Is this paragraph awkward?

Suzumiya

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
80
Points
18
Given no context, I'm curious if this paragraph makes enough sense.

Fed upon misery and desperation, some people gave up. Others struggled against circumstance. Randy did what he was told. He was miserable for it. When the angel appeared in front of him, it stopped time for the two of them. Such magics were mundanely unknowable; and Randy’s old misery was awash with new surprise. After all there was no precedent for it. To compose magic, one must draw upon their own will and memory to forcefully recreate an experience. Yet, no matter how real it seemed, magic was illusory. When in conflict, the more powerful will or memory overwrites the lesser. Such was the prevalent Theory of Anti-Magic Compositions and explained why powerful magic items, politicians and the like shrugged off any petty attempt at harming them.

I've got some ideas for things that might be awkward, e.g. "Theory of Anti-Magic Compositions," but I'm not sure.

I'd really appreciate fresh eyes, if anybody would lend them.
 

Temple

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
359
Points
103
I think there's too many topics in this one paragraph? The first four sentences I dunno what they're about without context, but they can be separate paragraph I think. The angel sentence can be a different paragraph? And then the explanation about magic is another paragraph.

If you're talking about the explanation of magic itself, I kinda get it.
 

Suzumiya

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
80
Points
18
I think there's too many topics in this one paragraph? The first four sentences I dunno what they're about without context, but they can be separate paragraph I think. The angel sentence can be a different paragraph? And then the explanation about magic is another paragraph.

If you're talking about the explanation of magic itself, I kinda get it.

The angel is a reference to a two-chapters-ago scene and the first two sentences are a reference to the paragraphs immediately preceding this one. I tried reading it without the leadup, and it feels too sudden.

I wonder if there's something I could add inbetween to soften the split, though? I feel like you're onto something.

Fed upon misery and desperation, some people gave up. Others struggled against circumstance. Randy did what he was told. He was miserable for it. [50 word fill]

When the angel appeared in front of him, it stopped time for the two of them. Such magics were mundanely unknowable; and Randy’s old misery was awash with new surprise. After all there was no precedent for it. To compose magic, one must draw upon their own will and memory to forcefully recreate an experience. Yet, no matter how real it seemed, magic was illusory. When in conflict, the more powerful will or memory overwrites the lesser. Such was the prevalent Theory of Anti-Magic Compositions and explained why powerful magic items, politicians and the like shrugged off any petty attempt at harming them.

After reading it a few times, my one worry is that this lessens the literary impact of 'misery.'

I'll play with this a bit more when I've got fresh eyes for it. Thank you. :)
 

UYScuti

Helium Fuser
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
234
Points
133
Who/what fed upon misery and desperation? That semicolon should be a comma. Maybe a few comma issues.

Who’s the target reader? It’s kind of vague and reads as if it belongs in a college textbook. Is the information in that paragraph necessary? Can it be simplified further? I probably wouldn’t remember that if I read it in a chapter. There’s a good chance I wouldn’t think about it again because that information will not be important to the story at all. The only thing I’d take away is the person with the stronger will is going to win. Which is like saying, “He’s a higher ranked mage so he’s gonna win.”
 

ConTroll

Eternal Wood
Joined
Oct 12, 2019
Messages
84
Points
58
Is it awkward? Yes.

It could be split into several different paragraphs. There are too many topics being discussed at the same time.

"Fed upon misery and desperation, some people gave up. Others struggled against circumstance. Randy did what he was told. He was miserable for it."


This could be a paragraph on its own. Expand on it like it is introducing or transitioning to the next.

"When the angel appeared in front of him, it stopped time for the two of them. Such magics were mundanely unknowable; and Randy’s old misery was awash with new surprise. After all there was no precedent for it."

Next paragraph. Expand on it. If "for the two of them" is meant to say that time stopped for both the character and the angel, then this part is redundant and a little confusing. Just "when the angel appeared in front of him, it stopped time." is fine on its own.

"To compose magic, one must draw upon their own will and memory to forcefully recreate an experience. Yet, no matter how real it seemed, magic was illusory."

3rd paragraph.

"When in conflict, the more powerful will or memory overwrites the lesser. Such was the prevalent Theory of Anti-Magic Compositions and explained why powerful magic items, politicians and the like shrugged off any petty attempt at harming them."

Fourth.

You don't have to follow what I've pointed out, but spreading out your initial paragraph into 4 parts is what I would do if it were my own story. You don't need to be afraid of minimal sentence paragraphs (3 or less).

I wish you the best on your future endeavors.
 

MasterHiatus

I am back
Joined
Aug 29, 2020
Messages
218
Points
83
Given no context, I'm curious if this paragraph makes enough sense.



I've got some ideas for things that might be awkward, e.g. "Theory of Anti-Magic Compositions," but I'm not sure.

I'd really appreciate fresh eyes, if anybody would lend them.
Ohhhhhh theory of anti magic compositions!? I am interested.... Feed me more infos.
 

