The Chicken Pen (Feedback Thread)

[marvel_away]

Cold Hearted Revenge

It follows the unsuspecting life of Melissa Thompson, a young woman seeking therapy to overcome her smoking addiction. Little does she know that her therapist, Dr. Eleanor Turner, and a vengeful tycoon named Victor Kane have woven an intricate web of manipulation around her. [Image: Source...

www.scribblehub.com

Would like to know what mistakes I made and where to improve.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Reincarnated as the Goddess of the sea.

A new goddess creates her first world. To run the world she needs help, she gets this help by reincarnating three people into the three nature goddesses of the sea, land and sky. Follow as the protagonist learns what it is like to be the goddess of the sea in...

www.scribblehub.com

Currently being rewritten, but can't hurt to see what needs to be improved... I think

Hello, Kraken1. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

For the purpose of this opinion, the chick has read chapters 1, 13 and 27 of your novel. The thing this chick has noticed the most was the absence of commas throughout all these chapters. Well, there were some here and there, to tell the truth, but where they were, some of them were unnecessary, their use actually not helping in the understanding of the text, and where there should have been commas for the betterment of the text, there were none. Aside from this, the following was also noticed:

Chapter 1:​

1. Narrative time: "After saluting, I ran out of the bridge and down the superstructure back to my position", "I awaken once again in my new life. " You have adopted the present tense for your narrative, therefore, stick to it. This is more likely a slip of the mind than anything real deep.
2. Speaker identity: This is not really necessary in a novel. People usually alternate their turn in a dialogue, it is a dual thing, di-, and this way of doing it is usually reserved either for the theatre, a script, children's book (where everything is a lot more detailed than it needs to be), or when you have some very fancy conversation that does not conform to pre-established norms of A-B-A-B pattern. Less is often more, and more is reserved for the important, juicy details of a story.
3. "I also didn’t have any friends or family who are alive who are waiting for me to return" Terrible sailor mentality. Any army body creates a group mind to dissuade this kind of thinking. Especially since people in boats are expected to go together months at a time, without other people to talk to. How could they be together so long and not have formed strong relationships? A ship is a family, where every member cares for each other. The top officer is the parent of all. It has been like this, and it will continue like this because this is a very proven model of making seaman work through all the ages. Also, the protagonist had just said "I could have died of old age with the one I love" and they then say they have no one waiting for them? What a strange turn of events!

Chapter 13:​

1. General English (comma, period, subject-verb agreement…) There is so much to do on this chapter that this chick was at a loss while it was reading. Its proofreader/editor's mode turned on by default and it was doing it almost unconsciously and had to stop itself several times from dipping the feather in the ink.

Chapter 27:​

1. Redundancy: "She swiftly swims away as fast as she can." Swift and fast do not make good complements. If you are going to compare, use something else such as a seahorse, sea slug.
2. Idea Incongruence: And then there was light. The marvellous gift of light, to people who have never seen before! Ah, what a beautiful sight! And once they can see, they shall go and use the sights to its fullest! … NOT! Why?! How can you expect this to be true? Do you have two arms and once you only have a single, expect to now be able to use this only arm fully?! Because you will instantly forget everything there was about your other arm and instead use with this one instead? And what is this about seeing colours? How will they know what is a shape if they never had anything to compare with? How will they know what is a colour if they never had anything to compare with? How will they know the name of things if they never had anything to compare with? How will they know beauty if they never saw anything to compare with? How-how-how?! They are newborn viewers! Having laid "eyes" for the first time on anything, this chick would be surprised if they did not panic from so much new information their brain now had to process! A divine miracle, yes! But one which would also require coming with that of "knowledge"! And is your character the Goddess of Knowledge or of Water? For Knowledge is something so very different from Water! Unless she has mastery over all that is of Water, including all which was born in Water, and to do with them as she wishes, this is something this chick would never have imagined possible for someone who controls Water and Water alone.

Conclusion:

Overall, all your chapters have a severe lack of comma usage and of period usage. It's almost like you have some trauma from its usage. It's understandable that some people were severely reprimanded for its use, or never learned how to when they had the time to. But not using it makes a text much more confusing than it has a need to be.

This chick usually does not like to bring this to attention because commas are a staple with programs that offer edits; the same goes with periods and subject-verb agreement. These programs exist mostly to make sure you do not fail in these aspects, and therefore, being warned about these just makes this chick the bore; organic readers are much more capable at reading than machines are, able to make inferences the other cannot, since they have a much vaster repertoire, superior grammatical rule understanding, a much more flexible capacity for interpreting these rules and consequently, humans don't require perfect or near perfect writing when they read something.

It is just that the sheer quantity of times you are forgetting to employ these rules has led this bird to assume that you are doing so by a decision of "screw commas and punctuation", which has led it, a non-machine reader, a few times to over read a few sentences, and under-read others. It hopes that with this explanation, it has made it easier for you, the author, to understand that commas are not simply annoying small pieces of floating pixels in your screen, but are, sometimes, helpful of text.

Aside from this, it hopes you have a good time rewriting your novel. The other things it has chosen to bring to your attention, such as the things it had trouble questioning the logic behind, are things THIS chick had doubts about. These are things you should ponder if they are worth questioning about or not, and ultimately, are up to you, the author to decide if they are worth addressing or not. This chick does not like pointing these out because authors can be very defensive about their story ideas, and it is not really the purpose of this chick to attack anyone, but if it were to only point out structural aspects of the novel, it would be lying that nothing else called its attention while it was reading. A good story should call the reader's attention, yours called this chick because of some strange, to this chick. Perhaps to your other readers they are not. It hopes you are not offended by it. Have a good day, Legendary Mollusc.

 

[Kraken1]

Hello, Kraken1. The chick has accepted your feed and has decided to give you an opinion.

