Free feedback thread.

[TheSilentWriter01]

I guess, I might as well, try this out. Didn't know places like this even existed.

I wouldn't mind some feedback on my story, only about three chapters at the moment. It is a fanfic, so you know how it goes:

PING!

Welcome Gamer to RWBY the RPG! Out of billions upon billions of souls, you have been randomly chosen to participate in one of the most thorough and rigorous games ever created by the OneUp Gaming Corporation. RWBY the RPG features an advanced artificial intelligence system, premier realism and...

www.scribblehub.com

Just send me a PM, if you want to.

 

[konza]

Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 3 – Cause & Effect

First things first, your story is not my cup of tea. This means I won't read further and obviously can't say much about worldbuilding or plot. I can and will say a couple of things about characters, but more about that later.

Now I want to talk about the way you write, your prose, call it however you want. I don't like it one bit. First of all, I don't like how you split dialogue or action tags and dialogue lines.

Alex smirked.

"More for me, then."

I don't like this. I like it when authors write like this.

Luke shouted at the top of his lungs: "HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE??!! I'M LOST AND NEED HELP!!"

Since I started talking about dialogues, I disliked them a lot. First of all, the aforementioned tags are really bad. One of the examples of why I think they are bad comes from Chapter 3. You refer to the old man as an old man. Each and every time.

The old man sighed and closed his eyes for a second.
The old man scoffed and crossed his arms.
The old man tilted his head, as if he was starting to get amused.
The old man sat straight up, raised his hands up and grinned.
The old man put his hands back on the table and said in a serious tone:
The old man suspiciously looked at Luke,

This goes on, but I won't copy and paste each dialogue tag. There is absolutely no variety or creativity, and on the odd chance that I missed it, I will say it's not enough. There are multiple reasons why this particular thing is bad, but I will mention one.

Your MC and narrator have the same voice. Like literally, the narrator and MC are the same person, even though they should not be(based on your own text).

The forest itself didn’t look too different from what you could find on Earth, but after those bird-like creatures made their appearance, I started doubting my sanity.’ If you change "I" and "my" here, this will sound like something a narrator said.

This leads to the problem that your characters don't feel like a real, living human being. He looks and acts like a function to simply retell the reader what happens in the dullest way possible. You can't bond with him. And this is just a single example of you being repetitive affecting your writing.

Another reason why dialogue tags aren't good is the fact that the majority of them are simple action tags. It's not AS bad, but I would like to see more variety. Like substituting some(not all) of your action tags for dialogue tags, and you make them a bit longer.

Example of what I mean.

The old man sighed and closed his eyes for a second.
The old man snarled.
The old man put his hands back on the table and said in a serious tone:

Make them more variable, but they should fit the context.

Another thing I want to see is a variety of dialogue structures. This is partially the problem of your paragraphing, the first thing that I didn't like. Even if you do something similar to what I want, I can't see it.

Example of what I want to see. Here you write a dialogue or action tag. "Here is a dialogue line" Here is another dialogue or action tag, "Here is a dialogue line." And you end the paragraph with another tag.

Not everything should be like this, but I want to see things changed every now and again. Play around with the positions of your dialogue lines and tags. It helps when a reader reads stuff as it doesn't let your eyes glaze over line after line of identical text of identical length. Plus, it can make your text flow better, and improve the coherence.

The last thing about dialogues that I will mention is the content. And this is where I will mention your characters as well. As I said, they lack individuality, they don't react properly, and they don't talk like people. MC's inner thoughts don't look like the actual thought process of a person, he is repeating the same thing that I've already read before. This is wrong since he is MC, and his inner thoughts should always add more info to build up his personality. His inner thoughts should show the world through his eyes and how he sees it.

I will stop talking about dialogues, and move on towards descriptions. There isn't enough, and they are badly written.

And this old man, now that I think about it, how did he even kill those creatures? He was not carrying any weapons with him, This is an ideal moment for you to actually describe the old man THROUGH the eyes of MC. Instead of dully stating that the old man doesn't have any weapons, you can add the following thing.

Example.
As if doubting his own mind, he looked around the house once more, when his gaze landed upon the old man. He was looking at Luke and simply smiled.

