Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)

[PeacefulMyst]

It's a pretty generic start and I kind of suck (english is also my second language so that doesn't help either) but i'd love your thoughts on it, thanks!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W5V4SvjzpF70Ss0DJqLKHLXwRup5Yf1E9CbZJI8xf-o/edit?usp=sharing (i hope this is fine. im not publishing it currently..)

 

[HelloHound]

I've made a few changes to the beginning of my story, interested to see how they work in the eyes of a reader

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[RyujiSakamata]

While the intro post to the second thread no longer states, explicitiy, that I will read the first chapter unless specifically asked or directed otherwise, you 1) didn't provide a specific chapter link, and 2) don't understand what a prologue is, as a prologue shouldn't be necessary to understand the story.

There's probably been a severity power creep over the years. RATING: Middle of the Road so Would Not Keep Reading.

THE GOOD

Structurally, I think you have a really good set up here. We start with an introduction to the character and you have a nice push and pull with the portal fantasy where they are down on thier luck but finally about to make it before that gets stripped away.

I also perked up a bit when they got the note saying they were going to be murdered. It was an interesting wrinkle and added some intrigue and excitement.

I also think it's very readable. Even though it's a bit flat, it's technically well done and easy to read, so while I wasn't necessarily entertained at all times, I got through it just fine.

CRITIQUE

A lot of the writing is a bit reptitive/ flat. Take the start: you have several paragarphs setting the mood and seting as gray and rainy. You could edit that down without losing a drop of meaning.

The other way to play would just be upwrite it, include way more meaning and subtext. But as is with the amount of actual information, it could be about 60% as long as it is right now-- just guestimating.

OVERALL

Decent. I think you have several elements that work here and just need to present the story a tad bit better.

I liked your review! You mentioned the technical things I should work on. Thank you very much.

Btw, are you still willing to check my other work as well, since I only had the first chapter?

Cosplay Elf: Another World Elf’s Journey as My Little Sister and a Cosplayer

Kou is a high school student who is a tough cosplay critic and is determined to manage his favorite cosplayer, Mimirin. His skills make companies chase him for a management offer, but he rejects it all. However, when Mimirin quits the industry, Kou feels lost and is determined to bring...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

I can use feedback to get better, if this is okay:

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/860302/a-rats-problems/

RATING: Back to basics.

I read about a page and really didn't know what was going on. We start with a bug (overly detailed with empahsis on weird places), but then it gets. . .eaten after a hand grabs it? And the Pov swaps at "I have a brother." So i'm obviously thinking human, but don't understand what the bug signified or how it factors in.

But then the "girl" is in a tunnel and she ate the bug? Ratcatcher is the girl? And Ratcatcher is a rat?. . . with hands? But then she has a human eye??? But that can't be right, because it says "Normal-looking", anda human eye isn't normal for a rat nor would it even fit.

It's one of the most confusion intros to a story I've ever read. Even when I don't understand things normally I can make a pretty good guess, but even that's out the window here. Off of page one, it's about a rat and I think-- think-- the writer is using poor word choices and descriptors to muddy it.

OVERALL

Maybe it gets better, but I couldn't follow a word.

I've made a few changes to the beginning of my story, interested to see how they work in the eyes of a reader

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Would not Keep Reading.

We should definitely start with a positive here and say that you're going in the right direction. Take the first paragraph, you use lots of descriptive language and paint a picture. I don't think the descriptive language is good (e.g. Lava is hyperbolic and therefore lazy. You could craft better and more accurate imagry without overdoing it. This is important when you have very strong imagry like the black cubes. I assumed based on your previous use of language that it was hyperbolic of something). But you understand, in principle, things you need to include when writing. Just gotta hone that.

I also think your chapter suffers from the lack of any solid information. Anything we take from this is a complete guesss. I think I know what the setup is, but then again maybe not. If it was written to the 9's, that might work.

And perhaps the biggest issue is the lack of characterization. We have learned nothing about your MC by the end of the chapter. The draw is entirely the situation, but once again, the situation isn't relatable or all that understandable.

OVERALL

This could go one of two ways. Either it solidifies and we know what's happening, or it leans into the almost dream like quality and lack of explanation with some very, very good writing that evokes someting in the reader.

super interesting, would love to see your opinion on my first chapter!

Girlguide: A Girl’s Guide To Writing Female Characters!

Kai, an aspiring light novel author, has always had his path to success hindered by his inability to write female characters. However, everything changes when he wakes up one day as a young girl. This change becomes his chance to gain a deeper understanding of women, hoping to take his...