NotaNuffian

This does spark joy.
Joined
Nov 26, 2019
Messages
3,671
Points
183
It is too chunky, as a picky bastard, I will just skim over without a second thought. It is nice of you to put in all the info, but can you separate it to smaller word masses?
 

CupcakeNinja

Pervert Supreme
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
3,110
Points
183
Given no context, I'm curious if this paragraph makes enough sense.



I've got some ideas for things that might be awkward, e.g. "Theory of Anti-Magic Compositions," but I'm not sure.

I'd really appreciate fresh eyes, if anybody would lend them.
don't listen to these schmucks, the thing is perfectly understandable without context. We don't know everything but the core seems to be the magic theory? what I find weird tho is what you mean by "recreate an experience" The part about will is clear, but....i mean if you want to create a fireball, what memory do you use, and why would it create a fireball? Is all that matters is the element of heat? And you use that feeling to create this fire ball, for example?

But if someone was ever in a blazing fire at one point in their life, had experienced that level of flame, then their fireball would be much stronger than yours...is that how it is? BEcuase otherwise it makes no sense. I mean magic is a phenomenon. People cant naturally create things like fireballs--im just using the elemental aspect of magic just to make things simple, but get into the more esoteric elements like something you'd find in Charmed or the Originals and you have problems--so they have no experience that would allow them to create something like that. Just like that time stop power. How would one use a memory to create that? Unless you stretch things a bit and get a bit more symbolic then they have no memory that would involve time manipulation. Its just not something that's part of the natural world. I mean maybe your world has magical phenomena that has something do with temporal disturbances...like that rain in Death Stranding i suppose...but I dunno.

Which is why I'm asking what you meant. I think I'm right in my first speculation? It'd be a good idea regardless even if not. You know, if that was the case and people needed stronger experiences to make stronger magics, ou have a very interesting route to explore.

What I mean is, if that's how magic work then you know there would be people who would forcible make mages experience very harsh and possibly traumatic events to increase their magic spells. Like nearly drowning someone to increase their power over the element of water, or burning them to increase their fire spells...stuff like that. Exposing them to the elements and possibly injuring them so that they end up stronger. That would be a neat little idea to put into practice.
 

Suzumiya

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
80
Points
18
Is it awkward? Yes.

[...]

You don't have to follow what I've pointed out, but spreading out your initial paragraph into 4 parts is what I would do if it were my own story. You don't need to be afraid of minimal sentence paragraphs (3 or less).

I wish you the best on your future endeavors.


Solid critique. Thanks, bud!
 
Last edited:

Suzumiya

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
80
Points
18
don't listen to these schmucks, the thing is perfectly understandable without context. We don't know everything but the core seems to be the magic theory? what I find weird tho is what you mean by "recreate an experience" The part about will is clear, but....i mean if you want to create a fireball, what memory do you use, and why would it create a fireball? Is all that matters is the element of heat? And you use that feeling to create this fire ball, for example?

But if someone was ever in a blazing fire at one point in their life, had experienced that level of flame, then their fireball would be much stronger than yours...is that how it is? BEcuase otherwise it makes no sense. I mean magic is a phenomenon. People cant naturally create things like fireballs--im just using the elemental aspect of magic just to make things simple, but get into the more esoteric elements like something you'd find in Charmed or the Originals and you have problems--so they have no experience that would allow them to create something like that. Which is why I'm asking what you meant. I think I'm right in my first speculation? It'd be a good idea regardless even if not. You know, if that was the case and people needed stronger experiences to make stronger magics, ou have a very interesting route to explore.

What I mean is, if that's how magic work then you know there would be people who would forcible make mages experience very harsh and possibly traumatic events to increase their magic spells. Like nearly drowning someone to increase their power over the element of water, or burning them to increase their fire spells...stuff like that. Exposing them to the elements and possibly injuring them so that they end up stronger. That would be a neat little idea to put into practice.


I'm glad there are some people who liked the paragraph as is. :)

It'd be pretty depressing for me if everybody had a hard time with it!

The stuff you're asking is valid. My initial opinion was to include a bit more in the quoted paragraph. I've also considered inserting a paragraph after the quoted text to better explain things like this.

My main hang-up is chapter cohesion, the related-ness of all ideas in the chapter.

My final thoughts after evaluating my writing were to hint at a later explanation and leave snippets throughout the book. It will, after all, be a short book: I've planned all novels in this series to be standalone and the immediate sequels to Randy's story will follow him through his new life. The purpose of this novel is to establish tone, set the the firmness of this realm's magic, and study Randy's character.

I fully expect to reference various bits in Randy's first life, especially those which appear in this first book, as a means of juxtaposition.

With this in mind, I think I'll finish this chapter section and then revisit the topic of magic systems. Would you be keen to taking a look after I've finished the chapter section? I limit them to 1500 words.
 

CupcakeNinja

Pervert Supreme
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
3,110
Points
183
I'm glad there are some people who liked the paragraph as is. :)

It'd be pretty depressing for me if everybody had a hard time with it!

