Puppet's Feedback Thread (pay with comments)

[TUSOG]

Here's my story. I am definitely checking out yours. I am a new writer so any feedback is appreciated.

The Sacrifice | Scribble Hub

 

[SummerSweetTea]

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia

Gemstone Princess: The Rise of Amalia is a magical adventure that takes Amalia from the non-magical world of Elca to the magical Lita. When a dark curse crosses the boundaries between worlds and impacts Amalia's village, she learns that the curse is looking for her. The only way to stop...

www.scribblehub.com

I've only recently joined so I haven't dived into anyone else's stories quite yet but I will definitely give yours a look in exchange for a look at mine :) Up until now, I've kept this story pretty heavily under wraps because I'm not confident on it at all... but I decided I'll never know if I don't put it out there.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Thanks for the feedback. I don't know if you have read the synopsis, but there I said that it's my first time writing a story, and English is not my first language, which may be why I have problems with the flow/grammar. Also, the chapters already released were from months ago, I don't know if I've made some improvement since then, but I think I write more detail now(maybe?), and as you said, I should stop using numerical measurements.
For the part when it felt like an outsider, I wanted to show that he was inside his dream but couldn't control anything, even his emotions. I should have added more detail in the dragon at that time, but the rift in itself is described in a few chapters when he crosses through one.
Thanks for the feedback. I will try to improve on those points.


Edit : I've tried to change the description a bit for the dragon and the pillar (that can be a bit weird since it's different from the rest of the chapter)
Here what I added : A deep sigh came from the young man. Electric arcs formed close to him. The sky seemed to darken suddenly, and dark clouds merged when a pillar of lightning resembling a celestial spear that would bring a divine judgment upon this plain seemed to pierce the heavens, its brilliance illuminating the sea of beasts below. The pillar struck the ground with a thunderous impact, unleashing a cataclysmic explosion that rippled across the vast plain, killing thousands of beasts.

And for the dragon : The sound of shattering glass shook the whole plain when a colossal dragon’s head filled with silver scales slowly emerged from it, eclipsing the sun. Seeing this monstrosity appear in the sky above the plain, the faces of all races darken, and a feeling of despair fills each of them at this sight.

I don't really describe the dragon since he just suppose to appear briefly and we didn't see his whole body.

I totally understand.
As you are right now, you pretty much match up with any starting native English writer, so I'm still pretty impressed that you are able to start so high despite it not being your first language!
Being an outsider to a circumstance is a bit tricky to pull off. If you want to do it, you will really want to hammer it home. There are times for subtlety, and typically the start of your story is not the right time for it.

The description works much better! I will say, gives it a bit of xianxia-like feel, so I was not sure if you wanted your readers to connect your story with that genre. Thought I'd point it out just in case you didn't. It works great regardless!

I understand wanting to hold off describing the dragon, but I would really recommend still being doing more detail even if it is just the head of the dragon. Your first chapters' descriptions are going to affect how readers imagine the foreseeable future of your story. The face of a sentient creature affects the personality, so describing the facial expressions of the dragon will hint at the dragon's personality. This creature is clearly not just a force of nature. He is sentient enough to have a gender beyond his sex (he's a dude and not an it). You need to cover his arrogance and cruelty, and make it obvious that unlike the mindless masses of creatures, he has motivations. On top of the necessary details for personality, if you are going to make everyone in the entire plains break out of the bloodlust and carnage and fall into utter despair, you need to "explain." You will "explain" by adding the details and giving a sense of such ridiculous size and power through said details, and now the reader can feel the despair every race is going through in their heart too.
And minor note, "filled" implies that the dragon is like a vase, holding the scales within his head. "Covered" would be more accurate.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

I can't believe I missed this

Well, you probably missed this because I am as slow as a... a slow thing? I dunno. Nothing original is coming to mind.

Your stuff is pretty cleaned up, so I'll just go over the story as I see stuff. First paragraph, I would not say that it immediately grasps my attention, because it does not stand out. I would recommend giving the descriptions a bit of flair!
Prologue.
For the prologue, I would say that the advice applied to the first few paragraphs applies to the entirety.

