First Chapter Analysis

[WinterTimeCrime]

Please and thank you.

Space Patroller Miya (Original English Light Novel)

In a universe where some civilizations thrive and others struggle to survive, a hunger for power and dominance has long driven the Manskligs, or humans. But when their reckless pursuit of progress leads to their inevitable downfall, their xenogenic neighbors learn a valuable but misapprehended...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[When_the_season_changes]

Can you do mine? thanksss

How to raise a Demon lord?

A Great Hero who was about to defeat the demon king dies when his clumsy ally mage accidentally casts a large area spell out of nervousness which in turn, killed both the Demon Lord and the Hero. However, just when he thought he had died, he finds himself residing in...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Story_Marc]

I'll be doing two of these tomorrow since I should have some free time away from my various projects.

 

[Story_Marc]

Hi There,
I just went through a Major rework of my first novel, would love to hear your thoughts :)

Conquering Time and Space

“My life on earth was just a Pre-Birth Simulation?!” 'The Prince Who Conquered Time' follows the journey of a savant young prince who finds himself trapped in a futuristic sci-fi world full of cultivators. Facing higher powers unbeknownst to most, he is forced down a path of accelerated...

www.scribblehub.com

*Synopsis*

“My life on earth was just a Pre-Birth Simulation?!”

"The Prince Who Conquered Time" follows the journey of a savant young prince who finds himself trapped in a futuristic sci-fi world full of cultivators. Facing higher powers unbeknownst to most, he is forced to claw his way up to supremacy amidst ancient beings, divine beasts and androids.

Besides his photographic memory, his only hopes are the talents stemming from his intriguing lineage and his maniacal obsession for power. Prince Chronos Astral must supersede his astounding potential and rise to power to protect the warmth of a family that he had never experienced.

With it’s larger-than-life characters and genre-defying twists, this story pays homage to the transmigration and cultivation fiction novels millions have fallen in love with.

I'd pass on this one too. There's three reasons why.

First, I found the pacing slow and boring early on. Starting out living his life, doing his practice stuff could be fine, but it just keeps going and going and I don't see why I should care. I kept wondering what the hook is.

Then, once it got further, it went from boring to juvenile. The dialogue is all very on the nose (like saying "filial piety" aloud like that and the voices feel childish.

The final reason comes down to prose, which is very tell-centric. Everything is more distant, with it being more of a narrator overseeing things as opposed to getting immersed in the experience.

To give a basic introduction to the concept, narrative distance, or psychic distance, refers to the distance between the reader and the story's events. In literature, the level of psychic distance can be used as a tool to guide the reader through different points of view and to control the level of engagement with the story. The level of psychic distance can be increased or decreased by providing more or fewer details, bringing the reader closer or farther from the story's events. At the highest level of psychic distance, the reader is presented with broad details and settings, while at the lowest level, the reader is brought into the character's state of mind and point of view. It's important to manage shifts in psychic distance carefully, as jumping into close detail from a broad psychic distance may be jarring for the reader and can ruin the desired effect in the narrative. It's best to transition between levels one at a time for a smooth and gradual process.


If I broke them down, it would be...

Level 1: Omniscient

The narrator is remote and objective, providing information and context but not delving into the thoughts and feelings of characters.

Level 2: Impression

The narrator begins to provide some particular details about a character or group, giving a sense of their emotions or personality.

Level 3: Reported

The narrator's voice evokes the experience of a specific character, providing direct quotes and showing their perspective.

Level 4: Immersive

The narrator's voice is colored by the character's vocabulary and point-of-view, providing a deeper understanding of their thoughts and feelings through free indirect style.

Level 5: Stream of Consciousness

The narrator provides a tight, subjective view of the character's thoughts and sensory information through stream of consciousness.

Your work tends to read on Level 1 and Level 2, which can be boring when stayed around for too long. It's not the best for emotional engagement or intensity.

As for techniques to avoid that, read stuff I've mentioned in this thread before on how to tell. You can also research it a bit. If you don't want to wait until I finish this big-ass beginner's guide I was working on last year that... well, I stopped working on because I had a lot going on. I've split it into two parts now, one for prose and one for content skills.

Anyway, if you'd like some more details and help or whatever, feel free to ask questions. I can elaborate more if needed.

thank you for doing this! Can you give my story a shot?

