Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)

[TheTrinary]

Hey! I really did appreciate your honest and helpful feedback on my first story a couple of months ago. I've just started a sequel and now have a completed first chapter. I'd be most grateful for your insight, suggestions or general feedback on any improvement I could do to it.

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1083781-sixes-and-sevens/chapter/1083783/

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

GENERALLY

I really want to analyze the opening paragraph, so I'll just comment on things generally. It's very long and over written. Several pages in, I wasn't sure what the point of anything was. There is little to no characterization of the two characters or the enviroment. I guess you could say I didn't get it:

What is the characters relationship? How does the literal action on screen change or stress that dynamic? Between the start and them getting home, does anything of substance happen.

For example, the Dad seems to be a bit of a dick. What if we're told they have to get home before it gets dark or they might be in trouble with Dad. And then the little one getting stuck stresses their purpose. And you can weave some ominous anticipation about the dad.

LINE EDIT

The bare trees in the neighbourhood of Lawrence Avenue groaned and swayed in a bitterly chilly winter wind on the first afternoon of January. This is a poorly written sentnece. Gramatically it's fine, but there is no hierachy to the information. The writer seemingly wants to convey that there are trees in wind, it's winter, and it's January. No one of these facts seems more or less important than the other and there is no real logic why they would be put into the sentence like this. You could essentiall arrange any random three facts and it wouldn't change much. Pick the hero idea, and everything else supports it. If you want to describe trees, don't pull up a calendar to do so.

Although there wasn't a single flake of snow on the ground, the puddles had frozen into slippery patches of ice. The entire first half can go. If there is snow on the ground, obviously we aren't going to see frozen puddles. This is the same as the above. You're just throwing information at the reader for no particular reason. And now that we've stripped the start out, it kind of feels like "so what?" doesn't it.

The sound of the trees was momentarily drowned out by a dull rattle and clatter. Fun sound and meter, but you aren't saying anything. I have no idea what you're describing as a reader.

A slightly chubby eight year old boy in a puffy blue coat and smooth winter trousers trundled along the tarmac path astride a small red bike, with metal brackets and small plastic wheels on each side of the back wheel, his stabilizers, which loyally kept him balanced. So many words and ideas. Some not very sharp. I'll give you "trundled" but why tarmac path specifically? What does tarmac add outside of cramming a bunch of fancy words together. Same with astride. It's a triple tap here of words that aren't very needed in the first place. And then it just keeps going with modifiers and additional information. Why do we need to know about the brackets; we understand what training wheels are. Why loyally? Why not just call them training wheels, you do later. There's so much pretention in this single sentence that makes me ask: why would you present it this way unless your goal was to be obtuse.

Another much leaner not a good transition with all the qualifier. "Another" draws attention to similarity as you completely differentiate them. "Leaner" is almost pointless since the first kid is fat. You're basically saying someone who was not as fat which could be pretty much anything. Just start your sentence: A twelve year old boy. . . twelve year old boy paced along a few steps behind him, with his gaze firmly on the back wheel of the little bike as his companion rolled along the path. Actually like the interesting detail of him focusing on the wheel.

OVERALL

Gramatically solid, but substnatively empty. AI maybe? Having a hard time understanding even the most basic intent here.

Hey i am new on this site, i hope you can review the first chapter, the link is below

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/932868/shadow-world-i-realm-of-magic/

RATING: Would not keep reading.

Made it about a page so I'll just talk about the things:

A white almirah came into view, I thought this was a mythical creature or something at first but apparently it's furniture. Which begs the question: How does furniture come into view? It doesn't move. It's like you're writing a screen play and describing a camera pan. . . which isn't really how story prose works.

You start the story with your character waking up to an alarm. Boring. Every story does that and there is almost never a reason to. It's happened maybe twice since doing these threads where the choice was compeltely justified.

Dialogue: formatted like a screen play. I don't hate it on it's own surprisingly, but paired with the other problems it communicates a writing issue and not a stylistic choice. Plus you're going to lose out on some presentation by doing it that way.

The realization of time's tyranny jolted him into action. Just an awful sentence. I get that you want to use similee and metaphor (and by all rights you should) but this is purple. Don't sell the most mundane thing in the history of story writing as epic or exciting. It's a dumbass waking up late, not "time's tyranny".

