Free feedback thread.

[Anon2024]

Imosspibel

 

[SailusGebel]

Looking forward to it!


Little Bamboo

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1: Reach for the Heavens

With this out of the way, I don't even know where to start. I guess I will start with the setting.

I like cultivation. I like the Chinese setting, and I like Chinese cultivation, I think it has a LOT of potential. What I don't like is the stuff that you did here. Boring combination of tropes and memes. Attempt to slightly deconstruct or change the said tropes without actually understanding why they work like that. And overall lack of knowledge of Chinese culture.

The most obvious example of what I mean here is names. So we have yú yuán = Fish Balls, yet we have weasel like Nipper. You write a joke about Fish balls, but what is Hong Cui Hua called? “That’s just how it is, sweet. Not only it should be sweetie(Hong Cui Hua isn't a GTA SA character), but it also ruins the whole Chinese setting. Don't adults use Xiao when they call their kids? It's like Chan in Japanese.

Another example is this stuff. You think I, your father, We have this meme-phrase, yet you didn't even try to adapt the vast differences between two languages, Chinese and English.

One of the reasons why it's like that, in my opinion, is the way you write. You use the same style, same types of flowery adjectives, same structure of sentences and so on. Because of the way you write, all your characters sound the same. You introduce more than 5 characters, very different characters, yet they are all the same. You don't change your prose whatsoever in their dialogue lines, you don't change your prose when you use different POVs either. Even though bamboos's POV looks slightly different at first glance, it's only because bamboo doesn't interact with anyone verbally.

Another reason is an elaboration on the tropes.
‘417 years since I landed in this crazy world.’ 417 years of work had culminated in this moment.
So apparently, we have a modern man, isekai in a cultivation world. A farmer(that shouldn't know it probably) tells Daniel a very modern idea, philosophy, or whatever you want to call it. That you should enjoy your life right here and now. How does Daniel react to this?

Foolish. He banished such thoughts from his mind, returning his attention to the sect, and the ongoing ritual.
Instead of actual deconstruction, instead of hearing a MODERN man contemplating and explaining in a monologue why he can't simply relax and be happy, we have a stupid trope that cultivators only care about power.

The man was wrong, of course. He'd died a mere half-century later. Damned fool. But, he had died happy... apparently. This isn't a proper contemplation or interesting deconstruction. And by the way, this is a good example of why your characters all act the same. You don't elaborate on their inner worlds, thoughts, or action. Your pacing is off, you keep running forward, introducing everyone briefly, and setting up new scenes hastily without letting us bond with anyone. You introduce character, after character, but with each introduction, and a POV change, I only care less about everyone.

“I am sorry… if I have offended this Honoured Elder…It was not my… intent. If I had known-”
“Enough.” And like that, it was over. There was no bargaining, no chance to plead for mercy.

Again you kinda try to slightly deconstruct the trope or subvert a reader's expectations of what is going to happen. Usually in cultivation novels MCs have such a thick plot armor that they can talk-no-jutsu out of any danger. Here you subvert it by killing him right away.

What's wrong with that? Well, because I didn't bond with Daniel, I don't care about him, he is less than a one-dimensional character, he is a plot device. Why do you even need a prologue like that?

The Golden streak traveled northeast, across black desert sands, over verdant farmlands, jagged mountains, and snow-covered tundra, It traveled out of the empire, past the final frontiers of civilization.
As it burned across the sky, it shed layer upon layer of power, shrinking and slowing, until finally almost all of it had been expended, and the core of what had once been a peak expert’s soul came to rest deep in a snow-covered forest.

This is all that matters in the prologue. Everything before this part was a waste of my time. Daniel had the potential to be an interesting character that could've served as a catalyst for future events, but he ends up as a background plot device.

On a side note, you could've shown his inner thoughts and struggles BEFORE, the paragraph where he is killed. And it would've added to the subversion of him getting killed. Imagine how he thinks of, for example, getting back home, or I don't know, thinking of a lover, in other words, you set up a flag that he WILL survive. You write something that other cultivation novels do whenever their MCs survive via plot armor, and then you crush it.

More about pacing, I will add that you basically have TWO prologues, one doesn't matter at all in its current state, and the other one does a poor job of introducing two characters. Why is it a poor job? Because it's rushed, and because chapter one is basically the same as the prelude.