(DIS)GRACE – A Progression Adventure

Embark on an epic adventure with a fearless fourteen-year-old boy and his loyal best friend as they traverse the world, battling evil at every turn in pursuit of their wildest dreams. From unknown dangers lurking in the shadows to formidable foes that threaten to derail their journey, nothing...

www.scribblehub.com

Pass, because this is an exposition dump, not a story, to open things.

Skill with exposition requires making the exposition invisible. To accomplish this, you must dramatize exposition. With dramatized exposition, conveying information is the second most important detail; the immediate concern is advancing the story’s conflict. To do this, convert exposition into ammunition. Have characters weaponize information, turning info into a means of attack or defense. Also, don’t feel the need to give everything upfront. The audience’s interest isn’t held by providing information, but by withholding information, except that necessary to understand what’s happening. Reveal only the exposition that the audience absolutely needs and wants to know and no more.


And if the argument is, "You need to know all this specific stuff before I can enjoy the story," then you aren't weaving an actual story. Many stories start without us knowing tons of their full history.

 

[Story_Marc]

Okay, time for me to do some of these again! Starting with one I somehow missed.

Hi, I would love to have your feedback on my story. Only 3 chapters are up so far :)

Welcome to nowhere

Just remember, good boys and girls, if an obnoxious animal comes and tells you that you are meant for greater things in life, it is most probably lying out of its teeth. Don’t get scammed, don’t let it drag you around all willy-nilly, and most importantly don’t...

www.scribblehub.com

Thumbs up! I enjoyed this one! The narrator's voice is very nice and it made me laugh! You've got a good, colorful omniscient approach going, so you're working things quite well. Honestly, when it comes to handling this stuff well online, you're who I want to point to. I might use it for a brief example in the future if you're okay with being featured in one of my videos.

Oh and with the content, I do like the introduction to Willow, the whole desire for a bit more. Oh and the way the chapter ends, love it! Absolutely love that line at the end! Plus just everything with the mysterious cat. This one hooked me!

Wow you're still at this. Good on you.

I am here and there.

Please and thank you.

Space Patroller Miya (Original English Light Novel)

In a universe where some civilizations thrive and others struggle to survive, a hunger for power and dominance has long driven the Manskligs, or humans. But when their reckless pursuit of progress leads to their inevitable downfall, their xenogenic neighbors learn a valuable but misapprehended...

www.scribblehub.com

You're another yes, though I can see little things prose-wise you can clean up. For example...

---

“Yes sir, the children are making excellent progress and are acclimating to their new genetic enhancements,” Yamada said, seemingly to no one.

---

It would be better if you included Yamada said after the yes sir. The sooner you identify the speaker, the better.

Normally I might comment on the whole "telling" nature of the text, but your narration voice helps make things colorful in a way that works. It's quite enjoyable to read and it flowed well enough for me, so yeah. And I liked the opening that just introduced the situation to me while showcasing Yamada reacting to this

I DO think you could improve if you went deeper, so I'll supply you with this guide I made, a guide I've long promised people in this thread. Still, you're doing fine IMO, and while you can refine it, it isn't bad or painful for me to read or anything.

 

[Jet]

Oh, the pro analyses are still on! Nice. I subscribed when you just made the thread, but can't get around to watching and reading everything you've put on so far. (I did watch some).

Anyway, could you try my story The power of blood: Vampire | Scribble Hub ? I was afraid to ask, becoz it was posted a while ago. Trinary had a look at it then, too. But I swear, it's not a dead story. Even if I'm not sure whether I'm going to update it here or not anymore. I actually finished the first volume last year and I've been stuck in the eternal editing loop ever since (8months or so). This is the first out of 12chapters divided into 4parts. And I do hope to eventually reach out to the publishers. It would be awesome if you read the entire chapter, but I know that you probably won't. I just hope you'd give your opinion on whatever part you read, I guess .

 

[Narcissistic_loser]

Can u do mine? I've been polishing my Ch1 time to time and I definitely need your on analysis on things. Trinary already addressed some of it, so I fixed it a little. It's a reincarnation story abt a normal boring man isekaid yeah that's abt it it's mostly just me fulfilling the things that I've read on Isekai that were not there and just purely to satisfy myself while having others also join my world of imagination. (Focused mostly on 3rd Pov since I got too used to chinese novels)
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/682333/reincarnated-as-the-archmages-son/

 

[Story_Marc]

Oh, the pro analyses are still on! Nice. I subscribed when you just made the thread, but can't get around to watching and reading everything you've put on so far. (I did watch some).