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Middle of the Road so wouldn't keep going.

I don't think we get much past the premise. It's easy to read and get through without any highs or lows. I was hoping for straight comedy or witty observations since we seemed to be in that neighbourhood, but. . . it was even keeled. I suppose the humor is supposed to be derived from the premise; we find this entertaining because the premis is fun?

The only real moment that grabbed me was the flashback which was such an overt moral lesson to be learned/ bettering of character.

OVERALL

I haven't seen this done too much and the idea could be fun, but this chapter is relying completely on that. It's mostly wasted oppurtunity, but I wasn't mad at it. Just, use your space a bit more efficiently. Say more things; you're at you're best when you're showing us your view point.

It's a pretty generic start and I kind of suck (english is also my second language so that doesn't help either) but i'd love your thoughts on it, thanks!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W5V4SvjzpF70Ss0DJqLKHLXwRup5Yf1E9CbZJI8xf-o/edit?usp=sharing (i hope this is fine. im not publishing it currently..)

RATING: Would Keep Reading

Let's address the ESL first. It's perfectly understandable and if you hadn't told me, I wouldn't have noticed. I even think you're selling yourself short on the 'generic' aspect. It starts extremeley generic but it doesn't stay in familiar places for all that long. From start to finish, this is a rampup-- becoming more interesting with every page, and the end was a fun hook. I'm on board.

The issue and the truely 'generic' part was some of the writing. You're character will just say exposition about what's going on or what they are feeling. It's unnatural and obvious. To the extent that it adds information, it could simply be written in a more active and interesting way.

He had long red hair. This was a bit concerning however, not only because the red colour looked like blood, but because he did not have long hair when he went to bed.

His eyes quickly turned towards his hands, which were covered with warm blood. Sure enough, something was wrong.

See what I mean? You're just squeezing in information. I can buy that he would be distracted with long hair, but how is he focused on the color of hair (no mirror so just looking at it resting on his shoulder or something?) It's warm, liquid blood. Why wouldn't he notice something wet but then get distracted by having longer hair now? And that really draws the audience in because we are given a mystery and forced to contemplate and wait for the answer.

And the structure is really drawn out. We have two paragraphs talking about hair and then blood is mentioned in the next two paragraphs. Simplify and create more of an experience.

OVERALL

The writing is on the weaker side, but I'm otherwise on board.


And this thread is what you call a straight.

 

[kaisei]

Thanks for providing feedback! This is a project I'm working on at the moment. :)

The Novel[ist] Dead - 1. Death of the Author | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[AlmondCrushPocky]

Some feedback would be nice. Please take your time and hydrate.

Reincarnated as the Homunculus Queen [LitRPG Kingdom]

The year is 25 A.E., 25 years after The Empire united the human nations under its rule, wielding an arsenal of holy weapons known as homunculi. These magical beings, brimming with immense mana reserves, have been enslaved to serve as power sources and instruments of war. The Empire's grip...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

I liked your review! You mentioned the technical things I should work on. Thank you very much.

Btw, are you still willing to check my other work as well, since I only had the first chapter?

Cosplay Elf: Another World Elf’s Journey as My Little Sister and a Cosplayer

Kou is a high school student who is a tough cosplay critic and is determined to manage his favorite cosplayer, Mimirin. His skills make companies chase him for a management offer, but he rejects it all. However, when Mimirin quits the industry, Kou feels lost and is determined to bring...

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Would not Keep Reading.

I want to address your opening paragraph: Resting calms me down. It’s the golden chain that connects my body to my bed, my nirvana. This is the kind of thing I'm looking for in writing ability. . . in theory. Crafting a unique picture, metaphor. HOWEVER, the problem is we run into poorly written artistic descriptions. "Sleep is the golden chain that connects me to my bed" is utter nonsense. To be clear, I do prefer you trying this imagry as opposed to being boring. Just take it a step further now.

Now I normally despise chapters that start with sleeping, but you use this to create the relationship between mother and daughter and there's some real energy here. It's not necessary, but it's good that you can take a pointless idea and make it entertaining. The writing is still really wonky. You say a lot of things that just don't mean what they should: Together with gravity, . . . Gravity has zero to do with a person swinging a heavy metal object downwards. Not only that but swinging or using a very effocative verb there would be stronger. I don't want you to lose these absent minded observations, it's your style and it helps with the energy, but they need to be logical or at least feel right.