For the purpose of this opinion, the chick has read chapters 1, 13 and 27 of your novel. The thing this chick has noticed the most was the absence of commas throughout all these chapters. Well, there were some here and there, to tell the truth, but where they were, some of them were unnecessary, their use actually not helping in the understanding of the text, and where there should have been commas for the betterment of the text, there were none. Aside from this, the following was also noticed:

Chapter 1:​

1. Narrative time: "After saluting, I ran out of the bridge and down the superstructure back to my position", "I awaken once again in my new life. " You have adopted the present tense for your narrative, therefore, stick to it. This is more likely a slip of the mind than anything real deep.
2. Speaker identity: This is not really necessary in a novel. People usually alternate their turn in a dialogue, it is a dual thing, di-, and this way of doing it is usually reserved either for the theatre, a script, children's book (where everything is a lot more detailed than it needs to be), or when you have some very fancy conversation that does not conform to pre-established norms of A-B-A-B pattern. Less is often more, and more is reserved for the important, juicy details of a story.
3. "I also didn’t have any friends or family who are alive who are waiting for me to return" Terrible sailor mentality. Any army body creates a group mind to dissuade this kind of thinking. Especially since people in boats are expected to go together months at a time, without other people to talk to. How could they be together so long and not have formed strong relationships? A ship is a family, where every member cares for each other. The top officer is the parent of all. It has been like this, and it will continue like this because this is a very proven model of making seaman work through all the ages. Also, the protagonist had just said "I could have died of old age with the one I love" and they then say they have no one waiting for them? What a strange turn of events!

Chapter 13:​

1. General English (comma, period, subject-verb agreement…) There is so much to do on this chapter that this chick was at a loss while it was reading. Its proofreader/editor's mode turned on by default and it was doing it almost unconsciously and had to stop itself several times from dipping the feather in the ink.

Chapter 27:​

1. Redundancy: "She swiftly swims away as fast as she can." Swift and fast do not make good complements. If you are going to compare, use something else such as a seahorse, sea slug.
2. Idea Incongruence: And then there was light. The marvellous gift of light, to people who have never seen before! Ah, what a beautiful sight! And once they can see, they shall go and use the sights to its fullest! … NOT! Why?! How can you expect this to be true? Do you have two arms and once you only have a single, expect to now be able to use this only arm fully?! Because you will instantly forget everything there was about your other arm and instead use with this one instead? And what is this about seeing colours? How will they know what is a shape if they never had anything to compare with? How will they know what is a colour if they never had anything to compare with? How will they know the name of things if they never had anything to compare with? How will they know beauty if they never saw anything to compare with? How-how-how?! They are newborn viewers! Having laid "eyes" for the first time on anything, this chick would be surprised if they did not panic from so much new information their brain now had to process! A divine miracle, yes! But one which would also require coming with that of "knowledge"! And is your character the Goddess of Knowledge or of Water? For Knowledge is something so very different from Water! Unless she has mastery over all that is of Water, including all which was born in Water, and to do with them as she wishes, this is something this chick would never have imagined possible for someone who controls Water and Water alone.

Conclusion:

Overall, all your chapters have a severe lack of comma usage and of period usage. It's almost like you have some trauma from its usage. It's understandable that some people were severely reprimanded for its use, or never learned how to when they had the time to. But not using it makes a text much more confusing than it has a need to be.

This chick usually does not like to bring this to attention because commas are a staple with programs that offer edits; the same goes with periods and subject-verb agreement. These programs exist mostly to make sure you do not fail in these aspects, and therefore, being warned about these just makes this chick the bore; organic readers are much more capable at reading than machines are, able to make inferences the other cannot, since they have a much vaster repertoire, superior grammatical rule understanding, a much more flexible capacity for interpreting these rules and consequently, humans don't require perfect or near perfect writing when they read something.

It is just that the sheer quantity of times you are forgetting to employ these rules has led this bird to assume that you are doing so by a decision of "screw commas and punctuation", which has led it, a non-machine reader, a few times to over read a few sentences, and under-read others. It hopes that with this explanation, it has made it easier for you, the author, to understand that commas are not simply annoying small pieces of floating pixels in your screen, but are, sometimes, helpful of text.

Aside from this, it hopes you have a good time rewriting your novel. The other things it has chosen to bring to your attention, such as the things it had trouble questioning the logic behind, are things THIS chick had doubts about. These are things you should ponder if they are worth questioning about or not, and ultimately, are up to you, the author to decide if they are worth addressing or not. This chick does not like pointing these out because authors can be very defensive about their story ideas, and it is not really the purpose of this chick to attack anyone, but if it were to only point out structural aspects of the novel, it would be lying that nothing else called its attention while it was reading. A good story should call the reader's attention, yours called this chick because of some strange, to this chick. Perhaps to your other readers they are not. It hopes you are not offended by it. Have a good day, Legendary Mollusc.

I thank you for the review... I have more to improve than originally thought...

 

[MoMoKushBear]

Oh holy and merciful chick I offer you my story. I hope it is to your liking. 🫴

Wandering the World

Stan, Dariüse, and Quiet are three friends reunited through the death of Stan's wife. This tragedy leads them on a journey around the world to not only discover themselves, but also how they fit into the world around them. Stan wants revenge against the powers that be, but who...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Firstly, this chick has read chapters 2, 57 and chapter 103 in order to write this opinion. Go and die due to those names, this chick hates unconventional names. Seriously, put a numerical list. Die. Have fun finding out which chapter is which, which you should have a way.

Unconventional? Since when are Latin numbers unconventional? Maybe in your illiterate lands. Heck, they are not even names, but rather titles. How can be a number a name? Come on. And to make matters worse, you are an author yourself that uses Chapter 1 – Scene 1 – A beginning as title. Hey, if you are nitpicky like this - which is fair enough - I expect at least some consistency, not to mention competency. A bit more effort please.

Needless redundancy, paragraph logic: "Some duchies were small (…) its military might." You are trying to make a point, a point with "Duchy", but you're also repeating it too much.

It seems the repetition as a rhetorical device is lost on you, which is fair if you didn't demand in your next point affirmative language. Come on. Show aside that stupid English rule. I know you don't like repetitions for some stupid reasons and your style guides discourage it, but you are just being silly here. It is such an ugly pronoun. So nondescriptive. So redundant.

You also fail to give this paragraph a conclusion. This is not good. What is this duchy? Why is it important? You have created expectations, but you left your readers in a cliff, a logical and expectation one, right in its middle and the chapter has only just begun! You should join both second and third paragraphs for better understanding, because there is no need for this section of logic other than to create expectations. Remember that paragraphs are logical units themselves: they have an introduction (of their topic), a middle (discussion of the topic), and a conclusion (of the topic).

