[Closed] Free Feedback from the Prince

Prince_Azmiran_Myrian

Prince_Azmiran_Myrian

🐉Burns you with his Love🐉
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TUSOG said:
Here's a link to my novel. Thanks

The Sacrifice | Scribble Hub
Click to expand...
🐉​

Thank you for submitting to my Overly Based Very Helpful Dragon Judgment™️
I read to the end of 06: What do you mean to each other?
I stopped because I didn't like the story.

The best part of what I read was the opening Chapter, but it still needs work. You gave me a good idea of the villain, and I would rather the POV be following him rather than any of the other characters. By far this was your strongest scene.

You should look up the building blocks for scenes. It is a topic too difficult for me to explain well, but I think you would benefit greatly from watching some videos of people talk about it. Your scenes could be doing much more, much better. Work on your scene transitions as well.

For me, the scene where Anope was grieving his family fell flat, I think it was because the character might have cared, but I did not. Earlier he had a strong desire thst he wanted to leave. I was not invested in them, the farm sect or his family. Plus afterwards, he totally wouldn't be in the emotional state to fall in love with Ben on sight. There is some emotional whiplash going on here. Perhaps some use of metaphorical or poetic language could be used to help convey the emotions going on in the characters.

Beyond that,
try using more descriptions, and incorporate the five senses.
Focus less on explaining backstory, and more on what is happening now. Going on an aside to explain something can take a reader away from what the focus should be. This information can be either established before the scene or after it.
Some passages would benefit if they were moved somewhere else or removed entirely.

You do decently well with dialogues and action tags, and a few other literary techniques that I noticed. Continue to improve them.

As for the spirit of the story, I don't like it and this section is where my appraisal draws from.
I am so very tired of arranged marriages being used in such a poor light. Why is the romance genre filled with awful cliche scenarios?

Ben is a based character, he's right. Everyone else has horrible motivations, Nina, Dante, Talia, Anope... I say NOPE! They are lame. At this rate, I hope the villain wins and has a happy ending.

The main idea of your story is still unclear to me, this is something that the opening usually gives a hint at. Without knowing that, I just think this is a waste of my time reading.
One aspect that does intrigue me is the farm sect's pacifism, But I am left wondering if that will be explored further ever again.

Honestly, I only read a small portion and the story could 180 from my first impressions, but this far in this is how I see it. I would be surprised if my expectations were subverted, and would be thankful if they were.
Overall, my appraisal of your story is: Toxic
You can do better.

I pray that you learn how to love like God loves us. Truly there is nothing better. Amen.

🐉​
 
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