And that's pretty much my opinion on the piece. It's pretty spastic and all over the place, but you try real hard. I don't think it sustains itself, I was exhausted pretty fast and could use more focus. Also the humor got . . . mmmm. That whole "boobs are muscles" scene was kind of just pathetic; I say this while fully recognizing that this type of humor exists.

OVERALL

If I had adhd, I might like it, so there could be an audience.

 

[RyujiSakamata]

If I had adhd, I might like it

I'm quite grateful for your honest feedback. I'm expecting that you will note most of my technical mistakes like what you did in my first story, but was involving mental disorder patients that necessary? Don't you think it was over the line? If I followed your logic, you're telling my readers that they had ADHD which you took lightly.

I'm sorry, but I'm offended not by your feedback but by you stepping over the line. ADHD was a disorder that shouldn't be taken lightly.

 

[TheTrinary]

I'm quite grateful for your honest feedback. I'm expecting that you will note most of my technical mistakes like what you did in my first story, but was involving mental disorder patients that necessary? Don't you think it was over the line? If I followed your logic, you're telling my readers that they had ADHD which you took lightly.

I'm sorry, but I'm offended not by your feedback but by you stepping over the line. ADHD was a disorder that shouldn't be taken lightly.

It's a disorder, but it's also something that has definitive characteristics that are at least vaguely understood by the masses. And unlike the traditional disorder that people love to use as an insult, ADHD's characterstic of fast association doesn't have a stigma of being negative. There are clinical cases where the treatment of ADHD has been reported to be detriminal in some ways or create a feeling of loss creatively. Not that there is a net loss with treatment.

In the most literal sense, disorders are any mental tendancies that are considered disruptive outside the associated cultural expectations. Those tendancies may have a chemical, genetic, behavior, etc. component, but the basic definitions under the DSM could arguably be social contructs. The symptoms of ADHD could useful or beneficial in another time or society.

The problem here is that you see a description with the word "disorder" and immeadiatly assume that what is being said is an insult or must be derrogatory. I don't think there's an attempt to use the word as I've invited you to or engage with any substantial meaning that is being conveyed.

I could describe things in less colorful terms, but then I could also just use the most grey, boring, cut-to-the-chase phrasing there is. Any metaphor, simile, hyperbole, or anything that requires interpretation can be taken poorly if the reader is looking to be offended or is unwilling to read the meaning as written.

For example: based on what you just wrote, all people who have ADHD are mental patients. Ouch. Or that having ADHD is insulting? It's what you wrote; it's right there. But obviously I'm not going to throw that in your face because I understand in context what you probably meant. Likewise, I think it's mean spirited to interpret my quasi-hyperbolic "This story skews towards those with ADHD" as offensive.

But hey, meaning is shifty. It moves and changes, so if you think I'm off base feel free to explain. Not the first time I've had to change words I use.

EDIT: Therein, I'd like to draw our attention to some 90's terms. Like gay as a descriptor. While certain things are associated with the gay community stronger than others, it was unambiguously a word that was used for things that were bad or had some negative value. When someone said "That's gay" in 1999, that were inviting you to use the word as inherently derogative and not just with the possible social implications you could semantics out.

ADHD? I don't think anyone uses it as bad or even negative.



PS. Do you even know anyone with ADHD? Those guys can't pay attention long enough to be offended. Funnnnyyyyyyyyy jooooookeeeeeeeee

 

[PeacefulMyst]

I haven't seen this done too much and the idea could be fun, but this chapter is relying completely on that. It's mostly wasted oppurtunity, but I wasn't mad at it. Just, use your space a bit more efficiently. Say more things; you're at you're best when you're showing us your view point.
RATING: Would Keep Reading

Let's address the ESL first. It's perfectly understandable and if you hadn't told me, I wouldn't have noticed. I even think you're selling yourself short on the 'generic' aspect. It starts extremeley generic but it doesn't stay in familiar places for all that long. From start to finish, this is a rampup-- becoming more interesting with every page, and the end was a fun hook. I'm on board.

The issue and the truely 'generic' part was some of the writing. You're character will just say exposition about what's going on or what they are feeling. It's unnatural and obvious. To the extent that it adds information, it could simply be written in a more active and interesting way.

He had long red hair. This was a bit concerning however, not only because the red colour looked like blood, but because he did not have long hair when he went to bed.

His eyes quickly turned towards his hands, which were covered with warm blood. Sure enough, something was wrong.

