Free First Impressions Feedback Thread

[D.S.Nate]

Much appreciated is you could review mine: Chronicles of Sorataki: Blight of The Seventh

 

[KDBooks97]

Title: 7/10

Gives a bit of a horror vibe, I like it. If it's not horror, then i guess the vibe the title gives is completely off.

Cover: 6/10

Are we absolutely sure this is not horror? This looks like a zombie novel cover.

Blurb: 10/10

I like the dialogue start, sets up very good tension and intrigue, the description is nice and concise as well, no major complaints.

First Chapter: 8/10

I like the scene, the dialogue and the way the story flows. There's an ambient tension from the masturbation scene, and the way it is hidden from the reader is pretty great. For a moment i didn't know that Isagani and Gani were the same people, but i think this is a personal fallacy on my part instead of yours, just wasn't reading well enough.

Overall, the real disadvantage of the chapter was the pov swapping. It feels like you're writing third person limited, and that camera keeps jumping between the two characters. It would be much better if you fixated the camera to, say, Yumi's shoulder for example, and stick with that viewpoint throughout the entire chapter. This would result in a much cleaner and smoother transition between dialogue scenes.

There's also a bit of info dump of their childhood past, but with how it is written, i much rather find out about it through the dialogue rather than the narration interrupting the scene. It's very jarring in that sense, like an advertisement popping up in the middle of a nice movie.

Title creepy, Cover zombie, blurb brilliant, first chapter almost there.

Title: 8/10

Pretty good intriguing title, i'll say its a good hook for sure.

Cover: 3/10 (10/10 if trad pub)

I can see this being a good cover if i saw it in the library or the bookstore. But if u want it to work as a webnovel on SH and RR, you're going to need a more elaborate A.I Cover to really gain the traction you need.

I understand that scribblehub is generally not the best place to post such a fiction. Maybe you might be better off trying to post it on Wattpad or other romance related websites?

Blurb: 7/10

This is a very intriguing hook, I can already see this being a hit.

But only in the YA girls section of the bookstore.

There's a lot more that needs to be done in order to push this in front of readers eyes. I'm sure if you do a bit of digging you'll find where the best place to post this genre is (hint: it's not smuthub). I'm only saying this because you said u wanted to be published.

Now self publishing is also perfectly valid. You might want to take a look at Madix-3's pubcrawl, where they go through the different publisher routes for LitRPG. The last one in the playlist is all about self publishing, and i think that is a very good way to get started.

First Chapter: 9/10

I am proud to announce that you are one of the rare few books that managed to get me to read more than three chapters ( i can count on one hand how many has done that so far in the feedback thread. )

People don't know they like drama until they read it, and you really did nail the drama very well in my humble opinion.

I will say that the interlocking of the diary writings and the happenings in real life is a bit jarring, but i understand it's a downside of how the story is structured.

There's a very real and natural tone to the dialogue and interactions within the characters, and that's very well done IMO.

Now, since you said you wanted to be published, i'll put in a little bit more effort for you. I don't think the manuscript itself is bad persay, but the marketing needs a lot more work if u want to get it in front of readers' faces.

Cover is the number one reason why someone clicks on a site. You need it to be a lot more attractive, and I highly suggest getting a stable diffusion cover ASAP. do not limit yourself to the usual covers u see in the library and bookstores , they are from an industry that is extremely hard to enter.

For webfiction, covers are the make or break for a writer's career. It has to hook very fast, and must look nice in a thumbnail. People get the sense that such a cover would imply a boring YA girl fiction etc, so u want to bait them into the story as much as possible.

There is 100% an audience for slice of life romance on amazon, so you're in the right market to make some money for sure. Start making author friends, link up with groups and communitys.

And begin posting wide, post far and wide. We're talking Wattpad, Dreamy, Radish, Tapas, RoyalRoad, etc etc. build up the fanbase for a zon launch.

Of course, one single book isn't enough. You want to build up the number of books in your catalog over time. consistency and content are the two largest factor of building an author's name.

Hopefully this is enough to get you started on the right track. I personally despise traditional publishers, so I don't know much about literary agents and such, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Self-publishing on KU is completely viable.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my little story. It's very close to my heart and my labor of love. It's my love letter to anybody who's ever gotten out of high school and gone "now what?" Your comments are very insightful and I really appreciate you taking time out of your day to help guide me on my path.

