Hello, could check the prologue of my story too? I started recently and, thanks to school, I have little to no experience when it comes to writing anything with more than 30 lines. Any feedback (I don't really mind where it is sent) is appreciated!
Antara was alone, struggling consnstantly stuggling to survive for another day. He fought with the weapons that he had, trying his best to lead a normal life. But time after time he failed in achieving this simple yet at the same so complex objective. He kept going own, living in...
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Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished
Chapter 1 – Game of tag
Before I start with the feedback, here is a friendly advice. If you will continue to write and post on SH, use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel.
Another thing I want to mention is your synopsis. You should rewrite it as it does no good to your story. I felt prejudiced after reading your synopsis. I thought it was yet another badly-written story judged based on the synopsis alone. What I want to say by this, if not for the feedback, I would've not given your story a chance. Even though the content of your story left me pleasantly surprised. And if you look at your total views and how many views your chapters have, you can see that this synopsis of yours is a huge disservice to your story.
Okay, with this out of the way, I can start the feedback. And I want to start with a bad point, as there isn't an awfully lot to mention here.
First of all, typos.
Running through some alleys, a hooded kid carrying in his small hand a bag so full that, if not for the way
he cared it,
Sadly, it was a necessary measure, as the prisoners
kept there were kept there were, for the most part,
A different
kind of seat started leaving his pores in droves.
Antara took his bag
from his pocked and unceremoniously dropped it between the two piles.
“Oi! The little rat is h
ere”
So, if you keep causing us trouble like that, my patience will run out.
And will not fun.”
The hoodie kid nodded slowly. He didn’t however, change his posture
in the slightly.
“Hah… Just bring that stupid newbie to me. It seems like
he is need of some reeducation.”
These are not examples like I usually do, these are the only typos that I've noticed. Considering your chapters are more than three thousand words long, it's not much. However, some of those typos could be fixed by using Google Edits or Grammarly. I don't know how many typos you have later on, but if it's on the same level, I suggest using some kind of editing software.
Another type of mistake that I noticed is unnecessary repetition.
His eyes started eyeing
Noticing that, another man, noticeably
I highly doubt these particular sentences need repetition to fit your writing style, so it would be nice to change both.
Second to last mistake, sometimes you don't split paragraphs in dialogues properly.
“But isn’t that what you so desperately desired?” The ‘commander’ asked with a slight grin appearing on his face. Edvald opened his mouth
“Hah… Just bring that stupid newbie to me. It seems like he is need of some reeducation.” Seeing the dark smile on his commander’s face, the subordinate did not dare remain there with a hurried “Of course, sir!”,
Split the paragraphs whenever you change who speaks or acts. In the first case, this,
Edvald opened his mouth should be a separate paragraph. In the second case, this,
Seeing the dark smile on his commander’s face, should be a saparate paragraph.
And lastly.
“Enough, Edvald, can’t you see you’re making it even harder for him?”
“But commander, he deserves that!! That little rat made us run from left to right like fools!”
Edvald didn't act in a way to make anything harder for MC. Saying,
"And it will not be fun." Is hardly a threat. So when Edvald says how MC deserves it, it doesn't even make any sense. You should either change the line or change Edvald's dialogue line to make him sound more intimidating.
That's it with the bad parts. I didn't notice a lot of mistakes. Though your punctuation probably needs some work, I'm not good enough to point out where or why.
What are the good parts? Well, this will probably sound underwhelming, but it's your writing style\prose. It's unique enough and overall good. Slightly less easy to read and comprehend than I would like, but overall good.
The thing is, your story is not my cup of tea, so I have no intention of reading more than one chapter. This leads me to the plot, characters, worldbuilding, and so on, I can't say much. Usually, when I read so little, I can't say a lot unless there are problems. In your case, you didn't have any problems apart from that one line. This is also a plus since I saw some stories that had a lot of logical mistakes or minor plotholes in the first few chapters.
And that's the end of my feedback. I really don't know what else to add. It's good but flawed. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3.25 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.
