Aaaah, I get to take a stab at an Ai-chan synopsis! I am not worthy.
I can't spot a lot of major things wrong here, but it does have some spots that can be polished a bit. Most of this is just nitpicking.
(post review note: just a couple minor things, I said. And then I wrote a book. I really need someone to teach my how to be more succinct, because this is getting absurd.)
It's just a little thing, but the
died one day lacks a bit of punch. It's not really specific, as everyone dies one day. You could probably add a bit more weight with a better specifier, or even by simply removing the "one day". Rina died. Rina died young. Rina died unloved. Rina died in a car accident. Rina was run over by a truck. All of those are more powerful statements than "Rina died one day".
One thing you're also missing out on with just saying "one day", is an opportunity to tell me who Rina is. All I learn about her throughout the synopsis is that she's in love with a character from a video game. Even just qualifying how/why/when/where she died would tell us something more about the protagonist.
This lack of information on the protagonist translates into a rather weird feeling once you get to
in service of a poor count. That's a great part, as it incites an immediate otome-reincarnation feeling. However, because of this statement, by this point in the synopsis we know more of Suyari's father than we know about Rina/Suyari. That's kind of awkward, as Rina/Suyari is supposed to be the MC.
MC introduction over, you follow it up with
the problem is. So it looks like you're going for the classic MC > Goal > Obstacle introduction. But placing the problem statement so early feels a little weird. We barely know the MC at this point, and she hasn't really got a goal yet for the obstacle to interfere with.
One detail about this bugs me as well. I know it's purely my personal opinion about reincarnation stories, a sentiment that probably won't be shared by most readers on this site, but I'm going to mention it anyway. Unless Rina is the world's biggest shut-in loser without a family then suddenly dying and then being
reincarnated forcibly shoved into another world and into another person's body is a massive problem. So Rina's problems don't start at finding out she's in a game. They start right at "Rina died". Like I said, purely a personal hangup. But having it shoved in my face with a "the problem is" kind of pushes my buttons.
Yep, got to vent a little. All better now. Back to synopsis feedback.
The "the problem is" sentence feels a bit on the long side as well. It almost looks like you're trying to avoid starting sentences with
and or
but by chaining things together with commas instead.
The pacing at which you reveal the numerous problems feels a bit off as well. Is too fast for a bit of breathing room with rising and falling action. Yet at the same time, it's not snappy enough to be a runaway train of issues. (snappier example: The problem is... she's stuck in a deadly roguelike videogame. The world will end in 30 years. She will die in six. Yet none of that matters because the companion...)
Finally, I'm going to quickly assume that part of the hook here is the question "is it still twincest when it's the body but no longer the soul?". If that is the case (disregard if not), then the use of she and her instead of names in the last sentence weakens that message. "The game character Rina fell in love with is Suyari's, and thus now her brother."
And finally, finally. Paint It Red: Do we even need the name of the game? Why name the game, but not her father or brother?
