Can I have some advice on my synopsis/blurb?

[CrimsonBlob]

Hello people! I'm soon to become a self-published author, and I've been working on my synopsis in order to come up with something decent. I've done a few rewrites in the past weeks, and I'd like to ask for some tips and advice on what I have so far.

Any kind of help will be very welcome. Thank you~

EDIT (9/15): Based on the advice I've gathered so far, I wrote a new synopsis (Thanks to the people who pointed out the flaws in it).

Spoiler: NEW SYNOPSIS

Remnya is a girl with horns and a destructive power sleeping within her. Growing up in an orphanage, she has learned to survive and protect the few friends who don't see her as a freak. However, when a mysterious lady adopts her, Remnya discovers how valuable her kind truly is.

But now she's surrounded by people she can't trust and monsters who will do anything to get a hold of her powers. A war for her is imminent, threatening to take the lives of those she loves.

Remnya won't surrender. She will protect them at all costs, even if that means abandoning her innocence and awakening the crimson monster living inside her.

What's right and what's wrong when your family is on the line?

This is my old one:

Spoiler: Old synopsis

Remnya is an orphan girl with horns and a destructive power sleeping within her. Oblivious of it, she spends her days protecting her friends at the orphanage. However, when a mysterious lady adopts her, Remnya discovers how valuable her kind truly is.

But now she's surrounded by people she can't trust, and monsters who will do anything to get a hold of her powers. Her friends are at risk, along with thousands of innocent lives.

Remnya won't surrender. She will protect them at all costs, even if that means abandoning her own innocence and awakening the crimson monster living inside her.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Remnya is a girl with horns and a destructive power sleeping within her. Growing up in an orphanage, she has to learn to survive through years of abuse and vows to protect the only two friends who don't see her as a monster. However, when a mysterious lady adopts her, Remnya discovers how valuable her kind truly is.

Catapulted into a new world, she soon understands the truth behind her adoption. Dangerous people have their eyes on her, and they're willing to do anything to get a hold of her powers. From now on, the two organizations, who rule the world, will also dictate her destiny, threatening the lives of those she loves.

Alone, Remnya has no choice but to awaken the Crimson Monster living inside her, even if that means abandoning her own innocence and burning the whole world that destroyed her childish dreams.

What's right and what's wrong when you must protect your only family?

Apart from the two tense issues I saw, uh seems fine to me. No expert or anything. Maybe someone else can do a better job at fixing it.

 

[Kitsura]

Whiles it’s good to start with the main character it’s too wordy in the beginning your should focus on identifying the conflict and previewing the plot rather than spending time talking about her “friends at the orphanage”

 

[SailusGebel]

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Post your story's synopsis here if you want feedback on it from others. Can be a synopsis of a story idea you have in mind, or a synopsis of a story you already have published on ScribbleHub. This is to help many of us who wish to improve our synopsis in terms of grammar, making it flow...

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[Biggest-Kusa-Out-There]

You are instantly telling me who to root for. You're demonizing the antagonists before I even know what/who they are. What do these groups want? World peace? End world hunger? Is this fantasy or sci fi? Where and when is the story set? How has nobody captured a being with horns and put her under the microscope? Is this Earth?

Your blurb tells me very little that would tempt me to buy your fiction.

 

[BlackKnightX]

Hello people! I'm soon to become a self-published author, and I've been working on my synopsis in order to come up with something decent. I've done a few rewrites in the past weeks, and I'd like to ask for some tips and advice on what I have so far.

Any kind of help will be very welcome. Thank you~

Here's what I have so far:

Spoiler: My synopsis

Remnya is a girl with horns and a destructive power sleeping within her. Growing up in an orphanage, she has learned to survive through years of abuse and vowed to protect the only two friends who don't see her as a monster. However, when a mysterious lady adopts her, Remnya discovers how valuable her kind truly is.

Catapulted into a new world, she soon understands the truth behind her adoption. Dangerous people have their eyes on her, and they're willing to do anything to get a hold of her powers. From now on, the two organizations, who rule the world, will also dictate her destiny, threatening the lives of those she loves.

Alone, Remnya has no choice but to awaken the Crimson Monster living inside her, even if that means abandoning her own innocence and burning the whole world that destroyed her childish dreams.

What's right and what's wrong when you must protect your only family?

This is my old one:

Spoiler: Old synopsis

Remnya is an orphan girl with horns and a destructive power sleeping within her. Oblivious of it, she spends her days protecting her friends at the orphanage. However, when a mysterious lady adopts her, Remnya discovers how valuable her kind truly is.

