Another First Chapter+ Feedback

callalily

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As a person who isn't very good at socializing, I thought what better way to enter the SH community than by jumping headfirst into the deep end of the pool? I consider myself a moderately harsh critic and a bit of a picky consumer, but I mean nothing personal with my comments. This idea was ripped wholesale from other OPs in this forum, so props to them for trying to bring up the quality of fiction being pumped out here (?) But Sturgeon's Law, and all.

So yeah. Any stories you want feedback for? Post them here and I'll take a look.
 

Flashwolf96

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Admittedly, I've always wanted to try one of these but the nerves would get the better of me each time... I know my story's not bad, but I know it's not great either and I'm afraid of getting too full of myself from all the praise I've received thus far.

Therefore... please go ahead. I hope you like it.

I would also like to say that I'm not very good at socializing either. I've been trying to get better lately though!
 

K5Rakitan

Level 32 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
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I'll take some feedback if you promise to give me a one-star rating 😇
 

callalily

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I'll take some feedback if you promise to give me a one-star rating 😇
I'm not sure if you're being serious or not, but I won't be giving site ratings in this thread since I won't be reading enough to give a fully formed opinion ^^;

Admittedly, I've always wanted to try one of these but the nerves would get the better of me each time... I know my story's not bad, but I know it's not great either and I'm afraid of getting too full of myself from all the praise I've received thus far.

Therefore... please go ahead. I hope you like it.

I would also like to say that I'm not very good at socializing either. I've been trying to get better lately though!
Awesome! I've also been trying to get better and remote tabletop has been helping me make some progress (I think).

Alright, time to get into the first review. Here's what I got from your first chapter (and some of the second chapter):

GOOD THINGS
- It's LN style done well. Very readable and pretty fast-paced and the characters and dialogue have a lot of energy. The first chapter was especially cinematic, so I was drawn in to the scene.

- On characters: some of your side characters are very memorable because of their strong characterization. I really liked "God" and their dry, didactic way of speaking and found some humor in their conversation with Micah. Some other characters from Chapter 2 also stuck well in my mind (i.e. Bernadette, Henrietta). I think they work as side characters because they have a strong core character trait/concept that you're building around.

- I like the general premise/focus of the story. Sibling relationships don't have a big enough spotlight in manga/anime/LNs imo (and the stuff that is there is mostly incest fetish fuel, which isn't really for me :/). I also like the idea of opposing "God" -- just the sheer magnitude of that task sounds exciting.

THINGS TO WORK ON
- The main character's characterization is weak. I think you've built too much of Mikasa's identity around being a big sister and her other traits are being left to the wayside. While this "one core concept" works for side characters, we spend a lot of time in Mikasa's head, so more attention should be paid to her complexity. In the chapter and the half I've read, I'm not sure if she's supposed to be rational and cunning or naive and impulsive. The overt text says she's gullible, but her internal dialogue shows that she is suspicious and thinks beyond the surface level (i.e. her being cautious about killing herself because she might not retain her memories), and her actions are a bit deceptive / two-faced (she doesn't think of the nuns as people, but she puts on a cute baby act to endear herself to them without any sign of feeling bad)

- Show don't tell. This was a problem that popped up in Chapter 2 mostly, where we got a bunch of narrated information about the world (one religion overtaking the other, the church's poverty, the existence of magic) when it would have been better to integrate everything organically by showing us ways those things impact the nuns' daily lives. Also, the flow in Chapter 2 wasn't great. We start with the chapter's baddies in the present, then go back through the years Micah spent at the Church up until the present, and then cut back again to a flashback of Micah accidentally talking like an adult as a baby. There's so much jumping around that it's hard for the reader to really become immersed in what is happening.

- There's an overreliance on cinematic writing. I don't know if this is an LN thing or an anime thing, but there were points in Chapter 1 where the flow of the action was really good, but then something would break my immersion:

It’s your brother, Mikasa. Yuu has been hospitalized.

*Crack*

Ding, dong, ding, dong

Dong, ding, dong, ding


Time seemed to blink out for a moment once she’d heard those words. The sound of her phone smashing against the floor after slipping from her grasp vaguely registered in her ears, but she’d been petrified, frozen solid as her mother’s words echoed in her head like church bells alongside the Westminster Chimes of her school’s.

The onomatopoeia here were unnecessary and dampened the drama of the moment for me because I had no idea what *Crack* was referring to. Moreover, the paragraph directly after describes the same thing, but in better detail and prose. This happens again in the same chapter with the scarf falling over Mikasa's body.

I don’t have time for this! Stupid light, hurry the fuck up!

