Greetings, EldrichPotato. Thanks for choosing the Chicken Pen. We are happy to deliver non-timely feedback.
Firstly, as it has been requested, the chick has fed on your "The Orca's Serenade" for the purpose of this feedback. Chapters "Prologue", 10 and 21 have been read and, summing up this opinion in as few words as possible, your story could benefit from a second reading, for a few timely edits; otherwise, you have an interesting story.
Prologue:
- Idea Incongruence: "This was exactly what Mother had warned her about. Gone were the times when her kind were hunted." This bird is confused. A time when they are not hunted, yet a time when they are hunted is here? Could you have been more confusing with your words, author? You could not. This chick was tempted to give you the benefit of doubt that your characters were just confused, but then it remembered what a hunt can be: to pursue with intent to capture, to search out; to drive or chase, especially by harrying (in this case, with their boats). And there was never a description more aptly for what people do to Cetacea than to hunt them, be it for information regarding their habits, habitat, ecotourism or for their flesh. The hunt has never ceased, and probably won't so soon.
Chapter 21:
- Idea Incongruence: "To call it darkness would be wrong, there was no light to see any darkness." Ah yes, this feathered creature understands what you want to say, but your figure here is wrong. You mistake Shadows and Darkness. Shadows only exist in the presence of light, whereas Darkness exist even where there is no light. For Darkness does not require Light to exist, it simply exists more vividly if it has Light, being more obvious with Shadows. Shadows, the materialization of Darkness. Whereas, Darkness is the absence of Light. Perhaps in your native language, or in your personal dictionary, it would make sense in your analogy, but understand that not all Darkness is Shadow, and therefore, saying that Darkness cannot exist without Light is also to say that Light cannot exist without Darkness, and therefore, you are making it a very strange analogy where a world is only possible in the presence of Light-Darkness, and never without each other. To deny one side like you have denied here is to deny the existence of that which you are also saying exists in its absence. And in written, it becomes that much harder for you to defend yourself, because you were clear here, for "darkness" must be seen, whereas darkness is the absence of light, and not shadows, the reflection left by light when it is deflected from something, yet called "darkness".
- Misspelling: "Well… maybe it was more who Voila". The character's name? Really? It had happened before, back in chapter 10, but this? Voila? Are you doing a second reading, perchance?
- Reference Confusion: "The power had no issues after that and her panic had finally given way to boredom," "it lacked anything for Eva". Ah yes, the power had no issues… you mean there were no more power issues, not that the power had issues. After all, if the power had issues, that would have been serious! When you are not doing a negative sentence, you don't say "lacked anything" but instead "lacked everything".
- Repeated Concept: "At the very least it wasn't dark. Something dark suddenly shot out of the depths". This bird gets you might have wanted to continue the concept of "Darkness" and "Light" here, but it's "Shadow" and "Light", and even the repetition, when outside the context, might instead, become a bore. Darknesses don't usually shoot out of place unless they have a will of their own, though if I'm not mistaken here, you are playing with Viola's colour?
Conclusion:
Strangely enough, this bird has found that your first few chapters were more consistently written. Have you perhaps edited them already and your up-to-now latest chapter, 21, have not? There were quite a few things that were odd by chapter 21, but which, having your reader lasted up to them, they have already grown used to your style and probably are not going to fuss as much, at least not so soon.
A few weird choices, either of words or of how you have phrased the sentence, is what has called out to attention the most for this chick. Although the story is interesting in itself, sometimes as you are defining some elements of it, either because you have an odd grasp of the language, or because of how you understand it to be, you let these peculiarities come through giving rise to non-standard writing, either creating confusion or conflict within the text. This is nothing serious, it's something that can be ignored by people who want to read your story, but it is also something that you could iron out if you reread, assuming you are not doing these on purpose, mostly out of distracted thoughts. All seems to indicate these are remnants of your everyday way of thinking, let's call it private language, instead of the normal one you usually employ when writing, and therefore not something you should be overly worried about. If they are not, you could try paying more attention to how you sentence things and ask for a second opinion from someone who is more aware of the language than you are.
All that said, your story is interesting, a welcome reprise from the usual fantasy. It had been a while since this feathered creature had an encounter with a Cetacea-mermaids, and it is glad to see it being used once again.
Have a good day, Magical Potato Writer.
This is in a clear breach of the OP. Therefore, no feed will be given back.
I really appreciate it. I'll spend more time proofreading!