But now she's surrounded by people she can't trust, and monsters who will do anything to get a hold of her powers. Her friends are at risk, along with thousands of innocent lives.

Remnya won't surrender. She will protect them at all costs, even if that means abandoning her own innocence and awakening the crimson monster living inside her.

I’m not a professional writer and this is just my point of view as a reader. Just keep it short, simple, concise, get to the point, and grab attention right away. Don’t meander too much.

I don’t know if this is just me, but when I find some series that has too long of a synopsis and doesn’t get to the point right away, I‘d just lose interest.

 

[CrimsonBlob]

Apart from the two tense issues I saw, uh seems fine to me. No expert or anything. Maybe someone else can do a better job at fixing it.

Thank you~

I was going for that kind of tense, but actually, yours sound better in my head now.

Whiles it’s good to start with the main character it’s too wordy in the beginning your should focus on identifying the conflict and previewing the plot rather than spending time talking about her “friends at the orphanage”

Do you think my old synopsis would work better? It's a lot more concise but Idk, it feels like it lacks something to me x.x

You are instantly telling me who to root for. You're demonizing the antagonists before I even know what/who they are. What do these groups want? World peace? End world hunger? Is this fantasy or sci fi? Where and when is the story set? How has nobody captured a being with horns and put her under the microscope? Is this Earth?

Your blurb tells me very little that would tempt me to buy your fiction.

You bring up some good points, but describing all that would make it even wordier (whereas others tell me to keep it short).

I'll keep working on it, thanks.

I’m not a professional writer and this is just my point of view as a reader. Just keep it short, simple, concise, get to the point, and grab attention right away. Don’t meander too much.

I don’t know if this is just me, but when I find some series that has too long of a synopsis and doesn’t get to the point right away, I‘d just lose interest.

Yeah, I might have ended up getting wordier by listening to advice from other people who kept telling me to expand x.x

Do you think my old synopsis is closer to what you mean? It's a lot shorter and straight to the point.

Nonetheless, thank you~

 

[CupcakeNinja]

Hello people! I'm soon to become a self-published author, and I've been working on my synopsis in order to come up with something decent. I've done a few rewrites in the past weeks, and I'd like to ask for some tips and advice on what I have so far.

Any kind of help will be very welcome. Thank you~

Here's what I have so far:

Spoiler: My synopsis

Remnya is a girl with horns and a destructive power sleeping within her. Growing up in an orphanage, she has learned to survive through years of abuse and vowed to protect the only two friends who don't see her as a monster. However, when a mysterious lady adopts her, Remnya discovers how valuable her kind truly is.

Catapulted into a new world, she soon understands the truth behind her adoption. Dangerous people have their eyes on her, and they're willing to do anything to get a hold of her powers. From now on, the two organizations, who rule the world, will also dictate her destiny, threatening the lives of those she loves.

Alone, Remnya has no choice but to awaken the Crimson Monster living inside her, even if that means abandoning her own innocence and burning the whole world that destroyed her childish dreams.

What's right and what's wrong when you must protect your only family?

This is my old one:

Spoiler: Old synopsis

Remnya is an orphan girl with horns and a destructive power sleeping within her. Oblivious of it, she spends her days protecting her friends at the orphanage. However, when a mysterious lady adopts her, Remnya discovers how valuable her kind truly is.

But now she's surrounded by people she can't trust, and monsters who will do anything to get a hold of her powers. Her friends are at risk, along with thousands of innocent lives.

Remnya won't surrender. She will protect them at all costs, even if that means abandoning her own innocence and awakening the crimson monster living inside her.

Just say, "join a very horny girl, Remnya, as she fights against persecution and vile machinations! Also, she has to protect her friends."

People want short and simple? Do exactly that.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Thank you~

I was going for that kind of tense, but actually, yours sound better in my head now.

Btw, from what I learned before, is that everyone does synopsis differently. But the thing that works for me is being short and to the point. Like, tell them where it starts, and where it is going.

For that imo the second one does a pretty good job.

Remnya is an orphan girl with horns and a destructive power sleeping within her. When a mysterious lady adopts her, the girl discovers how valuable her kind truly is.

But now she's surrounded by people she can't trust, and monsters who will do anything to get a hold of her powers. Her friends are at risk, along with thousands of innocent lives.

Will she and her precious friends survive in this world? Or will they succumb to the will of others?

This is just an opinion, though.

 

[CrimsonBlob]

Just say, "join a very horny girl, Remnya, as she fights against persecution and vile machinations! Also, she has to protect her friends."

People want short and simple? Do exactly that.