Anyway, could you try my story The power of blood: Vampire | Scribble Hub ? I was afraid to ask, becoz it was posted a while ago. Trinary had a look at it then, too. But I swear, it's not a dead story. Even if I'm not sure whether I'm going to update it here or not anymore. I actually finished the first volume last year and I've been stuck in the eternal editing loop ever since (8months or so). This is the first out of 12chapters divided into 4parts. And I do hope to eventually reach out to the publishers. It would be awesome if you read the entire chapter, but I know that you probably won't. I just hope you'd give your opinion on whatever part you read, I guess .

It's cool, not like my stuff is going anywhere any time soon. I hope the stuff can help.

Now, let's get into the nitty-gritty of your work, as I had to put a bit more effort into this than I normally do when putting my finger on the issue. I would say no to this one, but I had to think about why. I like what I see you're trying to do, especially with having a clear character voice and tone you're going for, but it doesn't click with me. I realized you're making the same mistake I did early on in my writing: it's inauthentic.

Focusing on the prose itself first, this story is difficult to read. You structure a lot of sentences awkwardly. For instance...

"Stale air circulating in a crushing manner consequently."

This is incomplete and I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to convey. Or...

"Several entangled shadows burgeoning forth from it, swelling, slithering, multiplying and finally dispersing in the tenebrous reaches opposite me."

This sentence is overly descriptive and uses too many adjectives and adverbs, making it feel clunky and difficult to read. A good example of how this could easily be cleaned up...

Several entangled shadows burgeoned forth -- swelling, slithering, multiplying, and dispersing -- in the dark reaches opposite me.

Speaking of, another reason it's difficult to read is your word choice. You use ten-dollar words a lot. To quote a little something on that...

A ten-dollar word is one that most people won’t understand and that is used as an attempt to make the writer sound more intelligent, more cultured, more “literary,” etc. In reality, sentences littered with ten-dollar words usually make our writing stiff and pretentious. If the reader is reaching for a dictionary, they’re not sucked into the fictional dream of our world.

The following example is breaking under the strain of the ten-dollar words. You won’t always find them clumped together like this. Any of the three offenders in this sentence would qualify the writing as purple prose.

The mellifluence of her tones triggered deglutition in his esophagus.

Before we use a big, fancy word, we need to ask ourselves why we’re using it. Are we using it because it fits the character? Are we using it because it’s the best word for the job? Or are we using it because we’re trying to impress someone or sound literary? Are we using it because we think fancy words are what it takes to write well? If you find yourself using ten dollar words, see if there’s a simpler word that will convey your meaning just as well.

Also, vary your sentence structure. Definitely make some shorter. A lot of this can be summed up as trying too hard to be literary.

There's probably more I could think of with this, but those are what immediately jump out to me and best addressed first.

 

[Jet]

@Story_Marc Hey, thanks for your prompt response! It's actually worrying for me that you found my text inauthentic. Trinary didn't like it all that much either, but he did specifically imply that it seemed authentic, at least. I've obviously edited since then. Wonder, if I lost some of that, sigh.

This was written to appear a diary of a pampered youngster of noble birth who was born circa the 1670s. I even tried to make it seem as if it was originally written in the 1600s lol. This is a rewrite, so I gave myself a leeway to make it, so it could be written as recently as in the early 19th century or edited in the XXth century even. The point being that, inspired by Polidori, Shelly, Stoker, etc, I was hoping to convey that feel. I mean, if you read different classics, they are always verbose and use hard lingo, too. Take Washington's Farewell speech, for example xD. I anticipated that some of my sentences would have to be reread to be completely understood, but it also didn't seem that big of a deal, considering how you can get the definition of anything with a single click these days.

Adverbs are definitely an issue as I try to embellish the text a lot. But I'm so hung on straight on expletives like through, after all, and such that I never even have time to address the adverbs much^^. I also tried splicing up sentences at a point but did not like the end result... Many of my sentences are incomplete and I battle with that using commas and adding verbs :D. The most glaring conundrum for me is the overwhelming amount of gerund verbs at that. I try to convey the continuous effect without actually going with the tense because it just won't sound right. I'm still uncertain if that's ok to do, too. I'm aware that starting many sentences with a gerund is considered poor in style.

