MC trying not to have these dreams.
Act 3, page 4-- he walks across the kills the chicken.
Not much of a climax. I guess he could have always done this? At this point, it's unclear what the act of killng the chicken even signifies. He's been doing a bunch of random crap for the whole chapter that has nothing to do with this. It's also unclear why the doctor was ever a character.
It would be more fitting if he used the doctors advise to somehow resolve the problem.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
You confuse your audience by advertising a plot that more or less doesn't exist. Frame the conflict appropriately. And then the climax is underwritten. Treat this as a complete stor from start to finish. And make sure you communicate to your audience why they should care.