My little reading corner. Story feedback. Quality not assured. Opinions reign supreme.

[Assurbanipal_II]

So how this entire thread thing work? All I ever posted were site improvement suggestions and angry rants. This feels strangely ... constructive, for the lack of a better term.

 

[J_Chemist]

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

@J_Chemist

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/513014-the-blessed-child-v-the-ravine/chapter/513022/

 

[SailusGebel]

So how this entire thread thing work?

You take a dump on novels and authors thank you for this.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

General writing advice. Short chapters. Reader attention degrades severely after 2000 words. Some might endure 3000, but the attention span is usually lower.

So if you happen to be one of these dense authors with detailed descriptions and much rambling. Don't do it. Don't write long chapters. Just don't.

They are tedious to read. Especially, if must process much information. Unless you have a good sentence structure and know what you are doing, people will just have forgotten the entire chapter. You overload them.

All the long winded, well crafted descriptions. Nobody is going to read them, or rather nobody is going to retain them. Your word count goes wasted.

Thus, shorter chapters. They also impose a certain discipline.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Please, when you have time, feel free to try my writing. It's terrible and will bore you to death. You can find it just below these words whenever you get interested.
Read as much as you like, and talk as little as it pleases you.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

View attachment 23787

I feel how my energy is drained. This is not even writing wise. The writing itself can be good, it looks bad from a purely graphical perspective. A nonchalant wall of text. Not visually stimulating at all.

For inspiration. What you can theoretically do with words. The arrangement of words alone is an art form and writing technique in itself.

 

[AdOtherwise]

A new opinion is always welcomed:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/727045/lowly-ascent/

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

View attachment 23787

Your language is a bit dramatising, at times, but that is more of a choice of style, so ...

View attachment 23787

I like your dialogues.

“What if…” The boy started. “What if I can get you out? What if the Gate opens for you, too?” Where he expected some kind of surprise or joy, he was met with laughter. What was funny?

“The Gate has denied me, Child. I have tried many times. Even when the Chosen One passed through. He had said the same to me, but I am unworthy.” The beast sighed and chittered. “Unworthy and abandoned here in the dark. Eternity is all that awaits me. To atone for my sins, I will at least provide you a chance. One that I do not deserve anymore.”

View attachment 23787

Your foundation is well established, although your descriptions might be a tiny bit more on the heavy side. The dialogues are good, although they lead nowhere. As does the entire chapter. But I see the skill and I approve of the use of rhetorical devices.

In general, I think you suffer merely from the lack of a clear concept and a more solid premise.

Please, when you have time, feel free to try my writing. It's terrible and will bore you to death. You can find it just below these words whenever you get interested.
Read as much as you like, and talk as little as it pleases you.

Please, when you have time, feel free to try my writing. It's terrible and will bore you to death. You can find it just below these words whenever you get interested.
Read as much as you like, and talk as little as it pleases you.

A few notes before you venture ahead, let me explain a few format decisions:


"ipsum": If the " is opening a sentence, this marks an external Dialogue, someone speaking;


'ipsum': If the ' is opening a sentence, this will mark an internal Dialogue, someone thinking.


Why is this important? Because these same queues are also used to mark emphasis other times. Yes, the text ahead is a mess, but there is a reason why. When I wrote this I had not decided on a Form nor where I would present it, therefore, wasn't able to make a standard of what is used for emphasis and what is used to open Dialogs.


I also don't make my writing in a polished up environment with rich text support. It's usually typed in plaintext, and if it were up to me, I'd probably be using some coding conventions instead of this fancy stuff to make it more not understandable. (No puns were not intended here.)


With all that said. I thank you for your understanding. This is a story about Understanding above all.


If you can figure something out of it, I think I will then have accomplished what I have proposed to do here after all.

-

Admirable effort. Actually explaining. Not sure whether it is necessary, but appreciated.

Please, when you have time, feel free to try my writing. It's terrible and will bore you to death. You can find it just below these words whenever you get interested.
Read as much as you like, and talk as little as it pleases you.

Not much to say. Just keep writing, Your syntax will improve. So far, you are a bit stilted, but oh well, nothing that can be done about. With experience comes smoothness. Eventually.

 

[Paul_Tromba]

I need your opinion on the works in my signature. Note, the supernatural case of an accidental time traveler is not up to date and I actively dislike how poor my grammar, dialogue, and sentence structure was when I first started writing it.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Your language is a bit dramatising, at times, but that is more of a choice of style, so ...

I like your dialogues.