For the first time, Luke's gaze lingered on the old man for more than a moment. He noticed that this strange fella didn't even have any weapons on him. Although he could potentially hide one inside of his silver robes, Luke had a premonition that it wasn't the case. 'How the hell did kill all three of those creatures bare-handed before my swing even landed on any of them? '

I think my way of telling the same info is better. Far from ideal, but if you include more of the same thing and rework my proposition a little bit, it will make MC's interactions more real. Why would he mention weapons and think about it? Because now he is safe, and he CAN pay attention to the old man. You can also play around with stuff like premonitions or whatnot. Add a little bit of MC's personality here and there.

Okay, will end this soon, but before I do, I have two more things to say.

Chapters 2 and 3 have the same ending.

The night Luke would remember for the rest of his life was about to unfold.

Luke would later understand, that it was at this point in time that his misery had truly begun.

Not like they are identical in the literal sense of this word. I mean that they end in the same way, like, it's the same type of cliffhanger. Foreboding, foreshadowing, don't know how to call this properly. Usually, I don't pay attention to stuff like this. It is because stuff like this is really rare. And this really adds to the whole idea that you really like to repeat yourself, and it's not good.

Lastly, But, he said the I would be the one to die if I do not kill him. Typo. He said that, not he said the.

And that's the end of my feedback. The only good part is that it was easy to read but at the expense of any enjoyment that I can get from reading. I'm sure I forgot about things. And I'm sure some of my feedback will look like a word salad since there was so much I wanted to say I had strayed off. That's why if you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.75 stars.

While it is a word salad, as you have said, it is much appreciated.

First off, I'd like to say that I agree with you. The earlier chapters of the novel were plagued with these issues due to, first and foremost, my inexperience as a writer. As an example, when I started writing the dialogue for the first time I was stumped. I couldn't get myself into my own character's heads. Even now, it is far from perfect, but we're talking about chapters in the 30s, so that's besides the point.

English is not my primary language either, so I had a bit of trouble expressing myself in some cases, especially in the first ~5-10 chapters. I do have the habit of repeating myself when I really get into something, both IRL and online, which translated poorly onto my work, and while I'd like to say that that issue has been mitigated somewhat in the newer chapters, I'll also say that it's not completely gone yet.

The action/dialogue tab that you've mentioned is something I haven't quite figured out yet, because I usually have trouble translating what I see into words, especially when it comes to facial expressions and non-verbal speech. I need to put some work towards that, but I simply didn't have the time to sit down and research much about it as of yet.

Chapters 2 and 3 having a very similar cliffhanger is actually something that I've never even noticed, so thanks for pointing it out, as well as the typo.

Sometimes, I find myself thinking if I should just start over and retell the story properly using my improved writing skills, but I have the same issue as you do: I'm much too lazy.

 

[anthony59237]

Hello, you reviewed my first chapter a while back and absolutely destroyed me! I revised it a lot since then. I'd like to know your thoughts on it now. You can leave feedback in the thread. Thanks a lot! Link below:

The Fam [Dark Comedy/Urban Fantasy]

In a world filled with elves, ogres, and humans coexisting amongst each other in a modern society, Cindy, a half-elf, has been faced with discrimination since the day she was born. When she moves to the City of Baldimore to become an Ubear driver, her world view is suddenly changed,...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[KersenBloemNL]

Aura: The soul’s true nature

Auras. The embodiment of one’s soul. A power that can only be used by a certain few with an iron will. They grant the user an unique ability that personifies what they are. Some use it for good, others use it for their own gain. Ymeno, a 25 year old...

www.scribblehub.com

english ain’t my first language too, this is the first story i’m set to complete. i’m curious about what you think about my story. You can leave feedback in this thread, I don’t really mind

 

[FIAMMA01]

Okay, we all know the drill, right? RIGHT!? The glorious comeback of reviewer you will never forget(), the ass ripper, the one who bashes newbies, the man, the myth, the legend. Based silusgimbel .

All jokes aside, I have some free time on my hands and I don't see enough operating feedback threads. With M.G.Driver missing, Story_Marc and TheTrinary being busy with vids and their respective jobs, someone has to provide the feedback for newbies.

Important note, my feedback differs from other feedback threads. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author. I will give fair, but SUBJECTIVE feedback, and I will be blunt and harsh. Although I'm a lot tamer than I used to be, I will say whatever I think, without sugarcoating my thoughts.

