I am quite torned about how to treat this; as a sarcastic story that does not need to be treated so seriously or as an up and coming good novel that aim for highs. I will assume the latter, please consider ignoring the rest of this comment if you find it not suitable for you, and if you do not wish to savor an advice from a nobody.
Overall, the first chapter of your story sets the stage for the protagonist's introduction and his interest in anime and gaming. However, there are some areas where improvements can be made to enhance the grammar, pacing, and word choice. Here are some suggestions:
- Grammar and sentence structure:
- In the first sentence, it would be better to rephrase it as "Closing my laptop, I yawned and stretched my entire body while sitting on my bed."
- In the sentence "Though being financially challenged was a tiny bit part of it," it would be clearer to say "Though being financially challenged played a small part in my decision."
- Instead of "For a long time, I’ve had a love," consider "I've always had a love" for a smoother flow.
- Avoid using abbreviations like "lol" in the narrative. Instead, use "laughed to myself" or something similar.
- In the sentence "A fact my anime buddies can’t stop talking about online," consider rephrasing it as "A fact my anime buddies constantly discuss online."
- Pacing and word choice:
- The paragraph about the protagonist's college life feels a bit lengthy. Consider breaking it into smaller paragraphs for better readability.
- Instead of saying "Stopping my stretch as I stood up from my bed," you can simply say "I stood up from my bed after stretching."
- Instead of using "Omg" and "lol," consider using more formal expressions to maintain consistency throughout the narrative.
- Instead of "Guess it’s pizza tonight," consider "I resigned myself to having pizza for dinner tonight."
- Instead of "Feeling bored waiting, I whipped out my phone," consider "To pass the time, I pulled out my phone."
- Instead of "This month will be tight," consider "This purchase is going to put a strain on my budget this month."
- Instead of "cringe," consider using a more descriptive word like "awkward" or "uncomfortable" when describing the first season of the anime.
- Descriptions and details:
- When describing the protagonist's physical appearance, consider using more detailed and nuanced language rather than just stating his ethnicity.
- Provide more sensory details to enhance the scene when the protagonist is waiting for his pizza or crossing the street.
- Consider adding more emotional reactions and internal thoughts when the protagonist realizes he is about to be hit by a truck. This will help create a stronger sense of tension and urgency.
I sincerely wish the best for you in the future,
The Eternal Escape For One's Soul
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Edit: Fix from "a up" to "an up"
