doneI recently finished editing my story, so it's mostly done outside of any minor errors I may not have caught. It's in the signature. o wo)b
You want me to point out your mistakes, not a review, per se. So, I'll do that here.I'm back, but with a better story. This one only has 3 chapters, but I want to know what I did right or wrong in those 3, so I can make sure I don't repeat the mistakes.The Bid To Destroy Silver Phoenix
Gryo Autonomous Combat Units. The world's first autonomous war machines. Led by commander units with highly advanced AI, they are capable of waging war without any help from the human race. But this strength is humanity's downfall. The commander units are unhappy with humans using them and...www.scribblehub.com
doneHello there, I need feedback!
The Musician and the Orchestra
Taishi, in the beginning, was a simple musician. He wanted to spread the musicality of concert bands throughout the entire world. His dream became true when he joined a world-renowned wind orchestra. But, after a recent performance, he had an accident. After finally waking up from his slumbering...www.scribblehub.com
Ah, okay. Thanks for the feedback.You want me to point out your mistakes, not a review, per se. So, I'll do that here.
Ok, first off, Silver Phoenix is an attack machine, as far as I understood it. You made him sound like a corrupt official archetype. Namely, a human. Perhaps if you have kept the machine as a robot, and not given him any emotions, your story would have been better. Maybe gotten a plot somewhere that showed how Silver Phoenix had been hijacked.
You made him sound evil, but he is a machine. Machines are tools, they can't be evil. No AI, no matter how advanced, can mimic human reasoning and emotions.
Another thing, your combat scenes could be more polished. Now, I am not a master at those at all. I still have trouble with them. But shouting some command and then say that there is an explosion is simply not enough. Most of the time, I didn't know what the commands meant, so I was confused.
The plot to get the MC killed on a mission that he was already taking was a bit out of the blue. You could have gotten a better effect if you have made it look like the government is putting all their trust in him. Not that they are trying to get rid of him. The reason behind his death being needed was also shallow. I mean, he is too good at handling a catastrophe, and he needs to die? Really? In other novels, he would have gotten a medal.
Your worst misstep is making Silver Phoenix human, when he is, in fact, a machine. Things can't go much against their nature, or programming, as it is in Silver Phoenix's case. The least you could have done was explain why he wants to destroy all life on the planet.
Otherwise, your grammar and style are good. You could continue this story, but be careful of how you explain why Silver Phoenix acts like a human. Make it believable, thrown in a bit of world building, and flesh out the MC. Because, as things stand now, the MC is just your average commander sent off to his death.
(I am sorry if this feedback seems a bit too harsh. You asked for something to prevent future mistakes, and it was not my intentions to insult you. Your story has what it needs to be a completed work. You just need a better release schedule, at least for the first 20 chapters. You have readers, don't give up on them.)
I am going to give you the review here because I can't give you a 5 star with a clear conscience. And I don't give anything lower-period. So, the worst thing you do is that you do a lot of telling, and almost no showing. This is present in the info dumps you do as you try to make the pace fast. Instead of revealing the emotions of your characters through dialogue, you tell us about them. You leave nothing to the imagination, and that makes for a poor story. Worse, it makes for a story that is not engaging.Here is mine! I hope you will review it since I need to improve my writing.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/515163/the-monarch-of-the-storms-is-an-extra/
Thanks for the criticism! I'll take note of itI am going to give you the review here because I can't give you a 5 star with a clear conscience. And I don't give anything lower-period. So, the worst thing you do is that you do a lot of telling, and almost no showing. This is present in the info dumps you do as you try to make the pace fast. Instead of revealing the emotions of your characters through dialogue, you tell us about them. You leave nothing to the imagination, and that makes for a poor story. Worse, it makes for a story that is not engaging.
Your plot has a unique twist, what with the MC being the grandson of the isekai'd person. And you do use the memories of the evil grandpa. But you didn't explain how a dead person can try to control someone from the grave. Dead is dead, my friend. Unless he placed his soul in the book, or something, then he shouldn't have been able to do so.
Another thing you did wrong was leave a bit of your draft chapter in the prologue. That scene with the mother with a knife in her throat was followed by the note scene. You should remove it. It didn't feel like a part of a dream.
Your characters are not fleshed out. You should work on that.
(I am not trying to insult your work, just telling you what I saw after reading the first 10k words. Which is my standard for giving a review.)
I said no GL. Besides, your story needs a lot of fixing up, when it comes to the grammar.Hey ! Am i too late to the party ? Are you still doing reviews ? If you are then please check out mine.
Cliche Story of a Mob Villain
I do have several unedited chapter for the same , if you want that for a better idea. I can also share that.
Although I do agree to the later ,but ITS NOT GL.I said no GL. Besides, your story needs a lot of fixing up, when it comes to the grammar.
Done. It was a lovely read, professionally written, with good grammar and all.Hello, would you do mine please? (BL) Crowfeather (The Marwaithyr Rift Part One) | Scribble Hub
thank you so much (just the first few chapters no need to do the whole thing so far unless you actually want to)
doneIf anyone has time, please check out one of my pieces. I am trying to improve so please be specific about the things you think is messing with the flow, the language etc.
Done. I have to admit school drama is not my thing, but I tried to give it the attention it deserves in the review. I hope I don't disappoint.Here's mine, it's a psychological school-life light novel similar to Classroom of the Elite.
Ideal Human To National High School
I don't want others to see my past. Although other people don't understand, what I have become now is nothing to be envious of. After living his entire life through the Ideal Human Project, Rin Takamiya wants to get away, finally being freed from constant aspirations and hopeless ideals. He...www.scribblehub.com