For me, I think it was when I writing my story Dopeman (I think I send it over here on Friday!) and somebody said the dialogue wasn't realistic, because there was no way he could think all of this at once.
A. It was first person.
B. It was his retelling, it wasn't in the present tense.
C. He mentioned his DND stories and basically said that he did better. I didn't take him too serious after that.
Idk what you mean by worst but my friend on discord reviewed my novel and it helped so much, even if it was harsher than normal reviews:
Edit: I’ve come to realise you meant worst as in the criticism is useless, but I’m still leaving this post up in case the criticism helps anybody
It's the server dad! yeehawwwwww! So here's my review:
Go search for and read Strunk and White's The Elements of Style. It's in the public domain, so there are plenty of pdfs out there, no need to buy it. The book is old, but the grammar rules are what we still use. (You could install Grammarly or something like it, which I assume you already do because of what I said last time, but I would recommend both. That way you know when Grammarly is wrong) It would help improve your writing.
I'd also recommend you to go check the yt channel 'Terrible writing advice'.
So my first critique would be that you're doing what feels like a lot of info-dumping through the use of run-on sentences and the notes. I think it's ok to do that during a first draft as, like, notes to yourself about characters or whatever, but you've got to clean it up. It's distracting and detracts from my ability to concentrate on what I'm reading. Allow those details to come up more organically, whether through dialogue or what the MC perceives internally, etc. An alternative for this might be to put these things at the end of the chapter or in the author's notes at the end.
Second, your characters can be improved. It feels as though they're moving in a single direction. They need some flaws, or even some personality traits that the reader can hold onto. It's about the pairing of traits. For ex: I think Amelia to be the overprotective, obsessive and clingy type of yandere. But is that all there is to her character? What is she outside of these given traits? Oh yeah! She is shy too, so I assume you want to give her some of the tsundere traits too? Which instantly gives her a +1 from me. This is what I meant by the pairing of traits. When you combine different traits what you get is a unique character. But make sure it feels real and relatable!
You can also check out the character Beato, for instance, who is simultaneously both a tsundere and a yandere. She’s a bit of a complicated character, but she exhibits both the classic Tsun and Dere behaviors in her interactions with Battler, and it’s especially obvious by the time you get to the third part of the series.
You also need to work on the dialogues :/ pretty sure people don't talk like that irl, then again I'm not the best at interacting with others :(. Another thing I want to add is about the paragraphs.
Just a personal suggestion and it is fine even if you leave it as it is. Most of the readers on webnovel don't read if it's too long. It's more about their attention span nowadays. So I'd suggest you to split the paragraphs in between.
There are some occasional changes in tense, since you've chosen for present then stick to it.
I said this last time too but looks like I'll have to say this again. What motivates your characters? Amelia is a yandere but why? Is it her natural character or did it happen because of the death of someone close to her? You can also use some actions instead of just telling about your characters. It adds more depth into them.
Last thing I'd like to say is, you're the one who writes. Write what you feel is good, you'll naturally get readers who prefer your style. Just keep writing and good luck!
Despite my quibbles, I do think this is a nice concept. I would read on. But there are a few things that I do think could be looked at to make it even better. Emotion being the biggest one which would naturally improve as you work on improving the connectivity the reader has with the characters.
I apologize if this wasn't as helpful as the last one, kinda busy so wasn't really able to break it down but I tried my best ^~^
If you need my help, just dm me on discord and I'll see if I can do something to help you out. I have to say, you've improved your writing. Just keep writing and it'll naturally be even better!