The rules are simple.
1. You post a link to your story.
2. You state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM. If you don't specify where do you want your feedback, I will post it in this thread.
3. I read your story. After I read as much as I can(I won't force myself to read more than I want), I will reply to you.
4. I won't read and review three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

Hello, I've got a book here called Kinshura-It's not a LitRPG, so I'd really appreciate any amount of feedback I can get. Currently it's got 22 chapters and has a high focus on action/adventure, but there's a bit of comedy sprinkled in there too. So in other words its a high fantasy without the isekai part. I'd like to hear your thoughts if you ever get to this. You can PM me your review. Link: Kinshura - Scribblehub

 

[Darkodia]

If you have the time, could you check out my series Sanctuary Compromised: A Zombie Apocalypse Tale? You can find it at:

www.scribblehub.com/series/879300/sanctuary-compromised-a-zombie-apocalypse-tale/

 

[Numero]

Can you give my novel some of your precious wisdom

Transforming the World

Zenon was expelled from the magic school that he had been studying for two years. He was deemed as 'Talentless' by his peers and professor alike. However, Zenon's life changed when he came across a fortunate accident that changed his life for better or worse. He obtained an Ancient Magic...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Kinni]

I would like to get some feedback on my story. It can be in this thread.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/669374/ascendance-of-the-big-sister-monster-tamer/

 

[SailusGebel]

Hola. If this is still open, I hope you can reply on the thread. Thanks

Planet Breaker

The Universe holds many dark and untold secrets. Secrets that the conscious mind had longed searching in places. A star that has fallen into a mystery-filled planet. Leading him to the heritage of his very existence. Technology. Power. Hegemony. Truth. All the wonders, the dreams of every common...

www.scribblehub.com

Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Vol. 1 – Chapter 2: The Strange Facility

Before I start talking about the actual story, I want to mention your synopsis. It's bad. No, it's not about style; it's simply badly written. There is no hook, and you weren't able to keep up with your own writing style.

Now I can talk about your novel. And it is a hodge-podge. Okay, I will first of all mention the good parts. I can understand what you write. This is it for the good parts. Neutral parts are the plot, worldbuilding, and characters. I can't say anything about the aforementioned three since I read too little, and they were non-existent in the first two chapters. So yeah, I don't know if it's good or bad.

Okay, and now I will talk about the bad parts. Obviously, I will start with tenses. Stick to one tense. Stop using present and past interchangeably.
The second problem are repetitions. Here are examples.

You are too good for your own good. It is time for you to take a good

you were this petty. A dog for the elites. I should've crippled you during the final star examination if not for your petty dog father repetitions

"The Ancien Regime is an ancient civilization of the observable Universe.

Self-explanatory. MAYBE, just maybe, the second example is okay, however, since it isn't the only case of repetitions, it doesn't work as intended.

Punctuation. This one is tricky since I'm not as good at it myself, but I'm pretty sure these are examples of legit mistakes, not something subjective.

what happened?!",
to kill me like this?!",
completed.",

Stop doing this.

Moving on, I have the most complex problem that, in my opinion, affects reader retention the most.

"Captain, we're 0.005 AU (1)
He opened his Personal Digital Assistant (PDA)
Precursor (1) civilization

ETA 20 minutes
EM scanners

All the new terms that you don't explain. First and foremost, using parenthesis this "()" to explain something is atrocious. I don't want to see this in an ORIGINAL work. If a translator makes a note, it's understandable, but you are the creator. Be kind enough to explain everything in the text.
The second piece of this problem is abbreviations. I have zero idea what the hell is ETA or EM.

The worst part here is that you could've explained it properly. If you reworked what you wrote a bit, then you could've actually explained an abbreviation in the text, without using parenthesis.

He opened his Personal Digital Assistant
He eyed the rest of the long text displayed on his PDA

The third piece of this problem is the amount of new terms. I think it's over twenty new terms. Some of them are abbreviations that are left unexplained, some use atrocious parenthesis, and some are simply new terms with ambiguous meanings.

None of those terms made me interested in finding out what is what. I felt completely overwhelmed and wanted to drop it right there and then, after reading approximately one-third of your first chapter.

Yet another problem(Unrelated to the previous one) is the way you write. Or to be more precise, what you don't write. There are no descriptions, no proper exposition, and no proper action. The only thing you write is technical OR new terms. That's it.