An internal battle of emotion versus reason had already been waging in her head from the moment she stopped. She compared the risk of simply passing through the crosswalk while the pedestrian light was still red to the probability of being hit by a car, and weighed it against her own desire to see her younger brother.

If I get hit, I would either die on the spot or being seriously injured. Then not only would I never see Yuu again, but I’d end up causing more trouble for mom and dad.

I don’t care! I have to see him as soon as possible! I have to know if Yuu is-! Is…!

Hot tears stung at her eyes and blurred her vision as the former won the psychological struggle with little resistance. Her love for her brother was greater than her own desire to live; after all, she’d decided that from the moment he was born that she would gladly lay her life down to keep him safe. If this small risk would get her to him even a second faster, then it was more than worth taking.


And so, with absolutely no hesitation, she kicked off the curb and darted across the road.

“Huh?! Hey, wait-!”
Overnarrating thoughts / overthinking from Mikasa. The two+ paragraphs bog down the moment and frame Mikasa's death as the result of her considering what will happen and then going fuck it ("If I get hit, I would either die on the spot or be seriously injured... I don't care!") -- I found this unnatural. If a person was in a clear enough state of mind to know that they might likely die if they ran out into the street on a red light, they would know not to do it (unless death was their goal). This also happens later when Mikasa has already been hit and her first reaction is to try to calculate how far she was flung from the place of impact (???)

And so, with absolutely no hesitation, she kicked off the curb and darted across the road.

“Huh?! Hey, wait-!”

“What the hell?! Are you crazy?!”

Unfortunately, luck did not smile down on Mikasa that day, as her rush to get to the other side as quickly as possible put her right into the path of an oncoming car. Even with her excellent reflexes, her body was already completely committed to running with her full strength, and as such there was no time to adjust and dodge.

In a sad and cruel twist of fate, Sawatari Mikasa was hit by a car on the way to see her brother at the hospital.
When was the last time she told Yuu that she loved him? That she hugged him or kissed his forehead? When had she done the same for her parents? Had she ever thanked the ones that brought her into this world and raised her to be the person she is now? Why hadn’t she told her friends what was going on? Nari had a car and a license, and could have easily driven them to the hospital, but instead she let herself get overcome with emotion and ran off on her own. Now she would get no chance to say goodbye; not to them, nor her parents, and, worst of all, her most important person, Yuu.

I’m sorry…

And with that last thought, the world came to an end.

That was how the girl known as ‘Sawatari Mikasa’ lost her life. But this was far from the end of her story. No, this was only the beginning.
Intrusive narrator. The moments before the places highlighted in blue really had me in the moment, but the narration would bring me out again. Most of the time, we're closely following Mikasa's perspective, so having these slightly fourth-wall-breaking moments is disruptive, especially when a separate narrator's voice hasn't been established from the very beginning.

POSTMORTEM (my opinions on things that are already entrenched in the story and probably can't be changed)

- The problem with transmigrating into a baby's body and why it doesn't really work for your story:
I was thinking about the ending of Chapter 1 and I wondered if there would be a timeskip, so I continued reading for a bit afterwards. I was curious about how the story would deal with Mikasa's motivations with the passage of time. Since she's living a whole new life with no concrete knowledge of how to return to her old family and no real way of meeting God besides dying again, I wondered if she would slowly become attached to and/or satisfied with her new circumstances -- time is a pretty powerful force. If finding her brother would continue to be her goal, I thought it would have been better for the story to transmigrate her into a more grown-up/capable body so there wouldn't be any delay from her search, but I wondered if there was a surprise waiting for me.

I think the story anticipated the concerns I had because it kind of addresses this in Chapter 2 in the narration (Mikasa doesn't think of the nuns as real people), but that didn't really feel emotionally believable to me, nor was it very relevant to the parts of the chapter I had read, so I was a bit disappointed.

- Yuu also has weak characterization. From the part in Chapter 1 about five-year-old Mikasa taking care of Yuu as a baby, we can deduce that Yuu is currently around 13 years old. In Mikasa's memories, there aren't any moments with Yuu acting like a normal 13 year old boy. He's very much the "cute anime child, must protecc" trope and the relationship didn't feel realistic enough for me to feel invested in it.

WRAPUP
There were some good moments in your writing and I can definitely see why your story has been getting praise. It reads very quickly and the grammar is better than some of the other stories I've seen here. Your dialogues have a lot of energy and when you have a clear idea in your mind, your characters are well-characterized. However, there's still room for improvement when it comes to flow and more in-depth character writing. Good luck! ファイト!
 

