Dhael_Ligerkeys
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Here's is mine The Weaver - A Dark LitRPG Fantasy. I've also released it on Royal Road. Only two chapters out at the moment with a new one released every Friday.
Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)
- Thread starter TheTrinary
- Start date
DearDire
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https://www.scribblehub.com/series/985496/the-supreme-leader-a-supervillian-litrpg/
It would be awesome if you could check out the first 4 chapters!
It would be awesome if you could check out the first 4 chapters!
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TheTrinary
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RATING: Would not Keep Reading
THE GOOD
To start with, I think you're close to something servicable here. The second the chapter started with a boy threatening to kill the MC without any real avenue of conflict presented I thought: Okay, this should end with her killing him. And that's what happened. It's the appropriate resolution and arc there.
ALL THE THINGS THAT NEED WORK
Your prose is very wordy, to the point of being dull sometimes. I felt a bit of an ESL translation going on here because the word choices and prose thickness freqently clashed with the intent. Morover, you have a nasty habit of tense swapping which further makes me think this.
You also don't seem cognicant of the ideas your presenting to you're reader. You'll have your character say they're very non-verbal, but that clashes with the flurid prose in their head (Yes, I know that's not an inherent contradiction, but it begs the question. You need to stay out in front of your reader and have your character acknowledge that).
Likewise, you start by establishing that she wakes up in a girls' dorm but there is a boy there that wants to kill her. You need to do with that in the moment. An immeadiate explanation for why a boy can be there, who he is; because you've put the question into your readers head and then ignored it. The end result is forcing us to build up your world and fill in the gaps oursevles, which is not what you wants (unless you're a master of your craft and are able to intentionally create gaps for exciting interpretation).
It's a lot to be worked on and I'll expand on that a bit more below
GENERAL LINE EDITS THAT ARE GOOD FOR ANY WRITER TO UNDERSTAND
Okay. I'm just going to go through some prickly sentences and explain the common misteps writers around here make.
In that place there was no color, no sound, no emotions, no air, nothing to touch or feel, no way to get hurt, no form of suffering or enjoyment, nor any type of aspirations or obligations. This kind of list is used to greatest affect by being snappy. Your reader has a very clear direction in mind about what kind of information you're giving, and as a writer you need to be aware of that expectaton and violate it. You either need to 1) Make an observation so clever they wouldn't see it coming, or 2) make a complete u-turn and shock them. Don't be random or intentionally obtuse as it still has to track, but don't deliver what they're expecting.
My entire body quivered faintly. Struggling to recall, I urged myself to calm down. Shutting my eyes, I employed the familiar technique of deep breaths, needing just one minute to regain composure. This just calls for specificity. Why is it a familiar technique? How did they learn this? You generally want to stay away from an anecdote of back story unless it's a really interest detail, so in this isntance she's in an orphanage right? Instead of "familiar technique" just "deep breathing the nuns taught us". Something cohesive with the world that doesn't slow us down too much.
Ok. Lastly, is there any threat nearby? No aggressive rats or humans? Well... At least the rats don't seem aggressive.
"Finally awake you fucking whore?" Don't explain before telling. You outright tell us that there is an aggresive human and then show us. Which is a shame because this would be a great instance to create a punch line with the telling, aka:
Ok. Lastly, is there any threat nearby? No aggressive rats or humans?
"Finally awake you fucking whore?"
Well... At least the rats don't seem aggressive.
People should see me as a creepy fifteen-year-old girl covered in dust and grime wearing a black blouse with cuts behind it and several dried bloodstains. I also have my skirt, once navy blue, faded and worn in places, making it look almost grey. Let's check just to be sure, I know that's is the case already but I need to be a hundred percent sure.
Finally, stuff like this I see a lot-- ESPECIALLY for physical description. People feel the need to justify why we're seeing how the character looks and its almost always awkward. If it feels contrived it is, so just write it normally. An anecdote about the past needs some justification for why it's coming up: something reminding the character of the past. Luckily, physical appearance is always going to be relevant because they're in the scene. Drop it in anywhere that doesn't violate the overall flow or undercut momentum.
OVERALL
The writer needs more practice rather than the work having any glaring flaw that needs to be addressed. But by no means bad, especially depending on experience.