OVERALL

Nothing in the first page that worked for me, plenty that didn't.

I love this thread! Please, give my humble first chapter a review.

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1090767-behemoth-bookworm-keeps-growing-stronger/chapter/1090769/

RATING: Would Keep Reading

THE GOOD

Great start. Lot's of personality. Loved the description of pecs as big as Bibles, that worked for me. Great start for a comedy, making me laugh a little.

Decent character voice. You obivously go for it and it's a little overbearing at times, but I'm going to say the majority goes in the good catagory.

Really liked the stat chart being used for muscles instead of Rpg stats. This almost implied to me that there might be a progression that would mirror the portal fantasy type stories we see around here which I found pretty funny. But then that turns into a more realistic bit of panic and medical concern which I also liked.

THE BAD

As I said, some of the character voice and language went wayyy overboard for me. At the point where you're giving a "doggo" "scritiches" that's a bit cringe. Like, that's the kind of language I would use if I was making fun of how people on the internet talk. Maybe if there was a level of sarcasm there? I don't know.

I was confused on the world building. You mention Bible and once being religious and I think, that's good characterbuilding. But then there are monster hunters on magazine pages? And Canada? I guess it's an alternative Earth? The dog is kind of fantastical? Really unclear what the idea is. You do mention monster hunters in P2 which is good, but almost if you combined the fantasy and reality together to make it clear. Like say they are on an American magazine. Then I would understand that the author is drawing these two elements together and there would be less ambiguity. Something to clarify.

OVERALL

Pretty fun. Definitely unique. Best of luck.

 

[Zenomew]

Happy new thread! can you pleas check out mine

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1096211/the-reincarnated-archmage-wants-to-learn-magic-circles/

 

[shadowniy]

I would also like some feedback

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1113453/apathy-of-the-universe-a-gods-tale--side-story/

 

[TheTrinary]

Well, let's give it a shot.
c

RATING: Would not keep reading.

THE GOOD

Strong opening. It has elements that make me feel like I was about to read a really cliche opening but the veer into mental health and what Il assumed was going to be a cliche being schizophrenic voices was awesome. Plus (heads up to all you cliche authors) this immeadiately puts in my head that the "dream" is absolutely real and something supernatural is being written off as mental health.

THE BAD

The surprises stop there. I didn't make it super far (it is long my dude), but it's slow and repetitive. We're holding on a point and I just think, who cares? Can something interesting be explored?

Let's analyze that because the core idea is solid after the opening. You intorduce more characters and have character beats. The teacher seems to be aware that there is some issue with the MC? The MC's family member is trying to explain and defend. Foundationally solid. Where you go astray is the execution.

From what I can tell, this happens a lot. But the teacher doesn't act like that? At first she did, but then she didn't. The dialgoue and information is boiler plate. Nothng the teacher says really tells me about their relationship. If you lead with a student insulting the MC and the teacher jumping in to protect, that would make more sense. Whatever you do, make it a well thoguht out idea with nuance. All that naunce and curving expectation I talked about in the start is gone for the characters.

The family member is at least sensible. She is a loving family member so she defends. Got it and accept it. Could do more with it, but that's an okay character beat. Where you lose me is by how not okay the MC is written. He doesn't seem to understand who his family member is? What the teacher teaches???

If he is so severely handicapped he can't even function and under who his sister is, why is he in school? And I'd go a step further and say that you are being dismissive. Instead of fleshing out important details you are hand waiving them away by stating the MC is so dumb he can't breath air. Dunno.

OVERALL

What ever promise presents at first gets absolutely buried in nonsense.

 

[xuduxixi]

I ask for your strict critique, esteemed person.

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1102414-i-became-a-starter-beast/chapter/1111763/

 

[MenmaAishi]

RATING: Would not keep reading.

THE GOOD

Strong opening. It has elements that make me feel like I was about to read a really cliche opening but the veer into mental health and what Il assumed was going to be a cliche being schizophrenic voices was awesome. Plus (heads up to all you cliche authors) this immeadiately puts in my head that the "dream" is absolutely real and something supernatural is being written off as mental health.

THE BAD

The surprises stop there. I didn't make it super far (it is long my dude), but it's slow and repetitive. We're holding on a point and I just think, who cares? Can something interesting be explored?