You give the most dry information to the reader along with terms, making me extremely disinterested AND disoriented. Here's a good comparison of how your writing feels. Have you ever played turn-based RPGs? Your text reminds me of a battle log from those RPGs.

Spoiler: This is what I'm talking about. This is how your story looks like.

Your story simply doesn't look like a story. It looks like a frame of a story, it looks like a first draft.

And that's the end of my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.5 stars. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Adroit

 

[yinjenxie]

Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Vol. 1 – Chapter 2: The Strange Facility

Before I start talking about the actual story, I want to mention your synopsis. It's bad. No, it's not about style; it's simply badly written. There is no hook, and you weren't able to keep up with your own writing style.

Now I can talk about your novel. And it is a hodge-podge. Okay, I will first of all mention the good parts. I can understand what you write. This is it for the good parts. Neutral parts are the plot, worldbuilding, and characters. I can't say anything about the aforementioned three since I read too little, and they were non-existent in the first two chapters. So yeah, I don't know if it's good or bad.

Okay, and now I will talk about the bad parts. Obviously, I will start with tenses. Stick to one tense. Stop using present and past interchangeably.
The second problem are repetitions. Here are examples.

You are too good for your own good. It is time for you to take a good

you were this petty. A dog for the elites. I should've crippled you during the final star examination if not for your petty dog father repetitions

"The Ancien Regime is an ancient civilization of the observable Universe.

Self-explanatory. MAYBE, just maybe, the second example is okay, however, since it isn't the only case of repetitions, it doesn't work as intended.

Punctuation. This one is tricky since I'm not as good at it myself, but I'm pretty sure these are examples of legit mistakes, not something subjective.

what happened?!",
to kill me like this?!",
completed.",

Stop doing this.

Moving on, I have the most complex problem that, in my opinion, affects reader retention the most.

"Captain, we're 0.005 AU (1)
He opened his Personal Digital Assistant (PDA)
Precursor (1) civilization

ETA 20 minutes
EM scanners

All the new terms that you don't explain. First and foremost, using parenthesis this "()" to explain something is atrocious. I don't want to see this in an ORIGINAL work. If a translator makes a note, it's understandable, but you are the creator. Be kind enough to explain everything in the text.
The second piece of this problem is abbreviations. I have zero idea what the hell is ETA or EM.

The worst part here is that you could've explained it properly. If you reworked what you wrote a bit, then you could've actually explained an abbreviation in the text, without using parenthesis.

He opened his Personal Digital Assistant
He eyed the rest of the long text displayed on his PDA

The third piece of this problem is the amount of new terms. I think it's over twenty new terms. Some of them are abbreviations that are left unexplained, some use atrocious parenthesis, and some are simply new terms with ambiguous meanings.

None of those terms made me interested in finding out what is what. I felt completely overwhelmed and wanted to drop it right there and then, after reading approximately one-third of your first chapter.

Yet another problem(Unrelated to the previous one) is the way you write. Or to be more precise, what you don't write. There are no descriptions, no proper exposition, and no proper action. The only thing you write is technical OR new terms. That's it.

You give the most dry information to the reader along with terms, making me extremely disinterested AND disoriented. Here's a good comparison of how your writing feels. Have you ever played turn-based RPGs? Your text reminds me of a battle log from those RPGs.

Spoiler: This is what I'm talking about. This is how your story looks like.

Your story simply doesn't look like a story. It looks like a frame of a story, it looks like a first draft.

And that's the end of my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.5 stars. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

I am not sure why I would have to be grammatically correct on dialogues. As far as I'm concerned, it's the characters saying them and naturally, people make grammar mistakes when talking so there's absolutely no point, in my perspective, that these character dialogues must be extremely grammatically correct, unless I described them as godlike existences such that these people will never have dialogue grammar mistakes.

As for the technical terms, these are very technical, and it would be a stretch f I explain these things over in a setup or context in which the characters themselves, and/or even the people these characters are talking to, know what these technical terms are.

You want me to add somewhere in the exposition, an info dump of what AU, EM, and other technical terms mean? Yeah, I can. More or less, my story is filled with all these confusing terms.

Guess what happens... I can bet that many readers will call out the "info dumping" or "over explanation" parts everywhere in my story. It just results in an output that no one will like either. For the worse...

