SailusGebel
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Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I read around two-thirds of Chapter one.New author writing their first story. Chapter 1 is long, but it's split into 3 parts. Chapters going forward are going to be split into sections.
Missing Hearts
Siblings Chris and Liah Mitchells already rocky relationship is put to the test when they, and their loved ones, get tangled up in a strange series of murders on a drive home one night. The following ordeal that sends one of them into a spiral of madness, drug abuse and...www.scribblehub.com
Before I start with the feedback, here is a friendly advice. If you will continue to write and post on SH, use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel.
I really tried to finish the first chapter, but I couldn't force myself to do so. It's not that your novel is atrociously bad, but it's simply not my cup of tea at all. It was extremely boring for me. With all of this out of the way, I can start with feedback. And I feel like it will be pretty short.
First, good parts. Overall, prose, the way you write, call it however you want, is good. I like the descriptions, I like inner thoughts, and most of the time, I like dialogues. Dialogues can be hit or miss, but I feel like they are realistic.
Another good part is characters. Though I can't say much because I read so little, kids act like kids. I like it. I even was irritated at Chris's behavior, but then I understood he is a kid, and his behavior made sense to me and, in my opinion, added to his personality.
Parts that I can't comment on. Plot and worldbuilding. The plot part is self-explanatory. I've only read part of the first chapter, so I can't form an opinion on this. Worldbuilding is the same. Though, I have a question about worldbuilding. Hockey rink in Late October? Moreover, it's an outdoor hockey rink? How?
Okay, not bad parts. The bad parts are grammar and weird phrases. Let me start with the grammar. I will use a few examples for each mistake.
“Well then why didn’t she call us? I mean isn’t that why she got you a phone in the first place”
“Oh, that’s an easy one, because you’d put us out of house and home”
No period\full stop at the end of a sentence.
"it's always mistake with you,
"isn't it normal for siblings to fight though?" asked Liah.
You don't capitalize the start of a sentence.
"Not to this degree it isn't" Evelyn calmly replied. Punctuation mistake.
And finally a couple of typos.
“Good, glad we got that settled,”.
At about 5 feet away, Chris finally started to get a good look at the women in a gray dress. Should be woman, no?
Now, it's time for examples of weird sentences.
Clouds were overtaking the setting sun, rapidly, at a pace most couldn’t think observable outside of time lapse footage. Simply a weirdly phrased sentence. I understand what it means, but it looks like broken English.
He hadn’t a clue as to why the clouds entranced him. Should be, "he had no clue". Though I can be wrong here.
The sounds came directly from behind, from a young energetic girl, with blond braided hair and wearing faded skinny With something AND wearing?
A sharp metal pain shot into the back of his head, Sharp metal pain?
And this is the end of my feedback. I've got nothing else to say. Your story was a bit harder to read than I prefer, but I feel like it's because of your grammar, typos, and weird phrases. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3-3.25 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.