This is constructive feedback for the author, not will nilly reviews. You mam, are not the author. >:
Congrats for the new thread! Going to toss my story here again but this time, I remember to put the link! :D
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/712779/god-project/
Rating: Would Not Keep Reading.
The Good
The prose in terms of sentence construction is easy to read. I noticed right away how minimalistic it normally is and that's appreciated. One of the best things authors can do is cut everything to the bone. It keeps you focused, it keeps things moving. This isn't always the case, but you're at your best when you don't get lost in the details.
Some of the character work was genuinley good as well. I LOVED when the delinquent gang took charge and started ordering people around, defending the school. If I could review a story based on moments alone, that would go into the best of list.
Your Main Problem
Some of the pacing is off. That entire first page + drags on with description and reptition.
Yes the sentence construction works on a micro level, but the overall prose is vague and meandering. Straight up hard to read. I'm going to go over a snippet of the prose, at the point where I had to stop and re-read.
No matter. It had nothing to do with her. Cut. The next sentence tells us that she's ignoring what she seeing and choosing the keep walking.
She kept her pace while walking towards the staircase, about to take her first step down to finally return her mind to schoolwork. Could be drastically shortened. "She kept pace towards the staircase, ready to return to class."
Her first step wobbled along with the building. This feels like it should be simultaneous with the next paragraph. Would she wobble or hear sound first? I imagine they would happen at the same time. The way it's presented, it also means we have no context for this paragraph as it's written.
A loud explosion rang, thunderous booming and shaking came from right behind her back. Redundant. You tell us there is an explosion, and then describe an explosion. Just in the same way that behind and behind her back are redundant. Just say something like: "A loud explsion rang from behind. Instinctively, she turned towards the sound, only to be greeted with the bone-chilling sight of a rising pillar of fire across the street. I would cut "towards the sound" here because it's implied, but this works.
The school that she attended was located in-between two universities and many, many small business buildings. Fine.
If even one of those restaurants exploded, they would have to evacuate immediately. You lost me here. Did one of those resturaunts not explode? What exploded? Are we worried that the fire is going to spread to a resturaunt?
OVERALL
I acutally liked most of it, I just think the writing needs to be more engaging and readable.
Congrats, fam. You could say the old thread stood the test of time (or at least longer than a year, lmao), but it speaks of your passion in writing and dedication to critique.
After a good night’s sleep, I decided that I lower my demands for an “indepth critique” because it could mean almost anything. Since you’ve already read my first two chapters before and wanted to see how my MC would develop, I’d appreciate that you let me know your thoughts on chapters 3-4 or even 5. Critique on my prologue would be pretty neat, too.
Access Google Docs with a personal Google account or Google Workspace account (for business use).
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Mmmmm. I run these threads across two sites, have read a thousand first chapters in the past two years. Don't feel bad, but I don't recall reading yours and I have no context to engage with chapter 3+
The prologue was short though! I'll even do a full critique/ line edit:
A man in white stood atop a mountain, surveying the vast expanse before him. As he approached the edge of the cliff, Cut. This adds nothing. his eyes fixed on a village nestled amidst sprawling fields of whimberry trees. The contrast between the lush greenery and the rugged terrain of the mountains was stark, but the man’s heartbeat remained the same. Why would the contrast make him excited/ other? I don't understand this.
Cut down. This opening paragraph could be fine scene setting. It just has some extra bits and some confusing juxtaposition at the end that I don't udnerstand.
However, if there was anything that both landscapes had in common, it should be they was gifted with the “beauty of spring,” awkward phrasing. as people say. The man never understood the significance beyond the fact that the leaves today were, indeed, nothing like in autumn. I don't understand this. he doesn't understand seasons? But he clearly understands what autumn is. Despite the vibrant blooms that enveloped the mountain, he regarded them as mere trivialities, lost in his own thoughts.
The last sentence kind of works. Maybe if there was a clue about what those "thoughts" were. Overall it's weird and meandering. If I was looking for a new story to read, I would have gone somewhere else after this paragraph.
On a higher foot of the mountain, the man walked a few more steps, with the same gaze he had since, well… as long as he could remember. As people once told him, his eyes were like that of a “broken marrioniate,” and even now, it was just as much a head-scratcher to imagine. This could be simplified. Especially if we cut out the single sentence about moving earlier. "The man moved now, his eyes fixed on the landscape. People always said his eyes were like that of a broken marrionette." I like the idea of the final bit, but just saying "head-scratcher" is weird and "imagine" is implied. Maybe include his own feelings on that? Or even infuse some personality from the prose to comment on this characterisitc.
I actually like the idea of this paragraph a lot. Eyes of a broken marrionette is a wildly vidid description, just prop it up better.
The man sat down, gazing at the horizon once more. Especially in the context of the movmenet you've written so far, this is almost commical. He's walking, he's standing, he's sitting. The audience doesn't even know what he's doing and it seems funny. “The time has come, as they say,” he muttered, hearing several leaves rustle behind him. He muttered this BECAUSE he heard leaves? That's how it's written. “Wreak havoc upon the village. This time, he will surely follow his destiny.” Kind of vauge, fantasy dialogue. I don't understand it.
It's engaging in the sense that something is happening. It's not engaging in the sense that I completely lack context and have no idea what is happening.
The forest canopy grew darker, and the looming shadow crept farther and farther across the trees, causing creatures of every size to scurry in all directions. You have yet to establish a shadow. It can't be "THE" looming shaodw. Also the descritpion of creatures is vague- maybe just deers, rabbits, etc. More specificity. The hulking figure ambled and snarled, red-stained saliva running down its teeth. Good detail on the saliva, but I was literally picturing a shadow creature. Maybe make it clear that the shadow is cast by something.
Clunky but it works, especially if cleaned up.
Those teeth were “bigger than knives,” as people say. This is the third time you've used "as people say or something similar. It's almost never going to be necessary. Just say, "The teeth were bigger than knives." Unless you wanted to put some real personality here and menace. Like" "The people of CITY once screamed that the teeth were bigger than knives. They didn't manage to say it more than once. And when the man felt the rush of wind as the beast leaped down the mountain, he couldn’t think of any animal to compare its deafening roar to. The paragraph is focused on the beast. So reverse it. The beast leapt down the mountain and the man felt the wind. Also, did the beast roar?
Clunky attempt at descriptors. Needs work. Altough I do think this is the write type of paragraph to have here.
Is this what they mean by disappointment? I’m not sure I like it, as they say, the man squinted, still looking over the horizon. I literally have no idea what that first half means. He stood up and walked on a hiking trail, hearing his buddies call his name in the distance. You also don't establish "buddies" and the prologue is almost over. You can just delete that. Actually delete the whole sentence; you're including random sentences of him moving around. Maybe to create the illusion of action or progress? But you're just wasting your reader's time.
I don't know if any piece of information conveyed here needs to exist.
For all their worries about the man in white having been in close proximity to such a monster, he still had the same eyes as ever. They as in buddies. Worried why. This is confusing and I'm left speculating what you could have meant.
To stare into the abyss was his home; to walk with it, his friend. Good.
Overall, it feels like an early draft that needs some work.
I've been lurking on your threads for a while (here and on RR), and they've been really interesting and useful.
