Oh, me, me! I don't know if you wanna give prologues a chance, but my first draft has one, unlike the second one. Please let me know which is better in your opinion.
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I'd choose the first one of the two, though I didn't enjoy either. Though, I'll add that I overall hate LitRPG and that second reminded me why. That said, I do think you should keep to the humorous tone you're going for. I think that's a good touch even if it doesn't appeal to me specifically.f
A year-long engagement with the Duke! Aelis was as shocked as her parents when their family is noticed by none other than the brilliant & young Remonn Emeral - Duke of Lurris. With dashing good looks, a charming personality & a vast dukedom to oversee, Lord Lurris has no business getting...
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Please take a look at my first chapter.
I'm assuming the first chapter is chapter 0 since that is the physical first chapter I see and, if I were reading it, it's the one I'd decide whether or not to read everything else based on. I was turned off by the first sentence because it is so absurdly long. Let's just look at this sentence real quick.
The well-endowed nobles of the kingdom of Ochalis will be the first to tell you, my dear reader, that there wasn't anything special or well-known about the Damaran family, and there certainly wasn't anything exceptionally well-known about Aelis Damaran who came out to society barely two weeks ago among a modest gathering of people, who cared more about the wining and dining than paying their respects to the young lady.
Opening with a run-on sentence doesn't win me over. Then the fact we have a guide narrator (which is what newbie writers lean toward on instinct) makes me hesitant to continue. Anyway, to fix this sentence...
The well-endowed nobles of the kingdom of Ochalis will be the first to tell you that there wasn't anything special or well-known about the Damaran family, and there certainly wasn't anything exceptionally well-known about Aelis Damaran.
If you want to add in the next part, well, that's a matter of flow. Here, this can help with that:
You have yet another one that is way too long after that, which... it's trying to stuff so much in it immediately. You need to pace things out with shorter paragraphs. If you want to set the scene, that's fine. Here, I think you might benefit from this:
To note, prose issues aside, I am a bit curious when it comes to this one why she's engaged to this guy and all. So while I wouldn't because I feel a lot of this feels too raw for me, conceptually it intrigues me a bit.
I'm an artist that wants to get better at writing to make better stories! Please, whenever you have the time, take a look at my story.
Lio Gardener is just doing a favor for one of her former colleagues, Meredith White, whom she had deeply owed. What she didn't realize was that the 'favor' was to control and protect a monster.
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I hate present tense for reasons I stated elsewhere in this thread, but Chapter 0 is intriguing otherwise. ...I should just make a video on my hatred of present tense. Good use of prologue, not too long, nice hook, etc. I was intrigued despite my hatred of present, so I broke my rule and read a bit more. I wanted to give you a bit more since I liked what you were doing.
So, when it comes to character work, you're shining there. I like the personality we get with things in motion. ...And I notice the tenses jump back and forth between past tense and present. For example...
Lio nods, not knowing what to say and feeling completely out of her element.
This is in the present tense.
She turned the ignition off from her car and took the drink out from the cupholder.
This is in the past tense.
Anyway, I like the character work, I'm cool with your dialogue, your prose could use refinement though. For instance, the use of onomatopeia would be much better if you worked it into a sentence as a verb instead of isolated by itself. Regardless, I see potential here for you! I normally try to give a specific video that might help that I've made, but in your case,
I recommend giving the various ones I've created on prose a watch. I seriously think it might help some things click with you and result in quick growth. I feel the one on flow might help out quite a bit in particular, though I've faith all of it could lead to some serious growth based on what you're doing. I just get a raw talent vibe from you.
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Here you go.
PS: I am definitely not an alt account of another vampire here...
This mentally screwed with me for a good 10 minutes.
The PS, not the story. I
loved the story opening so far and it gets my full thumbs up! The opening line had me hooked and I found myself flowing through it quite well. The use of 1st person feels intentional and like it's making the best of it as opposed to something defaulted to, it felt immersive to me, the pacing was well done, the imagery is well handled, and just... it's a nice, smooth read. Well done! If I ever make a list of my favorite first chapters, this will definitely go on it. It does all the things I often speak about and encourage people to do.
could you please provide me some feedback for my 1st chapter of my novel T_T. I revised it so many times I hope its okay now.
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/622748-transmigrated-as-a-villans-older-brother/chapter/623841/
sory if its too long. T_T. I just have fun creating this story
...SHIT, I MISSED THIS! I'll get on it on Thursday. Probably.