Something along the lines of "Submerged into the depths of a night-drenched forest, a shadowy figure tore through the grasping brambles as cold night air nipped at their heels. They sprinted as fast as their sturdy body allowed. Behind the panicked figure were another four giving chase like a pack of predators chasing down their prey, loping at a quick pace with aggressive exhalations of breath. Looking closely, one could draw the picture of a teenage girl dressed in a long leather tunic that was stained with the plant life she barreled through. She panted so quickly that she wondered if they could hear her gulping breaths."
These types of changes were made because it gives the reader the illusion of being practically swimming in verdant life and shadow by likening it to an ocean (night-drenched, submerged, depths). You need to give the sense of touch, so "nipping at their heels" gives a more tactile sense of cold and adds a bit more urgency as it likens the cold night air to another, more subtle predator. You should take advantage of a perfect opportunity as referencing "the body" by sneaking in a quick adjective as to what the body is like. I chose "sturdy" because I believe she is a villager and participates in field work, so would naturally be well-defined, muscle-wise, unless she spends a bit too much time starving. The third sentence was split up into two because it was a run-off sentence. "Panting" and "breathing" is redundant.

As a rule, I would recommend that more than three commas in one sentence is normally too much (unless you are making a list for the sake of comedy, among other extraneous exceptions). You should split up your sentence if it gets more than that. For example, in your fourth paragraph, there is 7 commas for one sentence, which is way too much!

"The villagers put up a valiant resistance but were eventually all killed." This sentence is oddly emotionless. Got plans for this?

"Nina didn’t have a clue, but she somehow knew that her mentor and friend had perished in the battle" Unless this sentence implies a psychic/unnaturally empathetic connection, I would recommend (but this will change your tone, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Not sure if you have plans for the emotionless disassociation. Regardless, I worry that even if you have plans or the odd emotionlessness, it will send readers away because they won't be willing to hold out that long) that "somehow" is replaced with "just" and right after "knew," place the words "with heart-breaking certainty."

Chapter 1

I like the similarity to the Fields of Asphodel, but with Prydain instead. And the exclamation, like "Amen!" but with "Selah!" is a nice touch!

Again, I would recommend splitting up sentences into more, like this one. "The sudden passing of Lord Burgan was a surprise to everyone; despite being old the man enjoyed a healthy life and was loved by his people, during his long life, he gained a rather large number of enemies and rivals, and all of them came to express their respects one last time to the adversary they themselves couldn’t defeat in battle."

"Nina felt a little uncomfortable, she wasn’t used to social events of any kind, much less of this importance." I would recommend breaking this up into two sentences. Same for this sentence: "His expression was one of complete seriousness as if he was waiting for something to happen; she noticed that he had covered his cup with his hand to avoid being served a drink when one of the attendants tried to fill it." I would recommend that you just make sure to look through it and break up some of the sentences.

The italics work for a lot of the words you use. Just be careful to not use it too much, as it can give emphasis that you didn't intend to.

"She turned towards Verkan who noticed the exchange; the old man saw her friend with a dead-white, frightened expression and leaned towards her." This sentence is awkward, with the grammatical subject of the sentence being unsure. I put the main part in bold to make clear the part that is the confusing part to read. As a side note, after "Verkan," there should be a comma.

Chapter 2
Definitely getting that naïveté LOL! In a good way! Nice job with researching the types of armor to give a more in-depth world to the reader. I got to learn something new today as a result!

For chapters 1-2, I find the choice of bolding and italicizing the dialogue and putting hyphens to be really odd. Technically ok, and it does not ruin it at all for me, but maybe not necessary and throws off the normal conventions of dialogue. Bolding and italicizing are, after all, normally used to emphasize certain parts. Make them sound extra intense or eldritch-y/magical. That type of thing.
Grammatically, you should make sure to add commas at the end of each dialogue when not using question marks or exclamation marks to end the dialogue.

I just really like this sentence "She was a quick learner, and he, a well of knowledge he was happy to share." so I wanted to point it out to you that I really enjoyed it.

Wait. Porn stories are literally forbidden? You don't see that a lot. Nice touch!!! Getting very "Fly by Night" by Frances Hardinge from that. I think you are definitely hitting your stride more in this chapter.

"The old man has always been cool under pressure, though this time; it wasn’t him who was under attack." A comma would make more sense in place of the semi-colon. I think that you use semi-colons a bit too much.

"...she saw the challenger Nero stripping off his armor to grab his greatsword." Why is this italicized? I don't understand the emphasis.