“What if…” The boy started. “What if I can get you out? What if the Gate opens for you, too?” Where he expected some kind of surprise or joy, he was met with laughter. What was funny?

“The Gate has denied me, Child. I have tried many times. Even when the Chosen One passed through. He had said the same to me, but I am unworthy.” The beast sighed and chittered. “Unworthy and abandoned here in the dark. Eternity is all that awaits me. To atone for my sins, I will at least provide you a chance. One that I do not deserve anymore.”

Your foundation is well established, although your descriptions might be a tiny bit more on the heavy side. The dialogues are good, although they lead nowhere. As does the entire chapter. But I see the skill and I approve of the use of rhetorical devices.

In general, I think you suffer merely from the lack of a clear concept and a more solid premise.



A few notes before you venture ahead, let me explain a few format decisions:


"ipsum": If the " is opening a sentence, this marks an external Dialogue, someone speaking;


'ipsum': If the ' is opening a sentence, this will mark an internal Dialogue, someone thinking.


Why is this important? Because these same queues are also used to mark emphasis other times. Yes, the text ahead is a mess, but there is a reason why. When I wrote this I had not decided on a Form nor where I would present it, therefore, wasn't able to make a standard of what is used for emphasis and what is used to open Dialogs.


I also don't make my writing in a polished up environment with rich text support. It's usually typed in plaintext, and if it were up to me, I'd probably be using some coding conventions instead of this fancy stuff to make it more not understandable. (No puns were not intended here.)


With all that said. I thank you for your understanding. This is a story about Understanding above all.


If you can figure something out of it, I think I will then have accomplished what I have proposed to do here after all.

-

Admirable effort. Actually explaining. Not sure whether it is necessary, but appreciated.

Not much to say. Just keep writing, Your syntax will improve. So far, you are a bit stilted, but oh well, nothing that can be done about. With experience comes smoothness. Eventually.

I guess it was too experimental, huh? Thanks for everything.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

I guess it was too experimental, huh? Thanks for everything.

Nothing inherently wrong with the writing itself, just a lack of experience. Your artistic touch is still developing, but it is there.

Example:

There , "Humans" gathered. Or their facsimile at least. They formed groups of strangely cohesive unity, where the movement of their bodies would sway along piles of garbage, ancient tools of now unknown use, to the rhythm of what-no-one-could-tell, for each place one looked there seemed to be different sways and groups.

Or their facsimile at least.

This makes no sense.

Firstly, you use singular where plural should be. Their facsimiles. Not facsimile. You established a multitude. Ergo, plural.

Secondly, facsimile signifies an exact copy, not just a general. Of what? Of humans? Is there an exact human to copy?

They formed groups of strangely cohesive unity

I am not sure, if you mean units or unity. One is the unit, the other the state of being together. Unity is by nature cohesive, so the adjective feels strangely redundant.

ancient tools of now unknown use

I am not sure, what you were trying to say here. Tool has a very specific meaning. They are instruments, equipment, not stuff in egenral. Furthermore, the construction you use is an apposition.

piles of garbage, ancient tools of now unknown use,

Ancients tools specifies piles of garbage, signifying directly that all garbage were tools exclusively, which makes me as a reader wonder.

for each place one looked

The phrasal verb look for has nothing to do with look. It means search, seek. Not exploration.

different sways and groups.

The noun sway is uncountable. It has no plural and you can't use it like this, although I am not 100% in this case.

as that once the cathode television?; no, it was the dangers of unregulated pesticides; what about the people who survived out of recycling that waste?;

Why are you using question marks before semicolons? The question mark is an end punctuation, replacing the period. As such, the sequence ?; is invalid.

Anyway, this is what I mean with experienced. You are polished, but you will get there. You will improve with each word, and the foundations are there.

A new opinion is always welcomed:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/727045/lowly-ascent/

An old man with gray hairs was whistling an off-key tune as he pushed a wheelbarrow, its rusty wheels screeched like a tortured banshee.

Interpunction. Interpunction. You cannot start a main clause like this. You chain main, dependent, main, with the last main in the position of a dependent clause. You can only chain dependent clauses like this. Or period. New sentence.

Either

An old man with gray hairs was whistling an off-key tune. As he pushed a wheelbarrow, its rusty wheels screeched like a tortured banshee.

or

An old man with gray hairs was whistling an off-key tune as he pushed a wheelbarrow, its rusty wheels screeching like a tortured banshee.

or

An old man with gray hairs was whistling an off-key tune as he pushed a wheelbarrow. Its rusty wheels screeched like a tortured banshee.


like covering and burying the dead with a semblance of dignity...

