Free First Chapter Feedback

[Hazelarts101]

Rating: Would read one more chapter.

The Good:

My decision to read one more came down to the fact that it's short and inoffensive. I got through it easily, and everythign made sense. Nothing was offensive or detered me.

What it was missing:

Glowing recommendation above, I know. Basically, you don't do much with the chapter outside of establishign the MC's relationship to Alvie. Outside of that, there is no conflict, no dynamic between your two characters that created potential for more story telling. It was a very inoffesnive set up.

Overall:

When I say inoffesnive, that's kind of what I liked. You start off with her waking up and I think great. But it's a character beat, she's studying. And then I say great again because I think it's going to be a chapter about a test, and it really isn't. You basically avoided the pitfalls I was expecting by focusing on the relationship.

Moving to the second chapter, I would be looking for some very solid reasons to keep reading or I will give it up.

Thank you so much for your feedback. I'll reflect on that and work on my story better.

 

[Gunshot_god]

Hii. I am new here and just posted my new chapter. I really really need an honest review and I greatly appreciate if you can spare some minutes!?
Here is the link:

The Deformed Star In the Sky - The Return | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

I volunteer my work as tribute (if you'd be so kind). I need to know what it looks like to someone other than me

Genre : Isekai, Fantasy (Elemental magic, European-Style Kingdoms), Mature (And possible LitRPG)
Content Warnings : Gore, Sexual Content, Strong Language (18+ STRICTLY)
Possible Tropes Inclusion : Weak-to-Strong MC, War Arc, Comedic timing, Fantasy Racism, etc

Rating: Would read one more chapter to find out.

The Good

I liked the mood.

While I was a bit confused about the logic of the phone booth, it evoked a mysterious and interesting happening. Once I realized that the need to address why it was happening wasn't important, I was more than happy to go along with it.

Needs Improvement

The first half or so leading up to the phonebooth drags. You waste some space there and could really cut that down without losing much of anything.

What really lost me was the last sentence. I was on board for a straight thumbs up going into the end but that last line was a big ole "?".

OVERALL

Good mood, keeps it moving, interesting supernatural-ish goings on with a phonebooth. It could go a lot of ways but I'd definitely be willing to read another chapter since I'm intruiged.

You reviewed my first chapter some time ago, and I was wondering if you do second rounds. If the answer is yes, please take a gander.

Space Patroller Miya

In a universe where some civilizations thrive and others struggle to survive, a hunger for power and dominance has long driven the Manskligs, or humans. But when their reckless pursuit of progress leads to their inevitable downfall, their xenogenic neighbors learn a valuable but misapprehended...

www.scribblehub.com

Rating: Middle of the Road, so would not keep reading.

The Good

There are some effective sentences here. You keep them short and to the point, and they evoke a larger picture than just what's written. It's the kind of writing I'm really looking for when reading any kind of work.

Where You Lost Me

Really, the only snag was the subject matter. The chapter is about a business call bascially, and it just feels like a lot of jargon thrown around to buff up the world building. Why should the audience care about this conversation? What context does the audience even have for this conversation?

I had to re-read it, but I guess it's about the worry of accepting a new client? This is what i'm talking about. Describe your chapter in one sentence. If you can't do that, then it's not a chapter.

OVERALL

It's fine in many ways, just vague and unwieldy. Tell me what you want it to be and I can give you some more critique.

If possible, I would like to have some feedback. Be honest, if it's trash, it's trash:

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/626553-problems-in-the-desolation/chapter/626555/

Rating: Would Keep Reading

The Good

You're strength is definitley in the unique and imaginiative ideas. The mutants were cool. The descriptions sparked my imagination. Even the conflict itself was interesting. We'll get to the execution in the next section, but in terms of pure creative and entertainment value, you get an A+.

Uh-Oh

What I wrote above is a stark contrast to the execution. You're writing is rough and feels like it could use another editing pass. You (very frequently) will repeat not only the same concepts but the same words you did a sentence ago. It's readable but at the same time the prose can grate at places. You stop your story telling for heavy exposition at poor times.

OVERALL

I like stories like this because they show you don't have to be a good writer to be a good story teller. Would I like the writing to be better? Yes. Does it get a thumbs up anyway because it's interesting and unique? Also yes.

I figure I can toss my coins here for a chance! Let me know honestly how you think about it, I'll do my best to improve thereupon.

Coins require links.

 

[Deleted member 93348]

Hello again, @TheTrinary. First off, thank you for accepting my idea of you giving me more feedback since no other feedback thread is active. I wouldn’t have asked you this if I had any other option on this site.

That said, I want an in-depth feedback of my prologue and (currently) ten chapters, considering that you had an interest over how my MC would develop on the future.

You can read at your pace any time you want because I’ll actually add chapters 11-12 this week. And lastly, you can now comment on the Google document if you like. Thank you!

