www.scribblehub.com
here’s my story, hope it’s good enough for you
RATING: Would not Keep Reading.
Let's just start with some sweeping statements. "Sucked Into A Video Game" stories have become the number 1 thing I see on sites like this replacing "I died and went to a new world stories". There's nothing inherently bad about that, but you are being compared to other writers writing the carbon copy same first chapter-- and sometimes the carbon copy same scenes beat for beat.
To the degree that you made the chapter a very in the moment story wihtout bogging us down worked, right down to the Elden Ring esque boss helper. On the video game side, I think it's something that other authors should take note of, because your audience knows what a video game is and how it functions and basing it off a real experience (or what could be one) makes it relatable. Bigger picture this falls flat because we have no idea who your character is or what they want.
Now let's throw all this out, because none of this matters in terms of my rating here. The issue I had was with so much of the writing just wasting my time or wasting space.
I booted up my YCircle, and opened up the game I’d been playing for the past month: Re:Life. I really liked this first sentence. It's not high art but you had the confidence to throw out YCircle and not expalin it; you correclty assumed that your audience weren't idiots. Its story, visuals and lore were quite possibly the best thing my senses have ever been blessed with, but it was almost strange how little popularity it had. Good idea but the first half is thin. This was your oppurtunity to paint a picture: what about the story, visuals, and lore were so good? E.g. The story about returning a dead world to life, art direction right out of an H.R. Geiger painting, and lore that would require a companion wiki to get to the bottom of was sublime, but. . . . It was a VR game with almost lifelike characteristics adds nothing, yet it only averaged around 300 monthly players, This would be a good lead in to qualify what came before if it jumped into a bigger idea, but what you have next is. . . which I’d only found out after extensive research; A simple Google search didn’t show any information, due to the game’s lack of popularity. My first thought was how do you play an online game and not realize no one is playing it? Like, shouldn't he realize it's empty and that causes him to investiagte. Instead, the MC investigates for no reason and somehow that requires "extensive" research. And once again at the end, just completely worthless words for things we know.
If this feels pedantic, it isn't. These are all problems (except the compliments) that prevented enjoyment, and the rest of the work IS what i've laid out here, just without the positives. It's frequently failing in one of these areas, and the story ultimately suffers because what is important to the plot is either too thin or too clunky.
There's no point in even copy and pasting the secnond paragraph, because I have a problem with it as a whole. What does bankruptcy have to do with anything? How does the character know any of this? Maybe the sales and the stable player base are not the same. The MC even says they don't care, so why should we? It felt like the writer trying to justify something they thought was incredulous, but just why? It isn't movivated by anything. You almost need a line in their about how your character is worried about finishing the game fast in case it shuts down. At least then the information is 1) motivated by something and 2) Relate back to the MC.
OVERALL
Focus on the writing.
That was... quite the review.
You should click the link and really get the experience for yourself.
Hello! If you're reading the first chap only, please ignore the Prologue, thank you for your time!
For Evin, the Voice inside his head was always something to be despised. Because of it, he is shunned by all, even his own family. His mother had left him, leaving him behind with a father who is beyond done with the mentally-ill child under his care. Yet still, the...
www.scribblehub.com
A most sensible request.
RATING: Would Keep Reading.
THE GOOD
Love the start here. I was scared going in that this would be a continuation of the prologue as many authors around here do, and it was not. And I was also happy to find it was solely focused on the MC working harding doing something moderately unusual. I can empathize with hard work more than 90% of how other stories start.
From there, I once again am digging your choices. The MC will only work within reason, and now I'm fully on his side because his dad is a bastard.
You also weave us in to the Schizo voice pretty seemlessly. You had that little laugh at the start just to get us aware which works doubly for both the 'character' and the formatting you chose.
Speaking to the start of the chapter, I think you did a phenominal job as a whole getting us into your story.
THINGS I DID NOT LOVE
I felt the length. There isn't a real discernable structure that this chapter hangs on, and I think the biggest chunk of meat here is the dialogue. It's a character piece which I love conceptually, but in practice the character voice and dialogue were just a little plain and boring at times.
I for one was shocked that I wasn't wholely on board since you won me over that hard at the start. I think some of it has to do with that length, I was just rereading a section and thought, "Wouldn't it be great if those two ideas were closer together and playing off each other." But I'm not sure if that's going to be helpful advice because you can sharpen everything up regardless, punch it up a bit.
And I mentioned the voice. I was refrencing one point near the end where the father makes a comment on mages and there was a weird verbosity that seemed to conflict with his character.
OVERALL
There are things I would work on, but it's still a good start to a story. And while I didn't say this before, I think the premise is a winner as well if you make the most of the dual voices shtik.
I'd like to hear your two salts, if you don't mind. When you have time.
Link to a novel.
Edit: By the time you get here, a lot of time will have gone since I've posted, so let's break it down, shall we?
This is, to say the least, experimental stuff. Not the usual thing you might find. So if you feel you can not rate it well, let me know and I will understand it.
RATING: Would Keep Reading!
Context: I have nothing against abstract or experimental in general, but I do think any statements on quality end up being more subjectional than usual. For example, when I watch a David Lynch movie, what I find good (or bad sometimes) about it, is the way it manages to play with my intuition and emotion. I wrote this off your descriptoin, so I guess we're going to find out if I think its abstract.
THE GOOD and GREAT
The word I won't be using here is abstract. It's a bit more imaginative than a typical chapter you see around here, and there's the occasional styleistic flare that elevates it, but we have the context we need in a few lines and any sort of dream logic is entirely justified. All this ends up being one of the stronger aspects of this piece, it makes it more interesting and enjoyable to read, and I think you did it well. Some writers get in trouble by not reigning themselves in, but you at your most daring strike a nice balance, so I'd recommend approaching most your writing with this creative spirit in mind.
That's all secondary though, because there is one thing you did better than everything else: you elicited a genuine emotion out of me. You instill a decent amount of dread here which is not easy to do. It's clear something is going more and more wrong and you manage to communicate that to us without beating us over the head. I think a major factor in this success is the secondary characters obliviousness to the tonal swap. As the writing shifts gears and becomes panicked, their constant cheery disposition really starts to make an impact.
CRITIQUE
Some of the writing is off at points. It isn't something I can be too hard about since the work made an impact in the way it did, but you could slash some words or sentences here or there. Just generally tighten things up with some line edits. If this was cleaned up and shiny without losing anything, it would probably have gone on my best of list.
Bit more formatting related, but the excessive author's notes were a bit much. You write a full page in warning at the start, and then corden off the "traumatic" content again with another warning. It's really excessive. A couple lines up top would be enough, especially considering that it isn't that bad.
You do this stylistic thing to try and convey panic in the reader, but it really isn't your strong suit vs. the building of that tension. I actually wanted that final paragraph-- the payoff-- to be stomach churning, but the form and even some of the language undercuts the intent. Random capps lock, weirdly shouting out "I don't like pain". Even the length becomes confusing as it draws out a very singular idea too far.
OVERALL
I don't know what the rest of the story looks like, but I appreciated this as a highly effective short horror story.
docs.google.com