WasatchWind

Writer, musician, creator of worlds
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As a person who isn't very good at socializing, I thought what better way to enter the SH community than by jumping headfirst into the deep end of the pool? I consider myself a moderately harsh critic and a bit of a picky consumer, but I mean nothing personal with my comments. This idea was ripped wholesale from other OPs in this forum, so props to them for trying to bring up the quality of fiction being pumped out here (?) But Sturgeon's Law, and all.

So yeah. Any stories you want feedback for? Post them here and I'll take a look.
Before I link mine, I must make two caveats:

One, my story is a fan work, so I don't know if that is not your thing,

And two, the first part of my story is a brief poem, with the first real chapter following it.

That being said, I consider my story, if the reader is not familiar with the source, to read just like a traditional fantasy novel.


I do not care if you choose to comment on the story or give feedback here.
 

Flashwolf96

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Messages
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I'm not sure if you're being serious or not, but I won't be giving site ratings in this thread since I won't be reading enough to give a fully formed opinion ^^;


Awesome! I've also been trying to get better and remote tabletop has been helping me make some progress (I think).

Alright, time to get into the first review. Here's what I got from your first chapter (and some of the second chapter):

GOOD THINGS
- It's LN style done well. Very readable and pretty fast-paced and the characters and dialogue have a lot of energy. The first chapter was especially cinematic, so I was drawn in to the scene.

- On characters: some of your side characters are very memorable because of their strong characterization. I really liked "God" and their dry, didactic way of speaking and found some humor in their conversation with Micah. Some other characters from Chapter 2 also stuck well in my mind (i.e. Bernadette, Henrietta). I think they work as side characters because they have a strong core character trait/concept that you're building around.

- I like the general premise/focus of the story. Sibling relationships don't have a big enough spotlight in manga/anime/LNs imo (and the stuff that is there is mostly incest fetish fuel, which isn't really for me :/). I also like the idea of opposing "God" -- just the sheer magnitude of that task sounds exciting.

THINGS TO WORK ON
- The main character's characterization is weak. I think you've built too much of Mikasa's identity around being a big sister and her other traits are being left to the wayside. While this "one core concept" works for side characters, we spend a lot of time in Mikasa's head, so more attention should be paid to her complexity. In the chapter and the half I've read, I'm not sure if she's supposed to be rational and cunning or naive and impulsive. The overt text says she's gullible, but her internal dialogue shows that she is suspicious and thinks beyond the surface level (i.e. her being cautious about killing herself because she might not retain her memories), and her actions are a bit deceptive / two-faced (she doesn't think of the nuns as people, but she puts on a cute baby act to endear herself to them without any sign of feeling bad)

- Show don't tell. This was a problem that popped up in Chapter 2 mostly, where we got a bunch of narrated information about the world (one religion overtaking the other, the church's poverty, the existence of magic) when it would have been better to integrate everything organically by showing us ways those things impact the nuns' daily lives. Also, the flow in Chapter 2 wasn't great. We start with the chapter's baddies in the present, then go back through the years Micah spent at the Church up until the present, and then cut back again to a flashback of Micah accidentally talking like an adult as a baby. There's so much jumping around that it's hard for the reader to really become immersed in what is happening.

- There's an overreliance on cinematic writing. I don't know if this is an LN thing or an anime thing, but there were points in Chapter 1 where the flow of the action was really good, but then something would break my immersion:



The onomatopoeia here were unnecessary and dampened the drama of the moment for me because I had no idea what *Crack* was referring to. Moreover, the paragraph directly after describes the same thing, but in better detail and prose. This happens again in the same chapter with the scarf falling over Mikasa's body.


Overnarrating thoughts / overthinking from Mikasa. The two+ paragraphs bog down the moment and frame Mikasa's death as the result of her considering what will happen and then going fuck it ("If I get hit, I would either die on the spot or be seriously injured... I don't care!") -- I found this unnatural. If a person was in a clear enough state of mind to know that they might likely die if they ran out into the street on a red light, they would know not to do it (unless death was their goal). This also happens later when Mikasa has already been hit and her first reaction is to try to calculate how far she was flung from the place of impact (???)



Intrusive narrator. The moments before the places highlighted in blue really had me in the moment, but the narration would bring me out again. Most of the time, we're closely following Mikasa's perspective, so having these slightly fourth-wall-breaking moments is disruptive, especially when a separate narrator's voice hasn't been established from the very beginning.

