Free First Chapter Feedback

[TheTrinary]

Yo, that's true, lol. I just pulled a number out of my ass for that one. Will reduce to 20

But thank you so much for reading it so quickly and giving me feedback, that is really awesome of you!

Sometimes you get lucky. Going through all my first chapter feedbacks today across here and RR. Been doing it biweekly.

 

[Stealthy_Enigma]

What about this one?
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...n-of-a-hemophobic-hermit-into-an-anime-world/

 

[Ah]

I'm pretty new to writing, so I do need some feedback. If you have the time, I'd really appreciate it!

Solomon’s Spectacular Stars

Theatreux, the glorious kingdom of spectacles, has fallen into shambles after a terrible tragedy. Civilians are living in fear as a dangerous threat lurks in the darkest alleyways of the streets. In one such alleyway, a certain individual wakes up with total amnesia. Cherry is a young lady who...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Lord_Serenity]

Game Developer In Marvel

Our MC reincarnates in the MCU with the Game Creator System. His task is to popularize many video games from his home Universe into the MCU. His system can also modify reality but it comes with a catch. He needs to use popularity points. So our MC goes on to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

What about this one?
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...n-of-a-hemophobic-hermit-into-an-anime-world/

Rating: Absolutely not

THIS ANNOYED ME

Conceptually, going in your own direction and doing what you want is admirable, but it also comes back to bite you when it does't work. Your choice to invent your own system of. . . symbols(?) makes it so hard to read. At the point where you started combining two together (the *""Eeep""*) I was just done. It doesn't even make any logical sense by your own rules. "" is quotes and yes they said that. But * is sound. By that logic every spoken thing should have * because it makes sound. I don't even.

And that logical process extends to the way it's written to. You start us off with an en media res, but it's literally just an uncontextualized quote. That quote doesn't even mean anything. It's like the piece is screwing with me.

 

[ThroanedK]

God, I need some feedback - legit started this to improve my writing since Ive basically never written anything but readers really dont like leaving any negative feedback huh, they just drop it and move on. First chapter Linked - Thanks

Abyssal rise

 

[TheTrinary]

I'm pretty new to writing, so I do need some feedback. If you have the time, I'd really appreciate it!

Solomon’s Spectacular Stars

Theatreux, the glorious kingdom of spectacles, has fallen into shambles after a terrible tragedy. Civilians are living in fear as a dangerous threat lurks in the darkest alleyways of the streets. In one such alleyway, a certain individual wakes up with total amnesia. Cherry is a young lady who...

www.scribblehub.com

Rating: Would not keep reading.

WAY TOO VAGUE

There is absolutely nothing to latch onto this chapter. What's it about? What do the characters want? We're basically in a void where people are introducing themselves with no context or particular meaning. Mysteries and things that you find exciting in other works suceed because there is still a common thread to follow. E.g., character A has to cross this bridge or they die. Why they need to cross the bridge is a mystery and it's exciting to find out, but the literal chapter is this high tension scenario that carries itself. We have to be entertained on a primary level before we can move to abstract speculation.

In the same vein, the start of the work was pretty bland. This weird, waking up, not going on schtik that people do is oh-so-common. The only time I've ever seen it done right is Disco Elysium (at least off the top of my head). And it worked there because it was used to demonstrate an immense amount of style and function. Here? It's just nothing.

And the prose does feel very highschool-y. It's servicable enough and could work if you managed to nail something, but on it's own it grates.

OVERALL:

I can't even say much because I don't know what this is or what it's trying to be.

Game Developer In Marvel

Our MC reincarnates in the MCU with the Game Creator System. His task is to popularize many video games from his home Universe into the MCU. His system can also modify reality but it comes with a catch. He needs to use popularity points. So our MC goes on to...

www.scribblehub.com

Rating: Would not keep reading, but maybe more on the personal preference side.

THE GOOD

Call it stolen valor or what have you, but the start works from me. You move away from the vague fast and get us to some epic world building. It's not your world building, but it's interesting.

Your MC and the before-lore is also interesting. Not flat out entertainment as it's pretty goofy and hard to accept, but I appreciate you branching out and doing something weird and unique with your MC's backstory. I guess the principle extends to the premise as well. It's weird and obtuse. Good on you, just going for what you want to do.

