I will tell you when and why I stopped reading your story.

[OatMush]

There are a lot of stories on this website and standing out among them is hard. When someone does click on your story most of the time they'll stop reading after the first few chapters or even after only the blurb. I will give your story a go and tell you when and why I stopped reading.
I'm not an experienced author so don't expect any technical explanations of what you've done wrong. I can only tell you about my subjective experience reading your novel and I'm opinionated. Many stories I've read are perfectly fine just too similar to something else I've read or not in a genre I like, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, I'm probably not your target audience.
I'll give everything submitted a go with no limits on content. I can pm if you want to be anonymous or else I'll post my review here.
I'll update the title when I've had enough. Until then, Keep Them Coming!
Edit: I also really enjoy reviewing, so if you're on the fence about submitting your story, do it!
Edit 2: I'm on mobile and can't see signatures, if you would be so kind to post a link to your story, that'd be appreciated.

 

[sweeteggroll]

Can you try my story? Feedback is appreciated. Here is my story.

 

[Corty]

Try any from my signature.

 

[OatMush]

Can you try my story? Feedback is appreciated. Here is my story.

That's easy, I've already some of yours. I read until about halfway through chapter 7.

Overall it's quite easy to read, but I can tell English isn't your first language. The pacing feels very strange because your sentences are all very short. Maybe try using more connecting words and commas?
I would also add more description and I'd think more about the passage of time. Everything feels very sudden, when the characters aren't in a rush I'd spend longer describing things. The same applies when you want to build tension. For example the scenes where mousegirl is in danger, like when she's shot or when she's chained up in the basement, you write them sort of like "and then she was shot, and then another thing happened and then the next thing happened and then the next day something else began to happen." Spend some time to build tension and describe things! What was her wound? How did she react? How worried about the long term consequences is she? She presumably struggled with the wound for days or weeks, so why spend only two or three sentences describing it and the consequences?

I'd say keep writing but pay attention more to sentence structure, pacing and cause and effect. It's a long way from the worst thing I've read so don't be discouraged. Have fun!

 

[sweeteggroll]

That's easy, I've already some of yours. I read until about halfway through chapter 7.

Overall it's quite easy to read, but I can tell English isn't your first language. The pacing feels very strange because your sentences are all very short. Maybe try using more connecting words and commas?
I would also add more description and I'd think more about the passage of time. Everything feels very sudden, when the characters aren't in a rush I'd spend longer describing things. The same applies when you want to build tension. For example the scenes where mousegirl is in danger, like when she's shot or when she's chained up in the basement, you write them sort of like "and then she was shot, and then another thing happened and then the next thing happened and then the next day something else began to happen." Spend some time to build tension and describe things! What was her wound? How did she react? How worried about the long term consequences is she? She presumably struggled with the wound for days or weeks, so why spend only two or three sentences describing it and the consequences?

I'd say keep writing but pay attention more to sentence structure, pacing and cause and effect. It's a long way from the worst thing I've read so don't be discouraged. Have fun!

Thank you for the critique! And yes English isn't my first language.

 

[Tempokai]

Newly Awakened Outer God Works as a Truck Driver

Meet Ichiro Yamashita, a 23-year-old ordinary dude who's recently landed a promotion in the Special Inventory Delivery Department of International World Transportation. But little does he know, his life is about to take a bizarre turn after a showdown with a nightmarish shadow creature that's...

www.scribblehub.com

Just read it. Feedback is optional.

 

[Azure_Fog]

Ehehe an interesting sounding thread... Story’s in my signature. Take a look if you’d like.

 

[OatMush]

Try any from my signature.