As for the example, I have to admit that I often add things just for the sake of the flow. And not the flow in general, but the flowing of one sentence into the other.

"A once over sufficed to conclude that the cabin was well built and maintained. Could have been erected recently, actually. The floorboards were sturdy enough to not creak at all. If there was a window, it was shut so tight that I found it impossible to locate. Stale air circulating in a crushing manner consequently." I wanted to convey here that the structure was sturdy and had remained shut tight from the outside world. That's why the air was stale and it's of little wonder that the protag found it crushing and stifling, considering their ongoing emotional breakdown and the fact that it was fresh and raining outside. I just thought it a nice touch. I'm surprised that it's hard to understand here. It's like I fail to express the simplest of things.

 

[Story_Marc]

@Story_Marc Hey, thanks for your prompt response! It's actually worrying for me that you found my text inauthentic. Trinary didn't like it all that much either, but he did specifically imply that it seemed authentic, at least. I've obviously edited since then. Wonder, if I lost some of that, sigh.

This was written to appear a diary of a pampered youngster of noble birth who was born circa the 1670s. I even tried to make it seem as if it was originally written in the 1600s lol. This is a rewrite, so I gave myself a leeway to make it, so it could be written as recently as in the early 19th century or edited in the XXth century even. The point being that, inspired by Polidori, Shelly, Stoker, etc, I was hoping to convey that feel. I mean, if you read different classics, they are always verbose and use hard lingo, too. Take Washington's Farewell speech, for example xD. I anticipated that some of my sentences would have to be reread to be completely understood, but it also didn't seem that big of a deal, considering how you can get the definition of anything with a single click these days.

Adverbs are definitely an issue as I try to embellish the text a lot. But I'm so hung on straight on expletives like through, after all, and such that I never even have time to address the adverbs much^^. I also tried splicing up sentences at a point but did not like the end result... Many of my sentences are incomplete and I battle with that using commas and adding verbs :D. The most glaring conundrum for me is the overwhelming amount of gerund verbs at that. I try to convey the continuous effect without actually going with the tense because it just won't sound right. I'm still uncertain if that's ok to do, too. I'm aware that starting many sentences with a gerund is considered poor in style.

As for the example, I have to admit that I often add things just for the sake of the flow. And not the flow in general, but the flowing of one sentence into the other.

"A once over sufficed to conclude that the cabin was well built and maintained. Could have been erected recently, actually. The floorboards were sturdy enough to not creak at all. If there was a window, it was shut so tight that I found it impossible to locate. Stale air circulating in a crushing manner consequently." I wanted to convey here that the structure was sturdy and had remained shut tight from the outside world. That's why the air was stale and it's of little wonder that the protag found it crushing and stifling, considering their ongoing emotional breakdown and the fact that it was fresh and raining outside. I just thought it a nice touch. I'm surprised that it's hard to understand here. It's like I fail to express the simplest of things.

You're trying too hard. Again, you're trying to be literary. Also, good example of why it doesn't work (while going into actual specifics instead of just saying its good or bad) is your inconsistent language and phrasing. You mix modern and outdated language. For example, "once over sufficed" and "might be that it was just ornamented" are out of place.

I've done this exact issue before when I tried to mimic the writing from Assassin's Creed Forsaken, which uses this style, but in a way that's beautifully done, easy to read, and immersive.

Anyway, it's obvious what it's written to be like, hence my commentary. It doesn't work though. I don't recommend the path of being verbose and difficult to read. For example, just because somebody can look up something doesn't mean they should.

I once made this post, I recommend reading it, with emphasis on the transaction part.

I'll bring the quote up as well. In fact, I used it in my latest episode, since this quote has stuck with me.

Artists have two responsibilities. The first is to express themselves. The second is to communicate. If artists don’t communicate, they have either been unsuccessful in their attempt or they are being self-indulgent by not trying, unless one of those rare moments occurs when a magical poetic statement happens for oneself alone.— Audrey Flack, ART & SOUL

Answer this question, from the perspective of reading being a transaction: why should they have to look stuff up? Why should the reader put in the effort for you when they can just drop your work and go read something else? Why should traditional publishing take the gamble on you if your work is designed exclusively for a small niche which, honestly, you aren't authentically serving?

Here are the 5 Cs I recommend focusing on for strong prose, in this order: clarity, continuity, cohesion, cohesion, and finally cadence.

