Unreliable Feedback v2

greyblob

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I am removing the numbered rating as I don't feel like it's adding anything of value. It's also often inaccurate as most works improve over time.

ATTICLover said:
I will not refuse a review so here. Just started writing 3 days ago and I don't know if I'm progressing smoothly. I have 600+ total views and 60 average viewers so... I dunno. I'm resting today but hopefully you enjoy.

www.royalroad.com

Symphonia: Rebel Against the World of Machines and the Sleepless Cities of Rhythms! | Royal Road

"The night city is always glimmering with life isn't it? Millions of lights, all of them feels alive at night and they pulse their heart for one reason. It's Music!" -Martin Forth, The Soundtrack of Defiance (3rd Live Concert ver.) The Musical Revolution had began after the rumor of an ancient...
www.royalroad.com www.royalroad.com
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read up to: The Brightest Popstar: Li Xiyun


This is another unorthodox one for me. Let me start by saying that the first two chapters were complete gibberish to me. I had no idea who was who and what was what.

The third chapter was my first introduction to the characters. I actually liked them. They felt alive and expressive. The dialogue was also decent. To be honest I didn't have much faith after the first two unintelligible chapters.

There are some awkward phrases and sentences, some in dialogue as well. They're not abrasive and I think they'll lessen over time.

I'd say my biggest issue reading this was the formatting. That's the reason I stopped on this chapter as the next one went back to being gibbirish. Better formatting and less floating dialogues will go a long way.

also number your chapters. no reason not to.
 
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ATTICLover

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greyblob said:
I am removing the numbered rating as I don't feel like it's adding anything of value. It's also often inaccurate as most works improve over time.


read up to: The Brightest Popstar: Li Xiyun


This is another unorthodox one for me. Let me start by saying that the first two chapters were complete gibberish to me. I had no idea who was who and what was what.

The third chapter was my first introduction to the characters. I actually liked them. They felt alive and expressive. The dialogue was also decent. To be honest I didn't have much faith after the first two unintelligible chapters.

There are some awkward phrases and sentences, some in dialogue as well. They're not abrasive and I think they'll lessen over time.

I'd say my biggest issue reading this was the formatting. That's the reason I stopped on this chapter as the next one went back to being gibbirish. Better formatting and less floating dialogues will go a long way.

also number your chapters. no reason not to.
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Thank you for the feedback. To be honest, this is my first experiment in writing.

The first and second chapter is actually introduction of the world through series of inside world references. It is narrated by a content creator inside that world so some of the quoted sentences came from the advertisements, shows and other entertainment media inside that world.

I used [this format] to quote something digital instead of "this type of dialogue".

This is exactly the feedback I need because I don't receive one to know If I'm writing good or not. One of the people I received feedback has a different contrast to yours and said that they understood the world building and the transition to characters in chapter 2.

So may I ask what you find troublesome on my formats and floating dialogues? Most of the feedback I received praised the concept and my characters but not the way I construct it.

I appreciate it very much 😎👍
 
greyblob

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ATTICLover said:
Thank you for the feedback. To be honest, this is my first experiment in writing.

The first and second chapter is actually introduction of the world through series of inside world references. It is narrated by a content creator inside that world so some of the quoted sentences came from the advertisements, shows and other entertainment media inside that world.

I used [this format] to quote something digital instead of "this type of dialogue".

This is exactly the feedback I need because I don't receive one to know If I'm writing good or not. One of the people I received feedback has a different contrast to yours and said that they understood the world building and the transition to characters in chapter 2.

So may I ask what you find troublesome on my formats and floating dialogues? Most of the feedback I received praised the concept and my characters but not the way I construct it.

I appreciate it very much 😎👍
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I understood some of the [ ] to be ad boards. Others I didn't. And as I am out of the loop, I have no idea what they mean. It's good that you've got contrasting feedback. Not every reader is the same. I might just be the minority.

about floating dialouges, I don't believe it's ever good. It's always better to identify the speaker in the same paragrapg as the dialogue. It makes reading a lot smoother
 
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greyblob

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xuduxixi said:
Thanks.

