Need feedback for my story🥺

[Rudia_Estelle]

Hello Seniors, I just posted my first novel 2 days ago and I seriously need to know how my story is doing. I will be very grateful if you share some of your feedbacks to my story Here is the link!

Transmigrated to become Hero’s Aid

Life was peaceful. Enjoying the university life, having fun with friends, a family which was neither poor nor rich, warmhearted and loving parents and cute little sister, Arkar could not ask more for his life. It could be said as one of the best for him who appreciated such peaceful...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[witch_sorrowful]

Dawg, ... ummm, it's just not a story for me. Again, this is just my perspective. Here is where I come from: I am a bit of a traditionalist, so I like a flowing narrative and more traditional use of styling than say in LitRPGs or translations.

Firstly, I think your introductory chapter flits into another viewpoint in between a viewpoint without much heads-up. You're lacking a so-called 'Signpost' for this viewpoint change - and it is kind of jarring when it comes to someone who wants to skim the prologue.

Secondly, I find the second chapter a bit of a roll-of-the-eyes narrative. I know, magic baby, but the "Awww so cuuuutee" - ah, just you know not my cup of tea. I couldn't make out whether it was speaking or not (again, I was skimming), so there is that problem. The time skip is kind of random - and is explained away as

It had been over 7 years that Lucas had come into this world and he got pretty familiar with the customs and language.

Which is fair, I guess. I guess it is fine, it is just ... 7 years this guy has been on this place with a completely mature brain, with a point of conflict with the father, nothing has happened - 7 years have passed. Would such a child not be noticed? I mean, again, this is not my cup of tea.

And then in Chapter 3, I'm really not interested in reading an essay on the magic and mana of the world. I feel bored reading about the magic types and mana storage and... you know, it's just that there are so many complex things in the world, and no perhaps 5 paragraphs is not too large, but I will skip it. The real world is more familiar for us and we would want to read about familiar things. This is an info-dump that I'd rather not have to read if that is what is needed for me to get into your story.

Again, I'm a traditionalist, and this might not be such a big deal-breaker to a lot of people.

But, for me - I feel bored.

I stopped at Chapter 4, after the monsters come, because the characters feel flat to me. The guy before this says:

So, my so-called father really restricted me from going out. During these years, I had never been outside even once and I am starting to feel depressed. I mean, will it not be alright to go out with my brother and sister or get out in disguise!?

And, I just don't know what to think about this. He's rebelling against an authority figure, and no 19 year old would ever speak like that.

So, I drop it there.

Be sure to know, I'm probably not your target audience. I can only tell you what doesn't work for me, and where I feel bored reading it. I cannot see at chapter 4 whether the story has potential, but I would probably not read this any further.

 

[Rudia_Estelle]

Tha

Dawg, ... ummm, it's just not a story for me. Again, this is just my perspective. Here is where I come from: I am a bit of a traditionalist, so I like a flowing narrative and more traditional use of styling than say in LitRPGs or translations.

Firstly, I think your introductory chapter flits into another viewpoint in between a viewpoint without much heads-up. You're lacking a so-called 'Signpost' for this viewpoint change - and it is kind of jarring when it comes to someone who wants to skim the prologue.

Secondly, I find the second chapter a bit of a roll-of-the-eyes narrative. I know, magic baby, but the "Awww so cuuuutee" - ah, just you know not my cup of tea. I couldn't make out whether it was speaking or not (again, I was skimming), so there is that problem. The time skip is kind of random - and is explained away as

Which is fair, I guess. I guess it is fine, it is just ... 7 years this guy has been on this place with a completely mature brain, with a point of conflict with the father, nothing has happened - 7 years have passed. Would such a child not be noticed? I mean, again, this is not my cup of tea.

And then in Chapter 3, I'm really not interested in reading an essay on the magic and mana of the world. I feel bored reading about the magic types and mana storage and... you know, it's just that there are so many complex things in the world, and no perhaps 5 paragraphs is not too large, but I will skip it. The real world is more familiar for us and we would want to read about familiar things. This is an info-dump that I'd rather not have to read if that is what is needed for me to get into your story.

Again, I'm a traditionalist, and this might not be such a big deal-breaker to a lot of people.

But, for me - I feel bored.

I stopped at Chapter 4, after the monsters come, because the characters feel flat to me. The guy before this says:

And, I just don't know what to think about this. He's rebelling against an authority figure, and no 19 year old would ever speak like that.

So, I drop it there.

Be sure to know, I'm probably not your target audience. I can only tell you what doesn't work for me, and where I feel bored reading it. I cannot see at chapter 4 whether the story has potential, but I would probably not read this any further.

Thank you for your constructive feedback!!!

 

[ElliePorter]

Hello Seniors, I just posted my first novel 2 days ago and I seriously need to know how my story is doing. I will be very grateful if you share some of your feedbacks to my story Here is the link!

Transmigrated to become Hero’s Aid

Life was peaceful. Enjoying the university life, having fun with friends, a family which was neither poor nor rich, warmhearted and loving parents and cute little sister, Arkar could not ask more for his life. It could be said as one of the best for him who appreciated such peaceful...

www.scribblehub.com

Very good story. I like it alot, keep on writing OP!

 

[Rudia_Estelle]

Very good story. I like it alot, keep on writing OP!

Thank you so much!! It really gives me motivation to write more!! ><

 

[MarekSusicky]

Hello Seniors, I just posted my first novel 2 days ago and I seriously need to know how my story is doing. I will be very grateful if you share some of your feedbacks to my story Here is the link!