Ok! sorry I almost missed you, you posted while I was reviewing sweeteggroll.
I chose 'House of Amarin" because it was the one you most recently updated when I checked, and it's your profile photo (I think?) so I thought it might be your favourite.
Well! You almost lost me in the first few paragraphs, that's a lot of commas! Personally I'm a very character orientated reader so a block of exposition isn't the most likely to hook me, but that's a matter of taste.
And immediately after you move on to parents discussing their child, so you got my attention back!
However! Then you lost it again a few paragraphs from the end of the chapter because I felt like I've read too many things similar to this. Despite the mountain of exposition you began with, "Super Powerful Child with loving parents with generic anime elemental magic" feels like something I've read before with nothing in particular standing out. Although the focus on undead in said exposition mountain was interesting.
So I'd say it's a perfectly fine story, just not what this single reader is looking for. Keep it up! Have fun!

Newly Awakened Outer God Works as a Truck Driver

Meet Ichiro Yamashita, a 23-year-old ordinary dude who's recently landed a promotion in the Special Inventory Delivery Department of International World Transportation. But little does he know, his life is about to take a bizarre turn after a showdown with a nightmarish shadow creature that's...

www.scribblehub.com

Just read it. Feedback is optional.

Ok, read it. No feedback to give...

Just kidding that completely defeats the purpose of this exercise! You get one of my "reviews"!
I stopped reading at :

***

[A few minutes earlier, inside Ichiro's nightmare]

This is clunky as all hell! Through all the beginning exposition I wandered why you were telling me about his dreams rather than just starting the story in one of them, show me don't tell me!
Until then I thought the writing was good but I'm a modern reader with the attention span of budgerigar. On a website with thousands of stories to read I'm looking for a hook, which I think your description of him managing his sleeping condition does an ok but not great job of, but until I'm invested a single odd writing device will turn me away. Jumping five minutes into the past when you could of just started the section there, or even the chapter, feels clunky.
Overall it seems competent, I only stopped reading because I'm a kid in a candy store and after a single off-putting thing early on I will just move onto the next story. Maybe other readers will disagree! Have fun!

Ehehe an interesting sounding thread... Story’s in my signature. Take a look if you’d like.

Wow these submissions are coming in hot! I'm getting new ones before I finish the last!
Firstly I very much relate to wanting to write after reading to many webnovels. Secondly and the point of the submission I stopped here:

I got attacked by an owlbear. How did this happen? Well, you see I was walking through the forest on a trip to gather some herbs. Then, this owlbear showed up. As a D rank adventurer, an owlbear is a bit above my pay grade. I think I can handle it though. Hopefully.

Weird time skip! Which is a shame because I actually laughed during your first section. The sudden bullshit of "you were hit by a meteor, bum luck, have some powers thank you goodbye" felt fresh and cuts past the usual generic Isekai start
The problem is I've read a million Isekai already and even plenty of Isekai parodies (which I think this might be? At least from the like 10 paragraphs I read) so they need to stand out to keep my attention. And abruptly cutting what feels like maybe months into the future before actually introducing the mc isn't doing it for me.
Slow down a little, smell the roses. Our dude (or gal?) just died, learnt magic is real, learnt god is real and just arrived in a new world.
Anyway, that's when I stopped, your start actually made me laugh so I think there's potential! good luck! Have fun!

 

[Syahardian]

Do you accept a new and fresh one? By fresh I mean it got published just last month and it still have 4 chapters available.
If yes, here. If not, ignore this.

 

[Tempokai]

This is clunky as all hell! Through all the beginning exposition I wandered why you were telling me about his dreams rather than just starting the story in one of them, show me don't tell me!

lmao. I didn't expect that. The narrator is literally spewing the backstory from the outside and then shoving you into the main plot. Funny. Whatever man, I see your point :P

 

[OatMush]

Do you accept a new and fresh one? By fresh I mean it got published just last month and it still have 4 chapters available.
If yes, here. If not, ignore this.

Submit and I shall read!
I read until the second chapter, stopping at:

My name is Ellie Oriana; most people just call me Ellie. My high school activities that just ended for the week made me want to go home and get some rest immediately. That’s right. Getting a break from any commands from that thing. For once, I want to feel how comfortable a sleep was once again. It’s not that I never felt peace when I rest, it’s just that every time I woke up, I’m never sure I could feel that comfort again if tomorrow ever come. Or maybe that’s just a sign that I’ve never been grateful even once. Whatever it is, I do not want that creature to keep disturbing me throughout my life.