Ah, so creating tension and curiosity is something bad now? Maybe it was deliberate to leave you hanging, maybe not. Anyway, do I need to spoon feed the unimaginative reader that can barely bother, apparently, to read three paragraphs to reach the conclusion. I won't.

We are here in the world of literature, not of logic. This is not an essay, chicken. You want affirmative language only to bore your reader with anticlimactic antithesis, synthesis? Seriously? This is writing, and not the Critique of the Pure Reason. You are not Kant.

Purplish language: "The Schwarz were an old, a powerful lineage (…) throughout the ages with their place firmly among" Be affirmative, don't simply enumerate their characteristics, state them. "Were an old and powerful" or "old powerful". Also: "ages, their place firmly among" is a statement of effect, cut the unnecessary "with", which might indicate, "along with others".

You stumbled across it? It got your attention, right? It grabbed it. Instead of reading over the line like usual. Because come on, old and powerful ... Very strong statement. And old powerful? Are you trying to make old an adverb here, or what? You need to put a comma here. Old, powerful. Don't improperly enumerate like you did.

With? Statement of effect? Did you never learn about the use of modal participial clauses in your chicken pen? In fact, it is a modal modifier of common use. I have no idea where you got that it can only mean along with others. With has a wide range of uses.

Incongruent Idea: "They were neither mercenaries nor bandits. They were professionals." This chick gets the idea you are comparing the proficiency of arms of knights, mercenaries and bandits, but "Professionals" was the best you could come up with?

Not the proficiency, but rather the reliability and professional ethos. Have you ever read Machiavelli? He talks a lot about it. Consdering that the word derives from profession, I judge it fitting.

All three of them are professionals in their own fields, and all of them would be a profession in a fantasy reality in its mind.

The concept of a subjective narrator seems to escape you? How easily the chicken is fooled.

Some might even argue they might find mercenaries who are more proficient of arms than cushy knights, who might know plenty of theory but not much of the real art of killing, whereas some knights might not even know how to kill.

Do you know what a knight was?

This chick hopes you get the idea. It won't mention how there might not be a distinction between bandits and mercenaries given time, or a knight might be any of these given circumstances…

In its historical sense, it makes a lot of sense. I am sorry that you are not versed in it. NA didn't have a lot of knights, I guess.

Narrative time: "Her water brings life to the vast eastern plains of Schwarzwalt. (…) even in the direst of the times." Mixed narrative time, what a great joy! You are talking about a single thing, yet you are talking about two moments! What a complete mess you made, unnecessarily!

In linguistics and rhetoric, the historical present or historic present, also called dramatic present or narrative present, is the employment of the present tense when narrating past events. It is widely used in writing about history in Latin (where it is sometimes referred to by its Latin name, praesens historicum) and some modern European languages.

The very air of the best parlour, when I went in at the door, the bright condition of the fire, the shining of the wine in the decanters, the patterns of the glasses and plates, the faint sweet smell of cake, the odour of Miss Murdstone's dress, and our black clothes. Mr. Chillip is in the room, and comes to speak to me.

"And how is Master David?" he says, kindly.

I cannot tell him very well. I give him my hand, which he holds in his.

— Charles Dickens, David Copperfield, Chapter IX

Did Charles Dickens make a complete mess? According to you, he wouldn't know wha

Why are you mixing the description of natural occurrence with storytelling? This should be storytelling, not both… "It rains, we harvested the field"

It seems that you actually didn't read the lines in question.

Her water brings life to the vast eastern plains of Schwarzwalt. Rich in minerals and nutrients, her blessing turns even the barest ground into arable land, the most unforgiving earth into fertile soil. Harvests were rich and bountiful, and the people of Schwarzwalt knew no scarcity.

The sentences itself have no mixed time. The paragraph has if, yet you seem to mix up the concepts. Contrary to your claims, the present tense is self contained. Quite inattentive of you.

Things can't happen at two different times and have cause relation, unless one happens after the other, and in your writing, you talk about the future happenings (present) and then about the past consequences, and not of "Today I know of forum members' past infidelities."

In fact, your understanding of the consecutio temporum seems rather basic. The future in the past is constructed through would, and not present tense. Talking about future from a past vantage point is completely nonsensical when present tense is unsurprisingly a present tense and has nothing to do with the past tenses. They are completely unrelated concepts and tenses.

And even if, present tense would express posterity, and not future. You seem confused about tenses really are.

All in all, go back and edit those chapters. Your writing is not so top-notch as it was led to believe.

Your writing is not so top-notch as it was led to believe.

If you are famous, it's because you have a good story, not because you are not making any mistakes.

This was a low blow even for your standards.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

I absolutely love your characterization of your review! Very unique! Can the Chicken Pen please peck at my story "The Red Marionette"?

TMP1-The Red Marionette | Royal Road

I am a puppet, by the puppets, and for the puppets!I find myself amidst so much color, with so many colors. At my heart, *buttons tremble* -Ohoho! Even my button eyes are afraid of the feeling inside of me.At my heart, I have enough greed to rival a dragon! A full-throat yell could not let me...

www.royalroad.com

Hello, TheMonotonePuppet. The chicks have accepted your feed, and decided to give you something back!

Initially, the chick who has fed on your story has read all the available chapters (1, 2 and 3) before writing this.

Chapter 1:​

1. Reference Confusion: "pop out in the room as a centerpiece so much your lips pull back, smacking open in the shape of an eye ensemble to a grin." Second-person narrative is deceptive. You can't tell people to feel things and expect them to. Every reader is different, and therefore, you have to make them experience it. When you are telling them about something, you have to make it a complete sensation. You can fail, of course, but it's a particularly glaring one when a reader gets the impression that you have not tried hard enough. In this case, this chick believes you have failed to establish rapport with the reader on the first moment that they are the character. This is obvious later, but your first "you" does not transmit enough of an image of this. It gave this bird the thought that you were trying to impress it with an order of "smile, because these are baby things", rather than "smile, because you're a character", and those are different feelings completely.
2. Idea Incongruence: "Sacrifice your happiness or else they won’t be pleased." Up to this point, everything has been very well-defined, but what is happiness? Here, you do not define what it is. And this is a very crucial point for the story. It is one thing that the MC has sacrificed, so it will probably be remembered by readers in the future. And having failed to define what happiness means, readers can interpret it as anything they wish it to be: the everyday joy, their lovers, their beauty, their life. Will the character in the future ever experience any pleasure? If so, that can be happiness, and they might remember they shouldn't feel. But they might. This is a very strange passage, one that has made this chick very confused. And to confirm, the MC later feels "wonderful", a feeling that, in this context, is in part happiness, for to experience something so great (good) is to be happy in part. Just what was the happiness that was offered?