LMFAO! Nina is one horny gal. I love the vibes. It's hilaaarious!

I would recommend that this sentence "They just weren’t making unnecessary acrobatics or flashy displays of swordsmanship, the two warriors were in fact overly cautious for only a small cut on the skin could mean the difference between victory and defeat." becomes two, and for "just" and "weren't" to switch places. But this is nitpicking, so feel free to ignore it! Just a very minor suggestion.

Me being the one to write notes on your fighting scenes rather than provide feedback. They are REALLY good. I am for sure the student when it comes to this. Thanks for the lessons, senpai!
Chapter 3
""My family is not very fond of war stories My Lord, and my father never mentioned it”" My Lord should be sectioned off by a comma on both sides.

Honestly, other than most of the general things, non-specific things I've already mentioned, nothing new and/or unique to criticize for chapter 3.

Hope you are having a great day!
By the way, do you want a rating and a review tomorrow, Bartun?

 

[Bartun]

I did not expect this! Thank you so much! It made my day!

Yeah, I really need to edit the whole thing once I'm finished with the current arc. I'm aware of the many things you pointed out, especially italicization and the runaway sentences, it's especially notorious in my earlier chapters and they're high in my list of significant changes for my next edit run. I think I'm improving with the later chapters but still need to bring them all to a better standard.

I just really like this sentence "She was a quick learner, and he, a well of knowledge he was happy to share." so I wanted to point it out to you that I really enjoyed it.

It warms my heart that you enjoyed it!

Wait. Porn stories are literally forbidden? You don't see that a lot. Nice touch!!! Getting very "Fly by Night" by Frances Hardinge from that. I think you are definitely hitting your stride more in this chapter.

Yeah, I took a little bit of inspiration. I also put some other references here and there. I never imagined someone would notice!

LMFAO! Nina is one horny gal. I love the vibes. It's hilaaarious!

Even though she's a priestess and has taken her Vows of Chastity, she's still a girl. I wanted to give her some dept too.

I would recommend that this sentence "They just weren’t making unnecessary acrobatics or flashy displays of swordsmanship, the two warriors were in fact overly cautious for only a small cut on the skin could mean the difference between victory and defeat." becomes two, and for "just" and "weren't" to switch places. But this is nitpicking, so feel free to ignore it! Just a very minor suggestion.

I will take this into account for my next revision!

Me being the one to write notes on your fighting scenes rather than provide feedback. They are REALLY good. I am for sure the student when it comes to this. Thanks for the lessons, senpai!

I'm so happy you enjoyed it! I guess I need to make the rest of the chapters as enjoyable.

Honestly, other than most of the general things, non-specific things I've already mentioned, nothing new and/or unique to criticize for chapter 3.

You missed Chapter 4! That's where the story starts to become interesting!

By the way, do you want a rating and a review tomorrow, Bartun?

That would be an honor! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique, and even comment on my humble little story! I need to check Charisma as well!

Hope you are having a great weekend!

 

[kaylawritesthepaige]

So, I have something to confess. I am addicted... to the little red notifications of SH comments.
So! *claps hands*
Post one of your fictions below, and I will do four things (each is skippable. Just let me know your preferences along with the signature, link, or title name of your fiction): 1. provide feedback and praise in this thread, though I may just limit it to feedback or to praise if it needs major help or I can't offer any help because it's too airtight and good; 2. provide a review on the page of your fiction; 3. provide a rating on the page of your fiction; and 4. comment on all of the chapters I read.
In return, as payment, please read a chapter or two of my story (or more chapters if you like it!) and gimme those sweet, sweet notifications by commenting and/or posting a review.

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello! My book is called MARS. I'd love some comments and sweet notifications as well lol. I will read your book in return. Love to make some friends on here :3

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Hello! My book is called MARS. I'd love some comments and sweet notifications as well lol. I will read your book in return. Love to make some friends on here :3

I’m sorry. I’m so slow! I hope to make it to your story within the week. I’m… I’m so slow…
Hope we can be great friends!

 

[kaylawritesthepaige]

I’m sorry. I’m so slow! I hope to make it to your story within the week. I’m… I’m so slow…
Hope we can be great friends!