See what I mean? You're just squeezing in information. I can buy that he would be distracted with long hair, but how is he focused on the color of hair (no mirror so just looking at it resting on his shoulder or something?) It's warm, liquid blood. Why wouldn't he notice something wet but then get distracted by having longer hair now? And that really draws the audience in because we are given a mystery and forced to contemplate and wait for the answer.

And the structure is really drawn out. We have two paragraphs talking about hair and then blood is mentioned in the next two paragraphs. Simplify and create more of an experience.

OVERALL

The writing is on the weaker side, but I'm otherwise on board.

oh damn. Thanks alot! I'll try my best to improve on the writing!

 

[Para23]

Hey! Thanks for hosting! I'd appreciate some feedback if you have the time, thank you!

Scripted Fate

The off rhythm tick of a clock, and the acidic smell of blood. A lifeless body, and a letter, blood seeping into the floor of an inn I had no memory of. And a revolver, clutched in my own hand. In an age of churning gears and steam engines that...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[RestuIbu]

Hello! I'm new to this site! Would love to hear some feedback from the folks here! Feel free to check it out if you have time!
THAUMATURGY [AN EPIC PROGRESSION FANTASY] | Scribble Hub

 

[TheTrinary]

Thanks for providing feedback! This is a project I'm working on at the moment. :)

The Novel[ist] Dead - 1. Death of the Author | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Would keep reading.

My expectations were exceeding in pretty much every way. I expected another tropey, Japense portal fantasy that would be meta, and what I got was in theory that, altough it would be a disservice to call it tropey. The first chapter idea seemed to introduce the portal fantasy element and there was that meta element, but the execution of these was so unique and completely stood out from anything I've read.

Structurally, people always feel hemmed in by their first chapter for portal fantasy and it becomes boring and same-y. I always say you can do anything, and I would hold up your piece as an example of that. If you take out the ending it still feels like the real start to a story because you built things up, focused on characters and even themes.

TWO CRITIQUES (Maybe 1.5)

The start was a little jarring with the literal information. You say he didn't return the 13th call, but then it seems he hasn't made the 13th call? I can't tell if you are starting ahead then jumping back, flubbed the phrasing, or what's going on.

That was the one, this is the .5. The writing is strained. You never go over that cusp of being annoying, bloated, or overwritten, but it feels like you're flittering with it. For the moment that's fine, but I just wanted to acknowledge that while things like the begging vs. demanding attention were interesting, it was exactly strong. It said enough even though it was elegantly put. Which kind of makes it more interesting, because I don't know if the author is incredibly intelligent and not wanting to hold my hand or is just vague because the ideas are fuzzy in their own brain. It's simultaneously a help and a hurt and I won't know which until the writing goes on.

It could also be ESL, which in that case I love it because then it's the translation of ideas from one language or culture. Sapir-Whorf-esque.

OVERALL

Great chapter. You frequently nail how to write prose, weaving in meaningful details and asides. There's a question in my mind about the actual amount of meaning present, but I would be happy to find out.

 

[TheTrinary]

Some feedback would be nice. Please take your time and hydrate.

Reincarnated as the Homunculus Queen [LitRPG Kingdom]

The year is 25 A.E., 25 years after The Empire united the human nations under its rule, wielding an arsenal of holy weapons known as homunculi. These magical beings, brimming with immense mana reserves, have been enslaved to serve as power sources and instruments of war. The Empire's grip...

www.scribblehub.com

Rating: Middle of the road so would not keep reading.

My favorite part was your comment here about hydration. On its own that's cute, but then it turns out the first half of the chapter the character is in a bacta tank or something, so I'm wondering if it was intentionally connective.

Outside of that, it's completely unoffensive and I have almost no comment to make either good or bad. I'm not sure I'm supposed to connect to or be entertained by specifically. I had the thought that if I had read the two prologues, that would help, but then again, I feel like you shouldn't need that to have a character voice.

And it's not as bad as you're probably reading into this comment. It's middle of the road because it didn't fall into several of the traps and cliches I was expecting. It just didn't do much beyond that.

Hey! Thanks for hosting! I'd appreciate some feedback if you have the time, thank you!

Scripted Fate

The off rhythm tick of a clock, and the acidic smell of blood. A lifeless body, and a letter, blood seeping into the floor of an inn I had no memory of. And a revolver, clutched in my own hand. In an age of churning gears and steam engines that...

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Middle of the Road so Would not Keep Reading.

THE GOOD

I definitely feel the need to highlihgt what you did right here since a lot of the elements work. I like the mysterious set up, you try real hard with the descriptive language, and in particular, you bring the readers attention-- quite blatantly-- to several big pieces of information. Like the word eclipse or the locked room. There are a lot of clues and set-ups here that you make sure reader is cogniscent of, and I really like that because as a reader, I want to play along with the mystery and figure things out.