POSTMORTEM (my opinions on things that are already entrenched in the story and probably can't be changed)

- The problem with transmigrating into a baby's body and why it doesn't really work for your story:
I was thinking about the ending of Chapter 1 and I wondered if there would be a timeskip, so I continued reading for a bit afterwards. I was curious about how the story would deal with Mikasa's motivations with the passage of time. Since she's living a whole new life with no concrete knowledge of how to return to her old family and no real way of meeting God besides dying again, I wondered if she would slowly become attached to and/or satisfied with her new circumstances -- time is a pretty powerful force. If finding her brother would continue to be her goal, I thought it would have been better for the story to transmigrate her into a more grown-up/capable body so there wouldn't be any delay from her search, but I wondered if there was a surprise waiting for me.

I think the story anticipated the concerns I had because it kind of addresses this in Chapter 2 in the narration (Mikasa doesn't think of the nuns as real people), but that didn't really feel emotionally believable to me, nor was it very relevant to the parts of the chapter I had read, so I was a bit disappointed.

- Yuu also has weak characterization. From the part in Chapter 1 about five-year-old Mikasa taking care of Yuu as a baby, we can deduce that Yuu is currently around 13 years old. In Mikasa's memories, there aren't any moments with Yuu acting like a normal 13 year old boy. He's very much the "cute anime child, must protecc" trope and the relationship didn't feel realistic enough for me to feel invested in it.

WRAPUP
There were some good moments in your writing and I can definitely see why your story has been getting praise. It reads very quickly and the grammar is better than some of the other stories I've seen here. Your dialogues have a lot of energy and when you have a clear idea in your mind, your characters are well-characterized. However, there's still room for improvement when it comes to flow and more in-depth character writing. Good luck! ファイト!

Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I'm pretty egotistical towards my writing I think, so I completely expected to be upset by any flaws pointed out by you, but to my surprise I read your whole review with a smile. I'm especially glad to see that a lot of the things you pointed out were beyond my expectations. That gives me room to reexamine my writing and try to improve. So again, thank you so much for this.

I absolutely agree with a lot of things you've said, and I'm even going to go and make some edits based on what you've pointed out (mainly removing some of those onomatopoeias). But there are also a couple of things I thought I should point out myself:

Micah's characterization was one of the things I noticed early on, and if one were to read to the end of chapter 2, they'd notice a startling change in her personality and actions that feels mind-blowingly insane for such a seemingly normal person. When I realized that the average reader would likely find themselves completely disillusioned with Micah at that point, I immediately made an extra chapter that attempts to explain why it is she's so fixated on Yuu and the idea of protecting him, to the point where she completely shuts out everyone around her (like her friends and teacher) and even ignores her own safety without a second thought.

Is it wrong that I... kind of want you to read more? :sweat_smile: Your thoughts are so insightful that I can't help but want to hear what you have to say about the rest of the chapters. But I know I shouldn't be greedy. Really, I'm grateful enough that you went into the second chapter at all. Anyway, moving on.

Onee-chan, Onee-chan! Look, look what I made at school today! It’s a crown, for you! Because Onee-chan is just like a princess!

“Haa…! Haa…! Haa…!”

Mmm… I dunno what I wanna be when I grow up. Ehehe, but whatever it is, I wanna stay with Onee-chan! Forever and ever!

“Haa…! Haa…! Haa…!”

Happy birthday, Onee-chan. I got this for you, see? Now, even if I’m not around, you won’t have to feel lonely.





I love you, Onee-chan. No matter what, that won’t ever change. Okay?


“Damn it…! What the hell is that supposed to…!”

This part is completely my fault since it isn't conveyed as properly as it should be, but those bits of dialogue from Yuu were meant to convey things he'd said to Mikasa at different points in his life - in other words, a slideshow of memories of Yuu going through her head as she's running for the hospital. The first one is a really young Yuu, the second is a slightly older but still childish Yuu, and the final one is Yuu at his current age, which is why the dialogue is calmer and not full of childish energy. I also end up showing another flashback involving Yuu at his current age in chapter 8, but even so I can't deny the fact that he's extremely underdeveloped. And unfortunately as far as my plans for the story go, there won't be much opportunity for me to change that. Still, I'm glad that you pointed it out. I'll try and keep it in mind as I write future chapters.

You also drew a snicker from me with the, "cute anime child, must protecc" line, because that is 100% what I was going for for the most part.

At the end of the day, I can say that I am more than satisfied with your review. You told me exactly what I wanted to hear, so I appreciate you taking the time to do this. If there's anyone out there who's like me and lurks over threads like this wondering if they should participate, I highly recommend giving this one a try.
 

EternalSunset0

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Really liked the feedback I saw, so I'll give it a shot, too. Here you go for my first volume.