Let's analyze that because the core idea is solid after the opening. You intorduce more characters and have character beats. The teacher seems to be aware that there is some issue with the MC? The MC's family member is trying to explain and defend. Foundationally solid. Where you go astray is the execution.

From what I can tell, this happens a lot. But the teacher doesn't act like that? At first she did, but then she didn't. The dialgoue and information is boiler plate. Nothng the teacher says really tells me about their relationship. If you lead with a student insulting the MC and the teacher jumping in to protect, that would make more sense. Whatever you do, make it a well thoguht out idea with nuance. All that naunce and curving expectation I talked about in the start is gone for the characters.

The family member is at least sensible. She is a loving family member so she defends. Got it and accept it. Could do more with it, but that's an okay character beat. Where you lose me is by how not okay the MC is written. He doesn't seem to understand who his family member is? What the teacher teaches???

If he is so severely handicapped he can't even function and under who his sister is, why is he in school? And I'd go a step further and say that you are being dismissive. Instead of fleshing out important details you are hand waiving them away by stating the MC is so dumb he can't breath air. Dunno.

OVERALL

What ever promise presents at first gets absolutely buried in nonsense.

Thanks, 6 years of writing only to receive feedback like this every ducking time.
- 黙
れ

 

[Boundless]

Deeply appreciated if you (or someone else) will review my novel:

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/474537/the-powershifting-ability-is-convenient-even-in-another-world/

 

[TheTrinary]

Thanks, 6 years of writing only to receive feedback like this every ducking time.
- 黙
れ

Okay, explain the thought that went into those choices:

1) Why does he not know what his teacher teaches?
2) Why deoes he not know his relationship to his one family memeber?
3) What is his teacher's relationships with his "episodes"? Seen it before/ completely new. And then how does the text reflect the answer you give.

 

[MenmaAishi]

Okay, explain the thought that went into those choices:

1) Why does he not know what his teacher teaches?
2) Why deoes he not know his relationship to his one family memeber?
3) What is his teacher's relationships with his "episodes"? Seen it before/ completely new. And then how does the text reflect the answer you give.

Do you expect a book to give you all the answers in the first chapter? Like to explain everything in a limited amount of time and space?
To answer:
1) Shaky memory due to cognitive decline, this thing is explain in later chapters.
2) Also explained in later chapters.
3) Yes, the teacher has seen his episodes a few times before. I can't show them all in 1 chapter.

"And then how does the text reflect the answer you give."- I don't understand what this means? What is the point or context for this question?

The whole novel is undergoing a rewrite with most details getting rewritten.

I want feedback but most people I feel. You know what, forget it, you won't understand anyway. Why am I wasting my time and breath living and typing?

"If he is so severely handicapped he can't even function and under who his sister is, why is he in school? And I'd go a step further and say that you are being dismissive. Instead of fleshing out important details you are hand waiving them away by stating the MC is so dumb he can't breath air. Dunno." - This is my own experience, I am in the same spot as the MC and I am not in a facility. That part I can say is IRL inspired(some parts were a little exaggerated for the story's sake but not by a lot)

 

[TheTrinary]

Hello good sir! Would ye, perchance, take a gander at mine humble tale. (Uh no, I did not write it like this. For better or for worse.)

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1094336-an-unremarkable-pairing/chapter/1094337/

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

THE GOOD

The saving grace here is this forward drie. While it's about her father's death (or her pulling herself together or xyz section by section) you have this background element of 'something is happening, we have work to do'. It accomplishes a lot. And the fact that you don't spell it out builds intrigue rather than frustrates.

The sentence by sentence writing is short but impactful. Especially in a web novel format, it's ideal.

THE BAD

On the first point above: We don't ever find out what she's doing. You reach that point of 'so what'. The entire second half deviates from that drive. She's in the carriage on her way to do something, but we lose all expediancy which beliguiers the point and makes the time sensitive whatever feel manipulative.

I'd go on to say that the entire second half of your chapter is fairly pointless. Scene 3, we establish she was so worried about her dieing father that apparently she hadn't eaten. The opening scene tells us she is worried for her grieving father, a whole scene to reemphasize this doesn't seem useful.