I would love that!! I'm looking for friends to talk to heh

 

[_kagamineakira]

Here's mine

I Reincarnated as a Vampire - Act II

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Here's my story. I am definitely checking out yours. I am a new writer so any feedback is appreciated.

The Sacrifice | Scribble Hub

Wassup?! It is the puppet strutting onto the scene! Prepare to be blessed...by the Grammar Golem, the Mellifluous Marionette, the Dialogue Dummy!
Chapter 1
-"It started getting darker and darker and the grave robbers could barely see a thing and could only rely on their sense of touch to find a way out." Two things. 1. Be careful to avoid using "started" too much (it's a common word I see overused and it is very attractive for writers wanting to give immediacy to their writing, but it can stifle urgency instead). You already said that dusk was fast approaching, so saying that "It started..." is already implied in the earlier sentences. So make sure to go through your writing with this in mind. There are other misuses of "starting" where they would be better not included in this chapter and the next two I read. 2. Unless you are doing the inner voice (so first person or informal narrator) of a VERY informal person, don't do more than one "and" in a sentence. Generally, feeling like you need to do more than one "and" means it's time to split the sentence into more than one.
--"They had to leave in a hurry, how could they even stop and grab their possessions with all those villagers coming after them." This needs to be two sentences, with the second sentence ending in a question mark. SUPER basic thing that I embarrassingly still struggle is that when you ask questions, you CANNOT forget the question mark.

---The chapter needs some fleshing out for the robbers. As of now, you are at a crossroads for when you revise your story. You either need to go full-ham on the comedy for the robbers -overblow their panic and describe comical features. Make it very clear that you are not, and the reader should not, be taking these robbers seriously- or describe the robbers more realistically, in a way that does not make it seem like they half-assed it and actually have a background beyond Doomed NPC. Regardless of which path you choose, you need to flesh them out. As of right now, they do not have faces (I just mean that none of their facial features or expressions are described!), clothes (what types of clothes are they currently ruining as they scrape by the rocks LOL!), and only feel the emotions of panic, frustration with their teammates, and terror. In none of their dialogue do they make intelligent decisions or string intelligent sentences together. If you want to retain most of your sentence structure, in my not so professional opinion, I would suggest going the comedic route (though keep in mind that comedy requires effort too!)

This advice applies to Chapters 1-3: it is now time for everyone's favorite thing... dialogue advice! (I nearly hacked a yarn ball at my own statement! This puppet hates dialogue. It is, alas, a necessary evil though) 1. To start with is this quote from your story. "“Stop fighting. I think I found something. It might be a cave or something”," Commas should be on the inside of the quotation. 2. Dialogue followed by an action does not end in a comma. For example, ""The Stars want to play. Now." I blinked in horror at Señor Screaming Fingers' words, immediately turning tail." This is in contrast to dialogue followed by the speaker and the description of their voice. For example, ""The Stars want to play. Now," commanded Señor Screaming Fingers, his eerie warble drawing blood from my ears." 3. When interjecting non-dialogue within a set of dialogue, like your sentence "“I don’t hear anything”, the other one responded, “Still, we really need to hide just to be sure.”" should instead have hyphens. Let me show you how it, and others in the story, should be rewritten! "“I don’t hear anything-” the other one responded, “-but we really need to hide. Just to be sure.”" I changed a bit more in that sentence to smooth it out, but that isn't dialogue-specific. 4. Don't start sentences with names to show who it is saying stuff. That's a big no for dialogue. You are ruining one of the best opportunities to fit in auditory information (how it sounds, the emotion in the voice, the expressions while people are saying, etc.). I recommend a whole-sale overhaul of Chapter 2's dialogue. It's not a good habit and should be broken as soon as possible, since it is a huge story-killer.

This applies to Chapters 1-3: Character development. As I get further in the story, I think that the advice given for the robbers applies to all of the characters in the story: from Nora to the villain, and everyone in between, they all need fleshing out. I would recommend looking into how to create a visual, tactile, and auditory world within your writing.

Chapter 2
Nora comes as the rather stereotypical jade beauty, and it makes me think she is going to melt that poor lout Dante's mind. In other words, she is far too good and pure to be true. This isn't just me being... jaded (ba-dum-tsss...?). The almost hazy, drunken focus on her hyper-sexualized aesthetics gives a sense of a mind control ability that targets the lust of men (like from creatures of myth). Her extreme demureness and purity of innocence can also (mistakenly?) give the reader the belief that is an emotional mask she has in place to wrap Dante around her finger.

