Last door has no philosophy nor comedy, but it does have some(?) emotional characters. It's a simple Fallout fanfic that features an original setting and characters, only borrowing the themes of the IP in the barest sense of """fanfic""". BUT, there's a guaranteed 0% presence of furries and a whole lot of paragraphs dedicated to atmosphere/world-building and dialogue. Average length'd. This is the vanilla option, as most people choose this whenever I give them these options.
Something tore the old world apart. Nobody knows what, when, why, or how. All that's left are dried remnants of the past and the birth of a new, savage, cruel world. Subjek woke up right at the cusp of a turning age for this desolate landscape; two roaring factions vying...
www.scribblehub.com
I didn't realize it was a fanfic... but then Fallout is always about how the player makes his own stories. Anyway... again I have nothing to say about the technical aspect of your writing, so I'm going to only criticize the content. I read up until 3.5.
1. I could only make out the purpose of the story after reading the synopsis it's about Subjek wanting to bury his maker. At the beginning you don't even use names. I think there were a few thousand words before we got the name in 2.4. I was basically reading about some bandaged guy who did this and did that and honestly it also means there is no connection between the reader and the main character.
2. Without that connection, the action felt like empty and meaningless descriptions of what is happening in that world (at least to me).
I'd say that the biggest issue with your writing is that you forget this is a literary medium and not a visual medium. You have good descriptors of everything going on, but the characters you write are difficult to relate too in a literary setting.
This is subjective but here's how I qualify whether I have a connection with Subjek.
A. Do I like Subjek based on what I know so far? - No
B. Do I wish I could be like Subjek? - No
C. Do I think Bandages are cool? - No
D. Is Subjek doing things or behaving in a way I would or I like? - No
D is due to the fact there is little revealing about him. Since he is the main character he has to be doing something. The characters you are writing are being fleshed out and it shows you have an idea of who or what you want to them to be but as a reader I just can't get into it.
3. You start Slice of Life stuff way too early. Slice of life works when they get you interested in the character. Often slice of life is first person perspective because it makes it easier for the reader to relate, or a 3rd person perspective that follows the emotions of the character closely. Chapter 3.5 has too much implication and not enough tell for the reader to see what the Subjek and Sampah who is mentioned first might be thinking about the market and the mundane.
I personally don't like slice of life, but when I enjoy it those elements have to be present.
Other than that, I feel like Kapal is the easiest for me to read out of all three you put up. It's well written even if I'm not the target audience and I don't really have anything I can tell you about big improvements.
Temujin is unceremoniously deported to a fantasy world and now must navigate it in search of their friends, both new and old. Lost interest so dropping for the next
www.scribblehub.com
Theres mine. Its a fantasy story with litrpg elements based off the wandering inn. Has two chapters so far and 18k words.
Again, this is my subjective opinion.
Liked:
Your grammar works for the most part.
Easy to understand who is talking.
Spacing.
Disliked:
Generic Isekai is right.
There is no weight at the beginning when Temujin loses his family or friends by leaving. What's the point of writing about them? It just makes it a bit cheap sounding.
Their home is gone. Their mum, their dad, their entire family and then there were their friends. Emilia, Themis, Salazaar. They'd been inseparable since primary school, and now they were gone. It was only now that Temujin realised that they were more than friends or even best friends. They were their sisters and brother.
I mean, this is basically useless and then having him wail is extremely generic and unemotional because he comes back and is with Emilia on the bus? I mean is this a flashback?
Also, you overuse dialogue when telling the story. Dialogue is fine but using it too much becomes generic. I complain a lot when writers write long and blocky texts with endless descriptions but I'm only saying this because you're going too far in the opposite direction with dialogue that shifts from scene to scene without enough descriptors that can orient the reader to the scene.
As such, It's hard to follow what's going on because you don't spend enough time explaining what is going on. This story is in third person, but even a first person story would require the narrator to say what is being felt in a scene. Although you can imply things, implication of feelings and other ideas need appropriate information to be passed to the reader.
Also.. this is personal but I really do not like LitRPG's. I think they are a curse on good literature because often they make everything based on a power scale rather than tactical or strategic scale like and takes away the realism of combat encounters. That is only my personal opinion.
