Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)

[TheTrinary]

yo. new around here and just saw this thread. wouldn't mind seeing what you think of this one:

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/999187/the-chronicles-of-ashtree-lane/

Ah crap, I didn't publish my review and lost it. I'll keep it brief:

Rating: Would Keep Reading.

Good voice (espeically a voice that others make aggrevating) and humerous. On the web novel level, it was incredibly solid and I enjoyed it. For any negatives, I think you could sharpen things up. It gets a little too contemplative and slow; we certainly get some ideas faster than they were delivered and for something like this, the biggest effect you can create is the momentum.

Hello,

I'm new here and in general when it comes to online storyboards and webnovels so I'd really appreciate if you'd be willing to review a novel I'm working on.

The Crystal – A Cyberpunk Mystery

In the neon-soaked, rain-drenched streets of Novus Aether, a city of splendor shadowing a world of despair, a former guardian finds himself summoned to the enigmatic Crystals. An invitation, simple yet profound, propels him into the heart of the metropolis's glittering dangers and whispered...

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Weak Would Keep Reading

THE GOOD

A lot of this is nice. I like the world building, the idea and structure of the chapter. It often times felt close to a fantasy book I could pick off the shelf at the book store-- in conception.

CRITIQUE

Boy oh boy is it rough around the edges though. Especially considering the general form presenting as a traditional novel, it felt like an incmoplete draft. There were frequent issues in the writing that made me stop and wonder if you read things through. Confusion on whether the mistakes were intentional bcause you were saying something, or just mistakes.

Case in point: Woung's title. Misses, Miss, Mrs. You swap between these seemingly at random. I don't know if you think they all mean the same thing; I don't know if you know that misses is the plural of Miss and in no way related to Mrs. (homophones). That on it's own seems minor, but Wong explicitly states she is a Misses in response to MC, and then he right away says Miss.

I'm thinking, is she a collective conciousness to be a misses? Did he intentionall revert back to miss? What does the author think these words means.

There was no discernable logic I could see, and then you threw in Mrs. Like, if there was an authorial intent to the earlier mix up, you've lost the theme at that point by obfuscating.

What else. Some of the dialogue and the trapings around that need work. She's very haughty and fits a type without any real depth or reason. You'll often add extra descriptors to dialogue (beyond Wong) that are redudnant or just not needed.

OVERALL

It's decent enough but needs some line edits. I've been plugging it recently so why not. Check out Scribophile and get some help there.

 

[fluffypie374]

Ohhh.. burn me Eternity Starts From His Seed

 

[TheTrinary]

Ohhh.. burn me Eternity Starts From His Seed

Not explicity a roast, but I will tell you my thoughts. RATING: Middle of the road so would not keep reading.

Not a lot of opinions actually. The prose is good but the entire thing comes off a little boring. It's all very removed and analytical. Don't get me wrong, it's better by far than the 3 stars you have on this site. Just a bit too clinical overall?

Oh I love the comment about duckweed. That's a good image even if I don't know what duckweed is.

 

[ElijahRyne]

Hear ye, hear ye. The old thread is dead, long live this thread. (It can be found here)

After two years+, I am unable to edit the very first post and update my "Best of List" shoutout, so I have created a new thread.

The Rules are the same. Submit a link to your first chapter (or prologue) and I will give you a critique as well as a rating. There are no requirements and I will read anything. If I miss your story, it was by accident- just send me a message.

THE V2 BEST OF LIST

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/
5. A Meeting of the Ways https://www.scribblehub.com/series/700231/a-meeting-of-the-ways/

Be Sure to Check out my Other Thread for my Youtube Channel
https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

Could you do mine?

The Thread Tree (Interactive Story) - Memo to the Exorcist Record Department From the Detective Department: | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Could you do mine?

The Thread Tree (Interactive Story) - Memo to the Exorcist Record Department From the Detective Department: | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

What you linked wasn't so much a chapter, so I read From Gen to James. RATING: Would not Keep Reading

THE GOOD

I loved the bar tradition of telling stories. That was interesting and really grabbed my attention.

THE BAD

Unfortunately, your prose and some of the information you communicated was a mess.