THE NOT SO GOOD

First off is personal preference, like I said. It seems like it's stilting towards a very rigid structure about making video games. Not something I'm interseted in. Taking it as a hard magic system, I could see it working for some people though.

The MC is a little annoying. Not a strong voice, and a little dull.

OVERALL

I could see this working. I'm not saying I have faith in it, but this could be a weird little story about your MC basically becoming a videogame making diety. I could also this falling on it's face. I'm open to it at least. Just from a preliminary viewing, it doesn't have that punchiness and cleverness that makes me have faith in such a weird premise.

God, I need some feedback - legit started this to improve my writing since Ive basically never written anything but readers really dont like leaving any negative feedback huh, they just drop it and move on. First chapter Linked - Thanks

Abyssal rise

Rating: Would read one more chapter.

THE GOOD

You start off with this blank slate opening, and it's the third time in a row in this thread I've had to read one. I was fully prepared to hate this on principle but you won me over. You don't make any misteps that make me think the writing is going to suck, and you even scored some points with cleverness: I really like the line about wanting another person like jewerly.

THE I'M TIRED OF THIS

The entire premise for the opening. So tired of this start, today alone.

OVERALL:

Yup, that's all I have to say. You take an incredibly bland and uninteresting start and write it well enough to give me hope. I'm not saying it's a winner as you don't elevate the chapter's structure, but you earned my trust to keep going to see how you handle the literal story.

 

[Ah]

Rating: Would not keep reading.

WAY TOO VAGUE

There is absolutely nothing to latch onto this chapter. What's it about? What do the characters want? We're basically in a void where people are introducing themselves with no context or particular meaning. Mysteries and things that you find exciting in other works suceed because there is still a common thread to follow. E.g., character A has to cross this bridge or they die. Why they need to cross the bridge is a mystery and it's exciting to find out, but the literal chapter is this high tension scenario that carries itself. We have to be entertained on a primary level before we can move to abstract speculation.

In the same vein, the start of the work was pretty bland. This weird, waking up, not going on schtik that people do is oh-so-common. The only time I've ever seen it done right is Disco Elysium (at least off the top of my head). And it worked there because it was used to demonstrate an immense amount of style and function. Here? It's just nothing.

And the prose does feel very highschool-y. It's servicable enough and could work if you managed to nail something, but on it's own it grates.

OVERALL:

I can't even say much because I don't know what this is or what it's trying to be.

Rating: Would not keep reading, but maybe more on the personal preference side.

THE GOOD

Call it stolen valor or what have you, but the start works from me. You move away from the vague fast and get us to some epic world building. It's not your world building, but it's interesting.

Your MC and the before-lore is also interesting. Not flat out entertainment as it's pretty goofy and hard to accept, but I appreciate you branching out and doing something weird and unique with your MC's backstory. I guess the principle extends to the premise as well. It's weird and obtuse. Good on you, just going for what you want to do.

THE NOT SO GOOD

First off is personal preference, like I said. It seems like it's stilting towards a very rigid structure about making video games. Not something I'm interseted in. Taking it as a hard magic system, I could see it working for some people though.

The MC is a little annoying. Not a strong voice, and a little dull.

OVERALL

I could see this working. I'm not saying I have faith in it, but this could be a weird little story about your MC basically becoming a videogame making diety. I could also this falling on it's face. I'm open to it at least. Just from a preliminary viewing, it doesn't have that punchiness and cleverness that makes me have faith in such a weird premise.

Rating: Would read one more chapter.

THE GOOD

You start off with this blank slate opening, and it's the third time in a row in this thread I've had to read one. I was fully prepared to hate this on principle but you won me over. You don't make any misteps that make me think the writing is going to suck, and you even scored some points with cleverness: I really like the line about wanting another person like jewerly.

THE I'M TIRED OF THIS

The entire premise for the opening. So tired of this start, today alone.

OVERALL:

Yup, that's all I have to say. You take an incredibly bland and uninteresting start and write it well enough to give me hope. I'm not saying it's a winner as you don't elevate the chapter's structure, but you earned my trust to keep going to see how you handle the literal story.

Thank you so much for your time! I’ll definitely keep your feedback in mind when I make revisions!