Sort of a death by a thousand cuts. Throughout what I read there was a lot of odd phrases, like "only a white skin that had accompanied her since birth". This reads strangely, is it normal for skin to change after birth?
Or in "The girl's face still wore a look of confusion" after you just revealed the black figure is also a girl, so which girl looks confused?
Or in the second to last sentence in the paragraph I quoted " Or maybe that’s just a sign that I’ve never been grateful even once" what does this mean? It doesn't flow well for me. Or "My name is Ellie Oriana; most people just call me Ellie." Don't they call you that because... It's your first name and that's how names work?
I like the premise and how descriptive you are, but there's a lot of odd sentences and too many places where I was distracted by the writing, so I stopped reading.
I really don't think there's anything unfixable though, so keep going!

 

[CRimson5]

Here is mine,

100th life of the Game changer (A Fantasy novel transmigration story)

This is the 100th novel, the 100th story, and my 100th life. With this everything end, with this, I am relieved from my duty, all I have to do is to save this damn forsaken world that even the four mighty Heroes failed to save. Sounds easy enough, A lot...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[OatMush]

Here is mine,

100th life of the Game changer (A Fantasy novel transmigration story)

This is the 100th novel, the 100th story, and my 100th life. With this everything end, with this, I am relieved from my duty, all I have to do is to save this damn forsaken world that even the four mighty Heroes failed to save. Sounds easy enough, A lot...

www.scribblehub.com

Hmm! Quite good.
I really like the premise of a story fixer and the the writing style is high quality and without errors. I stopped reading around halfway through chapter 3 though. This is not because it wasn't good, just a mismatch between genre and reader. Even with it's twists and meta story, the narrative still seems to boil down to "hero with unusual skills and knowledge needs to save world from demon lord." As your character says "I have heard that story a hundred times."
So I think you're a good writer! Just not for me! Keep it up!

 

[Cloudee77]

Please give this a try, thank you.

Reincarnation of the Totem

Slipping through the gravels of time, she found herself in a new land that she had never dreamed of. Here she was nothing but a female supporting Character to a tale of a reborn heroine, her life meaningless but around some set lines. Watch her navigate through these murky realms...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Syahardian]

Submit and I shall read!
I read until the second chapter, stopping at:

Sort of a death by a thousand cuts. Throughout what I read there was a lot of odd phrases, like "only a white skin that had accompanied her since birth". This reads strangely, is it normal for skin to change after birth?
Or in "The girl's face still wore a look of confusion" after you just revealed the black figure is also a girl, so which girl looks confused?
Or in the second to last sentence in the paragraph I quoted " Or maybe that’s just a sign that I’ve never been grateful even once" what does this mean? It doesn't flow well for me. Or "My name is Ellie Oriana; most people just call me Ellie." Don't they call you that because... It's your first name and that's how names work?
I like the premise and how descriptive you are, but there's a lot of odd sentences and too many places where I was distracted by the writing, so I stopped reading.
I really don't think there's anything unfixable though, so keep going!

Thank you, big time!
Okay, in my defense, allow me to explain a little bit.
For the first one about the skin, I was trying to describe that there's nothing wrong in it, since she got stabbed in the dream and wanted to check her body. As for the second one, yeah, maybe I put that wrong in that particular paragraph. As for the third, that just me trying to make her relatable lol. And the last one was a bit of culture shock(?) for me, because in my place at least, there's no such thing as first name becomes how that person got called.

Still tho, thanks for the feedback!

 

[OatMush]

Please give this a try, thank you.

Reincarnation of the Totem

Slipping through the gravels of time, she found herself in a new land that she had never dreamed of. Here she was nothing but a female supporting Character to a tale of a reborn heroine, her life meaningless but around some set lines. Watch her navigate through these murky realms...

www.scribblehub.com

Ok! I will warn xianxia is not my genre of choice, so I probably would of stopped reading at the tags, so take my criticism with an extra tiny pinch of salt. However, I did read further.
Your first sentence is good, very flowery but sets a mod and a tone. But after I would say the writing isn't to my personal taste and quite confusing.