LIkewise, the final scene seems to just be a dreamlike flashback that establishes she loves and misses her father. This is completely redundant with what you've told us thus far. That complete repitition of an emotional beat stops being sincere and becomes melodramatic. If it kept going, it would start to be funny.

On top of this, there are some sentence issues on the paragraph level. Weird oddifiers with pronouns. I lost who the speaker was once. The first two paragraphs seem to be flopped: you tell us what she knows and then we essentially go back in time for her to experience and learn what we were just told she knows. Some dull word choices. If everything else worked, this wouldn't break my enjoyment, but it could be much crisper.

OVERALL

Not nearly enough material/ideas to cover 4 scenes.

Do you expect a book to give you all the answers in the first chapter? Like to explain everything in a limited amount of time and space?
To answer:
1) Shaky memory due to cognitive decline, this thing is explain in later chapters.
2) Also explained in later chapters.
3) Yes, the teacher has seen his episodes a few times before. I can't show them all in 1 chapter.

"And then how does the text reflect the answer you give."- I don't understand what this means? What is the point or context for this question?

The whole novel is undergoing a rewrite with most details getting rewritten.

I want feedback but most people I feel. You know what, forget it, you won't understand anyway. Why am I wasting my time and breath living and typing?

"If he is so severely handicapped he can't even function and under who his sister is, why is he in school? And I'd go a step further and say that you are being dismissive. Instead of fleshing out important details you are hand waiving them away by stating the MC is so dumb he can't breath air. Dunno." - This is my own experience, I am in the same spot as the MC and I am not in a facility. That part I can say is IRL inspired(some parts were a little exaggerated for the story's sake but not by a lot)

Okay, so you see the core issue then. Your chapter can't be understood linearly. We can only understand the opening scene based on information given in later chapters.

That opening scene could be presented to be explicity clear that the issues are health related. Just something like: "I used to know who the girl was. Sister, cousin. Some family member I think." Clear as day. And then you can go on to develop his emotional reaction. How does he feel about not even being able to recognize his family.

As far as point 3: You say that the teacher knows about his episodes. So I'm asking if you feel that the text reflects that. Is this an accurate representation of someone who has that knowledge. In other words: Why would a teacher who knows about this issue stop class to point out that the issue is happening?

 

[Hmyu]

Can I ask, does the first chapter have to be uploaded to enter the queue?

 

[xuduxixi]

Thanks, 6 years of writing only to receive feedback like this every ducking time.
- 黙
れ

I recommend that you read more web novels or books/animes/manga/manhwa..., the ones that are good and many people likes, not the smuts that have no plots(read that only if your horny).

Also if what you said is true and you're writing for 6 years then you're a hardworking person, you already know how to persevere, what you only need now is the knowledge on how to write and applying it into your project.

Don't lose hope man.

Oh, also there are many youtubers that are also writers. They have videos that give tips on what to do or write. I recommend Abbie Emmons.

 

[TheTrinary]

Hey check out mine

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

THE GOOD/GREAT

I kind of love the core idea you have going on here and I've never seen it before in my life. He died, got isekaid, died again and came back to earth in the 16th century. And his second life being kind of crappy but learning extra eartlhy poweres is fun too.

THE FAILURE

Where this fails for me is in the writing, plain and simple. I'm just going to pull some paragraphs from the second scene and we'll look it over:

I stared at the man covered in parasites. So we know its from the perspective of the MC. "stared was a given, obviously he saw it. And you go on to describe the parasites, so why even introduce them Single-eyed spirit beasts stuck to the man like fat ticks on dogs. They gyrated as the man moved, robbing the man of something vital. What is something. This tells us nothing.

Somethin Seeing a trend already? What is something? This tells us absolutely nothing. Was it the boat? An animal? A spirit thing? Vague for absolutely no reason. lurched, and I turned and puked on the floor. “Whats wrong with you? Have you caught your death?” The man said.

“Get away from me. You disgusting thing.” I flicked my wrist, and nothing happened. My cultivation was zero, nothing no not egrigious but I guess this was a comma'd list? Missing comma then. chi to speak of, and the man I insulted turned red.

“Disgusting, am I.” The man kicked over a bucket, and disgusting redundant word choice slop weak word choice. What is slop in this context poured over the floor. “Clean that up.” The man said.