You see, this, His name is Lan Tian, and he’s not happy with his current assignment. is an awful introduction. Same for this one, Her name is Hong Cui Hua, and she’s having a bad day.

Nipper darted through the underbrush, he could hear his own heart thundering in his chest. He didn’t dare look back into the darkness, but he knew his squad was close behind in full retreat. This is a good introduction. Why would you write a prelude and settle for an inferior way of introduction?

Btw, the way you write also ruins your worldbuilding.

The tendrils followed deep into the heart of his soul, Deep into the HEART of the soul. I don't know, to me, this small example shows that you juggle the words instead of having a ready cultivation system. You dance around the topic instead of calling things as is without using repetitive terms. In my opinion, it should be something like the core of the soul, the center, or something along those lines. Why? Because cultivations usually separate everything. The heart is for its own thing, dantian, soul, the sea of consciousness, bone marrow, inner world, etc, all of those things are separate. So using the phrasing HEART of the soul looks weird to me. And this is only one example.

More about the way you write.
On the ground below, elders of the Heavenly Path sect watched from their places in the ritual, Watched OVER the ritual?

A thousand-year spirit fruit that, carefully consumed, would push even a mortal’s cultivation to the profound realm within a few years. Simply a weird phrase that ruins the pacing. You can paraphrase it to make it flow better.

On the ground below, elders of the Heavenly Path sect watched from their places in the ritual, Rain ran Wrong punctuation or capitalization mistake.

He tried to burrow his consciousness deeper to escape, to hold on but a little longer so he might finish ascending, Hold on but? What does it mean?

One man had offended a cultivator, and 3 generations had hung for it. Were hung?

These visitors glow faintly to my senses. What? Extremely badly phrased.

I learned in my early years that life is a harmony; When insects tried to make my body their home, I fought them, my song futility clashing with theirs, What does my song futility mean?

Their larger forms made movement through the forest slow and treacherous. Treacherous doesn't fit the context.

And there are many more small mistakes, typos, and weird phrases. I won't post every single one of them because I'm not good enough, and I'm not an editor.

You also have some formatting issues in the paragraph from the prologue. It starts with “Scourge.” in his moment

And that's all. I've probably missed something, but with all the problems being so interconnected between each other, it's hard for me to remember and address everything. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them. If you want to explain something or If you want to have an actual discussion, I'm open to it. But please, don't start arguing with me that I'm wrong everywhere. This is just subjective feedback. If you think I'm biased and wrong everywhere, simply ignore and dismiss my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1 stars.

 

[PBJ_Time]

Do you like isekai litRPGs by any chance or do you outright despise them? Either way, please let me know what you think of my two drafts in this thread. Thank you.

Slay The Cross (Old)

Slay The Cross Synopsis Hajime is destined to kill every god in the ethereal world of Parallaxis. Sounds cliché, right? Well, he’s far from alone, as today marks the 5,000th annual meeting of the Radical Daydreamers Liberation Front (RDLF). It’s time for the “divine” to meet their maker—if they...

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Edit: I'm actually thinking of dropping the litRPG aspect of my story (or at least tone it down) because I feel like I don't know how to create a semi-believable MMORPG, lol. Either that or I can just improve on it.

 

[WaryTiger]

Thanks for the feedback, some useful stuff here to be sure. I've sent you a PM to discuss further.

 

[Nyghtwryter]

Hi Sailus, wanted to see, if you still had some free time.
Here's my story:

The Last Prince of Rennaya

You can pm me the details or post it idm.

 

[SailusGebel]

Long time no see Sailus, I've come to get bashed once again with my new story, I'm still very thankful for last year's feedback. So, please, throw me your best here in the thread.

Reincarnated as a Snake: I’m Aiming to be the Cutest

One night I woke up in the woods only to find that I had become a baby snake, the system couldn’t be any more confusing and the creatures in this place aren’t gonna wait for me to grow before having me for dinner, but I will do my...

www.scribblehub.com

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished — #0.02: I’m not safe —

First of all, sorry for taking so long to do this. I won't make excuses. I was lazy. Secondly, it's good to see you again. I hope you are doing well. Thirdly, you did improve. Although I can't remember the exact details of your previous story(it was camera isekai or something, right?) I do remember it wasn't good. I think this story is a lot better, but it still has lots of downsides, though some of them are very subjective.

