A snip of my improved chapter after being told it was passive and undescriptive.

[TheUnsuspicious]

So I got a review from TheTrinary for my first chapter. He said that it was too passive and not descriptive and declared that he wasn't interested to read further... and I took that very personaly– nah joke joke. I appreciate his review. And his advice was right so I started focusing on improving that... but midway, I had this awful feeling that perhaps it was too descriptive. that perhaps it was too slow paced now.

The thing is, I'm so used to fast paced novel (chinese novel). So when I read my own revised chapter, it felt unbelievably slow like a snail. So I need your opinion on this. And in case you are wondering, this is the novel's link https://www.scribblehub.com/series/603971/the-fateful-day/ (shameful advertising). Though I do not suggest it since it is still the passive and lack description like what TheTrinary had said.

Well then, here's the snip.
__________

Surrounded by the woods, a girl trudged through the dense, shadowed trees, dragging her feet with each step. The humid air clung to her skin like a wet blanket, and her throat was raw from thirst while her eyes were bleary with fatigue.

She was small, no more than nine or ten. Yet, with her torn, dirt-stained dress, blistered feet, and ragged breath, she kept moving forward regardless of the pain and exhaustion weighing her down. As she walked through the forest, the leaves rustled and whispered under her feet. It softly blended with the distant hum of buzzing insects while the musty smell of decay filled her nostrils.

After scanning her surroundings, the young girl finally decided to take a short rest. With clothes and skin covered in dirt and sweat from her travel, she walked over to a nearby tree and sat down on the rough, dry leaves, hoping to catch her breath and regain some energy before continuing on her journey.

Soon, the girl huddled her body closely as she took in her surroundings. The air was heavy with the scent of earth and pine, and the chirping of birds provided a soothing background noise while the shadows cast by the trees added a sense of mystery and depth to the scene.

But not long after, she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head to get a better look, and that's when she saw it - a small green snake resting just beside her with its vigilant eyes fixed on her.

 

[Erys]

I had this awful feeling that perhaps it was too descriptive.

Nothing wrong with being too descriptive. Just avoid describing the same thing twice.

 

[K5Rakitan]

I'm seeing a lot of "was" here. The trick to avoiding passive writing is to avoid forms of "to be" such as is, was, and were:

her throat was raw from thirst while her eyes were bleary with fatigue.
-->
her throat ached from thirst while her eyesight blurred with fatigue.

Of course, there are times when passive writing is acceptable or necessary. It's up to you to determine when those instances occur.

 

[melchi]

Is the girl supposed to be your main character? If so I'd suggest giving her a name right away. Having a character named 'a girl' screams throwaway character.

 

[TheUnsuspicious]

Is the girl supposed to be your main character? If so I'd suggest giving her a name right away. Having a character named 'a girl' screams throwaway character.

the story has 2 protag. and yea youll find it in the first chapter.

 

[TheUnsuspicious]

If anyone would like to see a little more of the snip. Here it is.
__________

But not long after, she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head to get a better look, and that's when she saw it - a small green snake resting just beside her with its vigilant eyes fixed on her.

“Kyaa!”

The terrified girl screamed in panic as the snake slithered closer, its fangs bared and ready to strike. She kicked and flailed, trying to fend it off, but her fear and desperation made her movements clumsy and ineffective. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest, and she knew she was running out of time.

Just when the snake was about to strike, a hand shot out and caught it by the neck. The girl froze, her eyes shifted to the boy who had appeared out of nowhere, his bright complexion and pitch-black hair were a blur as she tried to process what was happening, however, it was his eyes that fully captured her attention - a pair of brilliant golden orbs that seemed to glow with an inner fire, mesmerizing and captivating.

With a leather pouch strapped to his back and adorning a plain clothing, he presented himself like any other young boy. But when she saw his distinct confidence and solid composure that belied his age, that image instantly crumbled down.

The boy held the snake easily, his movements calm and controlled as he disarmed it, and when he turned to face the girl, his golden eyes seemed to pierce through her, as if he could see into the very depths of her soul.

“You alright?”

But the girl, on the other hand, merely stared at him with her restless eyes, her body tense and wary. The boy, noticing the girl's shock, decided to toss the snake as far away as possible.

"Sorry, little snake," he said, flicking the small creature away with a straight movement. With a swoosh, the snake vanished into the distance.

"That one isn't the type to attack people easily. You must have startled it so much... well, I guess it doesn’t matter," the boy said, brushing his palms to sweep away the dirt from his hands. But when he examined the girl's tattered outfit, he cocked one of his eyebrows in surprise.

"Eh? You look like you came from a well-off family. What is a rich brat doing alone in the middle of the forest?" he asked, forgetting for a moment that he too was just a young boy alone in the middle of the forest.

But instead of replying to him, the girl remained silent, her eyes still veiled with wariness. Seeing her reaction, the boy shrugged and lost all interest.

"I guess it's none of my business... brat, go home quickly. This place is not for some kid to play around," said by the brat as he turned to leave.