"These mysterious mountains stretching towards the north of the town, stood mightily, as sturdy as a soldier overrun with high-tide of powerful enemy, in the rushing waves of clouds" after reading this a few times I understood it, but not the first time, I might just be dumb though, but I think the grammar is wrong? Maybe it should be:
"These mysterious mountains stretch north of the town, standing mighty and sturdy as a soldier being overrun by the high-tide of a powerful enemy; the rushing waves of clouds." I think you're jumping between tenses? You'll need to ask someone better at English than me.

It's similar in the next paragraph:
"The master would then wait draped in his fur, sometime peeking through the cover outside, sometime cursing at the weather in an almost undecipherable tone, while seeking some warmth from the hand-held brazier inside the carriage, knowing well that he was hopelessly waiting hours before the rescue could come."
First, this is a very long sentence, my brain ran out of RAM and I had to read it a few times to understand. Again, I am not very smart.
Second, before this sentence I thought you were talking about every cart using the road, and that the statements were generalisations about every cart. But this sentence feels like you are talking about a specific master on a specific cart, unless every master on every cart is draped in fur, cursing the weather and has a hand-held brazier.
Thirdly, 'sometime' should be replaced with 'sometimes' both times you use it. Again I think you're mixing tenses in a confusing way.
Fourthly, you jump from talking about carts to "the master", on my first read I have no idea who the master is or how he relates to the carts plural in the previous sentence. Maybe change to "The masters of the carts" or if we're talking about a single master of a single cart "The cart's master" would work.

All in all I assume English is a second language? You're using very ambitious language and making a lot of mistakes, but I hope you continue writing and continue improving!

Thank you, big time!
Okay, in my defense, allow me to explain a little bit.
For the first one about the skin, I was trying to describe that there's nothing wrong in it, since she got stabbed in the dream and wanted to check her body. As for the second one, yeah, maybe I put that wrong in that particular paragraph. As for the third, that just me trying to make her relatable lol. And the last one was a bit of culture shock(?) for me, because in my place at least, there's no such thing as first name becomes how that person got called.

Still tho, thanks for the feedback!

You're welcome!

I mean that mentioning that she's had the same skin since birth is odd. Maybe it would be better as "her white skin was unblemished" or similar. My point being it is usually assumed that your skin colour is the same as you're born with, so why waste words bringing it up?
Interesting to hear about the cultural difference, as far as I'm aware in the English speaking world teenagers are almost exclusively called by their first names.

 

[AdOtherwise]

I appreciate the help in feedback, thanks a bunch!
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/727045/lowly-ascent/

 

[Verdante]

There’s so many feedback threads that opened up! Please check out my story, thank you https://www.scribblehub.com/series/890910/altered-threads-of-fate-gl-isekai/

 

[OatMush]

I appreciate the help in feedback, thanks a bunch!
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/727045/lowly-ascent/

Let's go!

I stopped reading at:

"Apparently this place used to be part of some giant rock thing called a planet before it got sent here. It was probably someplace full of diseases just like this damn swamp"

No one knew why entire lands ended up here. But it was assumed it was for negative reasons, taking a turn more towards they were sinners or some such.

I like this world building! But it feels odd for characters too just conveniently exposit without context. Like why are they talking about the shape of the world? Especially if neither character even knows what a planet is. Rather than saying it used to be part of a planet, maybe just say what shape and structure their world currently is? I'm not sure, just feels inorganic to me.
Also the phrasing of the second paragraph in that quote reads strangely to me:
"taking a turn more towards they were sinners or some such"
I had to read this twice to understand what this meant.

Neither of those points are why I stopped reading though! the main reason is because so far I don't care much for either character. I'm a very character focused reader, I think this might be another genre mismatch but for me I would want more characterization. I stopped reading because I was near the end of the chapter and just didn't really care about what happened next to these people.

