Another Generous Feedback Thread

S

seahorsepink1

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Apr 22, 2024
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53
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18
Here's the deal. I skim through your story, be as nice as possible with honest feedback and critique, and you sleep at night with miserable thoughts about your writing (maybe).

I also have a great borderwall.
1. I will NOT read SMUT.
2. I will NOT read BL, GL, or GB. NO EXCEPTIONS (unless it hasn't appeared in the story yet).
3. Referencing from Sailus' thread, choose where you want me to review your story on: DM, commenting, thread reply, etc, default is thread reply.
4. BTW, no fan fictions.

This is obvious, but post the link to your webnovel, too.

I'm a kind, encouraging angle. So I'll, by default, be kind. You get to pick how honest I'll be; ranges from kindly honest, or brutally honest. Happy writing! :blob_okay:

P.S. Don't expect me to skim through all ten of your chapters, lol. Additionally, I made this because there aren't many YUGE feedback threads, and I feel bad for other authors' new works getting ignored blatantly.
 
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harrydouthwaite

harrydouthwaite

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May 4, 2023
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29
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This is my historical fiction novel, with the main genre being psychological.

I'm good with the default option of a thread reply. Do I want it straight? Yes... No... Bend it a little?

www.scribblehub.com

Feelings and Fondness

In the mid-2000s, eleven-year-old Robin Brush lives in the commuter belt village of Stanstead Abbotts in Hertfordshire, England. He suffers constantly from being bullied, ridiculed, or misunderstood by almost everyone. Forced to live an isolated life as an outcast, he doesn't even have any...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
 
S

seahorsepink1

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2024
Messages
53
Points
18
Zenomew said:
Here's mine
Click to expand...
I see that you chose a Japanese writing style...you weeb.

1. Your synopsis needs some work. I see that you've added speech in the synopsis, which is fine, but you didn't include quotation marks. Here, I'll do it for ya, since I'm such an angle. (Pun intended)

(Click on the blurred text to view it.)

Arya was the greatest Archmage. She sacrificed her life, along with her friends, to save the world. One day, she reincarnated as a young noble girl.

Except...

"Wait, what the heck are magic circles? I have never seen one before .... Ohhh is this a magic lamp? How did they make it?"

"Eh? What the heck is a dragon rider?"

"I see, magic has greatly advanced in the last thousand years... Well, it doesn't matter. Life is about learning."


2. I decided that the first chapter was enough to skim through. You sure do need work on punctuation like commas and periods. I also recognized grammar issues in your writing, like the misuse of some to be or be verbs/words... or you forget to even include them.
> I recommend using ChatGPT or some better AI to help you with grammatical issues. (Make sure to tell it to keep the dialogue, lol.)

3. This is a minor issue, but your first few paragraphs need to be easy to digest for readers. To me, I felt ick at the sight of the three large lumps of paragraphs in the first chapter.
> The progression is okay.
> Cliches get readers, I guess?
> Can't judge the whole plot ATM, the story is only 6 chapters in.

4. You need to add speaker tags. If you don't, the dialogue will get confusing. The readers will not know who's talking.
Here, I'll help you with a grammar rule.
>A is used before a word that starts with a consonant.
>An is used before a ward that starts with a vowel.

(Also, the historical genre shouldn't be there... just an FYI.)
You need to work on proofreading, otherwise ... overall, it's better than most. 3/5 due to some easily fixable writing errors, 4/5-5/5 if fixed. Happy writing! :blob_okay:
 
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S

seahorsepink1

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2024
Messages
53
Points
18
harrydouthwaite said:
This is my historical fiction novel, with the main genre being psychological.

I'm good with the default option of a thread reply. Do I want it straight? Yes... No... Bend it a little?

www.scribblehub.com

Feelings and Fondness

In the mid-2000s, eleven-year-old Robin Brush lives in the commuter belt village of Stanstead Abbotts in Hertfordshire, England. He suffers constantly from being bullied, ridiculed, or misunderstood by almost everyone. Forced to live an isolated life as an outcast, he doesn't even have any...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
Click to expand...
Wow. That's all I have to say about the writing. Meaningful and impactful story..

1. Beautifully written, but it might not be appealing for weebaboo Scribblehub people due to large lumps of paragraphs. But I personally find that okay and tolerable since you're taking the traditional route.
> I admire the descriptive language. Personally, I hate writing descriptions.
> If you want to be more appealing to people with a low attention span, you can split up the paragraphs more and add more thought speeches or dialogue. (Don't do it, your writing has a good style.

2. No grammar issues, it's actually flawless.

3. Yeah, 5/5. I'll keep an eye on your story. I recommend you turn this into a physical book once you're done, it will seem more professional and meaningful that way. Physical books have an impact.

I have other feedbacks to do, so I'll read your story later.
Zenomew said:
Here's mine, comments please
Click to expand...
My bad, king. I didn't see your edit.
Do you want me to re-post the feedback in the first chap, or is it fine with you?
Nevafrost said:
Here goes mine. You can post the review here.
Click to expand...
1. I've seen no issues with grammar so far. The dialogue isn't confusing, and the writing is professional.
>Minor errors. They won't interrupt the reading experience, though.

2. The synopsis is vague and might not attract readers. When I read the synopsis, I wondered about what the girls are even investigating.
> I recommend you specify or hint at that. If it's a potential spoiler, just tell the readers where they're investigating, at least.