Which was the beginning, and most mundane, of the strangeness of the past month. Weird awkward and vague fragment

Getting back on track, in the first week, to pass the time I traveled to places popular with the locals
although nothing was to stand out. Not grammatically wrong, but you start with three different prepostional phrases which is endemic of larger issues in the prose where you frequently use far too many words when few would do.

In the second week, I visited many weird places, and met some folks who too were quite strange. Why even have this sentence, it says nothing.

Anyways, at this bar I met one John Ben. He was an older person if I remember correctly, 67 and three months. He was a war vet and a carny, and loved to tell tales of his experiences. "If I remember correctly." Really focusing on your wordiness here. He can somehow question if John is old or not but also knows all of the other precise details that unambiguosly make him old. It's very imprecise and pointless writing to try and create character voice that backfires.

The patrons chose poor John Ben and he was told lion by the barkeep. There's some levels here we need to talk about. The sentence itself is janky and makes no sense until we read the next sentence, but then that gets into your ability to communicate information-- and how you contradict yourself. You really emphasize that the person who gets picked is lucky or unlucky. . . in different sentences. There is no narrative consistency to how you are describing this event right down to this specific request from the barman. How can John lie and be cursed when eveyrone already knows the story?

It's a very simple idea yet you can't keep the basic adjectives consistent and you can keep internal consistency with the implications of the world building.

OVERALL

It's like a first draft that needs at least three more go overs.

 

[overclockedw]

The Ultimate Extra – No Treasure Needed - Arc 1 Chapter 1: And I Thought Things Couldn’t Get Worse… | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I've already gotten pretty far past the first chapter, but having someone tell me what they think of it would help to ease my mind a little bit. It is my first ever story on scribblehub so I'm thirsty for thoughts.

 

[TheTrinary]

The Ultimate Extra – No Treasure Needed - Arc 1 Chapter 1: And I Thought Things Couldn’t Get Worse… | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I've already gotten pretty far past the first chapter, but having someone tell me what they think of it would help to ease my mind a little bit. It is my first ever story on scribblehub so I'm thirsty for thoughts.

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

Genearlly, some of the writing wasn't up to snuff. Despite that I think you do a decent enough job. The prose gets a little hectic during some times and hard to follow. The big issue is the lack of any foundation or real characterizations; It's why I always say start with a solid chapter of build up on Earth (or whereever) before the portal shenangins happen). So when the action does happen, at least it's grounded in something.


That was when I realized that I definitely wasn't in some relaxing area, suitable for me to rest after being presumably ripped from my old world.

People were running up and down the streets further ahead of my sight with buckets of water, hoping against everything that it would be enough to extinguish their homes. Said homes were on fire,

It didn't matter that those people were in sight, though.

It was obvious, but it was like thinking it finally made the situation settle in.+

 

[quagma]

it's still a little rough around the edges, but would appreciate some feedback while it's still in the early stages of the rewrite. Spookshifted

 

[TheTrinary]

it's still a little rough around the edges, but would appreciate some feedback while it's still in the early stages of the rewrite. Spookshifted

RATING: Would Keep Reading

THE GOOD

Most of the good comes down to the strength of ideas. Like that opening preample is wordy, but it's a cool idea. There's this magical force that can basically result in any sci-fi/ fantasy concept and now humans are living clumped together in the cities. That second part is the important part here, because it shows you thought things through. Why yes, that would be the naturally consequence of the premise.

Similarily, when we find out the MC is a slime monster. That was surprising and fun. And then you follow through with that disgusting carcass eating scene. That was such a good detail to have in there. And I personally give full marks for having reckless abandon and just going for it.

I never do a medium column, so I'll just put some of the writing here. You generally have the idea of it introducing details organically and using them to always be moving forward. He doesn't know much, but he knows what glassess are. Why? Because he used to wear them or something. Moving on.

NEEDS WORK

The only thing I see holding this back is prose. You could a knife to edit this down. In my never ending carosel of sharp metaphors, just a normal steak knife. The writing doesn't interfere with enjoyment but you stumble sometimes and lose that forward momentum with extra or redundant words/lines. And generally, you could sharpen things up.

OVERALL

Pretty good. Strength of ideas over execution.