 

[LilRora]

@Story_Marc Hey, thanks for your prompt response! It's actually worrying for me that you found my text inauthentic. Trinary didn't like it all that much either, but he did specifically imply that it seemed authentic, at least. I've obviously edited since then. Wonder, if I lost some of that, sigh.

This was written to appear a diary of a pampered youngster of noble birth who was born circa the 1670s. I even tried to make it seem as if it was originally written in the 1600s lol. This is a rewrite, so I gave myself a leeway to make it, so it could be written as recently as in the early 19th century or edited in the XXth century even. The point being that, inspired by Polidori, Shelly, Stoker, etc, I was hoping to convey that feel. I mean, if you read different classics, they are always verbose and use hard lingo, too. Take Washington's Farewell speech, for example xD. I anticipated that some of my sentences would have to be reread to be completely understood, but it also didn't seem that big of a deal, considering how you can get the definition of anything with a single click these days.

Adverbs are definitely an issue as I try to embellish the text a lot. But I'm so hung on straight on expletives like through, after all, and such that I never even have time to address the adverbs much^^. I also tried splicing up sentences at a point but did not like the end result... Many of my sentences are incomplete and I battle with that using commas and adding verbs :D. The most glaring conundrum for me is the overwhelming amount of gerund verbs at that. I try to convey the continuous effect without actually going with the tense because it just won't sound right. I'm still uncertain if that's ok to do, too. I'm aware that starting many sentences with a gerund is considered poor in style.

As for the example, I have to admit that I often add things just for the sake of the flow. And not the flow in general, but the flowing of one sentence into the other.

"A once over sufficed to conclude that the cabin was well built and maintained. Could have been erected recently, actually. The floorboards were sturdy enough to not creak at all. If there was a window, it was shut so tight that I found it impossible to locate. Stale air circulating in a crushing manner consequently." I wanted to convey here that the structure was sturdy and had remained shut tight from the outside world. That's why the air was stale and it's of little wonder that the protag found it crushing and stifling, considering their ongoing emotional breakdown and the fact that it was fresh and raining outside. I just thought it a nice touch. I'm surprised that it's hard to understand here. It's like I fail to express the simplest of things.

I don't usually butt in into other's discussions, but there's one issue I wouldn't be able to sleep without pointing out that Marc only skimmed over. May I? It's this:

Why should traditional publishing take the gamble on you if your work is designed exclusively for a small niche which, honestly, you aren't authentically serving?

In the past there was a distinct divide between the literary people and the poor folk, intelligentsia (including nobles) and workers, crafters, farmers. That divide (oversimplifying it massively) started to blur in the 19th and quickly fade in the 20th century, and right now it's still there, but it's not really visible unless you look for it.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because you mention you stylized it as if written in the 19th century, and the writing in the past was aimed at the literary group. The more ingenius and beautiful their prose was, the better; they could show their skill and mastery. But who you aim at - your target audience - is the other group that doesn't care much about artistry. They care about immersiveness and content, but their literary knowledge is lower, so they won't appreciate the thought-out wording and connections between specific words and meaning. Especially the non-native people.

In your case, it would be much simpler to replace "A once over sufficed to conclude" with "A quick look made it obvious", or "air circulating in a crushing manner consequently" with "suffocating air"; it might not convey the detail you want it to, but it's much simpler and easily sufficient for your average reader.

Basically, I believe the probelm with your prose not authenticity in itself, but that the way you write is suitable for different people than your target audience - which Marc implied, but didn't focus on. It's also connected to the communication part. To some degree it can be good, as it can make your story more immersive (I think Marc mentioned it somewhere in this thread as immersive narration, and that's actually something that helped me with my writing), but if it's like this through the whole story, not only dialogues, it starts to grate.

What your target audience wants is a prose that's simple enough to understand without thinking what it means, but not appear bland. You're hovering around the upper border that's dangerously close to being pretentious; and granted, it is more immersive this way and reflects the narrator's character, but it can be hard to keep consistent and believable and may deter many readers.

Anyway, sorry for butting into the thread, but I felt like you two were talking a little different languages and I hope that provides another helpful point of view.