Although it has some flaws, the story is my favorite cliché so I am willing to overlook them. I sent ya PM about some areas of improvement. (Ye, I like the story a lot.)

 

[Not_A_Symphony]

Hello Seniors, I just posted my first novel 2 days ago and I seriously need to know how my story is doing. I will be very grateful if you share some of your feedbacks to my story Here is the link!

So I really enjoy isekai type of stories and yours fit the criteria. Personally, I am not a big fan of your writing style (but that is my personal preference), especially with the (You know what) or (well... trying to remain calm)! I read the synopsis and the first chapter.

What I can tell you is that you both use ( ) to describe the MC's thoughts and the narrator's insights. I would advise you to change it since it might become confusing in the future. You can use ( ) for the thoughts of the MC and [ ] for the narrator insights, so it would look something like this:

(Maybe it was really made of gold...?)
[well... trying to be calm]

I think you can go a step further with the description of the characters and their surroundings. "Soft hair which was as white as snow" to something like "Soft hair that reminded him of snow" (this way the reader already knows it is white so you don't need to repeat yourself).

Also, keep in mind the majority of the babies don't have much hair. [Even though I don't know the age of the baby since it's not specified]

And one final thing I noticed, you said it can't be called reincarnation but keep in mind that Transmigration (the movement of a soul into another body after death) is deeply connected to reincarnation. There are no specifics stating that a person cannot transmigrate/reincarnate into an already existing body, even if he is soulless. [At least that's how far my knowledge goes, if I am wrong please let me know!]

Overall I enjoyed the story, I think the concept is quite interesting! Once again I have to remember that this is just my personal opinion, so don't take it to heart! If you wish to listen to it, great; if you don't, that's also alright! No harm done!

 

[Rudia_Estelle]

So I really enjoy isekai type of stories and yours fit the criteria. Personally, I am not a big fan of your writing style (but that is my personal preference), especially with the (You know what) or (well... trying to remain calm)! I read the synopsis and the first chapter.

What I can tell you is that you both use ( ) to describe the MC's thoughts and the narrator's insights. I would advise you to change it since it might become confusing in the future. You can use ( ) for the thoughts of the MC and [ ] for the narrator insights, so it would look something like this:

I think you can go a step further with the description of the characters and their surroundings. "Soft hair which was as white as snow" to something like "Soft hair that reminded him of snow" (this way the reader already knows it is white so you don't need to repeat yourself).

Also, keep in mind the majority of the babies don't have much hair. [Even though I don't know the age of the baby since it's not specified]

And one final thing I noticed, you said it can't be called reincarnation but keep in mind that Transmigration (the movement of a soul into another body after death) is deeply connected to reincarnation. There are no specifics stating that a person cannot transmigrate/reincarnate into an already existing body, even if he is soulless. [At least that's how far my knowledge goes, if I am wrong please let me know!]

Overall I enjoyed the story, I think the concept is quite interesting! Once again I have to remember that this is just my personal opinion, so don't take it to heart! If you wish to listen to it, great; if you don't, that's also alright! No harm done!

Thank you so much for the constructive review! I will try my best to revise and mend my mistakes.
And for the 'transmigration' thing it has something to do with the MC which will be reveled in the later chapter >< I am really thankful for your feedback!!!

 

[Not_A_Symphony]

Thank you so much for the constructive review! I will try my best to revise and mend my mistakes.
And for the 'transmigration' thing it has something to do with the MC which will be reveled in the later chapter >< I am really thankful for your feedback!!!

I'm happy to know! Truly!! I'm glad I could help in any way!

 

[LoliGent]

I read the first 3 chapters, if the prologue counts as a chapter that is. I think it's okay but I prefer stories that get down to the important points as fast as possible. Maybe this is how the story should be, maybe this is how the transmigrated stories work, but I personally thought there was nothing happening except exposition. I feel exposition is good if it's scattered throughout the work rather than just dumped all at once. I don't know what the main goal or purpose of this story is but the synopsis promised me a hero in need of help from the MC. So far, no hero has arrived, no explanation of the circumstances in the synopsis has been explained in the narrative, and I feel by the third chapter, we should get the plot going by now. I feel the baby thing should have ended in the first two chapters and we finally get to the hero.

Here's another thing about me: I actually noticed that I can get the general idea of most stories if I just read the first one or two sentences of every paragraph. It appears it works on your story. I started reading the prologue up to chapter 2, but I felt the pace was slow. When it came to chapter 3, I started only reading the first one or two sentences and I seemed to have gotten the overall impression of that chapter just fine. You were still expositioning and there was still no hero. We're still in the baby phase. I really did not feel interested in continuing. I'm saying this because there are so many reincarnation and transmigrated stories, I don't see why I should continue with this slow placed story while there may be another story that gets the plot going.

Take my criticism with a grain of salt. Maybe there are people who like these slow-burning stories, but I prefer to get to the main objective of the story as quick as possible and throughout it, we get these expositions. If I was to write this, I would keep the intro of the baby and whatever childhood he had that is not important to a minimum, then on chapter 2 or 3, have the plot going. And then, after we got to know the characters, then you can go in-depth with the MC being a baby and the circumstances of the family. That is what I would do but I don't write transmigration stories, so maybe I'm wrong. This is just my opinion.

 

[Rudia_Estelle]

Thank you for your opinion! I also realized that I have a problem in slow pacing so I am trying to make it more quicker in the later chapters! And again, thank you so much!