Google Docs: Sign-in

Access Google Docs with a personal Google account or Google Workspace account (for business use).

docs.google.com

 

[TheTrinary]

CGR’s Weekly Short - 8/26/21: Farmer’s Last Crow | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

This is a short story I wrote two years ago. It was part of a series I did where I tried to write a short story every week which ranged from a word count of 1000-1500. I stopped after a month and studied writing techniques and plot structure afterward. Now, feeling more confident in writing and after a little exercise of writing flash fiction (100-300) word stories for two weeks straight every day, I feel confident to write something more substantial. I plan to write a novel but I'm still shaking off some of the rust, so I've been having fun reviewing my older work to see how much I've improved. This is the one I am most fond of and after a tiny bit of touch-ups, I think this holds up extremely well given that this was at the very start of my writing journey and I was being very experimental with poetry and old-timey whimey shiz. I would like to know if I am crazy and narcissistic or if this is genuinely interesting writing.

Rating: Would not keep reading.

Personally, I'm more concerned with how flash fiction is exeucted rather than what it's about. Flash fiction is like poetry to me in that what it evokes is soely in the way the sentences are written.

In that respect, I think it fails. You have this very psuedo-archaic phrasing- which is difficult to read- paired with mistakes and odd choices.

E.g.

Once doth the crows' cries bellow about the masterless farm. Twice doest the farmer's plow descend upon the sunny land by a singular arm. You start by saying the farm is "masterless", and then immeadiatly point out there's a farmer in charge of it. You keep saying masterless, so I have to assume you mean it in another sense, such as a land owner? But it's not clear within the text; the only real clue is the archaic language because the juxtaposition betrays the concept.

It's a shame, because thinking about it all, the elements are there. Viewing it as this conflict between worker and master, or defining what a master is in the context of one who controls the land. He certainly exhibits his control at the end.

Twice doth the crow’s cries bellow about the masterless farm. Thrice doest the farmer ignore and plow once more. Doesn't make sense. You use the advancement of numbers which looks logical, but he answers no three times when they only ask two?

“What value doth you’re forgiveness hath?” I do worry that sometimes the writer is being artistic and I like to give them the benefit of the doubt, but this was the point which I felt justified in my critisism. Your, come on.

Hello again, @TheTrinary. First off, thank you for accepting my idea of you giving me more feedback since no other feedback thread is active. I wouldn’t have asked you this if I had any other option on this site.

That said, I want an in-depth feedback of my prologue and (currently) ten chapters, considering that you had an interest over how my MC would develop on the future.

You can read at your pace any time you want because I’ll actually add chapters 11-12 this week. And lastly, you can now comment on the Google document if you like. Thank you!

Google Docs: Sign-in

Access Google Docs with a personal Google account or Google Workspace account (for business use).

docs.google.com

Everyone wants an indepth critique or editor for their story. Unfortunatly I just don't have the time to help everyone that way. I manage two first chapter feedbacks, my writing group meets twice a month, I write, I make youtube videos, And that's just the creative stuff I do for fun outside of having a job where I often have to write professionally for.

 

[Deleted member 93348]

Everyone wants an indepth critique or editor for their story. Unfortunatly I just don't have the time to help everyone that way. I manage two first chapter feedbacks, my writing group meets twice a month, I write, I make youtube videos, And that's just the creative stuff I do for fun outside of having a job where I often have to write professionally for.

That’s okay. I just wanna know how you feel about my MC up to this point since you’ve already read the first two chapters of my draft. That and your critique on my recently added prologue that serves to introduce the main villain, as cliché as it is. Doing it right is what matters.

 

[TheTrinary]

Time to risk my ego and ask you to critique mine, if you'd be so kind

A Meeting of the ways

Why do the enigmatic Blood Elves keep raiding the human world Cestus IV? And why do they seem to only take prisoners back with them? Ostracised from her family, Zahra Wellson has had to join the military to fund her university course, and this puts her at the heart of...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you

Rating: Would keep reading! In Fact. . . . . I'm adding it to the best of list!

The Great

I really dug all of this. You have such good character work. When you painted a picture of their religious life, I said, "Yup, feels likethey're describing people I know." It's compelling, you create a strong conflict with the religious element. It features a realistic evolution of this character coming into her own and accepting who she is.

I love it.

Critique:

It's a little long winded in parts and is a little self indulgent with the asides where you decide to really just vomit exposition. There's one towards the end which felt innaproparite, because I fully understood the conflict the the implications. We didn't need that reinforced. Overall, it's one solid editing pass away from being at a point where I would start judging it as a more professional piece.
THIS THREAD IS CLOSED BECAUSE I CAN'T EDIT THE MAIN PAGE. CREATING NEW THREAD NOW

 

[justabot]

Locked on OP's request.