And since I mentioned subjective, let me start with this. The way you use your system is a crutch. Plain and simple. I understand that this is "Just a silly cliché story to pass time," but excuse me, even such stories have standards. What I saw is a very lazy way to tell a story. The way you use your system ruins your storytelling. Not only does it constantly hogs the attention from everything else, but you also use it to infodump.

Again, I understand it's silly, don't take it seriously, and blah-blah. But what should I do about it? Use the same rating system, but do not rate it harshly simply because you wrote it's silly, or what? I agree that silly stories should exist for readers to rest. It's kinda like fast food. I can enjoy it every now and again, but a burger from McD will never be as good as my homemade burger or a burger from a fancy restaurant. Same with stories. Even though I might enjoy a "badly written" story, I will never rate it as high as a good, serious story. Because even silly comedies or fluff stories can be done well. So I will rate it the same as other novels.

Continuing the topic of subjective feedback. What about characters? Well, I didn't read much, and the only character is MC. I will suspend my disbelief and think MC is confused. This means I can't say anything positive or negative about the characters. Plot? Nothing happened so far, and it's a silly generic story, so I, again, can't say anything positive or negative. Worldbuilding? Here I can say that because of your system, it's so-so. As you spend your time on the system instead of writing descriptions of the new world, your world-building is lackluster. Infodumps are bad.

Finally somewhat objective part is the way you write. And it's not good. It looks like you machine-translated your work and then edited it. I can understand almost everything, but the text looks very choppy. It doesn't flow, and one sentence doesn't transition to another one. Another thing that makes me think like that is your tenses. Stick to past tenses; it will help you a lot. Because even now, you sometimes use past tenses(I'm not talking about dialogue lines) even though your story is mostly in the present tense. So yeah, this will help a lot.

You overuse onomatopée. Onomatopée, in general, isn't something that you need to use. So even those few times you use them are too much.

And obviously, there are weird phrases. Okay, this is a little subjective, but once you see the examples, I hope you will understand why I mention this.

“I don’t know what you mean at all..." I feel like this is simply somewhat weird and doesn't flow as well if you look at the previous sentence.
[Most used answer: “The system is an assistant assigned to the Host for the purpose of easing their integration into the M.U.S.E. and their new existence.”]
"I didn't understand a single thing you said..."
You wanted to write that MC doesn't understand the System. Well, the way I paraphrased it makes it look a bit better. I don't like it, I think you can do a better job here, but I just wanted to show what I mean.

And with calm, the pain also came back. Calm is mostly used as an adjective. Though you can use it as a noun, it would be better to use calmness or a synonym. However, it will be even better to paraphrase the whole sentence.

And even that is destroyed in a moment. Even is redundant. And you should paraphrase the whole sentence. This sentence goes after the following, "I still have a faint hope that it’s just a video that I left playing on my phone or something."

First of all, it's absolutely unemotional. It's like your MC doesn't care about it at all, but as I said, let's pretend MC is confused. The thing here, 'and even this\that' is usually used to accentuate and address the thing that was listed last. Your MC says I still have a hope, it's one thing. So saying 'and even that' is somewhat out of place.

I still have a faint hope that it’s just a video that I left playing on my phone or something.
[Host has recovered consciousness.]
Yet it was mercilessly crushed. What I wrote here has the same meaning, but, in my opinion, my version is a lot better.

Then after a while, I find myself in another but smaller open area, I think this one is self-explanatory. Another but. What does it mean? Maybe use 'albeit' instead of 'but' or rephrase this part.

Anyway, that's all with examples. I hope you understand what I meant here.

That's pretty much it. I can't say a lot more. As I said, I understood almost everything you wrote. Your story is similar to M.G.Driver's or ManwX's stories. I can understand things, but it's not enjoyable in the slightest. Is your story on the same level? I would say it's worse. Obviously, it's a subjective opinion, but I feel like your prose(the way you write) is worse. Your prose is more barebones, there is almost nothing to it and it' more choppy. Your story also has more problems because of the system. So what am I going to rate it? 2 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Anon2024]

Rapid fire lasagna

 

[SailusGebel]

Do you like isekai litRPGs by any chance or do you outright despise them? Either way, please let me know what you think of my two drafts in this thread. Thank you.