Do take note that I initially wrote each chapter to be around 6k words long, and I split them in half here on Scribblehub for the sake of word density, which, looking back, I think I regret a bit. I think you'll get a more complete first chapter experience if you read chapters 1 and 2 in one go because chapter 2's end is where I originally ended the first chapter on when I was writing it. The same goes for the other chapters in the first volume. The chapter count basically doubled because I forced-split everything.
 

BenJepheneT

Trans💜: Male™ to Alpha™™ Male™™™
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As a person who isn't very good at socializing, I thought what better way to enter the SH community than by jumping headfirst into the deep end of the pool? I consider myself a moderately harsh critic and a bit of a picky consumer, but I mean nothing personal with my comments. This idea was ripped wholesale from other OPs in this forum, so props to them for trying to bring up the quality of fiction being pumped out here (?) But Sturgeon's Law, and all.

So yeah. Any stories you want feedback for? Post them here and I'll take a look.

Alright, you've convinced me. My friends always told me to explore new frontiers and I've decided having a new one ripped out of my emotional well-being is the way to go.

Be harsh to my baby; fuck him up.
 

TheTrinary

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I'd be happy with some harsh criticism. See story on the left of my sig. If you don't mind double dipping, story on my right. That one doesn't work and I'm not sure how to tweak it yet.
 

KingMusa

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I'm just gonna post mine here since I haven't published it yet, I hope that's cool. It's a pretty long first chapter but I hope you enjoy it! And I haven't done any serious editing but it's readable and clear to understand.

ENJOY!
.
April 4th x738 E6
Maple City -2pm


As usual, it was a sunny day in Maple City. Everyone was going about their business, keeping the city moving like a rotating wheel. The city was busy as ever, filled with a mixture of noises, from its civilians, traffic, and many wild and domestic animal. It was as if the city was speaking itself. In a quieter area of the city, a boy by the name of Ren Arks is making his way towards an abandoned warehouse.

Ren Arks is a 20-year-old human, with spiky black bed hair. At first glance you would think he has never brushed his hair in a year now, but he would say otherwise. Ren has deep brown eyes filled with laziness and defiance. Ren has tanned olive skin that makes his hair and eye stand out.

Ren reached the entrance of the warehouse, and slowly opened it, only to be met with more than twenty delinquents all carrying some sort of weapon. Upon seeing the situation he was in, Ren let out a sigh before closing the door behind him and placed his hands in his pockets, as he scanned the warehouse looking at all the delinquents.

"I knew coming here would be a drag…." Ren complained to himself. "Why was I asked here?"

From within the crowd of lawbreakers, a big swole man walked up to the front of the crowd, and next to him was a smaller man who had a black eye on his left eye.

"Are you the little punk that gave my little brother this bruise!?" The sole man asked in a stern voice

"Yes, that's me Ren Arks, at your service" Ren replied in a smug tone "Do you need me to give him another black eye?"

The swole dude clenched both of his fists in anger and frustration. "Do you think this is some kinda joke!". The dude then reached into his pocket and pulled out two gold knuckle dusters and equipped them onto his hands

"The only joke here is, a grown man like you is running around playing gangsta with your pathetic friends" Ren replied "jeez most of you look to be in your late twenties….instead of causing unnecessary trouble, why don't you get a job and stop being bums," Ren said out loud. Ren then looked at the guy who had a black eye "And you...you walk around acting tough bullying the innocents but can't handle yourself when someone fights back...pathetic"

All the delinquents started shouting in anger and waving their weapons, "who do you think you are!", "do you want to fucking die!" "We will teach you to mess with us!" "We will make sure you wake up in a hospital bed!". Those were the type of things they were shouting, but not one of them phased Ren.

Out of everyone the swole dude at the front was the one who was angry the most "SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!!" He shouted, and immediately everyone stopped shouting, he then started cracking his knuckles "I hope you understand that you have sealed your own fate of being beaten black and blue and left unconscious! I'll make sure you never talk shit again"

"I could have gotten an extra thirty minute of sleep but noooo, my dumbass had to come here and have my time wasted," Ren said to himself annoyed. "Well look at you acting all tough! Fate isn't going to save you and your friends from this ass whooping, I'm about to hand out to each of you" Ren grinned as he removed his hand from his pocket

Two guys holding metal bats charged at Ren with anger in their eyes. The first guy swung his bat downwards aiming for Rens's head, but with little to no effort at all Ren caught the bat with one hand. Then with a grin Ren applied some pressure to his grip and crushed the bat, before the first guy could react Ren powerhouse kicked him straight in the stomach, sending him flying and crashing into the crowd of delinquents. This inhumane display of strength made the second guy flinch in fear hesitating to continue any further, which was unfortunate, as Ren plunged his fist into his face, knocking him out cold.