But right before he could go, the girl's stomach growled audibly, forcing his attention back to her.

"Seriously?" he glanced back at her in disbelief when he captured the little maiden’s face turning red with embarrassment at the noise.

Seemingly conflicted at first, the boy eventually sighed and decided to help. He reached into his pouch and pulled out two large, ripe apples. The bright red hue of the fruit made them look especially appetizing.

“Catch!” the boy tossed one of the fruits to her.

The girl caught the fruit clumsily but stop and stared at him for a moment, she couldn't quite understand what the boy had done.

Unsettled by her gaze, the boy glanced away, unsure of how to react. "Eee… you don’t like apples?"

The little girl shook her head slowly in response.

"Then why aren't you eating?" the boy’s tone was slightly confused. He couldn't help but wonder what was going through her mind. Had she not eaten in a while? Was she too nervous to eat in front of him?

But it was useless to ponder further about this.

Shaking his head, the boy moved and sat directly near her. When he saw her curious eyes directed at his face, he returned it with an indifferent manner.

“What? Can’t I be hungry too? Just mind your own business and eat your fruit,” after saying such, the boy nonchalantly took a bite of the juicy apple on his hand.

Watching his laidback attitude, the girl seemed to be affected and relaxed for a bit. But suddenly, her stomach began making noise again.

GGggrrrr!

Flustered by her own stomach, she bit the apple in a haste. The juicy flavor filled her mouth as her eyes twinkled with delight while her cheeks flushed with ecstasy.

“Mm!” a joyous sound escaped from her chomping teeths, her mouth eagerly took another bite, nibbling at the fruits slowly yet aggressively.

Meanwhile, stealing a glance at the famished girl, the boy scanned her secretly.

‘Did she get separated from her guardians?’

While the boy immersed himself in his mind, the two of them enjoyed the apple in sweet silence.

.

.

.

When the girl reached for the last bite of her apple, she noticed the boy beside her getting up. But when she looked at him curiously, another fresh fruit fell onto her lap.

"Alright, I'm going home now. You should too, lil miss," the boy suddenly walked away.

Faced with the unexpected turn of events, the girl panicked and stood up without thinking. Distress was clearly written on her face as she called out to the boy.

"W-wait!" for the first time, she spoke out to him, and the desperation in her voice was palpable.

The boy turned towards her and gave her an inquiring look. “Hm? You can talk? What’s up?”

“I… I…”

“Yeah?”

The girl's body tensed up as she faced the boy's inquiring gaze. Struggling to express her thoughts, she fiddled with the fabric of her dress to try to compose herself. On the other hand, when the boy noticed her unease, only then did he realize that she must be a lost child.

The boy facepalm himself. “Aah… right, you must be lost…” he nodded to himself and offered her help. “Just tell me the name of your city and I can lead you to the city’s gate.”

But unlike his expectation, the young girl instantly shook her head with her downcasted eyes.

“Eh? Then what is it?” the boy was stunned for being wrong but still waited patiently.

Soon, the girl looked up at the boy’s eyes with a hint of desperation, her voice barely above a whisper. "C-can I… go… with you…?"

"...Huh?"

 

[Ai-chan]

Your composition lacks emotions. It's not particularly bad and it could fit your style if you want it to. However, emotions add an extra dimension to the story, making it less of an academic read and more of a 'my story' vibe. Ai-chan is too busy (and too sick and too sleepy) to help you out right now, but will try when Ai-chan is a bit more robust.

 

[ForestDweller]

Personally, I think it's fine.

 

[TheUnsuspicious]

Your composition lacks emotions. It's not particularly bad and it could fit your style if you want it to. However, emotions add an extra dimension to the story, making it less of an academic read and more of a 'my story' vibe. Ai-chan is too busy (and too sick and too sleepy) to help you out right now, but will try when Ai-chan is a bit more robust.

Hmm... I think I get what you saying? Currently, we don't see much of the personality between the two kids. All we know is that the girl had experienced a disaster for her to end up like this. And the boy only acts like what any other reasonable person would do.

I believe the lack of emotion exists because the chapter does not have much dialogue or character's thought. Hence, we don't have a clear image of their personalities. However, I dont think I can do much here. The little dialogues and inner thoughts are intentional. I do not wish to reveal their personalities and point of view so quickly yet, since I believe it's not natural and would be too sudden.

It's like I'm forcing the reader to get used to the characters. But socializing doesn't happen like that, we would slowly reveal our personalities as we get closer to each other in a relationship. there are layers. or at least that's how I see it.
Which is why I opted for the gradual approach.
As I showed more of their inner thoughts and past. We will start to gain a picture of their character traits and belief.

...However, all of this are just excuses from me, the author. In fact, I may not fully understood your criticism. When you said lacks emotion... are you talking about how we dont see emotions in the description and in the writing?
If so, to my uneducated opinion, a third person writing is just too hard at accomplishing that. A first person would have done a better job at that. However, I'm but an ignorant writer. So please enlightened me.