 

[harrydouthwaite]

Here is my recently finished work. I'd greatly appreciate any insight you could offer.

Feelings and Fondness

In the mid-2000s, eleven-year-old Robin Brush lives in the commuter belt village of Stanstead Abbotts in Hertfordshire, England. He suffers constantly from being bullied, ridiculed, or misunderstood by almost everyone. Forced to live an isolated life as an outcast, he doesn't even have any...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[quagma]

RATING: Would Keep Reading

THE GOOD

Most of the good comes down to the strength of ideas. Like that opening preample is wordy, but it's a cool idea. There's this magical force that can basically result in any sci-fi/ fantasy concept and now humans are living clumped together in the cities. That second part is the important part here, because it shows you thought things through. Why yes, that would be the naturally consequence of the premise.

Similarily, when we find out the MC is a slime monster. That was surprising and fun. And then you follow through with that disgusting carcass eating scene. That was such a good detail to have in there. And I personally give full marks for having reckless abandon and just going for it.

I never do a medium column, so I'll just put some of the writing here. You generally have the idea of it introducing details organically and using them to always be moving forward. He doesn't know much, but he knows what glassess are. Why? Because he used to wear them or something. Moving on.

NEEDS WORK

The only thing I see holding this back is prose. You could a knife to edit this down. In my never ending carosel of sharp metaphors, just a normal steak knife. The writing doesn't interfere with enjoyment but you stumble sometimes and lose that forward momentum with extra or redundant words/lines. And generally, you could sharpen things up.

OVERALL

Pretty good. Strength of ideas over execution.

thank you! will take this feedback into account. practice makes perfect, after all. wordiness is a consistent complaint, will work on paring it down.

 

[TheTrinary]

Here is my recently finished work. I'd greatly appreciate any insight you could offer.

Feelings and Fondness

In the mid-2000s, eleven-year-old Robin Brush lives in the commuter belt village of Stanstead Abbotts in Hertfordshire, England. He suffers constantly from being bullied, ridiculed, or misunderstood by almost everyone. Forced to live an isolated life as an outcast, he doesn't even have any...

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Would not keep reading.

THE GOOD

You caught my eye right away with the first sentence. You're use of "late-June" made me perk up. And I think you do an excellent job of description in general. Especially in the scene setting.

Generally speaking, the writing and prose is good. It's kind of the opposite of what I see around here where people don't have the tools to execute an idea.

And I quite like the ending. That sudden jump to this dangerous sort of household.

THE BAD

On the whole, you're drawn out and winded. I started paying attention to whe my eyes wandered:

The first was paragraph 6 (including dialogue). Listen my man, paragraphs 2-10 are all about him leaving his gym clothes at school. And for what? It doesn't leap from into a larger, more important idea. And even if it did, I got bored halfway through the gym short section. You establish some issues or forgetfullness, you establish his teachers are awful, then you get out. I don't understand why we're dwelling on these ideas.

Similarly, so much of this chapter is about Timothy and I'm not sure why. Frequently, what's the idea? Why are you telling us this specific information? What ideas are you trying to get across and why does it need to be so long?

I also think your character voices bleed at points. I started reading one line as Timothy when it was Robin. Thats a massive issue given the ages.

OVERALL

Kind of meandering. You don't need to hit us over the head with that final idea, but the chapter itself should be servicable with the story you're telling.

 

[Cosmictapestry]

Hello,
I found your previous feedback very helpful and was wondering if you could take a look at this new story I’m working on. The first chapter is sufficient.

Bite Me, Darling Chapter 1 - Shadows

Read Bite Me, Darling chapter 1 - Shadows on WebNovel. Bite Me, Darling novel written by CosmicTapestry. WebNovel APP provide latest Bite Me, Darling book update.

m.webnovel.com

Thanks.

 

[harrydouthwaite]

I appreciate this, thank you. I have had previous feedback which was critical over the flashback at the beginning and several other points. I have a soft spot for Timothy as he's loosely based on a childhood friend with a similar age gap, and Robin becomes fond of him to the point that he sees him like the little brother he's always wanted. The story is told almost exclusively from Robin's point of view, so this is probably why Timothy gets a lot of limelight because Robin becomes very fond of him.