There I was again, making enemies everywhere I went. I was mortal, and for all I knew, those parasites were on me. This doesn't follow the proceeding ideas. I'm not sure why you're bringing it up. The sheer revulsion of such a reality sent shivers down my spine. Something big descended, What is something?!? I have no idea what you're describing in this sentence. putting pressure on the world, and I leaped back and hit hid? behind Buttercup. The guy followed until Buttercup kicked him in the head. The last two sentences of thiis paragraph are just weird. Things just happen for no reason. What is the cause and effect with every single event. Did this something compell buttercup to kick out? What does hiding behind the horse mean, hiding from the something? Why would the man follow, and why would an experienced stable handle just run behind a horse like that. In the very least, have him put a hand on the horse's rump and get kicked anyway; aka, he did the right thing but it didn't matter.

OVERALL

Could you imagine if my entire critique was just, "You did something wrong.". Would have been funny.

Happy new thread! can you pleas check out mine

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1096211/the-reincarnated-archmage-wants-to-learn-magic-circles/

Hardly new at this point. RATING: Would not Keep Reading

CRITIQUE

A critique I've never had before: Name choices. You seem to have picked three popular fantasy stories and picked famous names. More egregiously, you picked a Middle Earth character for what seems to be near 1:1 copying of the start to LOTR. Fingol was one of the first kings of the elves my brother in Tolkien.


Past Perfect (HAD). The verb tense that comes with had is used to specifically refer to an undefined amount of time in the past. If you say something lasted days, then you can't also say had. There is a definite end point. (P2)

I think you can argue that P3 and P4's use of the past perfect is more acceptable. You could argue those verbs occured sometimes over the few days but not always; who knows when they stopped, ended, and picked up again. My concern is why bother with had in the first place. It doesn't add anything to create indefinite time. The drag could soar, the king could command, etc.

If it's a choice between simple vs more complex and they are equally helpful to the reader, pick simple.

Past the epic LOTR prologue, the writing gets paired down and pretty juvenile. You trying to write "thick" ends up being fairly normal outside of some word choices and some flourish. Your normal writing is very thin. Ideas are kind of just thrown around. Weird formatting choices. I look at it and I immeadiately think new writer. Short sentences are good, but try to add depth to them. Someone stepping out of their room and saying, I see a woman. I will describe the woman. I see a man, I will describe a man. Better ways of doing that.

OVERALL

This has all the signs of a very new writer. And that's okay. Work on your craft. Copying like you have is a good learning tool, just make sure to be very analytical. Go beyond capturing the feel and make sure you understand why the author made every choice they did. And if you can take that analysis down to a word by word basis in the sentences, even better.

 

[TheTrinary]

I would also like some feedback

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1113453/apathy-of-the-universe-a-gods-tale--side-story/

RATING: Back to Basics

The first three sentences had egrigious mistakes:

As dawn quickly approaches, a roaster rooster calls out, Beckoning why cap? all who hear its call to start their day.


But at a nearby farmstead, a family of six has already started their day and is seated at the kitchen table, having just finished eating. Not a great sentence but technically fine.


Sitting all around their rectangular table, seated at its head, is a woman in her mid-forties; You completely combined different ideas here. What it literally says is that the woman is simultaneously sitting around the table while being at it's head. she still has leftover baby fat around her lovable belly tf? ; her height is approximately five feet six inches how is this approximate? More importantly, why are you just reading off facts. You could just describe her aristically , while five young men are each placed at the table's sides. The way clauses work, your sentence is that she is 5' 6'' while five young men are each placed at the table's sides. Your modifiers are nowhere near the things they modify.

OVERALL

I don't think you reread, let alone edited.

I ask for your strict critique, esteemed person.

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1102414-i-became-a-starter-beast/chapter/1111763/

It's rare for the critique not to be strict. RATING: Would not keep reading.

Not much to say here. At it's core comedy is highly subjective and this didn't work for me. Past that, it feels like I've read this before. Perhaps not literaly, but if I rifled through my past critiques on this site and Royal Road over the years, I feel like I could find a near carbon copy. Anhromorphized "truck-kun". Yup seen that. Incredulous narrator that they turned into a cat? Yup.

And something went into just weak writing. From the top, describing the truck as a mechanical beast. Yes you should use metaphor, simile, and a whole bunch of arrows in your writing quiver, but when you use them inappropriately it's a hurt.