I'm on Wattpad, Inkitt, Penana, Scribblehub and fictionpress. I submitted a manuscript to Radish and I'll see how that goes. Do you think I could get away with posting on Royal Road? I'd considered posting there before, but I've heard the Royal Road folks have a niche and anything not in that niche gets downvoted into oblivion. I was also worried the Self-harm themes would be too much for their mature label.

Ironically, I've done better views-wise on Scribblehub than Wattpad!

I've thought about changing my cover a few times, but I don't really know what I would change it to. I definitely agree the current iteration leaves something to be desired in telling you what the actual book is about. Here's the issue; I've intentionally left the main cast ambiguous enough that people can project what they think the characters look like, with some basic guidelines (Ie: Luna is a plus-sized brunette with long hair, etc.). My only ideas for a new cover would either be something similar to what I have now, or a stereotypical cover with the two Main characters looking at each other wistfully. I have a subscription to Canva Pro, so I might play around with the different elements and see if I can create something more appealing.

 

[KDBooks97]

So I went into canva and tried to make better covers. I both love and hate the new ones.

 

[AarithResin]

Hello, hope i could get some feedback, am new.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/891620/my-deity-system/

 

[M.G.Driver]

Hi, I'm a complete newbie with this but any feedback would be appreciated.

Customer Service Magic

Welcome to MagicPerformax, your premier destination for hero assistance for over a decade. Our team of highly-trained Hero Care Assistants is at your service 24/7. We’re here to ensure your survival in treacherous dungeons, seal away those pesky demon generals, and of course, rescue the damsels...

www.scribblehub.com

Title: 9/10

Straight up tells me what's about to happen, I like it. I never worked call centers before but I worked F&B, so ....

I do think the title could be changed a little more to explictly hook readers in. Try a longer jap novel

Cover: 7/10

It's good A.I. , but it's not striking enough in the thumbnail. I like the concept, but it has to be a lot more dazzling and attention grabbing. You have to focus on hooking people through latest updates, and let me tell you, the thumbnail is miniscule there - you want to make it slightly more zoomed in, so it's clearer what the character is etc.

Or you could try another method. Maybe something to Mr. Incredible sitting at the office desk, crammed in with a tiny headset. You get what I mean? It feels funnier that way.

Blurb: 9/10

Sharp short concise, and i love the company spiel. Gives a very clear vibe of what we're heading to, no complaints. I gave it a minus one because there's not a very clear stand out tagline.

First Chapter: 7/10

I would say it managed to hold my attention all the way to the end, so it proves that you have a very good premise going. generally i'm a sucker for corporate fantasy, so take that as u will.

The main issue and the reason why i deduct points despite being hooked is because of the sheer number of named characters being introduced in the first chapter. u might have seen other feedback on works in this thread and I always talk about how the immense number of names/titles would always hurt a reader's memory space and willingness to read a novel. It serves as a barrier to entry.

Also, there doesn't seem to be a cohesive plot to the first chapter. there is the underlying plot of the request for field work, but it doesn't seem to be the front and center. In this sense, both the story and the characters fell a bit flat: because it felt meandering with minimal tension, and there were too many characters for us to get attached to just one guy.

Overall, the concept is really good. I think this is a winner, but now it boils down to the execution of it.

Title great, cover okay-ish, blurb great, first chapter could be much better

Would very much appreciate the first impressions feedback of my story https://www.scribblehub.com/series/912353/stray-stars/

Title: 5/10

Really vague, not entirely sure of the vibes it gives. Gives off a solemn romance novel vibe. Not sure if thats what it's going for, but that's how i see it when I read it.

Cover: 7/10

That's nice, i like the tagline too on the cover. Unfortunately it's too small on the thumbnail when seen on latest updates, and the face is a bit wonky too. Maybe play a bit more into the starry aspect?

Blurb: 7/10

Long blurb, i'm sure there's a way to chop it up. Already the blurb is giving bad vibes, as it seems the book is torn between what its selling point is - is it worldbuilding or the main character's journey?

First Chapter: 7/10

I want to say that I really liked the whole vibe of the first chapter, but as always with everyone else in this thread, there's a few glaring problems that will stunt your growth as a new author. You can write like this later in your career, but as a start, you never want to go full throttle like you did.

Now when i say full throttle, I don't mean the heist on the train. That scene is fine, the tension is fine. Memory playbacks is also fine, though I personally detest it.