Chapter 2:​

1. Reference Confusion: "it pumped its arms and legs up and down until it halts at attention in front of the screen." Who pumped whose arms? Who is it, it, it?

Chapter 3:​

1. Reference confusion/Narrative time: "All of this he did even though he had brought forth the humanity from Bread Goddess just so he could draw blood from her humanity. It is all a show." You got this chick here. The way this is written here, makes this chick expect this "It is all a show" to be a continuation of the previous sentence, requiring it to be "It was all a show." However, considering your normal narrator tense, present, you could have reverted to it and not done a smooth transition. While the tense is correct, the transition was very abrupt and has made it seem strange how it goes from describing things that have happened to an action being done at the moment so abruptly and so curtly, at the end of the paragraph and with five words only. This bird would suggest placing it on the next paragraph, since it links very well with its idea.

Conclusion:

Let's discuss the bigger problem. What is the story about? There is a puppet, it does things, but what connects what it does? There are metafiction elements in the story, such as mentions of the RR site element being mentioned here and there, yet that is not what the story is about. The first chapter does not link into the second talking about this, and the third does not link. Second and third both mention novel names, but will this novel be about other novels? This chick could not figure out what was behind it.

The way the story was told was interesting. Action happens; the puppet makes the world colourful (sorry for the pun); characters are being manipulated, but nothing of this matters if the next chapter does not guarantee some sort of prediction. Will it be about a bird running from a hungry predator? Three stooges doing stupid everyday life things? Or a group of young adults solving silly mysteries? So far, this bird is not sure if there is enough. Only a few lines about other novels are not enough for people to come back. The story has to be about them. Figure out what you want to use your character for, else, there is nothing "solid" linking these stories. Your writing technique is good, but your story is lacking. Figure out what you want to write, and your writing will shine even more.


Oh, yes. This bird forgot. Why would you change narrators? You start with "You" and then it's all in the third-person… why?

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Can you give me feedback too?
Here's my story that I offer you:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...is-run-by-players-western-cultivation-litrpg/
Thanks in advance!

How are you, AstraMagically? One of the chicks has accepted your offer of feed and decided to give you something back.

The chick who has read your story, chapters 1 and 30, has made the following notes and left this conclusion:

Chapter 1:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "The fact that the poisonous wound was inflicted by the very fellow acolytes he once called friends made the pain more intense and unrelenting", "Victor didn’t know clearly what happened after he ventured into the building." A poisonous wound is an original idea. Who will it poison if not the one who is wounded? A poisoned wounded is usually what happens, and also what seems to have happened according to the expectations of the author. So he came to know after coming?! But how did he come to know? He did not know before, and neither did he know later? So how clearly did he know in this passage? The art of knowing for five seconds and forgetting is very arcane indeed. Not very useful, however.

Chapter 30:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "By now, a portion of the forest had been cleared of trees, leaving behind wild thickets and groves that resisted eradication." We, the thickets and groves of the magic academy forest, shall resist to the brave end! To arms! … It is not what happened. Why are you writing like what is what happened?

Conclusion:
You have a parallel story going on in your chapters. This chick was more amused reading the parallel story than the author intended one, to tell the truth. It has written so many times the one which you have intended to write, with so little variance, that it was bored to death. It is not your fault, though. The MC magically remembering their old memories and then not being affected by their memories of this life in any meaningful way (where is the drama of having lived two lives, how different morals would have been and how to conciliate them) is simply something beyond the scope you have proposed yourself to write. And many other people when they decide to write this type of fantasy as well.

Continue with your well-established formula that has readers. If you want money, this is what sells, not the different. To improve, however, try to be more serious about your revision. Don't leave such silly mistakes behind: you obviously are not a native speaker, nor a very arduous student of the language. But these kinds of mistakes are the kind of stuff this chick would expect of someone who is not trying hard enough to earn money.

 

[AstraMagically]

How are you, AstraMagically? One of the chicks has accepted your offer of feed and decided to give you something back.

The chick who has read your story, chapters 1 and 30, has made the following notes and left this conclusion:

Chapter 1:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "The fact that the poisonous wound was inflicted by the very fellow acolytes he once called friends made the pain more intense and unrelenting", "Victor didn’t know clearly what happened after he ventured into the building." A poisonous wound is an original idea. Who will it poison if not the one who is wounded? A poisoned wounded is usually what happens, and also what seems to have happened according to the expectations of the author. So he came to know after coming?! But how did he come to know? He did not know before, and neither did he know later? So how clearly did he know in this passage? The art of knowing for five seconds and forgetting is very arcane indeed. Not very useful, however.

Chapter 30:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "By now, a portion of the forest had been cleared of trees, leaving behind wild thickets and groves that resisted eradication." We, the thickets and groves of the magic academy forest, shall resist to the brave end! To arms! … It is not what happened. Why are you writing like what is what happened?

Conclusion:
You have a parallel story going on in your chapters. This chick was more amused reading the parallel story than the author intended one, to tell the truth. It has written so many times the one which you have intended to write, with so little variance, that it was bored to death. It is not your fault, though. The MC magically remembering their old memories and then not being affected by their memories of this life in any meaningful way (where is the drama of having lived two lives, how different morals would have been and how to conciliate them) is simply something beyond the scope you have proposed yourself to write. And many other people when they decide to write this type of fantasy as well.

Continue with your well-established formula that has readers. If you want money, this is what sells, not the different. To improve, however, try to be more serious about your revision. Don't leave such silly mistakes behind: you obviously are not a native speaker, nor a very arduous student of the language. But these kinds of mistakes are the kind of stuff this chick would expect of someone who is not trying hard enough to earn money.

Thank you for the feedback, so most of the problems you mention here is redundancy, huh?