But yes, I could probably move most of the stuff with Timothy to the second chapter and make room for other stuff more focused on Robin in the first chapter.

 

[TheTrinary]

I appreciate this, thank you. I have had previous feedback which was critical over the flashback at the beginning and several other points. I have a soft spot for Timothy as he's loosely based on a childhood friend with a similar age gap, and Robin becomes fond of him to the point that he sees him like the little brother he's always wanted. The story is told almost exclusively from Robin's point of view, so this is probably why Timothy gets a lot of limelight because Robin becomes very fond of him.

But yes, I could probably move most of the stuff with Timothy to the second chapter and make room for other stuff more focused on Robin in the first chapter.

I think you're taking the wrong idea out of this. The issue isn't Timothy. The issue is the lack of ideas. Okay he's hanigng out with this little kid. . . so what? What's the conflict, what's the character growth, why should I be entertained. You need to layer any scene, have two things effectively going on at once for engagement. On the litearl level he's hanging out with little Tim, but then what's the greater implications of that. What does that say about him, how he is changing, about how he is learning abou the environment.

 

[harrydouthwaite]

I think you're taking the wrong idea out of this. The issue isn't Timothy. The issue is the lack of ideas. Okay he's hanigng out with this little kid. . . so what? What's the conflict, what's the character growth, why should I be entertained. You need to layer any scene, have two things effectively going on at once for engagement. On the litearl level he's hanging out with little Tim, but then what's the greater implications of that. What does that say about him, how he is changing, about how he is learning abou the environment.

Ah, I apologize. I guess I might have misunderstood.

Yes, I suppose I might have neglected to flesh out that particular detail. In the first chapter I'm trying to convey that Robin feels things deeply, and has certain traits that foreshadow his diagnosis of high-functioning autism towards the end of the story. For some reason he can't explain, nobody ever wants to play with him. Timothy is the first person in a long time that not only plays with him, but looks up to him too. This is unusual, but something Robin has always wanted.

So yes, I guess I need to elaborate more on that.

 

[TheTrinary]

Hello,
I found your previous feedback very helpful and was wondering if you could take a look at this new story I’m working on. The first chapter is sufficient.

Bite Me, Darling Chapter 1 - Shadows

Read Bite Me, Darling chapter 1 - Shadows on WebNovel. Bite Me, Darling novel written by CosmicTapestry. WebNovel APP provide latest Bite Me, Darling book update.

m.webnovel.com

Thanks.

RATING: Would not Keep Reading.

THE GOOD

I liked the overall idea of the chapter. I mean, it was literally- litearlly- the elvator pitch for Buffy, but who cares. It's a solid bait and switch.

I'll also give half commendation for the attempt at style and really trying to write it. The attempt.

THE BAD

Let's divide up the writing in two:

1) The word choice is too much. I give props for an attempt at style, but it's goofy. It feels like the prototypical example of poor fantasy writing. It looks like I can't copy and paste to give you direct refrences, but sharp writing uses as few words as possible to create the maximum meaning. It's not necessarily about big or evokative words inherently.

You have to take into account tone and voice. If every choice is over the top, it gets purple. I just saw this doing the below, but what the heck is "fractured neon."

2) This is the real issue, so listen up. Your ability to deliver information is lacking. You will skip over critical details just assuming the reader know what you meant. Or there are outright mistakes.

Example: You say "he" in paragraph 1 without us knowing who that is. Pronouns don't work if they don't substitute.

BIG Example: Even more egrigious, you have many monents like when he goes out into the alley. that don't make sense. He's walking through the club floor when the door opens and it gets cold. Okay, who is opening the door? I'm not being told he is opening the door or following out someone who is. But then it turns out that he is outside.

You do this several times in many different places. As much as I'm sure you think it makes sense; it only makes sense in retrospect. Sadly we must read your work linearly, so if there is any point where we have to stop and ask what is going on, you've failed as a story teller. Generally.

OVERALL

I admire the gung-ho attempt to really make something neat, but it has some deep fundamental issues. By all means, keep the ambition and the drive to entertain. Just work on your technical aspects.