3. Everything else is good, refer back to #1. The storyline isn't my type of thing, so I'd rate it 8/10.
> I see you also used traditional writing for this story, so I won't comment about the large bodies of paragraphs.
> Also, I've noticed that your writing can be seen as boring to some. Maybe you can add some personality to it or whatever to keep people reading.

Overall good, but not really like an enjoyable coaster ride for me.
 
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S

seahorsepink1

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2024
Messages
53
Points
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mme.cube said:
It's so nice of you to offer this for us fellow random internet people, I appreciate your kindness.
I've got a story right here:
Microwave man | Scribble Hub
please go ahead and roast the writing into oblivion.
thanks!
Click to expand...
1. The first thing I saw was a huge lump of paragraph. You should break those paragraphs down into smaller chunks since it's a oneshot story.

2. Also, you had misuses in be or to be verbs/words (was, were, is, are, am ...). Also, you misused semi-colons (easily replaced with en-dashes or em-dashes). I noticed unnecessary phrases and verb repetition were used, too.

3. Inconsistent past tense and present tense and non-sequential or chronological ordering.

> Here, I'll give an example. (Errors and fixes are in bold)
The beige of the kitchen countertops were a background to the destroyed microwave; their neat orderliness impeccable as always. The kitchen countertops carried within them neatness that contrasted the smoke bomb of a microwave. Neatness and chaos, they ostracized one another. So did the microwave and the kitchen countertops. Today, the microwave had been subject to life’s woes. It used to be a lovely machine. That was until today, until a moment ago. It was now only the unfortunate victim of a poor fellow’s attempt at baking chocolate chip cookies. Inside the microwave, two cookies lay in an unknown condition, a top of thin piece of aluminum foil. That was what it was before the microwave was turned on and subsequently destroyed. And now here lies a broken microwave, while the safety of the cookies remains unknown.
Click to expand...

To:
The beige of the kitchen counter tops was a background to the destroyed microwave--their neat orderliness was impeccable as always. The kitchen counter tops carried within them neatness that contrasted the smoke bomb of a microwave. Neatness and chaos, they ostracized one another.

.. So did the microwave and the kitchen counter tops.

Today, the microwave had been subject to life’s woes. It was a lovely machine.

.. That was until a moment ago. It became the unfortunate victim of a poor fellow’s attempt at baking chocolate chip cookies. Inside the microwave, two cookies laid in an unknown condition, a top of a thin piece of aluminum foil. That was what it was before the microwave was turned on .. and subsequently destroyed.

Then, there lie a broken microwave---the safety of the cookies unknown.

(I added some extra periods for dramatic effect. Feel free to see them off.)

4. You need consistent spacing between paragraphs (yes, no matter what, unless you use it as a replacement for asterisks). I saw that you pressed enter twice for some, and once for some.
> I recommend using AI to proofread your writing.

Funny story, BTW.
 
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mme.cube

mme.cube

New member
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Jun 11, 2024
Messages
11
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3
seahorsepink1 said:
1. The first thing I saw was a huge lump of paragraph. You should break those paragraphs down into smaller chunks since it's a oneshot story.

2. Also, you had misuses in be or to be verbs/words (was, were, is, are, am ...). Also, you misused semi-colons (easily replaced with en-dashes or em-dashes). I noticed unnecessary phrases and verb repetition were used, too.

3. Inconsistent past tense and present tense and non-sequential or chronological ordering.

> Here, I'll give an example. (Errors and fixes are in bold)


To:
The beige of the kitchen counter tops was a background to the destroyed microwave--their neat orderliness was impeccable as always. The kitchen counter tops carried within them neatness that contrasted the smoke bomb of a microwave. Neatness and chaos, they ostracized one another.

.. So did the microwave and the kitchen counter tops.

Today, the microwave had been subject to life’s woes. It was a lovely machine.

.. That was until a moment ago. It became the unfortunate victim of a poor fellow’s attempt at baking chocolate chip cookies. Inside the microwave, two cookies laid in an unknown condition, a top of a thin piece of aluminum foil. That was what it was before the microwave was turned on .. and subsequently destroyed.

Then, there lie a broken microwave---the safety of the cookies unknown.

(I added some extra periods for dramatic effect. Feel free to see them off.)

4. You need consistent spacing between paragraphs (yes, no matter what, unless you use it as a replacement for asterisks). I saw that you pressed enter twice for some, and once for some.
> I recommend using AI to proofread your writing.

Funny story, BTW.
Click to expand...
thank you! this is amazing, because now I know what to focus on when improving writing, thanks again
 
Nevafrost

Nevafrost

Hooman bone lover
Joined
Apr 5, 2024
Messages
316
Points
93
seahorsepink1 said:
1. I've seen no issues with grammar so far. The dialogue isn't confusing, and the writing is professional.
>Minor errors. They won't interrupt the reading experience, though.

2. The synopsis is vague and might not attract readers. When I read the synopsis, I wondered about what the girls are even investigating.
> I recommend you specify or hint at that. If it's a potential spoiler, just tell the readers where they're investigating, at least.

3. Everything else is good, refer back to #1. The storyline isn't my type of thing, so I'd rate it 8/10.
> I see you also used traditional writing for this story, so I won't comment about the large bodies of paragraphs.
> Also, I've noticed that your writing can be seen as boring to some. Maybe you can add some personality to it or whatever to keep people reading.

Overall good, but not really like an enjoyable coaster ride for me.
Click to expand...
Oh, thanks for the kind review ☺️
Also, I'll work on the issues you mentioned
 
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