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Thank you for the feedback, so most of the problems you mention here is redundancy, huh?

The words you have chosen to describe the scene were strange. They did not describe the scene as you had imagined it to, at least, in this chick's mind. By writing the words this bird have coloured differently, you have brought ideas that were different from those which you seem to have had when you initially had when writing:
1 - You meant to say "poisoned wound", not "poisonous".
2 - There is no need for "clearly". If you put the clearly here, it means there is a faint knowledge, whereas, from what was priorly described, there should not have been any knowledge of what had been happening inside that academy.
3 - You talk about plant life resisting destruction, and considering this is a fantasy world, this bird would imagine the trees have become Treants and Dryads and have taken to arms. From now on, the next time your character comes with the Axe to lumber, they will be met with armed resistance and a shout of protest: "NO MORE LUMBERING! PLANTS HAVE RIGHTS AS WELL!"

In the conclusion, what it has to say is, you are simply repeating what others are doing. Your story, while it is entertaining, is lacking in that originality that would make you shine among so many others. It is hard to be original, even if a tiny bit, and since there is not much originality, polish that which you know how to do best, copying and modifying the already done: don't let these idea freaks go past your edits. Or better, make use of them, because Idea freaks are originals.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Can you please taste this and let me know your opinion?

Prey (Monster LitRPG/Progression)

A vengeful duo, united in a single body on a revenge quest, wielding a monster turned sword. Betrayed by his companions, including his once-trusted best friend who fatally wounded him, Atreus Eastel awakens three years later in a desolate realm only to realize he's not entirely human. Rather...

www.scribblehub.com

Note: chapters 1 & 6 to 10 were written using ai assistance, though you are free to pick what you want.

How are you, Deaath? One of the chicks has accepted the feed but it had some problem digesting the content.

The bird had been eating chapter 1 of your offer when it came upon some pieces that turned out to be indigestible:

Chapter 1:​

1. Idea Incongruence: "I felt intense rage and hatred revolting and taking over me screaming for revenge." Obviously, your AI made you write wrong. The hatred revolted against its owner, and now the MC has to fight against their emotion! It should have been "revolting hatred taking (…)" The A.I. is not ready to suggest real edits. If you are going to be paying for edits, look for someone who actually knows to read and understands what you are writing. It might do away with the glaring mistakes, but when it is not ready to tell you when a sentence makes sense but is not the correct context you want.
2. Idea Incongruence: "I was too hungry to think ahead." Yes, so says the author before the MC opening Status! And after doing marvellous analytical thinking! Let me tell you, you don't use such powerful sentences as "can't do something" just to right ahead do the opposite! Unless you want to write comedy. And that is not what you are trying to write, are you? Doesn't seem to be.
3. Idea Incongruence: "I didn't quite like how it looked, so I used some water to fix it (…) (You have taken 8 damage from starvation)" Have you ever starved? No, wait, obviously not. Have you ever hungered for food? Have you ever thirsted for water? And then you saw a mirror and thought to yourself, "Oh, let me just fix my looks because I can't look bad to my crush."

Conclusion:

Do you know the difference between a fantasy and a delirium? A fantastic world is one of the possible, and a delirium is where things are only possible because they have forgotten even the basic concepts, tenants of reality. Your novel is a delirium. Someone who is starving has logic thinking, after you have said they do not have, has been taking damage and is about to die, stops to admire their visage and fix their hair? Tell this bird, if someone who is about to die of hunger is not prioritizing finding food, when would they prioritize? When they are about to die from over eating?! There's a difference between writing fiction and writing madness! Go back and think again what you are trying to write, because this bird here can only see the mad delusion of someone who has forgotten what makes reality real and has left everything up to an AI to do things for them! If even that! This has no base in reality whatsoever.

 

[Deaath]

Thank you, sir.

The hatred revolted against its owner, and now the MC has to fight against their emotion! It should have been "revolting hatred taking (…)" The A.I. is not ready to suggest real edits.

I will admit, that's my fault for not proofreading the edited text.

1. Idea Incongruence: "I was too hungry to think ahead." Yes, so says the author before the MC opening Status! And after doing marvellous analytical thinking! Let me tell you, you don't use such powerful sentences as "can't do something" just to right ahead do the opposite! Unless you want to write comedy. And that is not what you are trying to write, are you? Doesn't seem to be.
2. Idea Incongruence: "I didn't quite like how it looked, so I used some water to fix it (…) (You have taken 8 damage from starvation)" Have you ever starved? No, wait, obviously not. Have you ever hungered for food? Have you ever thirsted for water? And then you saw a mirror and thought to yourself, "Oh, let me just fix my looks because I can't look bad to my crush."

Does changing the sentence "I was too hungry to think ahead" to something like "Hunger clouded my mind" fix it or make it less bad? English is not my native language, so I'm not quite sure.
Thank you again for bringing it up, None of that really came to mind when I started writing. I will go slowly through my chapter again to fix such cases.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Thank you, sir.

I will admit, that's my fault for not proofreading the edited text.

Does changing the sentence "I was too hungry to think ahead" to something like "Hunger clouded my mind" fix it or make it less bad? English is not my native language, so I'm not quite sure.
Thank you again for bringing it up, None of that really came to mind when I started writing. I will go slowly through my chapter again to fix such cases.

I'm not sure what that would change … if hunger clouded the character mind, how would that relate with the passage? Read the passage, think what that has to do with anything. From this chick's understanding, you tried to make your character seem in a hurry, acting on its impulses when you said "too hungry to think ahead", but it had just had a lengthy string of analytical thinking, having considered how its field of view had changed. A person does not notice its field of view has changed that it can now see in the dark unless it is paying attention to its surroundings. The senses are something that comes naturally to us, so much so that once we are too long in a place that smells bad we do not realize it smells bad any longer. We do not realize that our eyes have adapted to poor light condition, that we have been in a place that is very loud for long. Our bodies dictate the rhythm and our consciousness is busy doing more important things, such as trying to navigate through a dangerous situation or looking for that very precious food that your character should have been looking for. Only when it's idle, do we notice how different we are from five hours ago due to having the presence of mind of noticing to go, "wait, shouldn't I not have been able to see in a place this dark? I mean, where is light even coming from?"