CRITIQUE-ERINO

You take the descriptive language to a point where it becomes inefficient. It should never distract from what's happening. I think eight or so paragraphs in? I stopped to myself and said "This should have all been one paragraph." You're in this mindset that showing is everything, but even Jesus has got places to be. A certain level of terseness will keep the pace up and the reader engaged.

And I think the POV gets folded into this issue. A lot of thoughts, a lot of observations and sensations. You DO want to establish a strong character voice, but there's a difference between that and white noise. I don't feel like this is an exceptionally written character, just that there are a lot of attempts to establish character. Or maybe not even that. Per the above, so much of what's here feels absent of intent and just burning through space without accomplishing anything.

And like, I'm not sure what it's doing sometimes. You don't establish where we are or how we got here. So when you say "A gunshot, someone must have heard it." Based on what? How do you know that? He was even questioning if it was a prank at one point and we still don't know what kind of building he's in.


OVERALL

I feel like you could cut 40% of this out and lose nothing. Less wordy and more definite description. Start with that and then turn it into something pretty.

Hello! I'm new to this site! Would love to hear some feedback from the folks here! Feel free to check it out if you have time!
THAUMATURGY [AN EPIC PROGRESSION FANTASY] | Scribble Hub

RATING: Would not keep reading.

I kind of like the start to this chapter because my initial reaction to the first couple of sentences is "This is kind of stupid; if this isn't an in universe story for small children, then this is completely unacceptable." And that's exaclty what it was. And your presentation therin worked. It was smart to reveal that in paragraph two, because I can so easily imagine someone just writing that out and then trying to frame it. Context is good.

Likewise, I think the end of this chapter worked. The kids engaging with the story is far more interesting than the story itself.

BUTTTTTTTTT....

Here's my issue and I'll start with another compliment anyway. Based on the above, I kind of expect that the rest of the story could be well written. But I'm just evaluating the first chapter here, and as a first chapter, this is horribly boring. You are essentially using this framing device to espouse prologue exposition, and it's about as exciting as learning about history in a classroom is.

Normally the framing device you're using is done to accomplish a discrete goal. Get out a tiny bit of information, like at the close of a story or just some themes or important information. You're abusing it by trying to literally sit us down and tell us a whole story. That could be interesting (and highly difficult) if you weave in a plot with the children watching and construct a narrative that plays off the 'narrative', but realistically, I can't see this chapter working unless you use this story as a jumping off point (I'm talking two paragraphs, maybe three max given your presentation" and then building a chapter plot from there.

OVERALL

Bit of a contrarian opinion on this one-- contrarion with myself, because I both think that you are fairly good at writing and could write well going forward, but also that this is a boring idea for a chapter.

 

[LowinKeshin]

Hi @TheTrinary, I would like to hear some of your feedback. Hopefully, I improved with my dialogue this time since you pointed it as my weakness last time. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/864352/the-dungeon-beyond-the-barren-hill/

 

[CrimsonGenius]

Power of the Elements: Recharge

Jake Ishida expected ordinary days when he moved to a new city. He did not expect the mysterious warrior, Pilot, to give him a strange crystal. The crystal transforms him into the Fire Radiant, a warrior of order. Now, he must learn how to utilize his new powers to fight...

www.scribblehub.com

If you want to check it out.

 

[yinjenxie]

Hola. I hope this gets your attention despite your busy review schedules. I have tried removing "gamey" elements and wanted to focus on the narrative. I want to see my performance this time. Thanks in advance.

Planet Breaker

The Universe holds many dark and untold secrets. Secrets that the conscious mind had longed searching in places. A star that has fallen into a mystery-filled planet. Leading him to the heritage of his very existence. Technology. Power. Hegemony. Truth. All the wonders, the dreams of every common...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[RestuIbu]

Rating: Middle of the road so would not keep reading.

My favorite part was your comment here about hydration. On its own that's cute, but then it turns out the first half of the chapter the character is in a bacta tank or something, so I'm wondering if it was intentionally connective.

Outside of that, it's completely unoffensive and I have almost no comment to make either good or bad. I'm not sure I'm supposed to connect to or be entertained by specifically. I had the thought that if I had read the two prologues, that would help, but then again, I feel like you shouldn't need that to have a character voice.

And it's not as bad as you're probably reading into this comment. It's middle of the road because it didn't fall into several of the traps and cliches I was expecting. It just didn't do much beyond that.