RATING: Would Keep Reading
THE GOOD
This falls into the rare catagory of knowing right away based on the writing that I'm in for a good time. I turns out that only applies to your dialogue, but you've got an eye for dialogue.
Past that, I think it's well structured, you have a great focus on your character for the first chapter and all around it's a good first chapter that just needs some reigning in at times.
CRITIQUE
Peter reached the closest table and began his well practiced process of sitting down: Turn his back to the chair, propping one hand on the back of the chair so it doesn't escape while holding firmly on to the left crutch. Squat down slowly, putting all weight on to his right leg while keeping his rotten excuse of a left leg extended. Hope his backside doesn't fail this mission and end up on the floor. I first marked this down as tense errors but now I'm not even sure. Your use of the semicolon and what comes after it is pretty nasty. Even past the period you keep the change of perspective for a time, and even without that it has some confusing bits. Just a poorly written sentence I think.
After a momentary daze, Peter let out a breath as he reached for the mug. I'm just going to throw this one your way since you are a better writer. Peter letting out a breath before reaching for the mug communicates the same information as "momentary daze". I suppose he breaths AS he reaches for the mug, but then why does he do that? It's trivial I know, but one way or the other you can nix some extra words here, and that's normally a good goal of editing.
Matthew towards the counter and grabbed what looked to be a sapling of some sort. I know it wasn't intentional, but you forgot your verb here my man.
OVERALL
Solid piece. Good build up of character and use of dialogue.
Nothing here.
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RiaCorvidiva
Lady with a Caws.
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Would you be willing to give a look at the first chapter of a new story I'll be releasing in a couple months?
FatElf
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Hey, thanks for this thread.
I'll leave mine here as well. It was a silly experiment turned into story: (I was working on how to write a good first paragraph, then ended up going with the first three chapters before I stopped).
There are a few things on the first chapter I still want to edit, some choice of words, or maybe rephrase here and there, but I'd be happy with any feedback you can provide.
Reincarnation gone wrong. Chapter - 1.
I'll leave mine here as well. It was a silly experiment turned into story: (I was working on how to write a good first paragraph, then ended up going with the first three chapters before I stopped).
There are a few things on the first chapter I still want to edit, some choice of words, or maybe rephrase here and there, but I'd be happy with any feedback you can provide.
Reincarnation gone wrong. Chapter - 1.
someawkwardflame
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I really appreciated the feedback you gave on my other story and would love some on the first chapter of my new one - fair warning, it is smut, and there's a little bit in chapter one. If you read past that it very quickly ramps up.
www.scribblehub.com
Me & My Nemesis In a Giant Mech
Updated Friday & Monday Hera Cooper is about to get her final approval for the Deep Space Diplomatic Exploration program, and pilot a brand new DeepDiplo MKIX S-Xplorer Mecha to find the next great alien species humanity can connect with and achieve her life long dream. Meet and make meaningful...
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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RATING: Middle of the road so would not keep reading.
The Good
Most of this was in the positive column for me. It's an exciting set piece to start a story with. The prose is mostly spot on (I disagreed with a few critiques here and there about flowery word choice or . We'll loop back around to the writing in the critique section, but make you trust who you're getting advice from). All around, it's competent to the point where any individual element is servicable.
When I say servicable I mean good enough on it's own. If you have a good character writer, their story needs to be servicable. If you have a good prose-ist, their characters can be servicable. Here, I'm not sure you had a "hero" element that was center stage that could draw the reader in and entertain.
CRITIQUEERINO
We're going to divide up your story by paragraphs. So you know what I'm talking about, each indent is a paragraph. Your first page has six. So let's go through them:
P1: Good. Altough reading it back you do flub the order in the your second sentence: You let us know it's night before introducing us to the blood moon. We already know it's night so it's an immeadiate repitition. Morover, it introduces the information to come without letting us experience it. If you modify the fact after instead of before-- like you normally should-- then it reads much smoother
P2: This really doesn't add anything other than letting us know there are monsters in the world. It's not strong enough on it's own to create an character voice or add personality to the work.