 

[KingMusa]

Not sure if you remember Wise Chicken, but you've given feed back another anither story of mine before.

I'm here with a different story, it's a rewriting of my most successful story and i'd like your opinion on it. It currently only jas 9 chapters and each chapter is below 1,600 words, so they're quick to get through, anyway enough talking, I'll let my story do the rest!!!

Elenora's Academy of Magicka: Ken Granfold

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Here chicky chicky. My Grain might be a little unripe, but I hope there's a kernel of goodness to it.

Hello, OatMush, the Chicks are still alive and have decided to accept your unripe kernel and give you some truths back.

Firstly, for the purpose of these truths, the Chick has read chapters 1 and 6 of your corn. It took some time, but it was not due to the maturity of your writing, but due to the chicks have been busy these days. They would like to extend a very long apology, but the following text might not be that long, unfortunately.

Chapter 1:​

1. Awkward phrasing: I only very rarely ditch my chores nowadays"with just the faint light slipping through the cottage's shutters we can all see fine." Nothing wrong here, it's just that the way you weaved your words made this somewhat awkward. You attempted some local dialect feeling, but at other instances, the character is using other ways of structuring the sentence, and therefore, it breaks the pace, hence, awkward. It makes perfect sense, and anyone who knows English would not have problems understanding, but if you have a standard, a rule which you follow, you should stick to it. Don't break it without a reason to.
2. Typo?: "I don't know how much it cost but the shells decorating it alone must be 5nail." 5nail? 5 nail? Did you proof your text before uploading?

Conclusion:

What, nothing on chapter 6? Nope! Your writing is quite good as a matter of fact, and if there is anything that should be addressed it is to be found between the lines, and outside of them, and not in the lines of your text! Which might be a good sign, or not, it all depends on how you interpret this.

Your writing is quite good, as a matter of fact. This chick has ridden and read quite a few boats/novels and had no concerns whatsoever with your writing. It was expecting quite a bit of lewdness when it heard of orcs and goblins, but if there was, it was skipped on the selection of chapters. There is story progression, as a matter of fact, and if there is anything lacking here, it would be a bit more of editing on the text (which should be noticed on the story's first chapter).

The character did not continue with its quirkiness of thoughts, and if it had continued to do so, it might have been that you were trying to assign such strangeness to the character's way of thinking. It being absent means that you should do some more characterization of your MC, and how she does think. Once you have decided on it, go back and make sure she follows through it, and forward by writing this way. Inconsistencies are the hallmark of bad writing, and it's through them that plot holes develop (or lack).

Aside from this, not much else been read by this chick, therefore, not much else can be said. On the first chapter, we did have a somewhat strong-willed character, and although the development seems to have turned into a rather morose situation, seeing how she was considering skipping work by defying her family, hoping for a better marriage, this is the writing direction you have decided on, and certainly a possible one. The other chapters were not read, and therefore, this bird will abstain from commenting further in this review since it is unknown what has happened.

 

[FrozenOverTheMoon]

Oh mighty chick. I have only just got around to uploading my book on this platform; 2 chapters so far. How much more grain do you desire?

My story is mostly on Royal Road, but Im unsure if you want to read eat on that platform.

 

[OatMush]

Hello, OatMush, the Chicks are still alive and have decided to accept your unripe kernel and give you some truths back.

Firstly, for the purpose of these truths, the Chick has read chapters 1 and 6 of your corn. It took some time, but it was not due to the maturity of your writing, but due to the chicks have been busy these days. They would like to extend a very long apology, but the following text might not be that long, unfortunately.

Chapter 1:​

1. Awkward phrasing: I only very rarely ditch my chores nowadays"with just the faint light slipping through the cottage's shutters we can all see fine." Nothing wrong here, it's just that the way you weaved your words made this somewhat awkward. You attempted some local dialect feeling, but at other instances, the character is using other ways of structuring the sentence, and therefore, it breaks the pace, hence, awkward. It makes perfect sense, and anyone who knows English would not have problems understanding, but if you have a standard, a rule which you follow, you should stick to it. Don't break it without a reason to.
2. Typo?: "I don't know how much it cost but the shells decorating it alone must be 5nail." 5nail? 5 nail? Did you proof your text before uploading?

Conclusion:

What, nothing on chapter 6? Nope! Your writing is quite good as a matter of fact, and if there is anything that should be addressed it is to be found between the lines, and outside of them, and not in the lines of your text! Which might be a good sign, or not, it all depends on how you interpret this.

Your writing is quite good, as a matter of fact. This chick has ridden and read quite a few boats/novels and had no concerns whatsoever with your writing. It was expecting quite a bit of lewdness when it heard of orcs and goblins, but if there was, it was skipped on the selection of chapters. There is story progression, as a matter of fact, and if there is anything lacking here, it would be a bit more of editing on the text (which should be noticed on the story's first chapter).

The character did not continue with its quirkiness of thoughts, and if it had continued to do so, it might have been that you were trying to assign such strangeness to the character's way of thinking. It being absent means that you should do some more characterization of your MC, and how she does think. Once you have decided on it, go back and make sure she follows through it, and forward by writing this way. Inconsistencies are the hallmark of bad writing, and it's through them that plot holes develop (or lack).

Aside from this, not much else been read by this chick, therefore, not much else can be said. On the first chapter, we did have a somewhat strong-willed character, and although the development seems to have turned into a rather morose situation, seeing how she was considering skipping work by defying her family, hoping for a better marriage, this is the writing direction you have decided on, and certainly a possible one. The other chapters were not read, and therefore, this bird will abstain from commenting further in this review since it is unknown what has happened.

Thankyou very much for the feedback! Don't worry about it being late, I think this is a busy time of year for most people!
As for your points:
1 - err yeah, this wasn't an attempt at feeling like a local dialect, just me being quite awkward at stringing sentences together
2 - not a typo! Just an odd way of writing currency. The currency uses odd denominations so I tried to figure out how people might say it, so for example they might say 4finger'28nail or 4finger'28. I don't know if this is a good way to go, but at least I try use it consistently.

As for your conclusion... yeah, character consistency is a big issue I'm having I think, and was a large part of why I decided to rewrite. So I guess it's something I'll need to continue working on, although I don't really want to rewrite again, but I might edit a few bits of dialogue and give her some more internal monologue to communicate why she's behaving the way she is.