Slay The Cross (Old)

Slay The Cross Synopsis Hajime is destined to kill every god in the ethereal world of Parallaxis. Sounds cliché, right? Well, he’s far from alone, as today marks the 5,000th annual meeting of the Radical Daydreamers Liberation Front (RDLF). It’s time for the “divine” to meet their maker—if they...

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Edit: I'm actually thinking of dropping the litRPG aspect of my story (or at least tone it down) because I feel like I don't know how to create a semi-believable MMORPG, lol. Either that or I can just improve on it.

Hey, I remember you. It's nice to see you again, and it's great to see you are still writing. I hope you will eventually gain success with your writing. And sorry for taking so long to give feedback, I was lazy.

Answering your question. I don't hate isekai LitRPG, nor do I like it. I find most LitRPGs, doesn't matter if it has isekai or not, to be extremely boring. While I might like mediocre harem or romcom, a LitRPG story has to be outrageously good(according to my standards) for me to like it. Also, I like cultivation stories, and, in my opinion, cultivation is almost the same as LitRPG.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I will divide the feedback into two. I will talk about version 1.0, and then about 2.0. I finished all of the Slay the Cross version one.

I can't say much about it. The writing itself is easier to understand than previous iterations of your novel. Although there were a couple of mistakes, as it's a draft, I won't focus my attention on them. I will mention only one example.

Back on Earth, Hajime would’ve gotten a bloody fingernail if he tried to flick a wall of palladium bricks. But as a reborn human in Parallaxis, the sheer winds You probably wrote it like that intentionally, but I don't like it.

Anyway, with this out of the way, your prose is good. At times just a tad bit repetitive, but overall good. Easy to comprehend and understand, it flows. And I like the overall style.

As for everything else, allow me to preface it with a comparison. Let's imagine that this draft is a webtoon. In my opinion, such a webtoon will appear on Asurascans. To some, this is a great compliment. To me, it's not.

No offense here; I'm only stating my personal, subjective taste. It's a generic edgy story. It will probably work with younger audiences, and make them happy, but I can only cringe at everything I've read. I think it will do well at RR. And as I stated above, if it was a webtoon, it would probably appear on Asurascans, which is like a paradise for new fans of webtoons, novels, and so on.

Now, allow me to elaborate a bit. First of all, I don't like the introduction. Not the part of your draft that is titled introduction, but how I was introduced to the story, what is happening, and so on. I was, and still is, confused. Although I can understand every separate sentence, once I read 3 or 4 paragraphs, I need to backtrack and reread stuff. It's because I get so tangled up with what is happening, where, and why that I need to reread stuff.

It feels like I was thrown in the middle of a story, and I hate when this happens. Now, maybe if more chapters were available, this would make sense, but I work with what I got. I don't remember it as clearly, but I feel like the previous versions of your novel were better in that regard.

Secondly, I dislike MC. It's like trying to take "Literally Me" memes seriously. I can only cringe at this.

And that's pretty much it. If I had to rate it, I feel like it deserves 3.75 stars. Objectively it's good, not the best, sorry, but it's good. Subjectively, I don't like it at all.

Version 2.0 I finished all of the Slay the Cross 2.0 This will be very short.
Maybe it's all in my head, but I feel like the prose, the way you write, is subtly different from version 1.0. I like 2.0 less than 1.0 Another difference is the introduction. I like the way your story starts here. I wasn't confused, and it was easier to grasp what is happening. Everything else is pretty much the same.

On a side note. It's somewhat strange to ask about LitRPGs when the current drafts don't have many of LitRPGs elements in them. Sure, you mention the system(Chronicles something), and you show stat lists, but both drafts were MC-centered rather than the usual LitRPG.

And that's all. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Anon2024]

Uniporn

 

[PBJ_Time]

Hey, I remember you. It's nice to see you again, and it's great to see you are still writing. I hope you will eventually gain success with your writing. And sorry for taking so long to give feedback, I was lazy.