 

[Story_Marc]

I don't usually butt in into other's discussions, but there's one issue I wouldn't be able to sleep without pointing out that Marc only skimmed over. May I? It's this:



In the past there was a distinct divide between the literary people and the poor folk, intelligentsia (including nobles) and workers, crafters, farmers. That divide (oversimplifying it massively) started to blur in the 19th and quickly fade in the 20th century, and right now it's still there, but it's not really visible unless you look for it.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because you mention you stylized it as if written in the 19th century, and the writing in the past was aimed at the literary group. The more ingenius and beautiful their prose was, the better; they could show their skill and mastery. But who you aim at - your target audience - is the other group that doesn't care much about artistry. They care about immersiveness and content, but their literary knowledge is lower, so they won't appreciate the thought-out wording and connections between specific words and meaning. Especially the non-native people.

In your case, it would be much simpler to replace "A once over sufficed to conclude" with "A quick look made it obvious", or "air circulating in a crushing manner consequently" with "suffocating air"; it might not convey the detail you want it to, but it's much simpler and easily sufficient for your average reader.

Basically, I believe the probelm with your prose not authenticity in itself, but that the way you write is suitable for different people than your target audience - which Marc implied, but didn't focus on. It's also connected to the communication part. To some degree it can be good, as it can make your story more immersive (I think Marc mentioned it somewhere in this thread as immersive narration, and that's actually something that helped me with my writing), but if it's like this through the whole story, not only dialogues, it starts to grate.

What your target audience wants is a prose that's simple enough to understand without thinking what it means, but not appear bland. You're hovering around the upper border that's dangerously close to being pretentious; and granted, it is more immersive this way and reflects the narrator's character, but it can be hard to keep consistent and believable and may deter many readers.

Anyway, sorry for butting into the thread, but I felt like you two were talking a little different languages and I hope that provides another helpful point of view.

HOW DARE YOU... Add stuff I find a good supplement that I'm grateful for.

You've nothing to apologize for! In fact, thank you! I just care about people getting figuring out how to tell the stories they want to tell well, so I don't care who says what so long as it's good feedback. Especially since I do sometimes hold back due to my fears of overwhelming people with information. Especially my knowledge of neuroscience in relation to readers.

Though I will say still it is inauthentic because it's trying to be something it isn't. It's a modern person trying to imitate the past as opposed to understanding all the nuances of that sort of language. Prose like that is insanely demanding, so expecting to have it down exactly out the gate is very difficult.

Again, speaking from experience. XD

Though, for the sake of a little more depth, I will point out some quick consistent example throughout that just isn't satisfying to read.

- "The decision was taken by me"
- "The dog was walked by me"
- "At the end of the day, it is what it is"
- "Due to the fact that it was raining, I decided to stay inside"
- "I'm going to make a purchase at the store that is located down the street from my house"
- "The reason why I didn't go to the party is because I had to study for my exam."
- "He asked me if I could lend him a pen, to which I replied in the affirmative."
- "At this point in time, we are not able to confirm whether or not the project will be completed by the deadline."
- "She is of the opinion that we should postpone the meeting until next week."
- "It is incumbent upon us to ensure that all safety protocols are being adhered to."

There's something I put in my recent episode that is super important here, especially since you use so many passive sentences. I'll link straight to it. Hopefully, it can help you understand what you can do to improve your writing a bit more, how, and why. Well, clarity is what I'd focus on first and foremost in your shoes, but that's just me.

Can u do mine? I've been polishing my Ch1 time to time and I definitely need your on analysis on things. Trinary already addressed some of it, so I fixed it a little. It's a reincarnation story abt a normal boring man isekaid yeah that's abt it it's mostly just me fulfilling the things that I've read on Isekai that were not there and just purely to satisfy myself while having others also join my world of imagination. (Focused mostly on 3rd Pov since I got too used to chinese novels)
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/682333/reincarnated-as-the-archmages-son/

Just to note, haven't forgotten about you, I'll just do it... later. XD But I have a question. Is your current attempt your approach in 3rd person? Since it does read very much like a light novel to me so far.

 

[Rockingashe]

I hate to come in too, but I was wondering if you could check mine out and tell me what you think? Any criticism helps thank you in advance! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/729348/the-vampiric-lover/

 

[Story_Marc]

I hate to come in too, but I was wondering if you could check mine out and tell me what you think? Any criticism helps thank you in advance! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/729348/the-vampiric-lover/

No reason to hate to come in, that's the point of this thread. It won't be today, but I will do it.

I'll be back in a few days, I kind of need to start producing the new episode of my show.