Really I think I'm just not your target audience, other then a few odd sentences the writing is good. I think you're using your world building as a hook when an emotional hook would work better on me. And I think the amnesiac isn't the best start for that, since I can't relate to them.

I won't say you should do this, but if you wanted to write to please me and me specifically, I'd try to attach Cain's experience more to something I can relate to. The fear of the corpse, of the strange man, and the bewilderment and disgust at waking up in a swamp are a good start, but I'd focus more on those elements. For a reader like me I don't care about world building until I'm emotionally invested. Thundamoo's work is a good example of how to hook people into stories with unique worlds using emotion and characters.
But again, I'm probably not your target audience. So keep going! Have fun!

There’s so many feedback threads that opened up! Please check out my story, thank you https://www.scribblehub.com/series/890910/altered-threads-of-fate-gl-isekai/

Batter up!
Disclaimer, I'm don't usually seek out girl love, so in truth I probably wouldn't have clicked on your title. I'm definitely not your target audience!
But I did read the first two chapters! It's pretty good! I like the prose and how descriptive you are.

As I said, I probably wouldn't of clicked on your story because it's not what I'm looking for, but I read anyway and stopped at:

we're continuing the flashback for the next 2 chapters! I hope you're enjoying the series so far <3

I don't want flashbacks! Certainly not three chapters of them right at the start of the story! For the story's start give me the minimum information I need to understand what's happening, give me an emotional hook (which you did well), then start moving the story along! I'm not interested yet in these characters history together, most of their dynamic can probably be picked up from context once they start interacting in the present.

But! I'm not your target audience! Who cares about my preferences! Here's some nitpicks instead!

"She shook her umbrella off excess water and arranged it into the rack."
Replace 'off' with 'of', or reword entirely. 'She shook the water from her umbrella and placed it on the rack.' or something.

"In a realm bathed in eternal dawn, a delicate white butterfly threaded through the water, manifesting a small ripple in the tranquil pond."
I can't visualize this. 'threaded' implies going through a tight space, how does a butterfly thread a pond? Unless the butterfly is huge and the pond tiny.

Anyway! Good writing! Have fun!

 

[AdOtherwise]

Let's go!

I stopped reading at:

I like this world building! But it feels odd for characters too just conveniently exposit without context. Like why are they talking about the shape of the world? Especially if neither character even knows what a planet is. Rather than saying it used to be part of a planet, maybe just say what shape and structure their world currently is? I'm not sure, just feels inorganic to me.
Also the phrasing of the second paragraph in that quote reads strangely to me:
"taking a turn more towards they were sinners or some such"
I had to read this twice to understand what this meant.

Neither of those points are why I stopped reading though! the main reason is because so far I don't care much for either character. I'm a very character focused reader, I think this might be another genre mismatch but for me I would want more characterization. I stopped reading because I was near the end of the chapter and just didn't really care about what happened next to these people.

Really I think I'm just not your target audience, other then a few odd sentences the writing is good. I think you're using your world building as a hook when an emotional hook would work better on me. And I think the amnesiac isn't the best start for that, since I can't relate to them.

I won't say you should do this, but if you wanted to write to please me and me specifically, I'd try to attach Cain's experience more to something I can relate to. The fear of the corpse, of the strange man, and the bewilderment and disgust at waking up in a swamp are a good start, but I'd focus more on those elements. For a reader like me I don't care about world building until I'm emotionally invested. Thundamoo's work is a good example of how to hook people into stories with unique worlds using emotion and characters.
But again, I'm probably not your target audience. So keep going! Have fun!


Batter up!
Disclaimer, I'm don't usually seek out girl love, so in truth I probably wouldn't have clicked on your title. I'm definitely not your target audience!
But I did read the first two chapters! It's pretty good! I like the prose and how descriptive you are.