Call it dry information or whatever these are but it's better to "show" what these are, or if telling was an option, "tell" it in a narrative that does not pause the flow of the story at all...

If I were to say it, these technical terms are part of character dialogue, and not part of the "third person" narrative. Otherwise, if I put the AU and EM terms outside of character dialogues, then I may have the need to do some explanation which, once again, basically results in an info dump.

There's no point info dumping at a first few chapters regardless of how confusing and technical these terms are because as far as I'm concerned, the narrative of the story in the later chapters would simply explain these things bit by bit.

I must agree that including the () parenthesis stuff was annoying and takes away immersion. I was having doubts about it but anyway, that's not something too remarkable overall.

I don't think your ratings are relevant, especially the fact that it's a 2-chapter read. I won't force you to read the rest either as there's no point soliciting attention, or whatever that is.

 

[SailusGebel]

I am not sure why I would have to be grammatically correct on dialogues. As far as I'm concerned, it's the characters saying them and naturally, people make grammar mistakes when talking so there's absolutely no point, in my perspective, that these character dialogues must be extremely grammatically correct, unless I described them as godlike existences such that these people will never have dialogue grammar mistakes.

You are correct, however this only works for the words inside quotation marks. I was talking about punctuation that serves as a separator for a dialogue line and everything else. It is a legit mistake that should be fixed.

Example of something that is okay. "Ya can write anthin here." Example of something that is not okay. "Ya can write anthin here,"!?

You can also use different or wrong tenses inside dialogues. What you shouldn't do is to use different tenses almost everywhere else.

Example of something that is okay. "He will do it," MC said. Example of something that is not okay. MC rubbed his chin. MC thinks hard about this situation.

As for the technical terms, these are very technical, and it would be a stretch f I explain these things over in a setup or context in which the characters themselves, and/or even the people these characters are talking to, know what these technical terms are.

You want me to add somewhere in the exposition, an info dump of what AU, EM, and other technical terms mean? Yeah, I can. More or less, my story is filled with all these confusing terms.

What I want, and this is obviously my subjective opinion, is for you to cut down at least half of those terms. In other words, rewrite the whole chapter and make an introduction more smooth. You introduce way more than 10 new terms and names in a span of one chapter. This is too much to keep up with, especially since there are almost no explanations of what is what.

Guess what happens... I can bet that many readers will call out the "info dumping" or "over explanation" parts everywhere in my story. It just results in an output that no one will like either. For the worse...

There are also ways of explaining stuff withoug over explaining or info dumping. I will use the same example as before.

He opened his Personal Digital Assistant
He eyed the rest of the long text displayed on his PDA

First you introduce the full term, and in a few paragraphs you use abbreviation. The way you did it in the text is you used parenthesis in this example instead of letting a reader naturally understand that PDA is a Personal Digital Assistant. Context also matters. Describe what MC does with Personal Digital Assistant. If you briefly mention that he continues to do the same thing, for example, moving his fingers as he did with Personal Digital Assistant, but this time call it PDA, I and other readers will be able to connect the dots. And you don't need to spend paragraphs explaining what this is, nor do you need to use parenthesis.

Call it dry information or whatever these are but it's better to "show" what these are, or if telling was an option, "tell" it in a narrative that does not pause the flow of the story at all...

Not sure what you mean here, sorry. Also, you should balance it. Only showing is equally as bad as only telling.

If I were to say it, these technical terms are part of character dialogue, and not part of the "third person" narrative. Otherwise, if I put the AU and EM terms outside of character dialogues, then I may have the need to do some explanation which, once again, basically results in an info dump.

There's no point info dumping at a first few chapters regardless of how confusing and technical these terms are because as far as I'm concerned, the narrative of the story in the later chapters would simply explain these things bit by bit.

You are partially right here, however you don't account for the problem I've mentioned in my feedback and what I repeated here. There is way too many new terms in the first chapter.

I don't think your ratings are relevant, especially the fact that it's a 2-chapter read.

Of course. That's why I didn't rate your story, and didn't comment on your plot, worldbuilding or characters. Anyway, my feedback thread is made for people to see a different perspective. Obviously I'm not you, and I'm not judging you as an author. I provide a perspective of a reader. My feedback is subjective, yes, but it's better than none. The reason why I do it is for you to compare what you see as an author, and what some readers will see. This way you can fix things that you deem to be broken, things that readers see differently than you intended them to see.

