Greetings! I'm interested in your feedback as a reader on one of my series if you are available.
We Got Transported Into A Novel, Mother!
This is a typical isekai story where the protagonists ended up in a web novel they happened to read but I added my own ideas so the settings are biased and my own beliefs.
It's slow at the beginning but it slowly picks up so I would love another reviewer and if possible what I should focus on and what I shouldn't in my writing ^^
Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished
Chapter 01
Okay, first things first, I want to NOT talk about the worldbuilding, characters, and plot. I read too little, so I have nothing to say about all three.
Before I start talking about everything else, I have to say that I very briefly skimmed through the last available chapter. Currently, it's chapter 37. Why would I do it? To check if you fixed anything. You did not. I also want to mention one little thing. I'm NOT nitpicking. Whenever I talk about downsides or mistakes, I only mention what I personally notice and dislike. So, I can obviously miss something or be wrong somewhere.
Yet there is no room for error on my side with the following thing. Tenses. Stop using different tenses(past and present). It's not okay to do so. Here is example of what I mean.
He doubtful
looked around at the strange style of the room which
shines brightly with riches expressing,
This is not okay. Stop doing it and stick to one tense, past or present. I will quote another person.
Some basics about writing fiction might be nice too. Like having a consistent tense. I wish I would have read that before having to go back and edit 10000 words worth of stuff.
Another part that is 100% a mistake on your side is typos. There are a LOT of typos. Some examples.
She raised her trembling hand to her li
p, ‚as
Blood was continuously pouring from
Ron's shoulder
"But as mentioned before,
'Ron this, Ron that' he'd already had enough of tha
t And just
And these are just examples, and I'm sure I missed some.
Another thing that I noticed.
Ron was devastated to see his close friend who he considered a brother stab him in the back
(literally). Though this is a single instance of this thing happening from the three chapters I've seen, I have no idea about the rest of your story. Anyway, don't do this. Personally, I find this atrocious when someone uses parenthesis to explain something in a novel. Especially when an author doesn't use a first-person POV. You have ALL the tools in your arms to write whatever you want without parenthesis.
With these three problems out of the way, I can talk about the most massive part. Although, I'm not sure how to call this. It's wrong to group all of it together since you make different mistakes, but I simply can't. This is too hard of a task for me. The problem I'm talking about is how you write. How you phrase your sentences, your choice of words, and so on. And I think explaining everything one by one will be the best explanation.
Here we go. This is a list of examples that I've picked.
Her friends often joked about how she was like an elderly lady because she listens to the radio
and believes differently from them. Weirdly phrased and doesn't make any sense. The thing is, I don't even know what this means because of how it is phrased. She believes in different things? Os is it that THE WAY she believes is different?
Although she despises being looked at as if she were a weirdo, she doesn't pay attention to what others say about her. What? The way this is phrased now it sounds like a contradiction. She STRONGLY dislikes (despises) when people say she is weird but she doesn't care? What?
Elisa doesn't want to be caught off guard by an oncoming disaster Why? This part doesn't follow anything that would justify it being said, well, I mean written. More than that, the fact she listens to the radio doesn't make her look like she doesn't want to be caught off guard.
Her confused peach-colored eyes met his identical eyes The way this is phrased right now doesn't mean that her and his eyes look the same. Right now it means that his left and right eyes are the same.
He protectively held her as if guarding against something. Protectively is redundant. Protectively = as if guarding against something.
rusty voice calling for her in concern. Rusty voice? There is a hoarse and raspy voice. Never heard of rusty. Is this another typo?
Unlike them, he is from a well-off and rich family that is supposed
to take the center rather than those two. To take the center of what? Another mistake here(though this time I might be wrong) but I think right now this sentence means that FAMILY is supposed to take whatever center you meant. In other words, you fudged up punctuation.
Thinking this way, his expression contorted into one of evil. Simply a poorly phrased sentence. You can easily paraphrase this without losing any meaning and make it flow better/
He held her even more as they fell into the
river that was damped with unknown substances. He held her even more? Even more what? More tightly? Also, the river was damped? What?
He knew that in his critical condition, he wouldn't be able to swim out of this
as the water sank into his open wounds. Seriously? This is the reason why he can't save her and himself? And swim out? Maybe use come to the surface, resurface, come up, float, emerge?
At his shut eyes, there was suddenly a bright light hovering over them as it covered them with brightness and warmth. AT his shut eyes? What does it even mean?
It was dark and hard enough to know what was going on, but one thing is for sure he didn't feel any pain from suffocation,
nor as drenched as he thought he would be. I will simply quote the rule here.
Use "nor" before the second or farther of two alternatives when "neither" introduces the first. Example: Neither my mother nor I understand these directions.
He doubtful looked around at the strange style of the room which s
hines brightly with riches expressing, Doubtful looked? Shines with riches? What?
He couldn't help but ridiculously himself. Another typo? Was it ridicule?
he turned around to find a strange girl
with blonde hair transparent near silver. I can understand what you wanted to say, but this is phrased SO badly, that I don't even know what to say. Again, you can and, in my opinion, should paraphrase it.
She looked younger than a kindergartener with a smaller build. First of all, it is a kindergartner. Another typo??? Secondly, with a smaller build? What? She looked younger than a small child with a smaller body? What?
"Huh? Where am I?"
The girl suddenly looked up and rubbed her eye Contradiction. She couldn't even take in her surroundings.
Surprised but the thought of the possibility after thinking for a while. This is where I give up trying to explain what is wrong since I have no idea what you wanted to write here.
Feeling guilty for not being able
to heal her up To heal her up??? Maybe to treat her, to save her, to cure her? I don't know, to FIX her?
Before he could finish his words, there was suddenly a loud slam of the door opening and a rushed beautiful woman with short pitch-black hair under her shoulder and shining golden eyes just like his sister's present appearance, smiling at them softly. Bruh.
She squealed as she held her hands together in adoration and
ran towards them into a strong embrace of hers. What? She ran towards them to GIVE them a hug? She ran towards them and ENDED up giving them a hug? What do you mean here?
This isn't ALL of the problems with the way you write btw. This is a hefty chunk, but not every mistake.
And I will be completely honest, I have no strength left to talk about anything else. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them. But as for the feedback itself, this is the end. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.5 stars.