P3: This is where you start to falter and get boring. You don't tell us a single meanginful thing in the entire paragraph. If instead had written, Lysette wope up, grabbed her things, and went outside, what would be lost? I really want to go through the minutia here because this is how you take a book from okay to great:
Lysette jumped to her feet, stopping only to slip on her shoes before leaving her bedroom. The first five words are great and they are only slowed down by that previous paragraph breaking up your urgency. Now the second half though. . . .What does this add? What does this tell us? If you are going to stop the pacing for something to happen, you need to tell us something important. It needs to reveal a greater truth about the character or the world. If you never mentioned shoes once, I would assume she was wearing shoes when she's running in the woods later.
So that's what shouldn't be in this space. You can straight out nix it if you wish, but you could also change it out for meaning. A completely stripped down prose reads better, but its moot if you don't have meaning. So maybe she grabs a locket-- stashes a photo in a safe place-- tires to see the nearby villiage (and thus we know where she relative to everyone else.
Another blast rang out as she stepped into the hallway of her small home, this one so intense that it rumbled the ground beneath her feet, sending her leaning against the wall as she struggled to remain upright. Fine. If we're really getting analytical, you reminding the reader that we are in a crisis probably means that it should be proceeded by a meaningful detail that the reader needs to be refocused from.
She rushed to her front door, grabbing a jacket, a few healing herbs, and a wooden sword on her way out – it wasn’t much, only really useful for fending off wild coyotes and similar, but it was better than nothing. A jacket tells us it may be cold out, herbs make us think there is danger, and a wooden sword transcends all of that by just being a great, great detail. Legitimately, it's the one thing in this entire chapter I glomped on too and remembered. And the detail about coyotes is great.
Now, I do think it gets a bit muddied in context because there is some confusion about your character. How old is she? Does she live alone?
P4: This is what I would call pastoral. It's essentially just a description of the setting in one way or the other. To that degree it's above average. The literal prose is about what I'd expect, but the juxtaposition of the quiet with the reader's expectations ups our engagement.
P5: You take time to reestablish the blood moon, on the same page your established it. I actually support this decision generally, but that probably means you need to go back to paragraph one and not specify the sky is red. Just describe how the MC's room was swimming in red light.
Now, the rest of pargraph is fairly nonsense. You're trying to craft a metaphor or something (unless you're being literal?) and nothing is really conveyed untilt he final sentence that gives us some topography. . . some. I'm still not sure where we are relative to the city. How far is south. South is the city center, is she in the city away from the center? Is she in the mountains looking down from the city. You could use more sharpness here.
P6: Okay stakes. Yes. That's the right idea. BUT it's a weak attempt. We don't have a direct threat. Okay from what? The most straight forward way to play it would be, something weird is going on, I want to be with my family. But you're giving us such a blank canvass with this MC. We are at the end of page 1. We have been inside her head TWICE now, and there hasn't been an ounce of personality here.
I don't know if she's a worry wort. If she's brazen and about to jump into trouble to save who she loves. If this has happened before. If the red moon itself signifies more than it would in our world. We don't know who the character is or what she even knows about what is happening.
P7: (Page 2): Another one. It's the right idea. You seem to know your goals to achieve as an author without necessarily knowing the how-to. We are presented with a choice to flee or investigate. Great. A choice that informs character. . . . but why? What danger makes her think fleeing is prudent? We don't have the necessary information to support the moral quandry. Not only that, you literally just made her worry about her family. With no overt danger, she's kind of shrugging and considering to leave them for dead.
A lot I'm pulling out of a single sentence huh? Otherwise it's an okay paragraph that keeps the pace up. I think the passive verb structure would even work to highlight that choice, if the choice was properly foundationed and presented.
P8: Great.
P9: Little exposition-y. I'm not going to fault you for it but could be stronger.
P10: Let's do another line edit. This is where you're losing me again:
Lysette’s heart raced as she absorbed the implications. This was a coordinated attack against the entire town. But who was behind it, and why? This is basically a recap. We understand why Mc's heart is racing. We understand that soldiers are organized forces and thus it is a coordinated attack. We already know you haven't told us who is behind it. This is space you should be using for something productive. "Lysette's heart raced but she need to know more. She inched closer and held her breath. . ." Oh look the Mc is inquisitive and is willing to take risks. And the footsteps grow louder and she books it out of there.
There was no time to think about it. This can work to refocus the reader. But as is, we've been bored with the previous four sentences so it feels like you're showing your hand again and telling us what the next paragraph is going to be. Stay away from topic sentences.