 

[Potato41]

Just came across this thread. I'd like to throw in mine as well, if you have the time :)
Madness, with a pinch of salt

 

[APieceOfRock]

I just started my new novel and I'm already insecure about its first chapter. My beta readers keep telling me that it's fine, but I think that they're lying to make me feel good. I hope that you can help. Thanks in advance
(P//S: I know that it doesn't sound like it but I'd like you to be as brutally honest as possible.)
Reincarnation of the greatest Swordsmaster | Scribble Hub

 

[JoeOfTex]

Would not keep reading.

THE GOOD

You establish the overall conflict and stakes- the whole world is ransomed.
You have a good driving force out of the gate- survive, they're coming to kill you.

WHY IT DOESN'T WORK

The core issues are pacing and characteriziation. It's something I talked about on my guide on youtube, in that there's a structure to stories. You establish the normal and what things are like, what a character is like, and then you move them over to the weird and abnormal. You are so focused on excitement that you don't have a solid foundation to place that on. I have no clue what this character is like, no real reason to care about the stakes.

Like, in your mind you think: the reader knows what the world is, he can understand wanting to save everyone in it. But I don't. Even if its "Earth", people don't just disappear because of the moon. It's fantasy to some degree. So what is it like? Show us throught he MC's life, and how they feel about the world. The problems that they're trying to overcome. The point of portal fantasy is to short track your stakes and worldbuilding by saying "here's something you know", but it's a shortcut, not a way to simply ignore it totally. One solid chapter is standard, and then things get weird.

As well, it's pretty "been there done that". This is the type of thing I see ALL the time. Which can be find, but you have to execute it well, especially because you're competing with one hundred other people who are doing the exact same thing.

OVERALL

Not bad, not good. You have a good sense of excitement and how to entertain, it's just a shame that you skipped over all the important stuff just to get there. I will say, for the structure that you have here, it's probably the best version of that I've seen. Normally when a writer tripps up the way you have, everything else is really bad, but that's not the case here. You have same innate talent that can be built upon.

Thank you so much for the review!

I went back and opened up into my protagonist's life a bit more in chapters 1 and 2 and what drives him. I'm not great at heavy introspection into characters, and more into driving the story content. I built a rough outline of my story and keep track of all the characters and their details, so I can keep referring back to elements of my story. In that regards, a lot of the paths between my outlined goals is done through pantsing, putting myself in the protagonists shoes.

I've been flying blind this whole time, so thank you for taking the time out of your day for my amateur writing!

 

[TheTrinary]

Just came across this thread. I'd like to throw in mine as well, if you have the time :)
Madness, with a pinch of salt

Rating: Middle of the road so would not keep reading.

THE GOOD

The prose on a technical level was good.

In terms of framing the elements of your story, I appreciated the attempt. Telling the story through the help. And I got what was going on (I think) with the larger story despite not beeing in Joanna.

WHY IT DIDN'T WORK

The individual sentences read nicely, but the prose was a mess. You really waste a lot of the reader's time- not only repeating information but straight up contradiciting yourself. For example:

In paragraph 8, you end by saying that the maids don't care what happens to Joanna because the lord of the hosue didn't care. But in Paragraph 9 you tell us that 'nevermind, the maids did care because xyz."

A few paragraphs later, all the maids look at the one maid who ansers in admiration. . . just because she answered like a normal human being? Why? What?

OVERALL

It's a potentially good worked that's bogged down by completely innefficient prose. You need to communicate information faster, more efficiently, and more logically. A professional novel is like 90% efficient. Let's say that a popular and good webnovel is 80-85. This is sitting around 60%. For every ten words you write, we could get rid of / need to change four of them.

I just started my new novel and I'm already insecure about its first chapter. My beta readers keep telling me that it's fine, but I think that they're lying to make me feel good. I hope that you can help. Thanks in advance
(P//S: I know that it doesn't sound like it but I'd like you to be as brutally honest as possible.)
Reincarnation of the greatest Swordsmaster | Scribble Hub

RATING: Middle of the Road so would not keep reading.

THE GOOD

I actually like most of the writing. The character voice, the personality you infuence, even the humor. In terms of pure content, it checked a lot of the boxes.

You won me over early. At the point where the baby was crying from the story, I said "that's not right." But then the mother came in and commented on it not being right and said "good, the writer is self aware. And that's actually funny and cute."