Answering your question. I don't hate isekai LitRPG, nor do I like it. I find most LitRPGs, doesn't matter if it has isekai or not, to be extremely boring. While I might like mediocre harem or romcom, a LitRPG story has to be outrageously good(according to my standards) for me to like it. Also, I like cultivation stories, and, in my opinion, cultivation is almost the same as LitRPG.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I will divide the feedback into two. I will talk about version 1.0, and then about 2.0. I finished all of the Slay the Cross version one.

I can't say much about it. The writing itself is easier to understand than previous iterations of your novel. Although there were a couple of mistakes, as it's a draft, I won't focus my attention on them. I will mention only one example.

Back on Earth, Hajime would’ve gotten a bloody fingernail if he tried to flick a wall of palladium bricks. But as a reborn human in Parallaxis, the sheer winds You probably wrote it like that intentionally, but I don't like it.

Anyway, with this out of the way, your prose is good. At times just a tad bit repetitive, but overall good. Easy to comprehend and understand, it flows. And I like the overall style.

As for everything else, allow me to preface it with a comparison. Let's imagine that this draft is a webtoon. In my opinion, such a webtoon will appear on Asurascans. To some, this is a great compliment. To me, it's not.

No offense here; I'm only stating my personal, subjective taste. It's a generic edgy story. It will probably work with younger audiences, and make them happy, but I can only cringe at everything I've read. I think it will do well at RR. And as I stated above, if it was a webtoon, it would probably appear on Asurascans, which is like a paradise for new fans of webtoons, novels, and so on.

Now, allow me to elaborate a bit. First of all, I don't like the introduction. Not the part of your draft that is titled introduction, but how I was introduced to the story, what is happening, and so on. I was, and still is, confused. Although I can understand every separate sentence, once I read 3 or 4 paragraphs, I need to backtrack and reread stuff. It's because I get so tangled up with what is happening, where, and why that I need to reread stuff.

It feels like I was thrown in the middle of a story, and I hate when this happens. Now, maybe if more chapters were available, this would make sense, but I work with what I got. I don't remember it as clearly, but I feel like the previous versions of your novel were better in that regard.

Secondly, I dislike MC. It's like trying to take "Literally Me" memes seriously. I can only cringe at this.

And that's pretty much it. If I had to rate it, I feel like it deserves 3.75 stars. Objectively it's good, not the best, sorry, but it's good. Subjectively, I don't like it at all.

Version 2.0 I finished all of the Slay the Cross 2.0 This will be very short.
Maybe it's all in my head, but I feel like the prose, the way you write, is subtly different from version 1.0. I like 2.0 less than 1.0 Another difference is the introduction. I like the way your story starts here. I wasn't confused, and it was easier to grasp what is happening. Everything else is pretty much the same.

On a side note. It's somewhat strange to ask about LitRPGs when the current drafts don't have many of LitRPGs elements in them. Sure, you mention the system(Chronicles something), and you show stat lists, but both drafts were MC-centered rather than the usual LitRPG.

And that's all. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Glad you remember me, lol. As for if I have any questions, I only have one. Is my knowledge on litRPG stats decent enough or is it completely abysmal?

Edit: actually, I have another question. I've been meaning to use my second draft as a starting point of my novel, but so far, the other feedback I got had the same opinion as yours. They liked the first one better. So, which will do better on SH and RR?

 

[SailusGebel]

Glad you remember me, lol. As for if I have any questions, I only have one. Is my knowledge on litRPG stats decent enough or is it completely abysmal?

Maybe I read the wrong draft? Because there is almost no stats or LitRPG elements in your draft. I don't know how to judge it.
LVL: n/a
EXP: n/a
GLD: n/a
THREAT SCORE:

DEF +20
MAGIC DEF +30

Two highlighted parts are not enough to make any judgement. Same for version two and MC's stat list from there. Correct me if I wrong, but main point about LitRPG isn't about what stats you use. It's how you use them, how you describe them, progression, and so on. But the first few chapters are centered around MC, there is almost no LitRPG happening. Again, maybe it's the wrong draft? Anyway, based on what I saw, I won't call it abysmal. It's the usual LitRPG stuf.

Edit: actually, I have another question. I've been meaning to use my second draft as a starting point of my novel, but so far, the other feedback I got had the same opinion as yours. They liked the first one better. So, which will do better on SH and RR?