 

[Graceful_Ghost]

Hi. I hope to gain some insights. Negative or positive so I can improve myself.

Yggdrasil’s Knowledge Seekers

Alice Blodeuwodd Duke Fenix is the phoenix of the generation. Her mother, Angela Del Dharia Fenix, had left her so abruptly in the world without being able to teach her heir. Being the Grand duchess of the Oslaris Galaxy, Alice tries her best to be the phoenix that everyone expects....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

Greetings! I'm interested in your feedback as a reader on one of my series if you are available.

We Got Transported Into A Novel, Mother!

This is a typical isekai story where the protagonists ended up in a web novel they happened to read but I added my own ideas so the settings are biased and my own beliefs.
It's slow at the beginning but it slowly picks up so I would love another reviewer and if possible what I should focus on and what I shouldn't in my writing ^^

Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy. Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 01

Okay, first things first, I want to NOT talk about the worldbuilding, characters, and plot. I read too little, so I have nothing to say about all three.

Before I start talking about everything else, I have to say that I very briefly skimmed through the last available chapter. Currently, it's chapter 37. Why would I do it? To check if you fixed anything. You did not. I also want to mention one little thing. I'm NOT nitpicking. Whenever I talk about downsides or mistakes, I only mention what I personally notice and dislike. So, I can obviously miss something or be wrong somewhere.

Yet there is no room for error on my side with the following thing. Tenses. Stop using different tenses(past and present). It's not okay to do so. Here is example of what I mean.

He doubtful looked around at the strange style of the room which shines brightly with riches expressing,

This is not okay. Stop doing it and stick to one tense, past or present. I will quote another person. Some basics about writing fiction might be nice too. Like having a consistent tense. I wish I would have read that before having to go back and edit 10000 words worth of stuff.

Another part that is 100% a mistake on your side is typos. There are a LOT of typos. Some examples.

She raised her trembling hand to her lip, ‚as

Blood was continuously pouring from
Ron's shoulder

"But as mentioned before,

'Ron this, Ron that' he'd already had enough of that And just

And these are just examples, and I'm sure I missed some.

Another thing that I noticed.

Ron was devastated to see his close friend who he considered a brother stab him in the back (literally). Though this is a single instance of this thing happening from the three chapters I've seen, I have no idea about the rest of your story. Anyway, don't do this. Personally, I find this atrocious when someone uses parenthesis to explain something in a novel. Especially when an author doesn't use a first-person POV. You have ALL the tools in your arms to write whatever you want without parenthesis.

With these three problems out of the way, I can talk about the most massive part. Although, I'm not sure how to call this. It's wrong to group all of it together since you make different mistakes, but I simply can't. This is too hard of a task for me. The problem I'm talking about is how you write. How you phrase your sentences, your choice of words, and so on. And I think explaining everything one by one will be the best explanation.
Here we go. This is a list of examples that I've picked.

Her friends often joked about how she was like an elderly lady because she listens to the radio and believes differently from them. Weirdly phrased and doesn't make any sense. The thing is, I don't even know what this means because of how it is phrased. She believes in different things? Os is it that THE WAY she believes is different?

Although she despises being looked at as if she were a weirdo, she doesn't pay attention to what others say about her. What? The way this is phrased now it sounds like a contradiction. She STRONGLY dislikes (despises) when people say she is weird but she doesn't care? What?

Elisa doesn't want to be caught off guard by an oncoming disaster Why? This part doesn't follow anything that would justify it being said, well, I mean written. More than that, the fact she listens to the radio doesn't make her look like she doesn't want to be caught off guard.

Her confused peach-colored eyes met his identical eyes The way this is phrased right now doesn't mean that her and his eyes look the same. Right now it means that his left and right eyes are the same.

He protectively held her as if guarding against something. Protectively is redundant. Protectively = as if guarding against something.


rusty voice calling for her in concern. Rusty voice? There is a hoarse and raspy voice. Never heard of rusty. Is this another typo?

Unlike them, he is from a well-off and rich family that is supposed to take the center rather than those two. To take the center of what? Another mistake here(though this time I might be wrong) but I think right now this sentence means that FAMILY is supposed to take whatever center you meant. In other words, you fudged up punctuation.