THE OTHER SHOE

The weird form was disruptive. You used quotations and italics and all sorts of stuff seemingly at random. Don't get me wrong, there was an internal logic to it, but it was disruptive. Take the start for example, Quotations around apostrophes, broken up by voiced silence. The goal was to let us know that someone was reading a book, and you wayyyy over corrected to the point where I didn't realize the intent initially. Coneptually it's a cool idea, maybe like a rug pull where we find out this grand story is just that, a story. But it doesn't serve as build up and pay off when you scream it as us.

The second issue I had is that for all the personality, a lot of what you're throwing at us is kind of stupid and not well thought out. Places where I thought it was set up for a joke, but then you play it straight.

Off the top of my head:

The opening line to the story, which doesn't really read like a story.

Despite being a story book, it's apparently a news story. . . and the mother was a reporter for it? It's like three disperate elements there and none of them go together.

Despite being put into a baby's body. . . they are still in a baby's body. Wouldn't them being out in the cold be a problem like the mother said? I don't get that.

OVERALL

Some energetic writing offset by moments where I have to stop writing and my brain is forced to process the intent/ logic. If the intent is just this off the wall comedy where nothing is treated seriously, then maybe it needs to be more overt?

 

[Para23]

Would not keep reading.

THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD

Everything here is in the acceptable catagory, but not the overtly entertaining.

We get thrown into the mess with the character not established and you don't do much to flesh out his personality int he first chapter. The first person perspective boltsters this and gives him a slight voice, so you meet the minimum. But mostly he's a collection of vague and confused thoughts which I don't find fun.

The literal plot is ungrounded. He wakes up. Goes to a house. Meets a guy where there is some understanding. He doesn't need anything. He doesn't want anything. Our MC just walks around in a stupor experiencing things. It makes for a weak backbone even when things pick up with the stranger.

The prose. Readable and potentially nice. I think it's biggest issue is what it's in service of. Good description isn't very meaningful when it's in aid of this floaty text about being lost in another world. In fact, I think it interferes at some point because I want you to ground us before telling me about the scene. I'm not here for pastoral poetry.

OVERALL

It's fine.

Link doesn't work. Altough you might have taken it down on purpose.

Would keep reading.

THE GOOD

You have a talent at laying out the world at some points. The talk about how the cliffside slums got destroyed by the tsunami for example. You inject this world view from your character into it, and it's very engaging as it mixes with the prose.

The MC is interesting enough. I have a general impression of who he is and the influences your putting into him, but having one scene- let alone more than that- in the first chapter that conveys a world view and sets up some interesting dynamics within them is interesting.

COULD USE IMPROVEMENT

The big thing I'm seeing is how a lot of this is a bit self indulgent. You will wax with the prose. You will over sell the idea in the MC's head. It's not sharp all the time. You could cut down maybe a quarter of this chapter and not lose anything substantive, and I think this is important. Take the MC for example, we're in their head and they are thinking about a situation. Got it. But then it comes up again after we already know that information. So now it seems like the author is letting us know they are fixated? I think the intent was brooding, but some of the prose cut against your intent.

Thank you for the honest feedback! I agree with your points, because I honestly do struggle with making the chapter short and concise, it just keeps getting longer and more dragged out than it needs to be. I'm not exactly sure how to fix the issue, but I have done some editing to the current chapter, tho I doubt I fixed much of anything. Is there any advice that you can give me on how to fix it maybe? Or just an example of how the prose doesn't fit the tone? That's if you have the time of course. I'm a complete novice so I really can't tell which parts are wrong.

 

[Jaysanerd]

hey, not sure if you're still doing this, but I'd love some feedback on the first chapter of "Control Quest"!

 

[TheTrinary]

hey, not sure if you're still doing this, but I'd love some feedback on the first chapter of "Control Quest"!

RATING: Would not keep reading.

Why I quit reading very fast:

Some of the writing is very on the nose and grating. "From the moment of my birth, I was bestowed with the “Human Lie Detector” blessing, but now, in the middle of a lecture, my attention was drawn to a peculiar message that had suddenly appeared on my phone screen." Why use but if they don't relate. What does that first clause have to do with anything that you wanted to convey. It's not only clunky exposition, but it's downright offensive. You've lost your reader in the first sentence.

And then. . . Oh boy. And then you describe a message that we don't get to see, which is botuse and annoying.

And then you swap time? Those first two paragraphs were like a flash forward. . .? By the time we reach your third paragraph, I am completely lost.

