Could someone please give their thoughts on my writing style?

[Luxican]

Hello!
I'm new to SH, a new and rather inexperienced writer at that.
I've seen someone else write a post like this before, so I thought why not try it myself (I'm sorry I'm such a copycat...). I've never gotten any kind of constructive criticism to my writing, so I would be very glad if someone could point out any issues. (It could even be 'Your writing sucks!' as long as a reason is stated lol)
My native language also isn't English, so I'm extremely insecure about my writing...
Following is an excerpt of my novel's first chapter.



'Januar could feel tears welling up in his eyes.

They were right. They were all right.

He swallowed his sob, but it remained in his throat like a lump, making it difficult for him to breathe. His heart was hurting as he tried in vain to hide his card.

"And Jan? What is it? Let me see your card. We are all so excited to see how new and special the next Stolz Card will be!" With these words Leopold, a good friend of Frederic, grabbed Januar's card from his hand.

Januar could feel a cold shiver running down his back when the card was snatched from him. He felt hot and cold intermittently and had to swallow hard before hesitantly turning to his classmates.

"What? The Frog Prince? Pfff, what are you? A princess? Or the frog?" Leopold cackled with laughter and could not calm down, the other students joined in.

"Does that mean that when he kisses someone, he becomes pretty? Ewww, that's disgusting!" Sophie and her gang continued to pick on him, giggling.

Januar could no longer suppress his blush of shame, his cheeks began to burn again, his gaze dropped to his black sneakers while he tried to hide his face with his hands.

"Whoa, look! There are also intestines and severed legs on the back! What a psycho you are, Jan, hahaha!"

This comment caused another disturbance in the class. One after the other they made fun of him or called him names. He was really a frog, he was so fat, even if he found a princess in need, he would never be able to get the golden ball up, was that what he thought about in his dark little room? About organs and severed legs? He was just a pervert.

Januar felt a sour sensation in his nose, he was about to burst into tears. He looked to Professor Sotra for help, but the latter deliberately ignored him. Januar felt his heart tighten.

Slowly, one cool tear after another dripped down his burning cheeks until it fell on his belly, leaving a wet stain on his shirt.

"Now he is crying, haha. Is he really the princess? But I doubt that such a princess will find someone to kiss, even if it is only a frog. More loud laughter from his classmates.

Suddenly a bright light shone in the classroom and everything fell silent.

"What was that?"

"A "Realm"!"

"Fred got sucked into the "Realm" of his card!"

"Silence!" Professor Sotra put a quick end to the loud shouts of his students. He inspected the place where Frederic had been standing a short time ago: "Mr. Raster, please move all chairs and tables aside. Miss Greta, would you mind telling us what Frederic's card looks like? But don't forget to follow the proper safety instructions."

Leopold and Sophie stepped out of the circle formed by the students and quickly carried out what their professor had assigned them to do.

Leopold had a broad grin on his face, his best friend was sucked into the "Realm" of his card almost at the same moment of his transcription! That was really unbelievable, not even the Stolz had managed to do so! He had quickly put everything aside, after all, he didn't want his friend to get hurt when he returned.

Sophie was equally excited. Frederic and her had been eyeing each other for a long time. How great would it be if they both got together? The exceptional genius, Frederic Eifer, and she, Sophie Greta, the most beautiful girl in her year, truly a dream couple. It also so happened that Sophie herself didn't have such bad grades, if she was lucky she could also rise to the Elite!'


Thank you in advance!!

 

[Sebas_Guzman]

I thought this was pretty high energy, writing. In terms of a style, I didn't spot anything that stood out to me as "bad."
The bullying was pretty well written. With how fast the writing moves, it definitely made it feel overwhelming which was good.
There was only one minor issue. This line is an example:
"A "Realm"!"
This is just english convention, I believe. The line should be:
"A 'Realm'!"
Use single quotes within dialogue if you're writing american english

 

[Luxican]

I thought this was pretty high energy, writing. In terms of a style, I didn't spot anything that stood out to me as "bad."
The bullying was pretty well written. With how fast the writing moves, it definitely made it feel overwhelming which was good.
There was only one minor issue. This line is an example:
"A "Realm"!"
This is just english convention, I believe. The line should be:
"A 'Realm'!"
Use single quotes within dialogue if you're writing american english

Thank you!
I'll keep that in mind!!

 

[Luxican]

Professor Sotra was very calm, even when a studant clearly vanishes in a brigth ligth inside the classromm...
And also the classmates when they realized someone got sucked into a card world, they got friggin excited!
Who in the world would get excited for entering a world inside a card, thats bound to become a disaster

Your comment made me really smile.
That's the first reaction I've got on my story, lol.

 

[K5Rakitan]

There is a lot of passive language in here. Here's a little guide that may help:

4 Ways to Remove Passive Voice from Your Paper

First of all, what is passive voice, and what's so bad about it? When a sentence is written with passive voice, it contains words like "were" "are" "is" "had" or "will be." A sentence writte

www.nailthatpaper.com

That guide doesn't mention this one, but be careful how you use could as well:
"Januar could feel a cold shiver running down his back"
Here, the could calls into question whether he actually felt it or not.

Keep up the great work <3

 

[UYScuti]

On top of what @K5Rakitan said about passive voice, you should remove telling words.

Ex:
Januar could feel a cold shiver running down his back when the card was snatched from him.

By restructuring, removing the telling word, and adding who or what is performing the action, you can turn this into an active sentence that shows instead of tells.

A cold shiver ran down Januar’s back when Frederic snatched his card.

 

[MasterHiatus]

I think this is better than my first chapter in writing my fanfics

 

[gaylolis]

pretty fine so far, but as with most excerpts, i don't really understand the overall context.

when the names and terms are mentioned i was like, huh?

 

[Luxican]

There is a lot of passive language in here. Here's a little guide that may help:

4 Ways to Remove Passive Voice from Your Paper

First of all, what is passive voice, and what's so bad about it? When a sentence is written with passive voice, it contains words like "were" "are" "is" "had" or "will be." A sentence writte

www.nailthatpaper.com

That guide doesn't mention this one, but be careful how you use could as well:
"Januar could feel a cold shiver running down his back"
Here, the could calls into question whether he actually felt it or not.

Keep up the great work <3

Thank you! Your advice made me realize that I have been using 'could' more as the past form of 'can', I'll look out for that

 

[Luxican]

On top of what @K5Rakitan said about passive voice, you should remove telling words.

Ex:
Januar could feel a cold shiver running down his back when the card was snatched from him.

By restructuring, removing the telling word, and adding who or what is performing the action, you can turn this into an active sentence that shows instead of tells.

A cold shiver ran down Januar’s back when Frederic snatched his card.

Thank you! I never realized how bad it actually was lol. I'll try my best to keep my sentences active!

 

[UYScuti]

Thank you! I never realized how bad it actually was lol. I'll try my best to keep my sentences active!

I wouldn’t take it that way. I’m not calling you a bad writer. Even professionals strive to improve their writing. We’re all amateurs. We’re all working to get better. English isn’t your native language, yet I had no problem understanding what you wrote. So keep writing and keep posting.