Deeply appreciated if you (or someone else) will review my novel:

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/474537/the-powershifting-ability-is-convenient-even-in-another-world/

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

The writing was very stiff and what I would call overenunciated. Line edit. Pew pew.

4:55 P.M. It was the time that was shown on a clock hanging on a wall. We understand that 4:55 is the current time. You only need to explain if it isn't. As time ticks by, the scorching heat decreases due to the sun setting on the horizon. This doesn't feel like literary prose; it feels like a sentence in a science text book. Much like time, we understand how the sun works. The over elaboration mostly comes from "due to". You could just say, "the scorching heated faded with the sun setting on the horizon." Bosh. By putting the two ideas together, the cause and effect is apparent. Countless students can be seen doing various tasks but what studnets and what tasks? You aren't describing anything on the school grounds at Itami High School, where the prominent students of Saitama Prefecture attend. It is situated at the top of a hill, where the city lies below. I don't hate the information, but it's presented strangely. Why are we being told this? Some of my reaction might be due to the over writing and not this setence.

Even though it was late afternoon, some of the students were still in session, especially the students of Class 1-A, why point out "some other students"? Construct the elements we need for the scene. As a very basic writing rule, you should never use the word "some" ever in prose. which is situated on the second floor of the school building. They're still discussing their last subject of the day: English literature.

Amidst the scratching noise of the chalk marker as it hit the blackboard, we understand what chalk does you could hear I'm not going to say never do this, but it's a crutch. You could simply make the whispers and yawning the subject and it would be far more active. faint whispers and yawning at the back of the classroom. But their English teacher ignored those noises and continued writing on the board.

In the back-row seats, near the window, a girl named Mitsuha Reika silently watched a bird chirping from the tree branch. She had a beautiful pair of purple eyes that resembled a sparkling gem. She had short, dark, and silky hair, with a shade of purple in it, revealing the purple-ish pigment in her hair upon contact with light. She wore a white uniform because she didn't want to wear her dark blue blazer and it was too hot if she wore it inside their classroom. In the middle of her chest, there is a maroon-colored ribbon with diagonal dark blue stripes attached on her uniform's neck. She wore a maroon-colored skirt with several dark blue stripes embroidered on it. None of this really tells us anything about the character. Some people really want to describe who we're following, okay. But give those details depths that we can read into. Alternatively, treat it like poetry. If you removed this paragraph from your work, would it be interesting to read the description independantly.

Can I ask, does the first chapter have to be uploaded to enter the queue?

I've done google docs before with a link. Not sure how else I would go about it.

 

[MasFaqih]

Give me your worst,I need to know my own Shortcomings

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1112479/i-became-a-hunter-in-a-reverse-world/

 

[Hmyu]

I've done google docs before with a link. Not sure how else I would go about it.

Well ok, I already know all my problems but I always need to hear just how unnecessary long my chapter is, and it seems like you actually offer some real help than others so I would appreciate it.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sr_LBNYDseEQ0KRseKZ04HlwrMZgYJMA3NJhVrIeldM/edit?usp=sharing
It's 5 chapters but just check chapter 1(Though I don't really need to say it lol)
I haven't uploaded it yet so at least that link has the (W.I.P.) blurb and the cover.

 

[Boundless]

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

The writing was very stiff and what I would call overenunciated. Line edit. Pew pew.

4:55 P.M. It was the time that was shown on a clock hanging on a wall. We understand that 4:55 is the current time. You only need to explain if it isn't. As time ticks by, the scorching heat decreases due to the sun setting on the horizon. This doesn't feel like literary prose; it feels like a sentence in a science text book. Much like time, we understand how the sun works. The over elaboration mostly comes from "due to". You could just say, "the scorching heated faded with the sun setting on the horizon." Bosh. By putting the two ideas together, the cause and effect is apparent. Countless students can be seen doing various tasks but what studnets and what tasks? You aren't describing anything on the school grounds at Itami High School, where the prominent students of Saitama Prefecture attend. It is situated at the top of a hill, where the city lies below. I don't hate the information, but it's presented strangely. Why are we being told this? Some of my reaction might be due to the over writing and not this setence.