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read up to: Chapter 9: Singularis Felis

I liked the premise. Liked the MC in the first chapter. I was also willing to continue after two 'filler' chaptees with aster pov.

Then the story further focuses on aster. MC becomes dumb, confliced. MC was supposed to be 24. I can understand being purposefully immature/lazy, but I do not like incompetence. I was reading for the cat MC not aster and his isekai'd cat sidekick.

In regards to the writing and quality, I don't have much to say. This read like an average SH webnovel. The author is experimneting and lightly editing, thus there are grammatical and pov mistakes(especially obvious in early chapters). The jp-webnovel formula with floating dialogues, little details, and anime references.

There was also an issue of missing details. I'm thinking this is because you're making things up as you go. I could be wrong. For example i have no idea what is normal in this world. Is MC being this smart normal? MC is able to fully understand speech and behaves like a human (washing his hands) for example. It was portrayed as normal as the sister had no surprised reaction and just went to help him.

And the comment about Mythic rank. What conistitues the mc being mythic and how could have the store owners known in that interaction? Because he was fast? Because he could understand them and was embaressed? Because he was strong enough to force the guard on the floor from a single slap? I have no clue.

Loewenmensch said:
I'd like to see what you think of mine. It's kind of a rare genre for this site (dystopian noir with no magic). There are a lot of gay characters, but it's not BL (or any other kind of romance, really). Here it is: Only the Dead Are Cold-Blooded.

Edit: Story deleted. Never mind.
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I was late 😔
 
xuduxixi

xuduxixi

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greyblob said:
read up to: Chapter 9: Singularis Felis

I liked the premise. Liked the MC in the first chapter. I was also willing to continue after two 'filler' chaptees with aster pov.

Then the story further focuses on aster. MC becomes dumb, confliced. MC was supposed to be 24. I can understand being purposefully immature/lazy, but I do not like incompetence. I was reading for the cat MC not aster and his isekai'd cat sidekick.

In regards to the writing and quality, I don't have much to say. This read like an average SH webnovel. The author is experimneting and lightly editing, thus there are grammatical and pov mistakes(especially obvious in early chapters). The jp-webnovel formula with floating dialogues, little details, and anime references.

There was also an issue of missing details. I'm thinking this is because you're making things up as you go. I could be wrong. For example i have no idea what is normal in this world. Is MC being this smart normal? MC is able to fully understand speech and behaves like a human (washing his hands) for example. It was portrayed as normal as the sister had no surprised reaction and just went to help him.

And the comment about Mythic rank. What conistitues the mc being mythic and how could have the store owners known in that interaction? Because he was fast? Because he could understand them and was embaressed? Because he was strong enough to force the guard on the floor from a single slap? I have no clue.
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You're right i'm experimenting and it's true that i'm making things up as I write lol. I have the idea of how I want my world though.

I'm mimicking webnovel style cuz I found long paragraphs to be dizzying, but I don't know about the latest chapter—after I've read Ookami's lecture about paragraphs, I've tried to incorporate her ways in my writing.

About the comment, I don't know if you noticed, but I hinted Aster's necklace and I have a tag Artifact on my story.

I'm already tackling their characterization in my current backlogs. There's no more Aster pov.

I don't know about being 24 and still being dumb though—as far as I know early 20's are still a phase where teens transitioned into adults. I have acquaintances that are 24 and stupid. I think I found the right age where he's experienced the society, yet still not long enough to make him a boring middle-aged man.

Thanks for reading and appreciate the review!
 
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ATTICLover

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greyblob said:
I understood some of the [ ] to be ad boards. Others I didn't. And as I am out of the loop, I have no idea what they mean. It's good that you've got contrasting feedback. Not every reader is the same. I might just be the minority.

about floating dialouges, I don't believe it's ever good. It's always better to identify the speaker in the same paragrapg as the dialogue. It makes reading a lot smoother
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Thank you! This is actually what I need. I am glad that you liked my characters. This is still the whole prologue thing so I guess after I finish the end. I'll definitely focus on revising and polishing it when I post it here in SH.
 
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