I like the second draft as a STARTING POINT, a lot more than the first draft. It's on me, sorry. I didn't phrase it well enough in my feedback. I think your prose is subtly different in two drafts. I think draft one has better prose, BUT, draft two is a better starting point. That's what I meant to say.

Which will do better is a hard question. I think both versions will do good on RR. As for SH, probably second draft? But take my words with a pinch of salt. I've never been knowledgeable about RR, and it's been a long time since I monitored what SH readers like.

 

[ElasticDotLine]

Hi! I'm interested in feedback! Feedback in the forum is fine.
Eccentric Fate | Scribble Hub

 

[SailusGebel]

Hi! I'm interested in feedback! Feedback in the forum is fine.
Eccentric Fate | Scribble Hub

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 2 – Sapling of Destiny

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam.

I will start my feedback by addressing your synopsis. It's somewhat choppy. By choppy, I mean that it feels like your sentences have no connection to each other. It's really hard for me to explain.

Louie panics when he awakens from a strange dream and sees a foreign planet headed on a collision course for Earth.
However, when an ancient cultivator fuses the two worlds, Louie reawakens to an ambush.
First of all, MC is awakened, then you write he reawakens. Like, what? What does it mean? To start the second sentence with "However" is also weird. The first sentence tells me that MC is panicked, you use the word "however" yet you don't address his panicked state. I don't know, hard to explain what I mean here.

Later, in a last-second moment against the Bloodthorne Sect Leaders, Louie is cast underneath their sect into the kill-or-be-killed depths of The Pit, where he must cuddle a skeleton, learn the mysteries of the Dao of the Earth, and fight off dangerous bramble beasts to survive and ultimately save his friends from their sacrificial fate to the Bloodthorne Sect’s true leader, The Matron. What? Excuse me, but what? Why would you write such a huge sentence? Is there any need to do it? Also, what does "in a last-second moment against" mean?

You write how MC reawakens to an ambush, whatever it is supposed to mean, and then you write, "in a last-second moment against" What does it mean? What does, 'in a moment against someone' means? I'm not nitpicking here. I'm genuinely confused and can't understand it. And the thing is, I don't need your explanation. Because I've already read it. I need you to explain it to readers like me, who won't understand what you wrote.

And your story is basically the same as your synopsis. Sometimes you write things that feel out of place or not properly connected to the things you wrote previously. Here's an example.

I made it to the kitchen and wedged open the fridge, which caused a soft, suctioning sound, and for a moment, I couldn’t decide between leftovers and dessert. Like this sentence and the whole part about dinner. Personally, I can't see why you would add this after an emotional part where MC is worried about his grandma.

The thing here is that With a few angry breaths, my rationality returned, isn't enough for me to believe that MC got over this so easily. This out-of-place part makes MC look like he is out of character. Maybe this is on me, I don't know. But I do know that this piece still feels out of place. Because it is way too separated from the previous part. Okay, he calmed down even though he almost had a nervous breakdown before it, okay. The thing is, you don't try to integrate your description of MC into the previous scene. There is only one mention of the grandma, Grandma Sylvie laughed when I first told her, To me it's not enough. Especially since MC's grandma was feeling bad, he recalls what she said, and doesn't have any reaction to this memory apart from, "I didn’t think that, though."

As for the second thing that is similar.
I scratched my hands into my hair,
My voice reacted like my chest felt:
A terrible cycle that often tried to rebel against.
I one-handedly flipped the worn page, and my eyes landed on the majestic image of a man dressed in robes, flourishing his blade against a blackened lightning bolt.

All these weird phrases are just examples. There are more in the text. It's either weird phrases, or something completely incomprehensible. I won't spend a lot of time here. I think it's more than self-eplxanatory. The way write can be weird. All those "artistic" phrases are simply weird.

What else can I say? Dialogues are okay\good. Can't say much about the plot or worldbuilding. Characters? I addressed the MC. Descriptions are slightly lacking, but only slightly.

And that's all. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.75 stars. Overall, your novel isn't as bad. Although it's hard to pinpoint something good, the bad stuff isn't as damaging to the story. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Anon2024]

Pastrami belongs on pizza.

 

[ElasticDotLine]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 2 – Sapling of Destiny

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam.

I will start my feedback by addressing your synopsis. It's somewhat choppy. By choppy, I mean that it feels like your sentences have no connection to each other. It's really hard for me to explain.