The stuff you're asking is valid. My initial opinion was to include a bit more in the quoted paragraph. I've also considered inserting a paragraph after the quoted text to better explain things like this.

My main hang-up is chapter cohesion, the related-ness of all ideas in the chapter.

My final thoughts after evaluating my writing were to hint at a later explanation and leave snippets throughout the book. It will, after all, be a short book: I've planned all novels in this series to be standalone and the immediate sequels to Randy's story will follow him through his new life. The purpose of this novel is to establish tone, set the the firmness of this realm's magic, and study Randy's character.

I fully expect to reference various bits in Randy's first life, especially those which appear in this first book, as a means of juxtaposition.

With this in mind, I think I'll finish this chapter section and then revisit the topic of magic systems. Would you be keen to taking a look after I've finished the chapter section? I limit them to 1500 words.
I dont mind just let me know when
 

K5Rakitan

Level 34 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
8,278
Points
233
Try avoiding forms of the verb “to be” such as is, are, was, were, etc. This is known as passive language. Using more colorful verbs can greatly strengthen your writing.
 

MajorKerina

Well-known member
Joined
May 2, 2020
Messages
352
Points
103
Yes. The main problem is the order in which you present your sentences. Randy should go first and lead further details from that.

Start with something understandable and grounded and use it as a scaffold to take readers into the abstract and unusual.
 

Suzumiya

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
80
Points
18
I dont mind just let me know when
I've finished the chapter.

There are a couple things I still need to think about regarding it, but I'm leaving it till after the chapter's fully done.

What do you think?
 

Attachments

  • 2 (1of4) - Randy_Ditty.pdf
    113.9 KB · Views: 102

CupcakeNinja

Pervert Supreme
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
3,110
Points
183
I've finished the chapter.

There are a couple things I still need to think about regarding it, but I'm leaving it till after the chapter's fully done.

What do you think?
Its a good interesting read. Some slight problems, like how you Misspelled Google, and one repetitive phrase like "he looked to Mr.Mason for answers" when he used the exact same phrase when looking to another character earlier...but that's more of a nitpick.

Other that that there isnt anything to discuss. Its well written and easy to follow and has good use of descriptive words to paint a picture of what's happening
 

Suzumiya

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
80
Points
18
Its a good interesting read. Some slight problems, like how you Misspelled Google, and one repetitive phrase like "he looked to Mr.Mason for answers" when he used the exact same phrase when looking to another character earlier...but that's more of a nitpick.

Other that that there isnt anything to discuss. Its well written and easy to follow and has good use of descriptive words to paint a picture of what's happening

That second one is one I'll need to think about.

"Goeogl" is an intentional misspelling of "Google" and follows a trend of word-scrambling proper nouns into recognizable misspellings, e.g. Amricea. It's one of those that should make sense if one reads from the beginning, but I'll add it to the list of things I'll ask an editor.

I really appreciate your reading and critiquing the finished chapter part. :)

Good night!!! Good dreams for both of us, hopefully~
 

CupcakeNinja

Pervert Supreme
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
3,110
Points
183
That second one is one I'll need to think about.

"Goeogl" is an intentional misspelling of "Google" and follows a trend of word-scrambling proper nouns into recognizable misspellings, e.g. Amricea. It's one of those that should make sense if one reads from the beginning, but I'll add it to the list of things I'll ask an editor.

I really appreciate your reading and critiquing the finished chapter part. :)

Good night!!! Good dreams for both of us, hopefully~
Yeah I thought there was a chance that was intentional so I wasnt sure if I should even mention it.

If recognizable misspellings is gonna be a common thing then I'd keep it
 

OneRanter

Southern Unorthodox MaskMaker
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
161
Points
63
"To compose magic, one must draw upon their own will and memory to forcefully recreate an experience. Yet, no matter how real it seemed, magic was illusory. When in conflict, the more powerful will or memory overwrites the lesser. Such was the prevalent Theory of Anti-Magic Compositions and explained why powerful magic items, politicians and the like shrugged off any petty attempt at harming them."

I like that a lot, it seems to me like a great base for an isekai cheat.
 

Suzumiya

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
80
Points
18
"To compose magic, one must draw upon their own will and memory to forcefully recreate an experience. Yet, no matter how real it seemed, magic was illusory. When in conflict, the more powerful will or memory overwrites the lesser. Such was the prevalent Theory of Anti-Magic Compositions and explained why powerful magic items, politicians and the like shrugged off any petty attempt at harming them."

I like that a lot, it seems to me like a great base for an isekai cheat.
Heh. Spoilers. :^)

Yeah I thought there was a chance that was intentional so I wasnt sure if I should even mention it.

If recognizable misspellings is gonna be a common thing then I'd keep it
Looking back, there are a number of places that are kinda... questionable. That one you mentioned where the same language is used twice in quick succession included.

The last couple paragraphs need to be rewritten, I think, too.

Thanks again for pointing it out. :)
 
Top