Thinking this way, his expression contorted into one of evil. Simply a poorly phrased sentence. You can easily paraphrase this without losing any meaning and make it flow better/

He held her even more as they fell into the river that was damped with unknown substances. He held her even more? Even more what? More tightly? Also, the river was damped? What?

He knew that in his critical condition, he wouldn't be able to swim out of this as the water sank into his open wounds. Seriously? This is the reason why he can't save her and himself? And swim out? Maybe use come to the surface, resurface, come up, float, emerge?

At his shut eyes, there was suddenly a bright light hovering over them as it covered them with brightness and warmth. AT his shut eyes? What does it even mean?

It was dark and hard enough to know what was going on, but one thing is for sure he didn't feel any pain from suffocation, nor as drenched as he thought he would be. I will simply quote the rule here. Use "nor" before the second or farther of two alternatives when "neither" introduces the first. Example: Neither my mother nor I understand these directions.

He doubtful looked around at the strange style of the room which shines brightly with riches expressing, Doubtful looked? Shines with riches? What?

He couldn't help but ridiculously himself. Another typo? Was it ridicule?

he turned around to find a strange girl with blonde hair transparent near silver. I can understand what you wanted to say, but this is phrased SO badly, that I don't even know what to say. Again, you can and, in my opinion, should paraphrase it.

She looked younger than a kindergartener with a smaller build. First of all, it is a kindergartner. Another typo??? Secondly, with a smaller build? What? She looked younger than a small child with a smaller body? What?

"Huh? Where am I?"

The girl suddenly looked up and rubbed her eye Contradiction. She couldn't even take in her surroundings.

Surprised but the thought of the possibility after thinking for a while. This is where I give up trying to explain what is wrong since I have no idea what you wanted to write here.

Feeling guilty for not being able to heal her up To heal her up??? Maybe to treat her, to save her, to cure her? I don't know, to FIX her?

Before he could finish his words, there was suddenly a loud slam of the door opening and a rushed beautiful woman with short pitch-black hair under her shoulder and shining golden eyes just like his sister's present appearance, smiling at them softly. Bruh.

She squealed as she held her hands together in adoration and ran towards them into a strong embrace of hers. What? She ran towards them to GIVE them a hug? She ran towards them and ENDED up giving them a hug? What do you mean here?

This isn't ALL of the problems with the way you write btw. This is a hefty chunk, but not every mistake.

And I will be completely honest, I have no strength left to talk about anything else. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them. But as for the feedback itself, this is the end. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.5 stars.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

 

[Fallen_Pages]

Hey! You have kindly commented on some other thread of mine; thanks! Are you still doing this? I'm thinking of starting a new story (Still not dropped, but I have a better one already planned). But first I want confirmation of what my mistakes on my current one were. If you feel like it please read my current novel! The feedback can be in this thread. The link is in my signature. Cheers.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Hey! You have kindly commented on some other thread of mine; thanks! Are you still doing this? I'm thinking of starting a new story (Still not dropped, but I have a better one already planned). But first I want confirmation of what my mistakes on my current one were. If you feel like it please read my current novel! The feedback can be in this thread. The link is in my signature. Cheers.

You need to put the link in the thread.

 

[Fallen_Pages]

You need to put the link in the thread.

Isn't my signature in this thread? Maybe the link is too small and people don't see it, no problem though, here it is again https://www.scribblehub.com/series/853944/the-god-of-magics-secret/

 

[SailusGebel]

Hello, you reviewed my first chapter a while back and absolutely destroyed me! I revised it a lot since then. I'd like to know your thoughts on it now. You can leave feedback in the thread. Thanks a lot! Link below:

The Fam [Dark Comedy/Urban Fantasy]

In a world filled with elves, ogres, and humans coexisting amongst each other in a modern society, Cindy, a half-elf, has been faced with discrimination since the day she was born. When she moves to the City of Baldimore to become an Ubear driver, her world view is suddenly changed,...

www.scribblehub.com

Sorry for taking so long, I was busy and lazy, very lazy. Doubly sorry since I don't remember your work at all.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 1: Car

Let's get straight to the feedback. I will start by saying that I don't like your paragraphing. A subjective part of this dislike is that it's simply not great to read long paragraphs on your phone. A somewhat objective part is that it would make sense to split some paragraphs into two or more to show that this is a new scene. I'm not talking about absolutely every paragraph, but you should(in my opinion) change some of them. There is also a third reason, but I will talk about it a bit later when I move on to another topic.