By the time we get to the third paragraph, we've gone from me being annoyed at the sentence construction and the way you convey information to me actively hating your MC. They are an arrogant pric right out of the gate for no reason.

Overall:

It seems scientifically designed to create frustration.

 

[thalia.]

hiya, if you're still doing this and willing to give feedback on a fanfic, that would be greatly appreciated. i know it's far from perfect, especially as english is not my first language, but i don't know how else to improve it. here's the link.

just a heads up, there is a prologue but if that's not your thing, feel free to skip it as it's mainly set up for the entire plot. thanks.

 

[TheTrinary]

hiya, if you're still doing this and willing to give feedback on a fanfic, that would be greatly appreciated. i know it's far from perfect, especially as english is not my first language, but i don't know how else to improve it. here's the link.

just a heads up, there is a prologue but if that's not your thing, feel free to skip it as it's mainly set up for the entire plot. thanks.

I do prologues when specifically requested. I would rate your prologue as: Woud keep reading

Pros (heh)

Let's address the prose since that was a big concern for yourself. You write fantastically. There was a single mistake I noted in the comments with tenses, but this is a very well written piece. Not even in the technical sense, as a mesausure of your ability to narrate an engaging story, it was a great successs.

You do a good job of establishing the POV character for the chapter, the hamster principal thing according to google. You demonstrate his qualities through the environment. You show he's busy by not decorating. It's solid character voice.

I very much like the set up. Foreign superhero is going to visit London to investigate a botched human trafficking sting by vigilantes. It's a cool hook.

And this gets muddy as it's fanfic and you might be expecting your audience to know certain things, but I don't know those things. So when you throw out terms or titles or information they may or might no and don't explain it, it feels like you are treating the reader with respect and not over-explaining world building. When you call the second character "The Symbol of Peace" with no context, I get it and I appreciate that you establish that information by just saying it.

My Only Complaint

The initial conflict is a little vague. You have a character vaguely thinking of an issue, but as a reader we don't know what that is. It might seem fun to the writer, but it's frustrating reading a conversation where information is being obtusely withheld. It could be as simple as "Crime."

OVERALL

This was great. Fanfic is one of those things that plays very well on these sites so I wouldn't be surprised at all if this ends up being a success.

 

[thalia.]

I do prologues when specifically requested. I would rate your prologue as: Woud keep reading

Pros (heh)

Let's address the prose since that was a big concern for yourself. You write fantastically. There was a single mistake I noted in the comments with tenses, but this is a very well written piece. Not even in the technical sense, as a mesausure of your ability to narrate an engaging story, it was a great successs.

You do a good job of establishing the POV character for the chapter, the hamster principal thing according to google. You demonstrate his qualities through the environment. You show he's busy by not decorating. It's solid character voice.

I very much like the set up. Foreign superhero is going to visit London to investigate a botched human trafficking sting by vigilantes. It's a cool hook.

And this gets muddy as it's fanfic and you might be expecting your audience to know certain things, but I don't know those things. So when you throw out terms or titles or information they may or might no and don't explain it, it feels like you are treating the reader with respect and not over-explaining world building. When you call the second character "The Symbol of Peace" with no context, I get it and I appreciate that you establish that information by just saying it.

My Only Complaint

The initial conflict is a little vague. You have a character vaguely thinking of an issue, but as a reader we don't know what that is. It might seem fun to the writer, but it's frustrating reading a conversation where information is being obtusely withheld. It could be as simple as "Crime."

OVERALL

This was great. Fanfic is one of those things that plays very well on these sites so I wouldn't be surprised at all if this ends up being a success.

omg that was so fast! thank you so much for your kind words and the boost in confidence!
i hadn't thought about how vague i was being so thank you for bringing it to my attention and i'll try and make sure this is not the case from here on now.
also, i'm so happy that you seemed to enjoy it and were able to follow along even if you were unfamiliar with the fandom. again thank you so much for taking some time to read this story and giving feedback. it means a lot!

 

[JoJoTKobe]

Hey, if you're still doing this, how do you feel about the prologue of my original fiction, "Saga of the Last Demon King"?

Link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/704866/saga-of-the-last-demon-king/

This is my first time writing, but definitely rip away at it, please! In dire need of some feedback, lol. Thanks.

 

[Dearest_Violet]

If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I'd love your feedback if you're willing!

Chronicles of the Soulbound - Ch 1: Awakening | Scribble Hub