...and alcohol.

Good attempt at a zeugma, but it has issues. Firstly, the idea of covering someone with dignity is strange. As is the idea, of covering someone with alcohol. Furthermore, you have a subject change between dignity and alcohol.

It is clear that dignity refers to the dead, meanwhile alcohol to him, but the problem is that the preposition with is too strong in this case, naturally combining the concepts dignity and alcohol when it shouldn't.

and a boy with confusion written all over his face plopped out.

Not wrong, but stylistically unnecessarily cumbersome. Would recommend rather,

With confusion written all over his face, a boy plopped out.

or

and a boy plopped out with confusion written all over his face.

or

and a boy plopped out, confusion written all over his face.

Depending on your emphasis.

The boy's eyes darted around him,

Not wrong, but do you really need the him? Who else should he dart around? These are his eyes. He only has one head. The object is implied.

The man looked over in surprise, but when he saw the boy he simply muttered.

"Just my luck..."

Dialogue tags, aka speaking verbs require commata. muttered, "Just my luck" You cant separate like this.

going on,"

He spoke enthusiastically,

going on," he spoke enthusiastically, You don't capitalise after direct quotations

"I... I... don't know," he says,.

Correct use. Approved.
-
No idea what you are doing, but you are improving throughout the chapter. Good work. Keep it up. Much better flow.
-
6'2(1.8m)

Cute. Appurrrval.
-
Conclusion: The thing is, scribblehub is a platform, and you sell a product. This is an arena where you fight for reader attention, so tell me, why should I read your story among all available? What do you offer me? In my opinion, your character is weak, bland. He has no real strength, no real unqiueness. I don't feel an urge to read him, so why should I follow his journey?

 

[Verdante]

Please roast my story thank you https://www.scribblehub.com/series/890910/altered-threads-of-fate-gl-isekai/

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Please roast my story thank you https://www.scribblehub.com/series/890910/altered-threads-of-fate-gl-isekai/

I am not roasting ... I just comment on what I see.

 

[Verdante]

Okay. Please tell me what you see in my story wise person

 

[AdOtherwise]

Nothing inherently wrong with the writing itself, just a lack of experience. Your artistic touch is still developing, but it is there.

Example:

There , "Humans" gathered. Or their facsimile at least. They formed groups of strangely cohesive unity, where the movement of their bodies would sway along piles of garbage, ancient tools of now unknown use, to the rhythm of what-no-one-could-tell, for each place one looked there seemed to be different sways and groups.

Or their facsimile at least.

This makes no sense.

Firstly, you use singular where plural should be. Their facsimiles. Not facsimile. You established a multitude. Ergo, plural.

Secondly, facsimile signifies an exact copy, not just a general. Of what? Of humans? Is there an exact human to copy?

They formed groups of strangely cohesive unity

I am not sure, if you mean units or unity. One is the unit, the other the state of being together. Unity is by nature cohesive, so the adjective feels strangely redundant.

ancient tools of now unknown use

I am not sure, what you were trying to say here. Tool has a very specific meaning. They are instruments, equipment, not stuff in egenral. Furthermore, the construction you use is an apposition.

piles of garbage, ancient tools of now unknown use,

Ancients tools specifies piles of garbage, signifying directly that all garbage were tools exclusively, which makes me as a reader wonder.

for each place one looked

The phrasal verb look for has nothing to do with look. It means search, seek. Not exploration.

different sways and groups.

The noun sway is uncountable. It has no plural and you can't use it like this, although I am not 100% in this case.

as that once the cathode television?; no, it was the dangers of unregulated pesticides; what about the people who survived out of recycling that waste?;

Why are you using question marks before semicolons? The question mark is an end punctuation, replacing the period. As such, the sequence ?; is invalid.

Anyway, this is what I mean with experienced. You are polished, but you will get there. You will improve with each word, and the foundations are there.

An old man with gray hairs was whistling an off-key tune as he pushed a wheelbarrow, its rusty wheels screeched like a tortured banshee.

Interpunction. Interpunction. You cannot start a main clause like this. You chain main, dependent, main, with the last main in the position of a dependent clause. You can only chain dependent clauses like this. Or period. New sentence.

Either

An old man with gray hairs was whistling an off-key tune. As he pushed a wheelbarrow, its rusty wheels screeched like a tortured banshee.

or

An old man with gray hairs was whistling an off-key tune as he pushed a wheelbarrow, its rusty wheels screeching like a tortured banshee.

or

An old man with gray hairs was whistling an off-key tune as he pushed a wheelbarrow. Its rusty wheels screeched like a tortured banshee.


like covering and burying the dead with a semblance of dignity...