Even though it was late afternoon, some of the students were still in session, especially the students of Class 1-A, why point out "some other students"? Construct the elements we need for the scene. As a very basic writing rule, you should never use the word "some" ever in prose. which is situated on the second floor of the school building. They're still discussing their last subject of the day: English literature.

Amidst the scratching noise of the chalk marker as it hit the blackboard, we understand what chalk does you could hear I'm not going to say never do this, but it's a crutch. You could simply make the whispers and yawning the subject and it would be far more active. faint whispers and yawning at the back of the classroom. But their English teacher ignored those noises and continued writing on the board.

In the back-row seats, near the window, a girl named Mitsuha Reika silently watched a bird chirping from the tree branch. She had a beautiful pair of purple eyes that resembled a sparkling gem. She had short, dark, and silky hair, with a shade of purple in it, revealing the purple-ish pigment in her hair upon contact with light. She wore a white uniform because she didn't want to wear her dark blue blazer and it was too hot if she wore it inside their classroom. In the middle of her chest, there is a maroon-colored ribbon with diagonal dark blue stripes attached on her uniform's neck. She wore a maroon-colored skirt with several dark blue stripes embroidered on it. None of this really tells us anything about the character. Some people really want to describe who we're following, okay. But give those details depths that we can read into. Alternatively, treat it like poetry. If you removed this paragraph from your work, would it be interesting to read the description independantly.

I've done google docs before with a link. Not sure how else I would go about it.

Damn, this is one of the best constructive criticism I've seen on my work so far. Thank you very much for this!

Basically my problem was that I overenunciate my paragraphs, thank God someone pointed it out! I will simplify it next time, sufficient enough for readers to understand the story

 

[Sunshine_Inferno]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1103253/call-it-what-you-want/

 

[shadowniy]

RATING: Back to Basics

The first three sentences had egrigious mistakes:

As dawn quickly approaches, a roaster rooster calls out, Beckoning why cap? all who hear its call to start their day.


But at a nearby farmstead, a family of six has already started their day and is seated at the kitchen table, having just finished eating. Not a great sentence but technically fine.


Sitting all around their rectangular table, seated at its head, is a woman in her mid-forties; You completely combined different ideas here. What it literally says is that the woman is simultaneously sitting around the table while being at it's head. she still has leftover baby fat around her lovable belly tf? ; her height is approximately five feet six inches how is this approximate? More importantly, why are you just reading off facts. You could just describe her aristically , while five young men are each placed at the table's sides. The way clauses work, your sentence is that she is 5' 6'' while five young men are each placed at the table's sides. Your modifiers are nowhere near the things they modify.

hello again sorry if you don't want to reread my post but i did finish my reformatting of chapter one the day after you reviewed me i understand if you don't want to read it again

 

[TheTrinary]

Give me your worst,I need to know my own Shortcomings

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1112479/i-became-a-hunter-in-a-reverse-world/

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

THE GOOD

There is this self aware quality which helps a lot. Instead of being corny, it's just this character you're writing. I have this very clear voice in my head.

I also saw one good joke in there: the talking with the fists. That was adequately set up and it was clever enough where I didn't think you were going to do it.

THE BAD

The writing is generally slow and redundant. We got to a point in paragraph. . . 5,7, others, where I was wondering if the redundant speech was meant to be a joke? It read like parodies of anime I've seen done before. And that's the main thing for me. The entire prose has this overly done, extremeley redundant nature to it.

The intention almost doesn't matter. You could take this entire chapter and nearly cut the word count in half without losing an ounce of substance or even humor.

OVERALL

Ineffecient prose to the point I thought it might be a running gag.

Well ok, I already know all my problems but I always need to hear just how unnecessary long my chapter is, and it seems like you actually offer some real help than others so I would appreciate it.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sr_LBNYDseEQ0KRseKZ04HlwrMZgYJMA3NJhVrIeldM/edit?usp=sharing
It's 5 chapters but just check chapter 1(Though I don't really need to say it lol)
I haven't uploaded it yet so at least that link has the (W.I.P.) blurb and the cover.

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

I didn't get that far but I still feel I can comment on the length. It's too long because of how wildly ineffeicient the prose is.