That sounds like an award-winning story for Scribblehub

I might just age her up, use a thottie anime girl as cover, and add the SMUT tag. Win-Win

Btw, from what I learned before, is that everyone does synopsis differently. But the thing that works for me is being short and to the point. Like, tell them where it starts, and where it is going.

For that imo the second one does a pretty good job.

Remnya is an orphan girl with horns and a destructive power sleeping within her. When a mysterious lady adopts her, the girl discovers how valuable her kind truly is.

But now she's surrounded by people she can't trust, and monsters who will do anything to get a hold of her powers. Her friends are at risk, along with thousands of innocent lives.

Will she and her precious friends survive in this world? Or will they succumb to the will of others?

This is just an opinion, though.

Yeah, you got a point. I guess I was just following the advice of other people who told me to do exactly the opposite xD

But I believe being concise is the most important here. Thanks

 

[BlackKnightX]

Yeah, I might have ended up getting wordier by listening to advice from other people who kept telling me to expand x.x

Do you think my old synopsis is closer to what you mean? It's a lot shorter and straight to the point.

Nonetheless, thank you~

Do you know the thing called log line or concept? Put it simply, it’s your whole story summarized into one sentence. It’s what your story is all about, the selling point.

So a good synopsis in my opinion is to convey the log line to the reader. You can expand a little bit more as to hint of what to come in your story, but don’t make it long.

Just enough to grab the reader attention and open the room of curiosity.

———

Edit; I just read your synopsis. It’s good. It conveys all the selling point and make me want to know more. I think there’s no problem, reassure.

 

[CrimsonBlob]

Do you know the thing called log line or concept? Put it simply, it’s your whole story summarized into one sentence. It’s what your story is all about, the selling point.

So a good synopsis in my opinion is to convey the log line to the reader. You can expand a little bit more as to hint of what to come in your story, but don’t make it long.

Just enough to grab the reader attention and open the room of curiosity.

———

Edit; I just read your synopsis. It’s good. It conveys all the selling point and make me want to know more. I think there’s no problem, reassure.

Thank you for the clarification. I believe I'll focus on the old one and try to improve it. I appreciate your help~

 

[CupcakeNinja]

That sounds like an award-winning story for Scribblehub

I might just age her up, use a thottie anime girl as cover, and add the SMUT tag. Win-Win

Yeah, you got a point. I guess I was just following the advice of other people who told me to do exactly the opposite xD

But I believe being concise is the most important here. Thanks

Sounds like a recipe for success, my friend

 

[K5Rakitan]

The question at the end of the first one is good. Questions entice the reader.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Tbh i feel the old one's mixed with @KoyukiMegumi's sound better. The old one has better transition into the second paragraph than the new one. Feels more connected and more concise. The new one did a lot better with the hook questions at the end though.

Growing up in an orphanage, she learned to survive and protect the few friends who didn't see her as a monster.

The sentence kinda feels weird. Maybe because its mixing past and present tense.

Spoiler: Combined SYNOPSIS

Remnya is an orphan with horns and a destructive power sleeping within her. Oblivious to what she's capable of, she spends her days protecting her friends at the orphanage. However, when a mysterious lady adopts her, Remnya discovers how valuable her kind truly is.

But now she's surrounded by people she can't trust, and monsters who will do anything to get a hold of her powers. Her friends are at risk, along with thousands of innocent lives.

Remnya won't surrender. She will protect them at all costs, even if that means abandoning her innocence and awakening the crimson monster living inside her.

What's right and what's wrong when your family is on the line?

You could lop the word girl off after orphan; the following sentences will tell the reader what her gender. Aside from that, first sentences feels bit off. Your synopsis sounds decent good like what the others have said.

 

[CrimsonBlob]

Tbh i feel the old one's mixed with @KoyukiMegumi's sound better. The old one has better transition into the second paragraph than the new one. Feels more connected and more concise. The new one did a lot better with the hook questions at the end though.


The sentence kinda feels weird. Maybe because its mixing past and present tense.


You could lop the word girl off after orphan; the following sentences will tell the reader what her gender. Aside from that, first sentences feels bit off. Your synopsis sounds decent good like what the others have said.

Thank you~ In fact, I made a mistake writing that first sentence. However, do you still think the old synopsis is more interesting overall? Even without mentioning the upcoming war?

Again, I appreciate your help.

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Thank you~ In fact, I made a mistake writing that first sentence. However, do you still think the old synopsis is more interesting overall? Even without mentioning the upcoming war?

Again, I appreciate your help.

New one you updated mentions the war briefly which is important to plot so i think its good.