RATING: Middle of the Road so Would not Keep Reading.

THE GOOD

I definitely feel the need to highlihgt what you did right here since a lot of the elements work. I like the mysterious set up, you try real hard with the descriptive language, and in particular, you bring the readers attention-- quite blatantly-- to several big pieces of information. Like the word eclipse or the locked room. There are a lot of clues and set-ups here that you make sure reader is cogniscent of, and I really like that because as a reader, I want to play along with the mystery and figure things out.

CRITIQUE-ERINO

You take the descriptive language to a point where it becomes inefficient. It should never distract from what's happening. I think eight or so paragraphs in? I stopped to myself and said "This should have all been one paragraph." You're in this mindset that showing is everything, but even Jesus has got places to be. A certain level of terseness will keep the pace up and the reader engaged.

And I think the POV gets folded into this issue. A lot of thoughts, a lot of observations and sensations. You DO want to establish a strong character voice, but there's a difference between that and white noise. I don't feel like this is an exceptionally written character, just that there are a lot of attempts to establish character. Or maybe not even that. Per the above, so much of what's here feels absent of intent and just burning through space without accomplishing anything.

And like, I'm not sure what it's doing sometimes. You don't establish where we are or how we got here. So when you say "A gunshot, someone must have heard it." Based on what? How do you know that? He was even questioning if it was a prank at one point and we still don't know what kind of building he's in.


OVERALL

I feel like you could cut 40% of this out and lose nothing. Less wordy and more definite description. Start with that and then turn it into something pretty.

RATING: Would not keep reading.

I kind of like the start to this chapter because my initial reaction to the first couple of sentences is "This is kind of stupid; if this isn't an in universe story for small children, then this is completely unacceptable." And that's exaclty what it was. And your presentation therin worked. It was smart to reveal that in paragraph two, because I can so easily imagine someone just writing that out and then trying to frame it. Context is good.

Likewise, I think the end of this chapter worked. The kids engaging with the story is far more interesting than the story itself.

BUTTTTTTTTT....

Here's my issue and I'll start with another compliment anyway. Based on the above, I kind of expect that the rest of the story could be well written. But I'm just evaluating the first chapter here, and as a first chapter, this is horribly boring. You are essentially using this framing device to espouse prologue exposition, and it's about as exciting as learning about history in a classroom is.

Normally the framing device you're using is done to accomplish a discrete goal. Get out a tiny bit of information, like at the close of a story or just some themes or important information. You're abusing it by trying to literally sit us down and tell us a whole story. That could be interesting (and highly difficult) if you weave in a plot with the children watching and construct a narrative that plays off the 'narrative', but realistically, I can't see this chapter working unless you use this story as a jumping off point (I'm talking two paragraphs, maybe three max given your presentation" and then building a chapter plot from there.

OVERALL

Bit of a contrarian opinion on this one-- contrarion with myself, because I both think that you are fairly good at writing and could write well going forward, but also that this is a boring idea for a chapter.

Thank you for the feedback! The framing narrative used in it is actually specialized for the foreshadowing for the bigger plot onwards, but I was struggling with whether to keep it or not because while I'm pretty much content, the first chapter needs to make some good impression in the webnovel, and some would say it's an interesting opening and some say it's just a gimmick for info dump. By "some", it is a very few amount of readers so I'm in search of more validation to keep the idea or not. I'll consider your suggestion. Cheers!

 

[TheTrinary]

Thank you for the feedback! The framing narrative used in it is actually specialized for the foreshadowing for the bigger plot onwards, but I was struggling with whether to keep it or not because while I'm pretty much content, the first chapter needs to make some good impression in the webnovel, and some would say it's an interesting opening and some say it's just a gimmick for info dump. By "some", it is a very few amount of readers so I'm in search of more validation to keep the idea or not. I'll consider your suggestion. Cheers!

When it comes to any given idea in writing, it's safe to say that there's a way to make it work. If you're keen on it, consider making adjustments. And if you don't know how to do that, a great place to start is finding someone who did it well and figure out what they did different.

 

[TheTrinary]

Hi @TheTrinary, I would like to hear some of your feedback. Hopefully, I improved with my dialogue this time since you pointed it as my weakness last time. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/864352/the-dungeon-beyond-the-barren-hill/

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

To set the stage, I was actually excited to read something from you again. While I found some of your dialogue janky as I recall (and you've noted) it was interesting, had unique ideas and a different sort of feel and kept me engaged.