I mean in terms of names, special names, titles, and so on. There's more than ten unique names/titles/item names in the chapter. Making the world confusing is not a sign of good writing, it's a sign that the author doesn't know how the reader experiences a new world.

Some authors would immediately say 'oh yeah its to be expected - the world is confusing to any newcomer'. then it is the author's job to make the transition seamless. You are not dunking the reader in cold water. Your job is to slowly sink them in, accepting the change in temperature calmly and over time.

In a similar fashion, the introduction of new things should be spread out and not vomited out to the reader. the terms and characters all read like an author who cannot control their own worldbuilding, that you have this feeling of 'everything i plotted is important.'

This is an immediate red flag to most readers, who are unwilling to be dumped on without having any stakes in the story. They have yet to care for the MC, characters, world, companies, environment and so on, so doing such a sudden info dump is catastrophic.

You may read other feedback in the thread, but the general advice is this: limit the number of concepts/characters introduced. If you don't have to name them now, don't. You can name them in a later chapter. Have the 'camera' focus on a single viewpoint and stick to it: first person, third person limited, third person omniscent, etc etc.

Overall, Title meh, cover okayish?, blurb okayish, first chapter could be much better.

Thank you a lot for putting so much effort into this thread. I enjoy reading it occasionally to see how everyone is doing and what I can learn from it. And I'm sure I'm not alone in doing so.
Whenever you have a moment, I would love it if you could review my work and provide feedback on areas where I can improve.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/882755/everlasting-dream-/

Title: 7/10

Interesting title, but very iffy. Doesn't really give a good grasp on what the book is about.

Cover: 8/10

Nice cover, 100% works on scribblehub. If you improved the typography it would be even better.

Blurb: 9/10

Nice, short and succinct. A bit too vague, but works for now. You can improve it when we get on to the zon.

First Chapter: 8/10

I think the concept of the first chapter is pretty good, but it feels like a drawn out origin story. Also, the formatting is very weird on scribblehub, the dialogue tags are very disconcerting when trying to read continuously.

I would say the reason why I deducted points is because the first chapter is effectively a disguised flashback in order to create a chronological order. Creating emotional attachment is great, but it feels very forced or compacted into a single first chapter before moving on.

Sometimes withholding the MC's past acts as a curiosity hook as well.

Also, the last deducted point is the ending of the first chapter, where his works and art becomes something of a legend or an artifact. I would say if you kept this part for a reveal later it might be more impactful. Right now as it is, it removes the tension or sadness of seeing Alex pass away.

I did not read the second chapter, so I do not know where the story is going. But I am a firm believer that in today's isekai genres, people are more focused on what happens in the new world rather than what happened in the old.

Overall, title meh, cover great, blurb great, first chapter almost there.

 

[ShyIsekai]

Great reviews! This first impressions side of things is a focus area for us as finding the right audience will be imperative, being that we're trying to pitch some pretty slowly escalating lewds with many preferring ones that jump right into the action. Would love your thoughts!

I’m Too Shy to Be a Succubus In Another World

A shy girl is sent to an RPG world as a demon class that feeds on the erotic energy of others to grow more powerful... A slow burn tale filled with fun erotic adventures, told from the perspective of a young woman exploring her sexuality. STORY The fatally shy Lily...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[nii07]

Do you mind checking out two of mine?

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843745/my-goddess-mother-gave-me-a-system-and-kicked-me-out/

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843715/bleach-gazing-mirage/

 

[miyaskya]

Hi, I'm new to Scribble Hub and would like feedback on my story:

Grand Epic Elemental

In a world overseen by the goddesses of the four elements, Leiyu accompanies a trade caravan traveling westward to the Kingdom of Ishkhandar. Little does he know, he is about to meet someone who will change his life and embark on a journey to escape fate. *** This story is a...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[kaylawritesthepaige]

Due to unpopular demand and the desire to find more ideas, I have decided to open this thread to lack of fanfare.

What I think my credentials are:

1. Have made big newbie author mistakes myself in my first novel, especially how it started.​

2. Actively planned and engineered a new novel to fix said mistakes.​

3. In 14 days after launching my new novel, on 14/04/2023 0000 UTC I hit Royal Road RIsing Stars #1. (I'm #2 as of 21/4, fuck)​

To achieve this, I spent a lot of time and research on what each website likes and so on and what the gaps are in the market.