Now, I will mention the presence of weird phrases. Sentences that were phrased weirdly or poorly. There wasn't a lot, but enough for me to mention this as a separate problem. Here are some examples.

Calmly, but with rising panic, the young girl started to speak. I have a hunch of what it means, but this is phrased extremely poorly.

The young girl talked calmly at first, but gradually the panic was overtaking her. I don't like how this sounds, but I spent literally a minute to write my variant. It's not that hard to play around with this phrase so that it will make more sense and read more smoothly.

Raindrop sized tears started to well from the confused child. It's raindrop-sized. Perhaps this one is on me, but I don't like that tears started to well FROM the child.

Raindrop-sized tears started welling up at the corners of the confused child's eyes. Same as above, spent about a minute to do this rewrite. Though, in this case, as I said, perhaps your variant is okay and I simply didn't encounter it.

The lack of feeling from her missing limb gave way to a floodgate as she frantically searched for it. Either there is something with punctuation or something because I can understand what you WANTED to write, but this looks like a broken English right now. Moreover, it has a different meaning from what you WANTED to write.

Cindy's mother could never die, according to her. This one might be on me as well, but I don't understand what this means.

The next thing I want to talk about is parenthesis. I noticed only one example of this, but if you have more in your novel you should change it.

Even if she had gotten that desperate, she was too good at cracking locks (and had no moral compunctions about doing so). Don't use parenthesis. There is no reason to use it since you write the story. It's not a translation where you can make notes as a translator since you have no control over the text. You are in control of everything as an author. Explain everything in the text. If you can't do a proper explanation then rewrite the whole thing.

Okay, and now I can talk about the main problem or a set of problems that plague your novel. And this is the third reason why your paragraphing isn't great. It contributes to these problems. The problems are, I guess I can call it a lack of logic and coherence.

One of the best examples is the letter part. 'Tell that damned disgrace of a half-elf that she's on her own from now on. I'm talking about this part. I won't copy all of it, but what's the problem here? Well, it's extremely simple. It's not a letter.

You call it a letter, The letter that was handed to her read: But this isn't a letter. You can't make up your mind what is the style of a letter. Is it a personal address and a message to MC, or is it a message to the hospital? Because it starts as a message to the hospital, since it's written, Tell that damned disgrace of a half-elf yet what do you write later on? Be grateful, Cindy. So, to whom is this letter addressed? No amount of "suspend your disbelief" and "whoever wrote this letter was angry" is enough for me. This simply doesn't make sense. It constantly mashes up the styles of official and personal letters, and it doesn't make any sense at all.

Another example.

“Mom...why did you leave me here...

“I-I'm sorry mother. You were always so kind to me, but...

Again, I won't copy all the text. Both lines are said in the presence of the nurse, and the nurse doesn't react to this.

The last thing that the nurse did was “I'm so sorry," said the young nurse. There were no lines about her leaving or doing anything. Yet the nurse simply stopped existing. MC ruminated, and monologued, in other words, spent some time acting as if she was alone. But she wasn't alone. The nurse simply vanished even though she's there. The nurse didn't react at all. This looks like a talking head syndrome or something in the same vein.

The last example.
Spending so much time alone in a car will do that to anyone. If she spent so much time alone in a CAR, how come she still doesn't have money to rent a house or a hostel or something? The problem here isn't that this phrase in itself is illogical, or that you can't explain it. The problem here is that the CONTEXT, the text you wrote before this phrase did not indicate that she had the car for a long time. This is all your writing that makes things illogical since there is no consistency in what you write.

Sometimes your text looks as if you took some sentences from their rightful places and threw them elsewhere for some reason. As if a cause and effect are reversed.

Anyway, this is it. I don't have much to say. Obviously, I can't and won't mention your plot, character, and worldbuilding. I didn't read enough to make my opinion. And although there are a lot of logical mistakes, I won't say it's related to the mentioned trio. It's more of a weird writing.

It was relatively easy to read, and whenever I was reading pieces with no mistakes, it was relatively easy to comprehend. But everything I mentioned above made me unable to read further or enjoy the reading process.

And that's the end of my feedback. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.75-2 stars. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Anon2024]

No more horney.