As the footsteps grew louder, Lysette raced off into the nearby woods, desperately hoping for some cover to evade this invading force. It's very hand wavy. Isn't she making noise when she runs? It just feels a bit lazy.
She pushed forward into the trees, willing herself onward even as her muscles grew stiff and her calves burned. She just started running. And she is presumptively the outdoor type fighting coyotes and living in the mountains (?). As a writer you need to be more clever than your audience. Passively reading this, my brain was coming up with better ideas.
Her throat became dry and scratchy as she gasped for air, but there was no chance to rest and catch her breath. Same comments as before. More than that though, you've gone from 0 to 100 here. There was no build up. She just started running with no one seeing her and the language is so severe that it implies a life and death situation. It's just not well thought out.
OVERALL
Think about each word you use if possible. At a minimum, each sentence.
Rating: Would Keep Reading.
THE GOOD
The first section. It's such a flippant, stupid idea to start a story with. Maybe a little too wink winky but I guess it doesn't matter when you're so committed to something so stupid. I came close to laughing and that's a thumbs up.
THE BAD
Everything past the first section is pretty boring. I'm assuming the energy will pick back up now that you're through all the house keeping and the world building elements that people just love to fawn over in these types of stories. It felt long and I do think you could do more with it.
OVERALL
For the audience of stupid, comedic isekai I'm not going to fault it too much. Just don't get bogged down and keep the energy up.
RATING: Would not Keep Reading.
Let's just go over your first paragraph.
I do not want to be alone anymore, for I wish to have true love that is forever faithful. Weird phrasing. The spacing confuses the intent a bit too. I almost thought it was like a pre chapter entry people like to do and I at least hope that's what it is as it would justify the janky phrasing a bit.
There I was, laid down on my mattress in the middle of the bedroom. Laid down would mean someone placed the MC. Laying down maybe? I woke up from a deep sleep, although I still didn't feel well rested. No real benefit to starting your story with someone waking up. I went through a few lapses of looking around the bedroom, but ended up placing my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes again to remove my remaining fatigue. Not only is the idea of the sentence completely unecssary, but it's super wordy and odd. That was until I finally had enough energy to fully awaken and regain my consciousness. Once again, why so much detail. Why both explaining how waking up works? The first things I saw when I woke up were always the same; everyday felt like the same thing anyway. It's still overly languid, but at least you have the hint of an idea there, trying to build your MC out in some way. Same house, same environment, same routine, or rather lack thereof. In context, good sentence. The walls and ceiling were painted white, as if to remind me how empty and aimless I’ve felt throughout my life. No clear goal in sight, no true motivations in life, no big and grandiose reasons to live—there was nothing like that for me. Such things for me were simply nonexistent so far, aside from a few peaks of joy and cheerfulness on some occasions, there wasn’t much substance for true happiness here. It's just so overly wordy without saying anything. Even the root idea of an underachiever is so played out and common place that putting that much emphasis is almost embaressing.
OVERALL
I would probably start with the writing. Simplify and punch up your sentences. Get something that doesn't feel so silly and overdone and then do the same thing with the ideas.
RATING: Would Keep ReadingI really appreciated the feedback you gave on my other story and would love some on the first chapter of my new one - fair warning, it is smut, and there's a little bit in chapter one. If you read past that it very quickly ramps up.
Me & My Nemesis In a Giant Mech
Updated Friday & Monday Hera Cooper is about to get her final approval for the Deep Space Diplomatic Exploration program, and pilot a brand new DeepDiplo MKIX S-Xplorer Mecha to find the next great alien species humanity can connect with and achieve her life long dream. Meet and make meaningful...
THE GOOD
As much as I chide people for redundancy, I want to point out how you start your story and it working:
"This is utter fucking shit." She snarled.
"Absolute fucking... Why. This makes no sense."
Hera Cooper was unhappy.
The second paragraph completely summarizes what we just saw, but going from such a high level of angst and strength from the wording to such a simple way of recontextualizing it is funny. It's a solid tonal joke to start off with.
Now in terms of general feedback, I think you have a good sense of humor going on here. That's impressive considering this isn't a madcap, do anything for a laugh comedy. You transition quickly into some dialogue that engaged me. I understood the conflict, the desire for the characters to be together, and even without knowing the greater conflict in how the information would be used, the clever bit about the percentages really reinforced the the conclusion we are presented with.