...and alcohol.

Good attempt at a zeugma, but it has issues. Firstly, the idea of covering someone with dignity is strange. As is the idea, of covering someone with alcohol. Furthermore, you have a subject change between dignity and alcohol.

It is clear that dignity refers to the dead, meanwhile alcohol to him, but the problem is that the preposition with is too strong in this case, naturally combining the concepts dignity and alcohol when it shouldn't.

and a boy with confusion written all over his face plopped out.

Not wrong, but stylistically unnecessarily cumbersome. Would recommend rather,

With confusion written all over his face, a boy plopped out.

or

and a boy plopped out with confusion written all over his face.

or

and a boy plopped out, confusion written all over his face.

Depending on your emphasis.

The boy's eyes darted around him,

Not wrong, but do you really need the him? Who else should he dart around? These are his eyes. He only has one head. The object is implied.

The man looked over in surprise, but when he saw the boy he simply muttered.

"Just my luck..."

Dialogue tags, aka speaking verbs require commata. muttered, "Just my luck" You cant separate like this.

going on,"

He spoke enthusiastically,

going on," he spoke enthusiastically, You don't capitalise after direct quotations

"I... I... don't know," he says,.

Correct use. Approved.
-
No idea what you are doing, but you are improving throughout the chapter. Good work. Keep it up. Much better flow.
-
6'2(1.8m)

Cute. Appurrrval.
-
Conclusion: The thing is, scribblehub is a platform, and you sell a product. This is an arena where you fight for reader attention, so tell me, why should I read your story among all available? What do you offer me? In my opinion, your character is weak, bland. He has no real strength, no real unqiueness. I don't feel an urge to read him, so why should I follow his journey?

Thank you so much for the feedback, I really appreciate it!

Also to answer what I have to offer you, I have gotten that reaction before. To be completely honest, Cain is weak in the beginning, he's not unique, but due to certain aspects he becomes unique, one of these influences is noted at the end of the first chapter.

Honestly, I find it unrealistic for someone to be truly unique right off the bat, I believe people become unique on their own or through the help of others. An analogy would be: Everyone is uncut stone, and only they and those around them have the tools to carve that person into a beautiful and unique statue.

Apologizes, I just really like using analogies, hope that one wasn't too bad. Once more, I wish to thank you from the bowels of my heart

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

I need your opinion on the works in my signature. Note, the supernatural case of an accidental time traveler is not up to date and I actively dislike how poor my grammar, dialogue, and sentence structure was when I first started writing it.

The Adventures of a Supernatural Time Traveler

I appreciate the lack of annoying chapter titles. Never liked them. Some do them. I don't like them, but it is a stylistic choice arguably.

“Well, that was boring.” A voice said from the emptiness of space.

Pretty sure this is a dialogue tag.

There was nothing except the stars around but the voice remained.

I prefer a comma before but, but that is preference.

Cold and distant but still alive.

Same here. Cold and distant, but still alive. Sounds better in my ears. Stronger emphasis on the contrast.

Like a spectre of inconsistencies with a purpose.

Good use of interpunction. I might be wrong, but effort shines through.

our power in this universe.” the voice s

...

classic Greek toga

Togas are Roman. Not Greek.

“Who are you?” The other me asked

Whcih style guide does recommend this? I wonder.

The day started out normal with me taking a shower, eating a crappy microwave breakfast, and heading to work with a tired demeanor.

Sounds like personal experience.

Conclusion: Solid. Very solid writing. I feel a foundation. I feel a structure. I feel an idea. I feel effort. The tone might be a bit flippant, but that is a matter of personal taste.

Thank you so much for the feedback, I really appreciate it!

Also to answer what I have to offer you, I have gotten that reaction before. To be completely honest, Cain is weak in the beginning, he's not unique, but due to certain aspects he becomes unique, one of these influences is noted at the end of the first chapter.

Honestly, I find it unrealistic for someone to be truly unique right off the bat, I believe people become unique on their own or through the help of others. An analogy would be: Everyone is uncut stone, and only they and those around them have the tools to carve that person into a beautiful and unique statue.

Apologizes, I just really like using analogies, hope that one wasn't too bad. Once more, I wish to thank you from the bowels of my heart

Yes, but no.

Unique doesn't mean strong. Nor does bland mean weak. Unique means characters traits, emotions. Your character is too neutral, too unresponsive. What does he feel? What does he think? How does he see the world?