 

[Dearest_Violet]

What I'll do is read the first chapter present only and figure out what's either working and/or not working for me. I'll address it in the thread and try to have a back & forth convo with you to see what I can best suggest. I'll also try to connect you with the writing craft which might help you best to hear.

If you're still doing this I'd love to hear feedback from you!

The story is here!

Feel free to read the synopsis to judge whether or not you wish to review it.

 

[Potato41]

Okay, time for me to do some of these again! Starting with one I somehow missed.

Thumbs up! I enjoyed this one! The narrator's voice is very nice and it made me laugh! You've got a good, colorful omniscient approach going, so you're working things quite well. Honestly, when it comes to handling this stuff well online, you're who I want to point to. I might use it for a brief example in the future if you're okay with being featured in one of my videos.

Oh and with the content, I do like the introduction to Willow, the whole desire for a bit more. Oh and the way the chapter ends, love it! Absolutely love that line at the end! Plus just everything with the mysterious cat. This one hooked me!

Thank you so much for your time! You are my first 'sort-of reviewer' for this story, and even though it is just the first chapter, I'm truly happy that you liked it! I sort of started this on a whim to experiment with an abstract concept in my mind, but I found out the pov in present-tense is working out pretty well with this story. Also, I am glad that you liked Willow. I intended to create her as someone who thinks herself as an adult, but is still a child in her core. I hope that you will stop by to read the rest of it sometime in the future

Also, feel free to feature this in your video. I'm honoured that you liked my story enough to want to add it. :)

 

[Zinless]

I would love your feedback on my story!

Reincarnated Into Two Bodies

After falling to his death, he wakes up with two bodies?! Reincarnated as both a humble commoner boy and a privileged young noble girl, our protagonist enjoys their new chance in life with two different perspectives. Although they only wished for a peaceful life, the world had other plans in...

www.scribblehub.com

I want to know if my earlier chapters manage to hook readers to my story or not.

 

[DataNerdX]

Hi Marc,

Thank you for this thread. I'd love to hear feedback on Chapter 0 of my story.

 

[Story_Marc]

Can you do mine? thanksss

How to raise a Demon lord?

A Great Hero who was about to defeat the demon king dies when his clumsy ally mage accidentally casts a large area spell out of nervousness which in turn, killed both the Demon Lord and the Hero. However, just when he thought he had died, he finds himself residing in...

www.scribblehub.com

This is one of those that got buried in between that I didn't notice until now. I'll get to this one tomorrow, as I'm a bit tired from what I already did.

Can u do mine? I've been polishing my Ch1 time to time and I definitely need your on analysis on things. Trinary already addressed some of it, so I fixed it a little. It's a reincarnation story abt a normal boring man isekaid yeah that's abt it it's mostly just me fulfilling the things that I've read on Isekai that were not there and just purely to satisfy myself while having others also join my world of imagination. (Focused mostly on 3rd Pov since I got too used to chinese novels)
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/682333/reincarnated-as-the-archmages-son/

Alright, so, this is another I'd pass on, for a number of reasons.

First up, the passing is way too fast. There are way too many important events in quick succession, without much time at all for readers to process or absorb information. It's super difficult to connect with the character or empathize because this feels like I'm reading cliff notes as opposed to a story.

And when it comes to the reading, it reads like an unpolished light novel. The text is incredibly flawed, with punctuation errors, awkward phrases, and so on throughout. There are various things I don't feel like repeating, such as the onomatopeia issue in this, but I'll point out some spots where the text is just difficult and confusing to read.


Here's just some of the awkward phrasing I can point to:

1. "I feel so alone I have no one, people who I thought would have sided with me that I didn't do it, all turned on me."
2. "up till now I was just an upright guy that liked being alone in my space Reading mangas, Watching movies, and trying to live"
3. "a benevolent person would never let his so-called children of the world suffer."
4. "I dont want to die yet... I dont have a choice do I.... I had those thoughts but when death is actually at my door, Im scared."
5. "Ughhh... What is this.. it's so bright..."
6. "His name is gonna be Yona Arden."
7. "Wait Madam Claire let me clean you and Yona with my magic."
8. "As Claire and The maid bought the child outside to show Yona to his brothers."
9. "Eyes that look with Envy and Resent."
10. "While Yoake was growing up, He would be crawling all around to the library to Find Magical books, which he can access to get that advantage while still young."

There are also unnecessary capitalizations and various other things. But yeah, this isn't 3rd person.