Louie panics when he awakens from a strange dream and sees a foreign planet headed on a collision course for Earth.
However, when an ancient cultivator fuses the two worlds, Louie reawakens to an ambush.
First of all, MC is awakened, then you write he reawakens. Like, what? What does it mean? To start the second sentence with "However" is also weird. The first sentence tells me that MC is panicked, you use the word "however" yet you don't address his panicked state. I don't know, hard to explain what I mean here.

Later, in a last-second moment against the Bloodthorne Sect Leaders, Louie is cast underneath their sect into the kill-or-be-killed depths of The Pit, where he must cuddle a skeleton, learn the mysteries of the Dao of the Earth, and fight off dangerous bramble beasts to survive and ultimately save his friends from their sacrificial fate to the Bloodthorne Sect’s true leader, The Matron. What? Excuse me, but what? Why would you write such a huge sentence? Is there any need to do it? Also, what does "in a last-second moment against" mean?

You write how MC reawakens to an ambush, whatever it is supposed to mean, and then you write, "in a last-second moment against" What does it mean? What does, 'in a moment against someone' means? I'm not nitpicking here. I'm genuinely confused and can't understand it. And the thing is, I don't need your explanation. Because I've already read it. I need you to explain it to readers like me, who won't understand what you wrote.

And your story is basically the same as your synopsis. Sometimes you write things that feel out of place or not properly connected to the things you wrote previously. Here's an example.

I made it to the kitchen and wedged open the fridge, which caused a soft, suctioning sound, and for a moment, I couldn’t decide between leftovers and dessert. Like this sentence and the whole part about dinner. Personally, I can't see why you would add this after an emotional part where MC is worried about his grandma.

The thing here is that With a few angry breaths, my rationality returned, isn't enough for me to believe that MC got over this so easily. This out-of-place part makes MC look like he is out of character. Maybe this is on me, I don't know. But I do know that this piece still feels out of place. Because it is way too separated from the previous part. Okay, he calmed down even though he almost had a nervous breakdown before it, okay. The thing is, you don't try to integrate your description of MC into the previous scene. There is only one mention of the grandma, Grandma Sylvie laughed when I first told her, To me it's not enough. Especially since MC's grandma was feeling bad, he recalls what she said, and doesn't have any reaction to this memory apart from, "I didn’t think that, though."

As for the second thing that is similar.
I scratched my hands into my hair,
My voice reacted like my chest felt:
A terrible cycle that often tried to rebel against.
I one-handedly flipped the worn page, and my eyes landed on the majestic image of a man dressed in robes, flourishing his blade against a blackened lightning bolt.

All these weird phrases are just examples. There are more in the text. It's either weird phrases, or something completely incomprehensible. I won't spend a lot of time here. I think it's more than self-eplxanatory. The way write can be weird. All those "artistic" phrases are simply weird.

What else can I say? Dialogues are okay\good. Can't say much about the plot or worldbuilding. Characters? I addressed the MC. Descriptions are slightly lacking, but only slightly.

And that's all. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.75 stars. Overall, your novel isn't as bad. Although it's hard to pinpoint something good, the bad stuff isn't as damaging to the story. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

Thank you for the feedback! It's almost embarrassing how I didn't spot the choppiness and disconnected phrases before, but now that you've pointed it out, I can't help but notice it everywhere... So, I appreciate the eye-opening feedback!

I will be attempting different techniques to try and fix some of the disconnect / choppiness / "artistic" phrasings in my writing style. I might even come back for another review in the future!

 

[SailusGebel]

Thank you for the feedback! It's almost embarrassing how I didn't spot the choppiness and disconnected phrases before, but now that you've pointed it out, I can't help but notice it everywhere... So, I appreciate the eye-opening feedback!

I will be attempting different techniques to try and fix some of the disconnect / choppiness / "artistic" phrasings in my writing style. I might even come back for another review in the future!

Before 'fixing' anything ask for feedback in other threads. Perhaps it's only me and I kinda forced my opinion on you. So wait a bit for feedback from other threads before changing anything.

 

[Anon2024]

Taco Snail.

 

[Benn_Due]

Hi. I would be infinitely glad to receive the first feedback of my book(:

The Game of Empires: Lost in the Arena.