As I said, I probably wouldn't of clicked on your story because it's not what I'm looking for, but I read anyway and stopped at:


I don't want flashbacks! Certainly not three chapters of them right at the start of the story! For the story's start give me the minimum information I need to understand what's happening, give me an emotional hook (which you did well), then start moving the story along! I'm not interested yet in these characters history together, most of their dynamic can probably be picked up from context once they start interacting in the present.

But! I'm not your target audience! Who cares about my preferences! Here's some nitpicks instead!

"She shook her umbrella off excess water and arranged it into the rack."
Replace 'off' with 'of', or reword entirely. 'She shook the water from her umbrella and placed it on the rack.' or something.

"In a realm bathed in eternal dawn, a delicate white butterfly threaded through the water, manifesting a small ripple in the tranquil pond."
I can't visualize this. 'threaded' implies going through a tight space, how does a butterfly thread a pond? Unless the butterfly is huge and the pond tiny.

Anyway! Good writing! Have fun!

Thank you for the feedback, its unfortunate I didn't focus on emotions in the beginning. Again, thank you for taking the time to read and give me some feedback

Let's go!

I stopped reading at:

I like this world building! But it feels odd for characters too just conveniently exposit without context. Like why are they talking about the shape of the world? Especially if neither character even knows what a planet is. Rather than saying it used to be part of a planet, maybe just say what shape and structure their world currently is? I'm not sure, just feels inorganic to me.
Also the phrasing of the second paragraph in that quote reads strangely to me:
"taking a turn more towards they were sinners or some such"
I had to read this twice to understand what this meant.

Neither of those points are why I stopped reading though! the main reason is because so far I don't care much for either character. I'm a very character focused reader, I think this might be another genre mismatch but for me I would want more characterization. I stopped reading because I was near the end of the chapter and just didn't really care about what happened next to these people.

Really I think I'm just not your target audience, other then a few odd sentences the writing is good. I think you're using your world building as a hook when an emotional hook would work better on me. And I think the amnesiac isn't the best start for that, since I can't relate to them.

I won't say you should do this, but if you wanted to write to please me and me specifically, I'd try to attach Cain's experience more to something I can relate to. The fear of the corpse, of the strange man, and the bewilderment and disgust at waking up in a swamp are a good start, but I'd focus more on those elements. For a reader like me I don't care about world building until I'm emotionally invested. Thundamoo's work is a good example of how to hook people into stories with unique worlds using emotion and characters.
But again, I'm probably not your target audience. So keep going! Have fun!


Batter up!
Disclaimer, I'm don't usually seek out girl love, so in truth I probably wouldn't have clicked on your title. I'm definitely not your target audience!
But I did read the first two chapters! It's pretty good! I like the prose and how descriptive you are.

As I said, I probably wouldn't of clicked on your story because it's not what I'm looking for, but I read anyway and stopped at:


I don't want flashbacks! Certainly not three chapters of them right at the start of the story! For the story's start give me the minimum information I need to understand what's happening, give me an emotional hook (which you did well), then start moving the story along! I'm not interested yet in these characters history together, most of their dynamic can probably be picked up from context once they start interacting in the present.

But! I'm not your target audience! Who cares about my preferences! Here's some nitpicks instead!

"She shook her umbrella off excess water and arranged it into the rack."
Replace 'off' with 'of', or reword entirely. 'She shook the water from her umbrella and placed it on the rack.' or something.

"In a realm bathed in eternal dawn, a delicate white butterfly threaded through the water, manifesting a small ripple in the tranquil pond."
I can't visualize this. 'threaded' implies going through a tight space, how does a butterfly thread a pond? Unless the butterfly is huge and the pond tiny.

Anyway! Good writing! Have fun!

I just also wanted to add, the stories I'm trying to make are ones anyone can enjoy in one way or another. I know it's impossible especially with this story because I leaned into many extremes but that is how I want my writing to be, something anyone can pick up and get lost in, my end goal as you will.

Just wanted to add that tidbit because I appreciate you telling me about the less emotional start. Again, thank you for everything.