To note, starting with the guy going through suffering, I can get behind that. You don't spend enough time exploring it, but that IS a good idea. The biggest problem is just the fact that you're in such a rush. Also, your opening sentence is bleh, but I'll cover some tips for that in the next person's entry as I'd say the same thing to you.

I hate to come in too, but I was wondering if you could check mine out and tell me what you think? Any criticism helps thank you in advance! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/729348/the-vampiric-lover/

Okay, so, the way it starts is instantly boring.

It was raining outside. Thunder was heard all around as the lightning was seen in the sky illuminating the night sky.

It's a boring way to try and anchor the reader in. Having read through this, I highly recommend my video on Show, Don't Tell as well, to get a good start on certain principles, as the static verbs section is something I bring up that you're repeatedly guilty of right here. I'll give a quick example of how it could easily be improved.

"Thunder rumbled in the distance and raindrops drummed against my rooftop as I reminisced about what Jenny had said to me before graduation."

I did a couple of other things to improve this as well, which goes into the important lesson I wish to throw out for now: how to make a riveting first sentence!

Here's stuff you need to look for.

1) An inherent question. It helps to have an invisible question mark, something that snags curiosity. You wish to give enough information to make the reader ask the question.

2) Character. An opening line should give us a character, as this is the first opportunity to meet someone.

3) Setting. You can get away with not doing this 100% sometimes, but yeah, it can help anchor stuff.

4) Sweeping Declaration. This is something that isn't used as much, but you can use it. The key still is to make the reader ask the inherent question.

5) Tone. You want to start the story off on the right foot, something that fits what the story is going to be like as a whole.

For instance, this is what I hold as the best opening sentence I've ever read. From The Dresden Files, Book 6.

"The building was on fire, and it wasn't my fault."

And, because I don't like being someone who can't practice what they preach/back up their knowledge with actual evidence they know what they're doing, I'll give an example of me trying to practice this myself, to see if this helps.

Cassidy wished that impersonation was as easy as The Payday Chronicles film series made it appear, with latex masks, stolen outfits, and quick changes.

If there is anything to prioritize of those, it's an inherent question, character, and tone.


Anyway, that aside, the overall read felt kind of juvenile to me. Ignoring the informal language and all that, which I feel is more intentional, the dialogue structure and punctuation are off. The dialogue lacks proper punctuation and formatting, which makes it difficult to follow and gives a less polished feel. ...Sigh... I really should get on top of making something for people there, assuming they can't find it anywhere else...

Also, the narrative voice shifts a lot between introspective and emotional to casual and conversational. It makes it feel less carefully crafted as well.

I could probably think of more, and feel free to ask any questions if you want, but yeah, that's my immediate takeaway and why I'd pass.

And exhausted now from doing this for too long. I wish I could truly get across how much work I am doing on my end when I read these and am debating what to type out.

 

[Story_Marc]

Can you do mine? thanksss

How to raise a Demon lord?

A Great Hero who was about to defeat the demon king dies when his clumsy ally mage accidentally casts a large area spell out of nervousness which in turn, killed both the Demon Lord and the Hero. However, just when he thought he had died, he finds himself residing in...

www.scribblehub.com

Alright, going to focus on your pacing issues first and foremost, since I'm working on another grammar guide to help people out, beyond the Showing stuff I already did. But here are some examples of mistakes I noticed...

Run-on sentences...

"Anri studied at the academy, she was a talented mage, her parents were proud of her, but they also worried about her safety."

Sentence fragments...

"The hero, wielding his sword. Charged at the demon lord."

And other things that are easily fixed, like tense issues.

The hero confronts the demon lord, but was knocked back by a powerful spell.

Anyway, you fall into the same issue as the other person I mentioned with a light novel approach in that this is too fast-paced. For example, there are large chunks of info that make it difficult to process everything, like with the long convo between the demon lord and the hero. It often feels like you're rushing to cover all this information as quickly as possible as opposed to weaving it into the narrative.

Skill with exposition comes from making it invisible. This seems more anxious, putting expositional duty ahead of dramatic necessity.

Also, your handling of characters is rushed as well. A good example, Anri with the academy and her family is just launched into while it seems like you really just want to get to the whole stuff with the background. If anything, I think it might be better for you to start the story with The Hero vs. Demon Lord and save introducing her in the second chapter.

So yeah, I'd pass because this seems to be rushed to get all these ideas across as opposed to properly pacing it as a narrative.