The present piece is almost a direct contrast to that. The dialogue is acceptable enough and you even had one line that I really liked "Lad, that's courting." But I found it otherwise bland and uniteresting. It would be easy to write things off and say that I've seen this before, but plenty of things I've seen before can still be engaging or otherwise well written.

This isn't a conflict or premise driven chapter, all we have are the characters. And true, if you nail that, it's enough, but I think it's all fairly boiler plate. In context, I would almost call it a writing excercise to focus on dialouge that went "okay".

I don't want to beluiger the point and go in to much, so let's just look at the first page or so. What is the reader supposed to get out of the first three hundred words? You establish the scene with a stuck wagon. It's a conflict, but it's not what the chapter is about and it's inconsequential anyway. There aren't any stakes or danger or consequences, it's just a mundane chore people are doing. Including the shorter bits and dialogue, it's 12 paragraphs spanning content that could be summarized in maybe two sentences.

Passing over the guff: this is your actual start to character building and speaking:

“I thought you retired, Rodenth,” remarked a man.

“Nay, what kind of man am I if a geezer hasn’t retired yet?” Rodenth replied, sitting on the sand.

“Is that how they’ve shown respect for their elders?”

“Aye, screw their etiquettes,” spat Rodenth. “Besides, you despised being addressed as master.”

I might have given more credit than it was due, because just rereading this, I'm realizing that it's a bit nonsensical in order. You don't establish that the speaker is white haired and wrinkled until after this dialgoue, so to the reader that doesn't make any sense. We dont' know who you are talking about when saying geezer, and in the context of being asked about retirement, it confuses us because ostensiablly Rodenth is the only 'geezer' here.

And it's a shame, because as bland as this start is, there is meat on that bone you just aren't pulling out. Set the scene with the wagon, and then have these two guys sit down because they're tired and can't help anymore. Then they discuss old age, being an adevnturer when you're seventy, stuff like that. And obviously that's not the only path; I'm pulling out what I could find interesting about this set up. How does an elderly night or what-have-you function in this kind of world, he's no Gandalf.

And that conversation can include some of the world building in the first twelve paragraphs. Going to a dungeon isn't interesting. Sorry, it just isn't. BUT, it may be interesting in the context of a person's relationship to it, especially if they have a unique perspective or conflict such as old age.

I digress.

Power of the Elements: Recharge

Jake Ishida expected ordinary days when he moved to a new city. He did not expect the mysterious warrior, Pilot, to give him a strange crystal. The crystal transforms him into the Fire Radiant, a warrior of order. Now, he must learn how to utilize his new powers to fight...

www.scribblehub.com

If you want to check it out.

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

There's writing and story telling. Let's address them sperately.

WRITING

Typically within the first paragraph, I can accurately evaluate someone's ability to write. My overall experience doesn't always depend on that evaluating, but it gives me a good indicator if I'm in for a bad time. Your first paragraph made me very worried.

In a dark room, a red crystal hovered above a red pedestal, glowing intensely as though commanding the darkness to back away. While not a part of the verb phrase, glowing is a gerun and functionally acting as a verb. I preface it this way because you shouldn't use adverbs. Why glowing intensely? Why not radiating? Why not shine? Or just convert it into a DO and describe the effect that way. And finally, the artistic language you use "as though commanding the dark to back away" is pretty weak. I have no better understanding of the lighting and nothing about the phrasing strikes me as clever or inventive. You should attempt heightened language that paints a picture, but you should also try.

Across the room, a door opened by retracting into the ceiling, revealing two silhouettes. Across what room. What is across. You haven't established a scene so the spacial language is wasted. The idea that the door retracts into the cieling makes no sense. Retracts into the door frame? How does a door retract into a cieiling? And then you lead with this intentionally vague and useless introduction of two people. You immeaditately reveal that they are people (or so). The duo immediately approached the crystal. Once they were close, its light revealed their most defining feature: long ears similar to elves. You're using a lot of words when much fewer would do. I understand that you are tyring to be dramatic, framing things to buid up tension and create a dramatic reveal; however, that requires the writer to no be obtuse. When you use words like "two sihouettes" you are creating anticipation or mystery, you are communicating to the reader that you are intentionally witholding information, because your phrasing exists for no purpose outside of creating a mystery.

And that's fairly indicative of the piece as a whole. I thin you should go through and pick up every word, inspect it. Ask why you put it there, decide what is needed and what is not.

SOTRY TELLING

Going to surprise you and say that I think the first seciton worked well. I'm not sure it was intentional, but given the premise of the "Elements" the vague conversation that could have been annoying was instead the right amount of tipping your hand.