It is why I liked the alcohol joke. It coloured him with a sense of cynicism. His words painted his character, but beyond that little left an impression.
Even a weak character can be thus very complex, and "strong" in the sense of a strongly accentuated personality. You must leave a strong impression.

That should be your focus in the first chapters, who is your MC? This question must be answered, and your writing is allowed to be subjective, to be close, to be coloured. I see nothing wrong with that.

For reference, I suggest my novel schwarz prologue *shameless self promotion*. Come back and tell me what impression you have got.

 

[Paul_Tromba]

The Adventures of a Supernatural Time Traveler

I appreciate the lack of annoying chapter titles. Never liked them. Some do them. I don't like them, but it is a stylistic choice arguably.

“Well, that was boring.” A voice said from the emptiness of space.

Pretty sure this is a dialogue tag.

There was nothing except the stars around but the voice remained.

I prefer a comma before but, but that is preference.

Cold and distant but still alive.

Same here. Cold and distant, but still alive. Sounds better in my ears. Stronger emphasis on the contrast.

Like a spectre of inconsistencies with a purpose.

Good use of interpunction. I might be wrong, but effort shines through.

our power in this universe.” the voice s

...

classic Greek toga

Togas are Roman. Not Greek.

“Who are you?” The other me asked

Whcih style guide does recommend this? I wonder.

The day started out normal with me taking a shower, eating a crappy microwave breakfast, and heading to work with a tired demeanor.

Sounds like personal experience.

Conclusion: Solid. Very solid writing. I feel a foundation. I feel a structure. I feel an idea. I feel effort. The tone might be a bit flippant, but that is a matter of personal taste.

Thank you for the feedback. Though toga's are Greek but were adapted by the Romans. The common term of toga is Roman but comes from an altered Greek word for the garment that has been nearly replaced entirely in writings by the word toga.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Thank you for the feedback. Though toga's are Greek but were adapted by the Romans. The common term of toga is Roman but comes from an altered Greek word for the garment that has been nearly replaced entirely in writings by the word toga.
View attachment 23799

The label "togata" was literally used by the ancient Roman authors to distinguish Roman theatre pieces from Greek ones.

Actors of Roman plays wore the toga. Actors of Greek plays wore the pallium. I leave it to your imagination how "Greek" the toga was.

Please roast my story thank you https://www.scribblehub.com/series/890910/altered-threads-of-fate-gl-isekai/

Cosy cover. My weak spot are noble girl villainess novels.

Not a fan of POV indicators. I know people do them, but they are jarring, destroying my immersion every time and a sign - opinionated - of subpar writing skill.

Phoenix glanced at him and said, “no need.”

Capitalisation. Capitalisation.

He crouched back down into the car and mumbled an “okay.”

Excerpt quotations usually use single quotation marks. The double ones are for speech.

Go in, say hi, replace the flowers in the vase, scan Lilianna’s condition, and leave.

Not a fan of inner monologue, but good asyndeton.

Asyndeton is one of several rhetorical devices that omit conjunctions. The definition of asyndeton is simple enough: It is a sentence containing a series of words or clauses in close succession, linked without the use of conjunctions. To see an example of asyndeton in action, consider these two sentences.

Fluid and smooth. Mostly. Keep up your work and you will grow without fail. Especially, with your genre backing you.

Lilianna first met Phoenix at the age of 13. Phoenix was 15.

Sounds legal to me.

Phoenix tilted her head, her eyebrows furrowing. “Not you…”


Lilianna breathed a sigh of relief, the glint in her eyes returned. “Good, because I like you.”


She smiled, humming to the soft jazz playing in the background.


Phoenix’s face contorted as if she had never heard those words before. “Why?”

Eager birds here. A bit too unsubtle the approach.

-

Not a fan of slice of life, but I won't judge. It is a valid approach and I see the route you are going. It has merits, although I appreciate some purpose in my novel. I wish you luck.

 

[Paul_Tromba]

The label "togata" was literally used by the ancient Roman authors to distinguish Roman theatre pieces from Greek ones.

Actors of Roman plays wore the toga. Actors of Greek plays wore the pallium. I leave it to your imagination how "Greek" the toga was.

Pallium is different than a toga. But both were used by the Romans and Greeks. I don't disagree that there was a difference but both were common clothing types of similar garments used by both Greeks and Romans. If I said that the character wore a pallium then they would assume the Catholic band rather than the Greek garment. Toga is easier to identify due to it's commonality but both were very similar. Even history books often confuse/interchange the two because of how close in history and similarity they were.