I would like to think that I did not stumble upon luck, but rather explicitly designed the novel in such a different writing style. This, in my head, makes me qualified to see if your first chapter/impressions would do well and sell.

Readers on ScribbleHub are different from RoyalRoad, but they all have the same base common desires.

But enough about me bragging.

What I'll do for you:

1. Review your title​

2. Review your blurb​

3. Review your cover​

4. Review your first chapter and only your first chapter. ​

​

Unlike other feedback threads, my objective is not to have you writing perfect english, tenses, what not.

My objective for the review is to tell you if your novel can sell - e.g make money. However I can't tell you if you make a full-time job earning - it depends on how you carry the story as you go.

I will not vet grammar unless it is completely unlegible, I will not vet things like writing style unless it affects your selling.

My motto for writing is : write for the lowest common denominator.

Give me a link to your novel - and I'll give feedback only once in this thread. Any additional feedback requests is to be sent via private conversation.

No link = no review of novel.

Any genre goes.

is it too late? I just uploaded a new book and I have a few chapters written. I wanna know if its worth writing. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/952578/blackstar/

 

[someawkwardflame]

I'm very new and just started my story - I would love to get some feedback, I do not have a cover yet this is something I am looking to get before long. If you are still doing these, would be much appreciated.

The Tower of Passion

Updates: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday Fiona is a bored software engineer who spends all of her free time and money on her... special interests, roleplaying with her online friendgroup until one day she is teleported into a new world, turning into the character she has been...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Shady_L]

Manipulator Of Space With Mage Leveling System

One day, the sun disappeared from the sky and Earth was filled with darkness. Even though this horrifying event only lasted for a few moments, it changed the history of the world. That day, Earth faced its largest earthquake and countless lives were lost. Mana started to pour into the...

www.scribblehub.com

Care to tell me about my novel?

 

[Islorae]

I would greatly appreciate the feedback. I admit I just started to write with very little planning. In fact the chapters I was writing was 4 to 7k words each. I just recently broke them up after some feedback. Do you have any tips you discerned during your studies that you believe contributed to your #1 rank spot?

Feyborne Chronicles | Scribble Hub

 

[Underload]

If you haven't stalled or blown up your engine, he's another one for you to test drive.

My daily superhero system

 

[Dhael_Ligerkeys]

Here is mine, The Weaver - A Dark LitRPG Fantasy. I've also released it on Royal Road. Only two chapters out at the moment with a new one released every Friday.

 

[CrimsonGenius]

My peers are doing this, feels like I should to. My title is a title and I’m not doing it for the loot. There are literally manga that have a title like this.

‘Being late to a dentist appointment caused the end of the world but at least I saw my childhood today.’

Power of the Elements: Recharge

Jake Ishida expected ordinary days when he moved to a new city. He did not expect the mysterious warrior, Pilot, to give him a strange crystal. The crystal transforms him into the Fire Radiant, a warrior of order. Now, he must learn how to utilize his new powers to fight...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[John_Owl]

I'll throw my new novel in the ring. Link in my sig down below, Lay the Dragon. And you're in luck. It *IS* a smut novel, but the first chapter (and indeed, the first 5) are completely clean. no smuttiness.

 

[AdOtherwise]

Demonic Fate | Royal Road

This is only a placeholder for now. \Uploading will commence after my first work is completed, check it out. People say all children are brought into the world innocent. This remark is true, yet there is always an exception, always an outlier. Markus was that exception. Ever since birth there...

www.royalroad.com

 

[DiBltz]

Aye Boss Lmk Watchu Think
Mythological Legacies | Scribble Hub

 

[SpringInWinter]

CHANGES | Scribble Hub
it's my first ever story. I would like to hear your thoughts on it.

 

[Mikan_Citrus]

Hello! I am new to Scribble Hub and would like to receive constructive feedback on my work, such as the chapters I have posted so far, and the other aspects you mentioned to share your thoughts on. Please let me know what you think, and I look forward to getting along with the community.

Arisaka: Celestial Violet (Action Packed Urban Fantasy!)

The Republic of Arisaka stands tall as the most powerful nation in the entire world. However, even this almighty superpower state of extraordinary metahumans and mages have struggled with an ancient conflict, one that has raged on for millennia—the war between humans, demons, and all sorts of...

www.scribblehub.com