"You see...I told you...he was a monster!" The guy with the black eye whimpered

Seeing a glimpse of Ren's raw strength put the others on edge. "What's wrong? You can all attack me together if you like" Ren said as he cracked his neck "You weaklings are going to need the handicap" Ren grinned

"Kill that son of bitch!!" The swole guy shouted with anger

And with that command, all the delinquents charged at Ren at full speed. Ren Arks is a lazy guy so most underestimate him since his hardly motivated to do anything, but fighting is one of the things that excites him, especially if the odds are against him since he himself is a delinquent but since he has a job he puts himself above other delinquents who don't have a job.

A few minutes had passed and Ren had taken out all of the delinquents, the only ones left were the swole man and the man with the black eye.

In a terrified voice, the man with a black eye mumbled "n-no way….this can't be possible...h-he's a monster"

The swole delinquent clenched his fist as tight as he could and in a fit of rage and humiliation, charged at Ren "You son of a bitch!" With all his might, the delinquent threw a straight jab towards Ren. The delinquent's fist passed straight through Rens face as if he just hit the air. "The hell!"

"That's called an after image" Ren said as he appeared behind the bulky delinquent, with his fist recoiled back to his waist. As soon as the delinquent turned around, Ren launched his fist straight into the delinquent's face, breaking his jaw, nose and sending him flying into a wall knocking him out unconscious.

"Oh shit, oh shit, this isn't good," the guy with the black eye said trembling in fear

"Now it's your turn" Ren grinned as he approached the black-eyed guy, but before Ren could reach him, the black-eyed guy passed out in fear

And with that, Ren emerged victorious. He was the last one standing with all the delinquents laying on the ground unconscious, Ren himself wasn't injured at all, a group like this is no match for him, he wouldn't even consider it a warm-up.

Ren grabbed one of the delinquents phones and called an ambulance "hey there is an emergency, I happen to stumble upon a few…..roughians who seem to be unconscious at the abandoned warehouse behind Maple plaza. Bring like, 1..2..3..4...umm just bring as many ambulances as you can" Ren explained before hanging up the phone, not giving the person on the receiving end of the line enough time to reply

"The only reason I came here was that I was expecting a good fight….but I guess I was expecting too much" Ren sighed. At the corner of Ren's eye, he saw the time on one of the delinquents' watches and his eyes widened a little bit, as he was running late for his job. "Fuck I'm late for work!"

Ren quickly ran out of the warehouse and into Maple Plaza where his workplace was located. Ren finally arrived at his worksite, which was a small restaurant called "Big Bites".

"You're late again Ren!" A tall women said as she walked past Ren, holding two plates of food on her way to serve a customer

"Yeh I know I know, I had some pest to take care of" Ren quickly replied

Ren made his way into the restaurant's locker room and got changed into his work uniform, but before he could leave, another man with a smug look on his face walked into the locker room and took a seat on one of the locker room benches.

"Why is your face like that?...." Ren asked looking at the man that just walked in

The man then chuckled and looked up at Ren "Well if you insist on knowing, I just scored big time with an older woman...and I have a date coming up with her"

"Jeez Lay, what is it with you and older women?...sometimes your obsession with them creeps me out," Ren said with a crept out look

"What is there not to be obsessed about? Older Women are much more mature than the girls our age, and they know how to handle themselves….not to mention their body is also mature" Lay replied with a perverted smile

"Ugh, your just a pervert" Ren said as he placed his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave the locker room, but just before he could open the door Lay replied saying

"I'm the pervert? That's funny coming from a guy that has a fetish for feet"

Hearing this made Ren squeeze the doorknob with enough pressure to break it completely, a vain then popped upon his head and he clenched both of his fists. In a stern voice, he continued to say "What the hell did you say!?"

Lay stood up holding his ground, looking directly at Ren "I said, you have a fetish for feet" Lay replied egging Ren on

Ren turned around and grabbed Lay by his collar, gritting his teeth in anger "Don't ever lump me in with those weirdos!" Ren said in an exaggerated angry voice. "I'm a man with taste and class, I'm a man of culture, people with my kind of fetish stand above every other fetish in existence…" before Ren could go on any further with his monologue, Lay interrupted by saying

"Stop blabbering and get to the damn point!"

"Thighs god damn it THIGHS!" Ren blurted out "I have a fetish for Thighs….no not a fetish, Thighs are a way of living they are the gates to heaven!"

