Yo, you still doing reviews? If so could you please do mine?
Ah, being a Mercenary, it's like being a soldier except more fun, and you don't have to care about silly things like 'not blowing up a children's hospital' Follow a team of ten totally unprofessional soldiers of fortune as people throw money at them to solve tasks that range from...
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RATING: Would not Keep Reading
THE GOOD
There's some style there and the writing isn't flat. I could see this in the proper context being very strong. And that is a big compliment because things like voice and style are the hardest to learn.
You also had one line I really liked about the flag saluting. I didn't quite understand the tone of the work to appreciate it all the way, but I liked it.
THE CRITIQUE
The start accurately portrays the story. There's some fun style here and a good attempt but it's also presented not so great. The transition between paragraphs one and two is janky with you restating information we already know. The reader assumed it was Jenny speaking because that's the only character you described.
A bit more lofty, but I think it sets up some odd expectations and questions. The title says Mercenary, the first paragraph is about mercenary, but then it's teenagers hanging out or something? Tonally it's very odd. I think I understand the idea, bring in some motiffs from where we're headed, but in practice there's a weird disconnect because she isn't there story wise. . . or I guess she is? I don't think of young person in Texas with mercenary. Mercenary makes me think of foreign soldiers and fantasy worlds.
I'll be honest. I didn't manage to make it halfway. The start of this story is very dull and that's an execution issue, not an idea. Your MC walks around and meets a ton of people doing thier thing. In the writer's head, I could see this working because these characters are fleshed out and you love them. Not so much with the reader.
We're given tidbits of dialogue and it's essentially just character exposition. Nobody wants anything, no body makes any choices that inform their character. It's the writer just rattling off these characters as a fact sheet hoping we memorize them.
And this is where i need to be really clear, because the advice I give out more than anything for first chapters is to build up characters, and that's why we need to differentiate it here. We don't have characters being built up, we have characters being exposited. To work in this current format, you would need to absolutely nail every relatability element at every turn, like some Pratchett observational witisism.
OVERALL
Everything I read was almost a blank canvas in terms of advice. You could do A LOT with that space in terms of story. I'd say just go through every little detail and ask yourself what is interesting about it. Paragraph 2 shows us Overalls, and that interaction is "You're board, go do something." What does that tell us about her character, what does that really add to the story that you wouldn't have if she wasn't there?
And so on.
I'd be happy if you could take a look at my novel,
The Seven Highways
Thank you very much (´꒳`)
Scary link. Stephen runs away from dark alleys.
Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia is a magical adventure that takes Amalia from the non-magical world of Elca to the magical Lita. When a dark curse crosses the boundaries between worlds and impacts Amalia's village, she learns that the curse is looking for her. The only way to stop...
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Always willing to hear some feedback!
Full marks for that cover. I could absolutely see that on a bookshelf.
So for Chapter 1:
RATING Would Keep Reading
THINGS I LOVED
You know what you wrote, but I just want to draw everyone else's attention here. Sentences 1 and 2 are immeadiately engaging, and they are about friggen leaves. Sentence 1 is a nice pastorl description. The topic is bland but it's nicely written and the last bit about detritous is engaging in the way that description can be, by focusing on something new that's not in my head. Great. And then sentence 2 comes along and wakes me up. I got a cozy blanket from the 1st sentence, and then you take it away: "We're focusing on what's different here." Everyone is out here writing about magic and portals and your writing about leaves is 10x more engaging because you are constantly pulling me to an unexpectd place.
THINGS I LIKED
Everything else goes into this column. After that starting paragraph, I was prepared for something amazing. It wasn't, but it was pretty good. It lacks that drawing element to the writing that really pulls you forward wether that be in character details, or plot or whathaveyou. The character elements are the best and there's (what I assume) to be a very intentionall fleshing out of things there, like you knew what you needed to have. Good and even interesting details that are slightly off the mark from being genuinely engaging.
If I'm being vague I'll try to explain now. That proffesional quality of not being obvious. You either use too many words in some areas so my brain plays catch up and gets ahead of where you're going, or the presentation of information is flat and needs to be sharpened. Example:
The mother catching on to her that she wasn't fixing pants in the woods. The MC says that and the reader says, that's an obvious lie. Then we get two paragraphs where we find out the mother thinks that too. But the thing is, that was my starting assumption (and everyone else's too), so you needed to curve us a bit, have the mother do or say something to make us think that she's buying it. Like. . . she smiles and brings her daughter in for a side hug, arm around her shoulder only to thing pluck the twig out. Obvious lie? Oh she's buying it? Oh, I was wrong, of course the mom is more clever than that.
Same way, that introduction and dagger exchange are unique ideas but also unusual, yet I didn't have the oppurtunity to play along and figure it out. More dynamism. Absent that, more overt attempts to entertain with the writing.
OVERALL
If it wasn't clear, I was giving advice at a higher level than just web novel. It's quite good for around here.