Anyway! Thankyou very much for your time and feedback! Have some Christmas Cheer little chick!

Spoiler: Have a little hat!

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Thankyou very much for the feedback! Don't worry about it being late, I think this is a busy time of year for most people!
As for your points:
1 - err yeah, this wasn't an attempt at feeling like a local dialect, just me being quite awkward at stringing sentences together
2 - not a typo! Just an odd way of writing currency. The currency uses odd denominations so I tried to figure out how people might say it, so for example they might say 4finger'28nail or 4finger'28. I don't know if this is a good way to go, but at least I try use it consistently.

As for your conclusion... yeah, character consistency is a big issue I'm having I think, and was a large part of why I decided to rewrite. So I guess it's something I'll need to continue working on, although I don't really want to rewrite again, but I might edit a few bits of dialogue and give her some more internal monologue to communicate why she's behaving the way she is.


Anyway! Thankyou very much for your time and feedback! Have some Christmas Cheer little chick!

Spoiler: Have a little hat!

View attachment 24040

If character consistency is your problem, you can always have some "character growth" instead. When your character keeps changing as the story progresses, it's because they are growing. Use the growth as a plot device. Round characters are much more interesting than linear characters. Of course, give them some time for the growth to actually happen, and not between paragraphs. In case they change too fast between chapters, your story might be one where you may want to explore character growth instead of other aspects. Who knows, you might want to explore the psychological genre a bit.
Anyway, thanks for that hat! I've been getting a lot of christmas presents and It's not even the date! Have this reply and who knows, maybe these comments on this reply of mine might show you some light where you can go with your story.

Oh mighty chick. I have only just got around to uploading my book on this platform; 2 chapters so far. How much more grain do you desire?

My story is mostly on Royal Road, but Im unsure if you want to read eat on that platform.

Read the rules. I have been quite clear what constitutes something my chicks feed on. So long it's browsable and the text is selectable, it doesn't matter the website. Don't make me download anything and I'll try giving it to my chicks. Whether they return meaningful feedback or not is up to the quality and presentation of your text. Also, read the disclaimer.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Can you give my other story also a try?

Greetings, Sergeandgreen. The chicks have accepted to read your other novel and have returned to you an opinion.
Firstly, for the purpose of the opinion, chapters 1 and 79 of the story have been read. A few considerations follow:

Chapter 1:​

1. Awkward Writing: "Most couples weren’t so lucky as the birthrate of anything and everything plummeted in the recent decades", "they knew that Atlas was their last hope for a better future—for a future with a family." This bird had been tempted to call it a grammar confusion, but the second happening is hardly a grammatical one. Let's begin explaining by an easy one, narrative time. Narrative Time is from where your narrator is: in the case of your story, it is in the future, since they are using past tense verbs (weren't/plummeted/knew). Discourse time is the time fixed by your text. And Story Time is the relation between Narrative and Discourse. Why does this feathery animal have to explain this? Because you have both used past simple and past perfect in your discourse. Perfect predates simple, therefore, if you are going to describe a simple event, you must use perfect tense. This is a mistake of grammar, time and of Idea Incongruity. But this chick can't decide which one would be the correct call, since they are all linked together, due to its nature. In the end, it's bad phrasing.
2. Bad English: "So average in fact that he didn't knew if it was programmed to be that way." He didn't knew? Enough said.
3. Awkward Phrasing: "Most people who had already accepted that they would be the last generation of humans on earth and and turned to seeking pleasure and entertainment to fill their days." What is who had? And and?

Chapter 79:​

1. Spelling|Repeated wording: "The lived more or less isolated in the swamp, lived by eating insects." They lived (…) lived? You don't have to repeat the second lived.
2. Repeating words: "any progress in his barriers. He wasn’t really worried that his barriers" Once again. You can use terms like "skill/technique" or pronouns like "it/them".
3. Awkward phrasing: "After the second connection had broken off because it mentally exhausted him quite a lot, he realized that this connection changed a lot of their plans." This sentence is so informal that it hurts. Not that the text has not been written informally, but the narrator has suddenly adopted a super-very-hyper-ultra informal speech approach out of the blue without any warnings, just because they were happy seeing their b3st g1rl again. H3rm10n3 is w0rth it but pl0x. Consistency is key.

Conclusion:

Your story could benefit from a bit more attention from the post-writing edition department. There are spelling mistakes, some very informal sentences that are in contrast to other parts of the text, but this might just be our first-person narrator (when did the narrator become first person, huh? Could you explain that?) letting his enthusiasm contaminate the otherwise somewhat impersonal narrative.

Once you have improved the consistency of the language, this feathered creature that reviews would have to really evaluate the story to be able to give more promising feedback, and such things would require reading many more chapters. A doubting challenge considering how little time is usually dedicated to these tasks (not that the few hours that are dedicated to reading are few).

 

[Sergeandgreen]

Greetings, Sergeandgreen. The chicks have accepted to read your other novel and have returned to you an opinion.
Firstly, for the purpose of the opinion, chapters 1 and 79 of the story have been read. A few considerations follow:

Chapter 1:​

1. Awkward Writing: "Most couples weren’t so lucky as the birthrate of anything and everything plummeted in the recent decades", "they knew that Atlas was their last hope for a better future—for a future with a family." This bird had been tempted to call it a grammar confusion, but the second happening is hardly a grammatical one. Let's begin explaining by an easy one, narrative time. Narrative Time is from where your narrator is: in the case of your story, it is in the future, since they are using past tense verbs (weren't/plummeted/knew). Discourse time is the time fixed by your text. And Story Time is the relation between Narrative and Discourse. Why does this feathery animal have to explain this? Because you have both used past simple and past perfect in your discourse. Perfect predates simple, therefore, if you are going to describe a simple event, you must use perfect tense. This is a mistake of grammar, time and of Idea Incongruity. But this chick can't decide which one would be the correct call, since they are all linked together, due to its nature. In the end, it's bad phrasing.
2. Bad English: "So average in fact that he didn't knew if it was programmed to be that way." He didn't knew? Enough said.
3. Awkward Phrasing: "Most people who had already accepted that they would be the last generation of humans on earth and and turned to seeking pleasure and entertainment to fill their days." What is who had? And and?