The next section I mostly liked in concept. We get some information conveyed through dialogue and we get moved out of the house organically. It's a little aimless, but I'm not going to get made at it in web novel form.

Section 3/5 This is where you shine. I have to imagine this type of writing was more influenced by teleivision/movies but it works. Writers often get too bogged down in a POV or sequence of time feeling the need to show everything, and that's boring. You need to cut ahead, cut the boring parts, or just cut to a scene that's more interesting. These added scope and direction that would be hard to infuse by following our main character.

The other 2 sections: There are elements I liked but there's a lot of bloat which makes them rough given the writing.

OVERALL

There are elements here that work, but I think you have two massive problems. First is the writing. Even when you are presenting ideas I like, I don't think any of them are well conveyed. In fact, the shorter you focus on something the proprotionally better it is. Which does bring me to my second point in that this is just way too long. It's partially an artifact of the writing and I didn't measure it, but it needs to be cut down.

Hola. I hope this gets your attention despite your busy review schedules. I have tried removing "gamey" elements and wanted to focus on the narrative. I want to see my performance this time. Thanks in advance.

Planet Breaker

The Universe holds many dark and untold secrets. Secrets that the conscious mind had longed searching in places. A star that has fallen into a mystery-filled planet. Leading him to the heritage of his very existence. Technology. Power. Hegemony. Truth. All the wonders, the dreams of every common...

www.scribblehub.com

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

This is another one that just puts its not-best-foot forward.

The ever-dark universe loomed in the clear spaceship glass at the edge of the hallway. Very choppy and akward sentence to start us off. I really like the "ever-dark universe", but the rest is odd. Really odd. You're trying to say (in a creative way), that they are on a spaceship. But what is the significance of the hallway? If we're in the hallway, why do we need clarify that the windows on at the "edge", aka on the outside of the ship? There's just a lot of obvious or redundant thigns being said here. And the cadence is bizarre. every noun has a qualifer which makes it read weird. Dark universe, clear spachsip glass, edge of the hallway. "The ever-dark universe envoloped the spaceship." Done, what information do we lose? Stars twinkled in rhythm around the horizon, providing little interest to the people on board. If stars are twinkling, it's not really ever dark. What do you think horizion means? Why are you pointing out a fact and then telling us it isn't an interesting fact? That would only work if the fact was intrensically interesting, because then we would understand that means something when people aren't interested. We'd be forced to make infrences.

The massive spaceship flew through space like a free bird, but this liberty was non-existent for those on the spaceship's cramped bridge. I appreciate the attempt at artful language and simile but it's not strong. It's almost like a rough draft of a clever idea. I recognize and appreciated the juxpaostion you're pointing out here, I just think it could be punched up.

A large digital screen hung at the center, where three people could be seen frantically moving their hands around and doing calculations. Why are the actors described passively? There, three people frantically moved their hands along large digital screens doing calculations.

And on it goes. I got maybe two pages in before giving up. There was some information conveyed and the glimmer of a plot, but it just got too comprehensible and I gave up: There is some sort of hive alien species the federation is at war with. The captain sees ships? He or someone else presses a button (I guess they have a giant red button for this or something) and the ship enters combat mode. Now at this point, we haven't been described the ships, we don't have the ability to evaluate the situation ourselves, we just know that someone, somewhere pressed a button because they perceived a threat.

And let me be clear, that threat is incredibly vague beacuse there's so much infroamtion about radars, and EM, and freuqnecies, and even the visual component, that I have no idea what the basis for considering the ships hostile is.

BUT THEN it stops and says "Those hostile ships are Federation." I presumed they were hostile based on them being alien ships. How else would you know they are hostile unless they are alien? So basically someone said 'those friendly ships are hostile'. But then, what was the basis for declaring them hostile.

It's poorly thought out. There isnt' much thought at all into how space works. You say horizion. You describe ships being south or west of other ships. I can't follow the logic. The captain says "Keep it up team." Is he a highschool quarterback? What person with a military command talks like that. (It would be an interset character bit if he was like a dude-bro or something if you could justify that, but nothing is here to support either his personality or his competency.

OVERALL

This actually made me mad, because not only does it poorly communicate with the reader, but the information that is communicated and understood makes me question almost every word and thought. It's like seeing someone paint a picture of the sun, except it's a triangle. Like, have you stepped outside? It's supposed to be a circle. Give me the paint brush; it's supposed to be a circle.