I also liked the premise. Very Pacific Rim but with forcing polar opposites to work together.
CRITIQUE
We definitely reach a point where the prolonged emotional highs and sharp language starts working against itself. Kind of like I was listening to angsty teenagers. Like, are these just immature imbaciles who were never told no? Did the writer think bad langauge in any context was inherntly funny.
Tonally it gets muddied as I lose a bit of what I'm supposed to take seriously. What is the joke? What isn't? I think I'm supposed to be invested in the characters, but then the presentation makes me think I'm supposed to find them all pathetic?
OVERALL
Murky in terms of execution, but I still had fun with it and liked the ideas. I would predict that long term enjoyment is going to come down to the character work.
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Mythrnl
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Hey Stephan, Thanks for taking your time out for us.
Can you review my seriers? It would be awesome for me to get some outside perspective.
Here's is the link to the first chapter as you asked:
Can you review my seriers? It would be awesome for me to get some outside perspective.
Here's is the link to the first chapter as you asked:
Dhael_Ligerkeys
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Thanks for the time and the feedback.
Regarding the table scene, I do realise I'm committing a grammatical crime by swapping tense, but I hoped the colon along with the italic would make up for it. It just loses something if I make it all past tense:
Peter reached the closest table and began his well-practiced process of sitting down. He turned his back to the chair, propped one hand on the back of the chair so it didn't escape while holding firmly onto the left crutch. He squatted down slowly, putting all weight onto his right leg and while keeping his rotten excuse for a left leg extended. He hoped his backside wouldn't fail this mission and end up on the floor.
In relation to the daze, I suppose I can take out the breath.
About the missing verb, good spot. I've reread my stuff so many times, but there always seems to be something new. It's like they grow or something.
Now, I do have a question about the following.
Are you saying that only the dialogue tells you that you're in for a good time? I'm screwed if that's the case since for the next few chapters there isn't much dialogue, he he.
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TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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I do agree it lacks some stylistic flare if you drop the tense shift, but style can be achieved in many ways. What you have to remember is your relationship with the audience. This is your first chapter and that was your first bit of prose. You are intorducing yourself with a grammatical error. If this was a Stephen King book I would look at it, examine it, and maybe even say: "That's avent garde." Maybe. . . .
And that answers your last question too. Your prose is by no means bad, but just that initial relationship I'm forming with the author we went from, "Oh this is going to be great" to "Maybe they don't know what they're doing." Making that kind of impression up front sets the tone. I sat up straight and really looked at the words you were using from then on.
If you want to play around and make something interesting, you're better off playing with the meter or the punctation. Like: He turned his back to the chair-- one hand braced against the chair so his crutch didn't slide-- he squatted and, with the weight on his right leg, kept his left leg extended.
Dhael_Ligerkeys
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I see your point. Amendments made. Thank you.
TheTrinary
Hi, I'm Stephen
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RATING: Would not Keep Reading.Hey Stephan, Thanks for taking your time out for us.
Can you review my seriers? It would be awesome for me to get some outside perspective.
Here's is the link to the first chapter as you asked:
THE GOOD
I think I like the hook. It's a little unclear but it appears that it's a reverse portal fantasy? Some all powerful person coming to our world and getting taken down a peg? I don't think I've seen that and I would certainly like to.
THE REST
The writing is pretty boring. You talk around your topics so much. You start with this waking up opening which should be interesting here, because it turns out he's getting the crap beaten out of him. But this goes on for at least two pages-- two pages before he opens his eyes. And to be clear, soooo much of the writing in those two pages is complete fluff.
Every other verb is the word seem. It's incredibly passive. You seem to think that you need pages to establish that the MC is discombobulated, but like, that can be done in a single sentnece. The end result is that it's not even an interesting scene. You spend your time creating a premise for a scene.
I would try to condense the entire chapter you have into a single page, and go from there.
OVERALL
Frustrating
Mythrnl
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Thanks for the time and the feedback.
That was not within my expectations, but I guess that's what I need to improve as an author.
I guess I got the hook right, but my line and sinker are not up to the mark.
I was going for powerful but not like the top of the food chain. Maybe I will add something like 'other than that one person(his enemy or something of equal status)' that he also can't remember. It sounds confusing, but I will see.