For chapters 2-3, I am not quite sure where to start. I am unsure where you want the story to go, which naturally makes it incredibly difficult to help you with tone, flow, and plot. There are quite a few issues, but I can't really personalize it. For less personalized advice, (but still incredibly useful stuff that may make your brain light up and be like 'Oh yeah! I made that mistake. Let's fix that!') I would recommend checking @Story_Marc 's videos on YouTube. He covers everything imaginable on writing. For more personalized assistance, I could help you over PM, but as you can tell... I'm slow to respond.

I do think this story, depending on where you end up taking it, has potential in being transformed into a comedy or fun cultivation-story/ fending-off-against-the-doomsday-villain romp. Looking forward to seeing you grow as a writer! You got this!

 

[Rivertalon]

Reborn as a Goat [ A Progression Litrpg ]

Sakai Yuji had always aspired to control his own destiny and write his own story. One day, he found himself transported to a new world, one in which magic and cultivators were very real. Upon discovering that beast could speak, humans could fly, and immortals could live forever, Sakai Yuji...

www.scribblehub.com

Please give this one a feedback.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Reborn as a Goat [ A Progression Litrpg ]

Sakai Yuji had always aspired to control his own destiny and write his own story. One day, he found himself transported to a new world, one in which magic and cultivators were very real. Upon discovering that beast could speak, humans could fly, and immortals could live forever, Sakai Yuji...

www.scribblehub.com

Please give this one a feedback.

Sure! Don’t forget to check out and to comment on my story first! And I still have 2 people in line.

 

[LunaSoltaer]

Reborn as a Goat [ A Progression Litrpg ]

Sakai Yuji had always aspired to control his own destiny and write his own story. One day, he found himself transported to a new world, one in which magic and cultivators were very real. Upon discovering that beast could speak, humans could fly, and immortals could live forever, Sakai Yuji...

www.scribblehub.com

Please give this one a feedback.

Baaaah! x3

*silly giggling noises ensue*

 

[Ge-O-Fey]

Hellossu!
Are you still giving feedback?
I would be glad if you can give one to my story : https://www.scribblehub.com/series/812971/infinity-seed/

EDIT: I almost forgot. If possible I would like you to do all 4 of what you proposes. Thank you.

 

[Lodur]

Hellossu!
Are you still giving feedback?
I would be glad if you can give one to my story : https://www.scribblehub.com/series/812971/infinity-seed/

Sorry for intruding. I've only read the Synopsis. But it made my day, already (after frustrating conversation in other thread, I was in need of some light laughter). Thanks!

 

[Ge-O-Fey]

Sorry for intruding. I've only read the Synopsis. But it made my day, already (after frustrating conversation in other thread, I was in need of some light laughter). Thanks!

You're welcome!
Actually, thank you. I am really glad I was able to make you laught.

 

[Rhaps]

Since I am reading your story anyway. Here

Infinity in the Void – Freedom in the Abyss

A girl woke up in a white room, with no memory of who she is. Yet she knew deep inside her held a power unlike anyone, represents by the markings, the tattoos of the Eight Pointed Star, given to her by an unknown force. With her power, endless possibilities was...

www.scribblehub.com

From what I read, Charisma is pretty good and unique. The mental anguish get me all giddy up~

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Since I am reading your story anyway. Here

Infinity in the Void – Freedom in the Abyss

A girl woke up in a white room, with no memory of who she is. Yet she knew deep inside her held a power unlike anyone, represents by the markings, the tattoos of the Eight Pointed Star, given to her by an unknown force. With her power, endless possibilities was...

www.scribblehub.com

From what I read, Charisma is pretty good and unique. The mental anguish get me all giddy up~

Thank you! I’ll have to get to your story soon! I’m glad the trauma got you feeling all special inside!!

 

[TheKillingAlice]

That addiction is quite understandable, good sir. I also love getting comments. So I will leave my story here, the only one I have, as of now, and might even pay you upfront on the service.

 

[LunaSoltaer]

That addiction is quite understandable, good sir. I also love getting comments. So I will leave my story here, the only one I have, as of now, and might even pay you upfront on the service.

View attachment 21070​

Best of luck!! the cover looks pretty!