 

[twin_makes]

I would love to hear your comment on the first chapter, I also have a prologue, but it is quite short, so here is the first chapter: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1019128-alchzard-world/chapter/1019137/ Thank you <3

 

[Notadate]

ima die, I know its not the best. I took too long of a break from writing. But Im willing to take criticism and get back on the train of improvment

HomosJarra - A tale in a terrarium [White board shenagins] | Royal Road

A rusty bolt. A photo of which will be his last. A cold and dark grave, far too deep to his liking. He meets his death and is offered, no, he doesn't know if it was a offer or more by force. He can only laugh, to give up choice for a next time. At the cost of choice the man was forced to roll...

www.royalroad.com

only one chap

 

[TheTrinary]

I would love to hear your comment on the first chapter, I also have a prologue, but it is quite short, so here is the first chapter: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1019128-alchzard-world/chapter/1019137/ Thank you <3

Rating: Would not Keep Reading

You're extremely extremely wordy, even when conveying simple concepts, so I'm just going to do some line edits:


Morning arrived with a quiet, hesitant grace, I'm going to call this purple. I'm not saying that the phrase won't ever work, but the follow up needs to really justify the lofy wording. casting a gentle light into the room as it gradually pushed away the remnants of night's shadows. Not justified. In fact, you're just describe how light and darkness works. I know everything I need to know from the first sentence by the word "Morning", everything after is fluff. The girl lay in her simple bed, her eyes fixed on the ceiling. Not that waking up is a very proactive way of writing, but I'm not even sure what you're saying here. Did she just wake up, has she been staring at the ceiling for hours. Especially given that you're trying to express dread through the characters actions, we need more. Today, of all days, This modifier is pointless. The purpose of the sentence is to stress the importance of the day, you don't need to double up. she knew the date deep down in her bones, despite deliberately avoiding checking the calendar for a while. In context, can we talk about how thin this entire idea is? You're trying to say she knows today is her birthday. Most people do. A sense of unease gnawed at her, Cool if you could have shown that in the sentence where you tried to show it. for it was her birthday, awk. a day she dreaded. Why are you explicity telling us this for the third time in a single paragraph? For one, she couldn't understand why people made such a fuss about the birthing day. "For one" indicates that you're making a list to explain the previous point, but this has nothing to do with dread. Congratulating or making a big ordeal out of something you had no say over was something she never understood. Wordy but the sentiment actually works in the proper context. Especially surrounded with people that were not your family, and her family now was smaller than ever. You split the baby here. Both ideas are good, but why are they together. Her family is smaller, okay that's upseting. And the observation about birthdays being celebrated with 'strangers' could work in a certain context, at least for smaller children who don't get a choice. But what does one have to do with the other? And only one has to do with the theme you are trying to build: dread.

Easing herself out of the bed, she grabbed for her clothes from the railing by her bed. We just saw her get out of bed, we don't need to know that she got out of bed-- by her bed. It was then that she noticed the incongruity, something out of place in the cool light coming through heavy wooden blind slivers. Describing the blinds would have been appropriate when you were setting the scene, now it feels like a distracting detail when you're about to make a point. A small rectangle box wrapped in whimsical paper What makes paper whimsical rested on her worktable, nestled among her latest research papers. Why does an adult have to celebrate their birthday with strangers It hadn't been there the night before. Rolling her eyes and filled with mixed emotions, anger mostly, You shotgun us with three ingongruent ideas, her emotions are mixed, her emotions is anger, and her emotion requires an eye roll. None of these really go together. she peered through the darkness of the room to the other side. You have taken great lengths of our time to establish that the room is not dark because light pushes away dark.

ima die, I know its not the best. I took too long of a break from writing. But Im willing to take criticism and get back on the train of improvment

HomosJarra - A tale in a terrarium [White board shenagins] | Royal Road

A rusty bolt. A photo of which will be his last. A cold and dark grave, far too deep to his liking. He meets his death and is offered, no, he doesn't know if it was a offer or more by force. He can only laugh, to give up choice for a next time. At the cost of choice the man was forced to roll...

www.royalroad.com

only one chap

If it's on Royal Road, just post the request on my Royal Road thread.