LINE EDITS

In Under? "In" just invokes inside to me and I can't for the life of me see the phrasing work. a huge archway made of dark marble, two humans stood before a giant wooden arched redundant door with beautiful carvings of winged creatures both beautiful and especially creatures seem extremely vague here. What creatures? The creatures themselves are beuatiful? The carving technique? and a circle formed with half of the moon and half of the sun. Which are both cricles. Is it just two identical semi circles?

The two humans They made a sardonic scene. DO NOT tell your audience how they should feel about a scene. Why is it sardonic? What could you even write here to justify that word? They were centered Weak. And redundant. you've established that they are before the doro around a spacious archway presented with a huge door, This is a complete rewrite of the first paragraph. I don't understand why this sentence is here unless its froma draft you didn't edit down giving an overwhelming atmosphere. Same deal. Don't tell you're audience how to feel. Why is it overwhelming? Describe things that would make your audience feel overwhelmed. Don't just say, "Hey reader, you're overwhelmed now." You could, and should, cut this entire paragraph. Not only would you lose nothing, it would make your work stronger.


The door slowly opened outward in the middle. Very confusing verbage. If it opens in the middle then it's not a door but two doors. This leads to me to ask fundamental questions like: why did we think this was a door? Likewise, if it is a surprise that it's opening in the middle you could build that up more: "A crack snaked down the center. The two slabs of conrete each began to move outwards." That's really basic but at least it's something. A huge gust of wind blew at why at? Isn't it blowing through the gap? the tiny open gap. Also weak. You aren't describing an expanding crack here. Not to mention, by taking so long to describe things, it doesn't feel like the door is opening anymore. The wooden door scraped the marble floor, making a painful sound. describe it ya bastard.

The two humans fought against the wind, with the half-open door assaulting their ears. You are splitting your modifiers. The door isn't hurting their ears, I guess it's the wind They pushed through the gap gap would be appropriate here if you had never used it before. As is, all we know is that it is tiny which doesn't make much sense., entering a huge chamber. This is a little tip that will take everyone up a full tier in their writing: Don't tip your hand. Just immeadiately describe how big it is without starting us off with a summary of the description we're about to read. The size of the room submerged ?? Maybe you meant subsumed? sound, words were pulled down by the weighted pressure presented by the chamber. I acutally really like this last clause; it's perfect, assuming we get rid of that tail end. We understand we are in a chamber. And presented is such non-verb. It doesn't add.

OVERALL

Really focus on your sentence construction and the clarity of your language.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1103253/call-it-what-you-want/

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

THE GOOD

I liked the subject matter, especially on a web novel website.I don't often see something more reserved and character focused.

THE BAD

Foundation

I got severely lost in the first few paragraphs as to names and who was speaking. Is Ally the narrator? Is Ally short for Adina? Adina is definitely the ten year sister, but then she's also a fourteen year old cousin? That has to be Basix logically, but you don't say Basix is 14 or a cousin, so I don't know who you're referring to? Maybe Ally isn't Adina and Ally is the 14 year old cousin?

What I'm saying is, is that it's very confusing. And even in the more basic facts there are some major questions. The MC hides a book behind there back. . . because. . . .??? When the scene starts, they aren't reading or writing in the book. They are hiding it. It forms a connection in our head-- at least a little-- but even on it's own it doesn't tell us enough to justify the lack of information.

Even as we go forward, I found myself frustrated. You'll talk about how "my mom got good deals but we were too poor to afford a big house." Cool, I like the idea of them going to a summer home. But what about the boat. Why are we on a boat? The mom doesn't own it, you are telling me she's poor. Is it the uncle's boat? There are cousin's aboard so maybe? But they normally go to Nantucket and the uncle doesn't so is this a special thing? Normally they road trip it?

So let's just start by dialing it back. You have like, seventeen named characters. We don't need all that noise in the first chapter. Reduce it down to three or four that you need and then tell us a little short story. Don't introduce your entire book (but do weave in some good details like Nantucket). And then create a structural back bone: Inciting incident, rising action, climax. All the good stuff. The central motiff is the romance book, and that seems like a good starting point.

Wait hold on, speaking of foundation. I think it's just family on the boat. Is this an incest thing?

OVERALL

Very, very confusing conveyance of the most basic information. And too much of it.

hello again sorry if you don't want to reread my post but i did finish my reformatting of chapter one the day after you reviewed me i understand if you don't want to read it again

idk, submit it in a couple of weeks once I forget about it.