 

[MuseWeaver]

Would love feedback on my webnovel, feel free to post on the forum, I don't mind.

Muse of Maven

A muse is the extension of a maven, the embodiment of one's ambition. At least that is what the necromancers of the Feather clan would have everyone believe... Aspect, Legna, Loa, Muse; they go by many names and have many uses. The Lion clan prefers a more honest classification... Slave....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

Hi. I would be infinitely glad to receive the first feedback of my book(:

The Game of Empires: Lost in the Arena.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter Two. Destruction and Survival: The Aftermath of the Disaster.

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam.


Now let me start with the feedback. Usually, I talk about the way authors write, their prose, and so on. It's easy to point out such mistakes, and it's the most objective out of all the other things I can say. But in your case, I can barely mention grammar mistakes and other stuff. Personally, I didn't notice a lot of mistakes, but what is more important, I was concerned with different things.

Okay, before I start talking about those different things, let me quickly mention the way you write. As I said previously, I didn't notice grammar mistakes. The thing that I did notice was a couple of weird sentences.

Here's an example. Sweat trickled down my forehead and froze at the corners of my eyes, making it difficult to see. Maybe it's my problem, and I simply didn't see such a phrase, but "sweat freezing at the corners of eyes" sounds weird. Also, from my personal experience, sweat doesn't affect your vision as much. At least not this amount of sweat.

There were a couple more weird sentences, but other than that, everything was okay.

So, with grammar and prose out of the way, what are those "different things" I was talking about? Well, the first thing is what you write. Lots and lots of descriptions of useless actions. Don't take me wrong, writing a lot of descriptions, or writing a lot of action is okay. The thing is, action, descriptions, and so on must fit the scene. You start your story strong, with a highly emotional scene. MC wakes up to find his family murdered.

Example of what I mean. Shocked, I involuntarily stared at the blurred outlines of the monster. Exhaling all the air from my lungs, I blinked away the salty drops. The part highlighted in bold is COMPLETELY useless. Not only it is useless, it ruins the immersion. MC narrates the story himself, he tells his emotions, and the next second he describes how he did that or this, and he does it precisely. I simply can't bond with him or feel his pain when he spends more time describing how he walks, and how he moves than how he feels.

This problem is tightly connected with another problem.
Hi, my name is Ethan, and first I’m going to tell my story... before I destroy...
April 14, 20xx. It all began that fateful night, precisely at the stroke of midnight,

You see, these couple sentences make me think that MC will recount what happened to him, as he reminisces. You make me think that the narrator is going to be MC, and this narrator tells me, the reader, what happened before. I expected that he would have a unique voice. He is MC, after all, his personality will show whenever he talks.

Another thing that makes me think like that is this sentence. That was the first time I encountered these creatures. But the thing I got was a badly written first-person POV. Why do I call it badly written? Well, because of the aforementioned problem with the overabundance of depictions of action. I'm a bad writer, so I can't tell you how to write MC narration well. BUT, I can tell you what I expected as a reader.

I expected a lot more remarks from MC about his past actions. That was the first time I encountered these creatures. This sentence serves as a good example. Here MC says things that he couldn't say before, but with more experience as he comments on his own past, it fits. So yeah, more comments about himself and stuff that he had seen, comments on stuff that at times he didn't know, comments about his behavior, and so on. For example, when he mentions his parents, he can describe how he felt in the past, and how he feels NOW. Unfortunately, I didn't get it from your story.

Another thing I expected is a different type of narration. As he talks about his own past, he would focus on different things. How should I explain this? Let's say you went to the cinema, you watched a great movie. You won't describe every little detail of the whole outing, right? Same thing here. He doesn't need to explain everything in perfect order. I don't want to say that MC can't do it, but combined with everything that I wrote above, he doesn't feel like a human at all.

I hope you can understand what I mean here. Sorry if it is vague, can't explain it any better.

There is also a subjective problem that I have to mention. Endings of chapters and beginning of chapter two. They are bad. Sorry for saying it like this, but I don't know how to phrase it well enough. The problem with endings is that you cut your chapters in weird places. I don't care what happens next, it's not a cliffhanger. Also, the ending of chapter one and the beginning of chapter two are connected very loosely. This is obviously subjective and isn't a major problem, but I had to mention this.

And that's all. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.