Ren Arks the only thing he loves more than fighting, is female Thighs, especially thick chunky and well-shaped thighs. Thighs can motivate Ren to do anything, Thighs are one of his only weaknesses.

Lay is a 21year old male human, with messy brown hair that hangs past his eyebrows. He has green eyes that sparkle in the sunlight like a shiny emerald. Lay is a very handsome person that is loved by almost every girl he comes across, but unfortunately, he is only into older women preferably women with an age gap of four years and older. Lay has an olive skin colour with a laid back and cool personality.

As the two boys bickered over which fetish was superior, a short girl with short pink hair walked out of the girls change room and into the locker room, with her work uniform on.

"Can you two just agree to disagree?" the pink-haired women said standing in front of both the boys

Both the boys stopped their intense dispute and focused their attention on the girl standing in front of them, their face filled with disgust as they gazed down at the short girl standing before them

Ren crossed his arms and kissed his teeth before saying "Shut up Maze….Your thighs are too skinny to have a say"

Lay also crossed his arms and kissed his teeth before saying "Yeh shut up Maze….you're too young to be in this conversation"


Maze is a 19-year-old human, with short and shaggy pink hair. She has dark blue eyes, filled with hidden darkness, She stands at 5 foot 4 inches and has the body of a child.

"You're both so mean!... I was just trying to help" Maze whined

Before anyone else could say anything a loud bang was heard from the door and followed by it was the tall women from early, shouting "You guys, hurry your asses up!"

"Yes ma'am!" Both Ren and Lay responded at the exact same time, with obedience

The tall woman is known as Rachel and she is the owner of Big Bites. Rachel has long flowing orange hair that gets lighter at the bottom, with midnight purple eyes that really stand out. Rachel is in her mid-thirties with a very well defined and curvy body figure, she has a light brown skin complexity that compliments her flowing orange hair. Rachel is considered a goddess in the eyes of both Ren and Lay, as she is both mature and has thick and well-shaped thighs, Ren and Lay are both willing to blindly follow her to the ends of the earth if they have to.

Both Ren and Lay quickly got changed and got to work. Maze was at customer service with a couple of other workers, while Ren was in the back cooking with other workers, and Lay went around serving the customers their food. The day went by fast and soon it was night, and Ren was left to close the shop down since he broke the four knob. Ren packed everything up then closed and locked up the store, before leaving.

"It's finally home time," Ren said to himself as he looked up at the night sky

Ren walked down an empty street with only a few cars that would drive past every now and then, the city was no longer talking but it wasn't dead silent either, all that could be heard was night creatures and distant vehicles.

In the distant night sky, high above Ren, hidden above the clouds, two, red unearthly beings flew across the sky, with their bat-like wings. These beings are demons from the Chaos Realm or known by mortals, as Hell. The first demon was extremely tall and slender and the other one was short, with the body proportion of a small child. Both the demons were dark red, with black goat-like horns growing out of their forehead, with bright yellow eyes and had hooves for feet.

"So this is the mortal real... let's go feast on some mortals!" The tall demon said

"No, we are here to strictly look for Ragna" The short demon replied

"It might take a while finding Ragna, let's just eat one or two mortals and get back to searching" The tall demon complained as he slowed down

Knowing that his partner wouldn't continue with the search unless he had his fill, the short demon slowed down and looked for nearby mortals. Looking down below they spotted Ren walking alone in an empty park.

"Found a human!" The talk demon grinned bearing all his sharp fangs

"Alright make it quick" The tall demon sighed

The tall demon raised his right hand in the air, and from his right palm, a long bright red, jagged spear formed in his hand, brimming with chaos energy.

*zzshuuuuum*!

The jagged spear pierced through the sky at high speed towards Ren. The spear was aimed for the back of Ren's head, just before the spear could make contact with Ren's head, Ren bent down to tie his shoelace, the spear just missing his head

"That was a close one, I could have tripped over my shoelace and fell down," Ren said as he tied his shoelace tightly.

*boooom*!

Ren then stood back up and saw a big crater in front of him, at the centre of the crater was the jagged spear.

"Huh? What the hell is that?" Ren asked as he looked at the jagged spear...and what's with the huge crater?" Ren continued to ask questions as he looked at the crater "maybe some sort of construction is happening, whatever must better get home before I fall asleep out here"

"How the hell did you miss!" The short demon said to his partner

"He just got lucky, I won't miss again!" The tall demon replied

*zzshuuuum*!