I got what you meant by fluff. I will look to shorten it and maybe move one reveal from the 2nd chapter, as it has two reveals about Asher, the boy he transmigrated into, and one for the MC. Yeah, now that I think about it, that will make it more interesting.
The words are repeated. Yeah, I realized the problem. I was expecting you would notice the overuse of 'thought' as I repeated it like 12 times, but I read again and realized what you mean by 'seem' as it is repeated 5 times and near each other.
Will improve on both.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and the feedback. I'm sure it will help me become better.
WinterTimeCrime
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TheTrinary
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RATING: Would not Keep Reading
I gave up on this one about a page in. The entire rambling opening monologue and the main character are so off putting. Worse than that, they're stupid.
The videogame diatribe isn't connected to anything. Somehow, it's a lead in to talking about what a pscyhopathic business man the main character is? It seems motivated by nothing and doesn't immeadiately connect to anything. Some of the writing is off with some issues with sentence clarity.
What made me quit was the MC. They feel like they have that edgelord, high school mentality. Compare what this character is saying to Christian Bale's opening monologue in American Psycho. There's no thought or depth, no real world view that makes me think: yeah, that's probably how people like this think. It's just over elaborate "I'm so dark and brooding, I'm such a sociopath, businesssssss."
And it's just catagorically wrong. Coming from a guy who's been in the room, sociopathic loner behavior doesn't fuel industry. See Patrick Bateman and his cronyism. Legitimately, you can't name a single avant garde, captain of industry who built something by themselves, because they don't exists. You can find your Elon Musks and Steve Jobs who paid a marketing firm to create the allusion, but the myth itself is a lie.
Now it sounds like I'm preaching doesn't it? But I'm not. I'm telling you how the world is. So when you write a character like you have, it feels like a high schooler without the remotest clue how the world works trying to explain how ideas work. There's a reason people say write what you know, because when you write something this thin, it becomes embaressing.
Characters are only as interseting as the reader can find some truth in them, some commanlity they share. The only person who is going to connect with your MC is an out of touch high school edge lord who also beleives this is how the world works, and this is how you be a cool business man.
OVERALL
Absolutely not
WinterTimeCrime
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Ahhhh, interesting take! Thanks for the review.
IKECARODEV
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TheTrinary
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Rating: Middle of the Road so would not Keep Reading.
The Good
You had some startingly effective scenes here. I was ready to quit reading when the first nightmare began, but oh boyyyy. If you had just taken those couple just taken those paragraphs out and flamed it as a flash fiction, you'd have made the best of all time list.
THE REST
That isn't most of it unfortunately. The biggest thing I can say is your need to self edit. You are frequently wordy, the chapter itself is gargantuan, and you have a habit to linger. This habit is super effective at the highest moments of energy.
Once again with that first nightmare: when she said "rape" I was startled and fully prepared for you to immeadiately cut to another topic. But you lingered on it. You owned it and she kept saying it; your reader had to deal with what we were reading. It was sooooo good. If that was an intentional choice then you are so far ahead of most writers in a lot of ways.
But to contrast that, the opening monologue did not need to linger. It was bland and banal. Which brings us to the next topic: character voice. The MC's voice and the way they talk-- and think-- grates. Like I said, I didn't think I would read past the first couple paragraphs because it's just a bunch of floaty nothing.
OVERALL
If you can learn how to edit your ideas into something sharper, you could be great. As is, it's a lot of writing that is borderline unreadable paired with straight fire.
Figments
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yo. new around here and just saw this thread. wouldn't mind seeing what you think of this one:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/999187/the-chronicles-of-ashtree-lane/
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/999187/the-chronicles-of-ashtree-lane/
3kockeleda
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Hello,
I'm new here and in general when it comes to online storyboards and webnovels so I'd really appreciate if you'd be willing to review a novel I'm working on.
www.scribblehub.com
I'm new here and in general when it comes to online storyboards and webnovels so I'd really appreciate if you'd be willing to review a novel I'm working on.
The Crystal – A Cyberpunk Mystery
In the neon-soaked, rain-drenched streets of Novus Aether, a city of splendor shadowing a world of despair, a former guardian finds himself summoned to the enigmatic Crystals. An invitation, simple yet profound, propels him into the heart of the metropolis's glittering dangers and whispered...