Chapter 79:​

1. Spelling|Repeated wording: "The lived more or less isolated in the swamp, lived by eating insects." They lived (…) lived? You don't have to repeat the second lived.
2. Repeating words: "any progress in his barriers. He wasn’t really worried that his barriers" Once again. You can use terms like "skill/technique" or pronouns like "it/them".
3. Awkward phrasing: "After the second connection had broken off because it mentally exhausted him quite a lot, he realized that this connection changed a lot of their plans." This sentence is so informal that it hurts. Not that the text has not been written informally, but the narrator has suddenly adopted a super-very-hyper-ultra informal speech approach out of the blue without any warnings, just because they were happy seeing their b3st g1rl again. H3rm10n3 is w0rth it but pl0x. Consistency is key.

Conclusion:

Your story could benefit from a bit more attention from the post-writing edition department. There are spelling mistakes, some very informal sentences that are in contrast to other parts of the text, but this might just be our first-person narrator (when did the narrator become first person, huh? Could you explain that?) letting his enthusiasm contaminate the otherwise somewhat impersonal narrative.

Once you have improved the consistency of the language, this feathered creature that reviews would have to really evaluate the story to be able to give more promising feedback, and such things would require reading many more chapters. A doubting challenge considering how little time is usually dedicated to these tasks (not that the few hours that are dedicated to reading are few).

Thanks, I will try to fix it as soon as possible. And once this average farmer grows better crops, he would be happy to feed this chicken with better food.

Greetings, Sergeandgreen. The chicks have accepted to read your other novel and have returned to you an opinion.
Firstly, for the purpose of the opinion, chapters 1 and 79 of the story have been read. A few considerations follow:

Chapter 1:​

1. Awkward Writing: "Most couples weren’t so lucky as the birthrate of anything and everything plummeted in the recent decades", "they knew that Atlas was their last hope for a better future—for a future with a family." This bird had been tempted to call it a grammar confusion, but the second happening is hardly a grammatical one. Let's begin explaining by an easy one, narrative time. Narrative Time is from where your narrator is: in the case of your story, it is in the future, since they are using past tense verbs (weren't/plummeted/knew). Discourse time is the time fixed by your text. And Story Time is the relation between Narrative and Discourse. Why does this feathery animal have to explain this? Because you have both used past simple and past perfect in your discourse. Perfect predates simple, therefore, if you are going to describe a simple event, you must use perfect tense. This is a mistake of grammar, time and of Idea Incongruity. But this chick can't decide which one would be the correct call, since they are all linked together, due to its nature. In the end, it's bad phrasing.
2. Bad English: "So average in fact that he didn't knew if it was programmed to be that way." He didn't knew? Enough said.
3. Awkward Phrasing: "Most people who had already accepted that they would be the last generation of humans on earth and and turned to seeking pleasure and entertainment to fill their days." What is who had? And and?

Chapter 79:​

1. Spelling|Repeated wording: "The lived more or less isolated in the swamp, lived by eating insects." They lived (…) lived? You don't have to repeat the second lived.
2. Repeating words: "any progress in his barriers. He wasn’t really worried that his barriers" Once again. You can use terms like "skill/technique" or pronouns like "it/them".
3. Awkward phrasing: "After the second connection had broken off because it mentally exhausted him quite a lot, he realized that this connection changed a lot of their plans." This sentence is so informal that it hurts. Not that the text has not been written informally, but the narrator has suddenly adopted a super-very-hyper-ultra informal speech approach out of the blue without any warnings, just because they were happy seeing their b3st g1rl again. H3rm10n3 is w0rth it but pl0x. Consistency is key.

Conclusion:

Your story could benefit from a bit more attention from the post-writing edition department. There are spelling mistakes, some very informal sentences that are in contrast to other parts of the text, but this might just be our first-person narrator (when did the narrator become first person, huh? Could you explain that?) letting his enthusiasm contaminate the otherwise somewhat impersonal narrative.

Once you have improved the consistency of the language, this feathered creature that reviews would have to really evaluate the story to be able to give more promising feedback, and such things would require reading many more chapters. A doubting challenge considering how little time is usually dedicated to these tasks (not that the few hours that are dedicated to reading are few).

While editing the story, I realized that I am uncertain about what you mean by "informal," or at least, I had never considered that informality might be considered detrimental to a novel. Doesn't formal speech sometimes make the narrative sound robotic and unpersonal?

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Thanks, I will try to fix it as soon as possible. And once this average farmer grows better crops, he would be happy to feed this chicken with better food.

While editing the story, I realized that I am uncertain about what you mean by "informal," or at least, I had never considered that informality might be considered detrimental to a novel. Doesn't formal speech sometimes make the narrative sound robotic and unpersonal?

There are several levels of formality. Unfortunately, in the west, formality is not given much awareness unless it comes to slangs and a few situational occasions where you should not use certain ways of speaking (Avoid using word X, word Y) but it is in fact something that is part of all human cultures, West-East alike. It is just that in Eastern ones, you have much more awareness of when you are being informal than in Western ones.

Does it make mechanical when you are being formal? I was being somewhat formal while talking to you up to now, yet not enough to warrant being called mechanical, was it? I could have made it being much more rigid, strict to an even more strict set of rules that tell me which grammatical rules I should use when addressing someone on the internet who is not close to me, which verbs I should avoid, such as personal expression, feeling verbs and so on, and that would be me being even more formal.

What your narrator sometimes lacks, however, is impersonality. In that passage, it was as if the narrator had suddenly decided to have a very sincere talk with the reader, almost to the point I was expecting you to address me, the reader, with "You". Whereas, other times, you keep a certain distance from your character, at that passage it was almost personal, so full of emotion and feelings. And only that one, had. There should have been a comma between the "off" and "between", to make it less informal without changing the wording.

In the end, it was just real passionate writing. Do take it with a grain of salt. It's just that I have found it very weird how passionate that sentence was when compared with others, and when I sounded it to my ears, it really did seem so casual, compared to everything else, that was the best thing I could say. It was a sentence full of emotions, and the emotions came at a strange time for the story. At least, proportional to what I had been expecting before and after.