Another spear come soaring down towards Ren's head, but it missed again when Ren changed his direction to go grab a drink at a nearby drinking fountain

*Boooom*

Once again the spear impaled the ground causing a crater to form around it. Ren finished drinking and once he looked up, he was once again met by a jagged spear

"The hell is going on," Ren said confused, but once again decided to ignore it and continue walking

"Are you going to call that luck again?" The short demon said in a smug ton

The tall demon gritted his teeth starting to get angry "no that was just a fluke, I won't miss this time!"

*zzshuuuum*!

A third spear raced down towards Ren, but this time the spear was simply off the mark, missing him by several meters

*Booom*!

The jagged spear plunged into the ground several meters in front Ren, immediately creating a crater.

"Alright this is just getting annoying," Ren said as he scratched the back of his head

"Okay this is just sad to watch," The small demon said looking at all the spears

In a fit of anger and frustration, the tall demon put both of his hands together before slowly pulling them apart, creating an even bigger, longer and more destructive jagged spear "I'll just destroy him alongside with the damn park!"

*Zzshuuuuuuuuuuummm*!

The fourth spear rocketed downwards with insane speed, generating insane force. The spear came only a few inches away from striking Ren, just before it could hit him, Ren spun around and caught the jagged spear with his left hand, using absolutely no effort.

This feat of his completely stunned and surprised the two demons, they could not believe their eyes, a mere human caught an attack that would kill a mere human with just the slightest touch

"How the hell did he catch that!!" The tall demon said in shock

"That should be impossible…."

*ZZSHUUUUUUUUUUUMMMP*!!

The jagged spear, that Ren had caught, came zipping through the sky and shooting itself directly through the chest of the tall demon, creating a gaping hole. Seeing his partner in such a situation, especially a situation caused by a human, the short demon was completely speechless and frozen

"Are you ready to face me head-on, instead of trying to sneak attack me!" Ren said out loud as he looked up into the night sky

*Thuddd*!

The tall demon crashed into the ground causing a huge smoke explosion, the smaller demon flew down next to his fallen partner and looked at his lifeless body on the floor before looking up at Ren

"You are definitely an interesting human," The short demon said

"I tried avoiding you guys three times, by dodging your spears but it seems like you really just want an ass whooping," Ren said as he cracked his knuckles

"A normal human would be terrified at the sight of a demon, but you seem to be relaxed," The short demon said in an intrigued ton "Making you despair in fear before eating you should be fun"

The short demon's entire body started to glow, as it grew bigger and bigger dwarfing Ren, the once short demon was now ten-foot-tall with bulging muscles, and his limbs covered in a hard shell.

"This should be fun," Ren said with a grin

The demon charged at Ren, approaching him like a tank. Ren stood his ground, taking up a strong and sturdy fighting stance, carrying a smirk on his face, he knew he would enjoy this fight way more than the fight he had with the delinquents in the warehouse.

*CLASH*!

Both Ren and the demon's fist collided against each other creating a small shock wave to be sent throughout the park. The fact that Rens first did not break upon impact, surprised the demon.

"You keep surprising me human"

"Here is another surprise!"

Ren torqued his body putting more power into his fist, which caused the demon to be sent flying a few hundred meters back, before crashing into the grand. The demon slowly stood up in disbelief, that a small human just sent him flying. The demon looked at his hand that collided with Rens, his eyes instantly opened to as wide as they possibly could and his mouth fell slack.

"Th-this is….I-i-impossible! There is no fucking way!!" The demon shouted in anger and confusion

The thick shell that covered the arm of the demon was completely shattered into millions of pieces and on top of that, his arm was broken. "What did you do to my arm, you MONSTER!!"

"Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black" Ren replied with a smirk "That attack right there is called, Fist of the Black Bull"

*spluuurch*!

A long dark red blade stabbed into Ren's stomach, the blade traced back to the tall demon who was supposedly "dead". The gapping hole in the demons chest had completely closed up, as if it was never there.

"You were a fun mortal, but we're demons, we're the superior race" The tall demon grinned

"Your going to have to move faster the that, if you want to hit me" Ren smirked as he stood onto a tall tree, behind both demons

Upon hearing Ren's voice, both demons immediately turned around to look at Ren, with a perplexed and stunned expression on both their faces, they stared with extreme disbelief, unable to figure out what was happening.

"You demons sure do make funny faces" Ren chuckled looking down at the demon's priceless expressions "What you hit, was simply an after image of me"

Both demons turned around to look at the supposed Ren that had been stabbed. The Ren that had been stabbed started to fade away like a mirage before disappearing. The demons looked back up at Ren, still very puzzled.

"Are you even human!?" The short demon asked

Ren placed his left hand under his chin, thinking for an answer for the demon's question "Now that's a great question" Ren replied "I myself don't believe I'm a human but according to science I'm just human".

END
 
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