Not really into it. I found it bland. The emotions are surface-level, there's a lot of telling instead of showing, it lacks in descriptive detail to create sensory details or an atmosphere, and the vocabulary is eh. The lead didn't really grab me with anything to make me immerse into them and the fight scene seemed pretty lame, especially when it used onomatopeia in such a lazy way.
Drop the exposition dump in the first paragraph. It's boring and I recommend starting out with characters in motion and learning the information like that through their interactions. Also, for some proper structuring of dialogue, it should be...
"No good," the town healer said while shaking his head. "He's contracted the Bloom."
Or...
"No good." The town healer shook his head. "He's contracted the Bloom."
The way it could start with dialogue and reaction to things actually can make for a much more interesting opening.
The rest isn't all that bad. While I wasn't too excited, that's more just because I'm in an eh mood and emotionally numb at the moment. Still, I think you're doing a decent job.
I liked the opening at first, up until it started inorganically adding in D&D-telling stuff instead of immersing it into the actual narrative. If you want to have it just pop up, I'd come up with some way to better represent it. For instance...
The littlest amazon’s hair shifted back and forth between black and chestnut brown. Gym rat’s bandanna was navy, and his cheeks were flushed. Blind girl’s skin was a smooth khaki color that I couldn’t quite place. What the hell was happening?
Intelligence check: 6. Success! You have darkvision.
I took a moment to process those seven words. I had a minute to think while quietly following Asshole. Darkvision, as in the ability to see in the dark? Plus “intelligence check”. D&D? You roll intelligence to know things in D&D, right? I was grasping at straws, but those were words I’d mostly seen in tabletop games. For fucks sake, out of all the religions in the world, do not tell me that anime is right about what happens when we die.
Really, I'd say I liked the opening up until the rest, then it just kind of felt like standard Isekai, which I'm not the intended audience of, but others are. If you do wish to improve prose, work on some more active writing since a lot of this is passive. Here's how...
Enjoyed this one, actually. It's a bit rough in some places when it comes to the prose -- I feel you could improve your skills with description and how you use that to create atmosphere -- but I did like this one. I'd have some instant tips, but I need to create a guide or something like that in the future. I'll do it whenever enough people ask for it, I guess.
Alright, this one grabbed me out of the gate. There's a bit of grammar that could use some work, like the start of the second paragraph.
That aside though, while I think the chapter is a bit long, this is actually really good! I'd say out of the batch I read today, it's the best. You started at a good moment, and did some nice character work throughout. I just kept getting a sense I was in good hands as I read. So yeah, this has my thumbs up.
I found the opening sentence and such pretty boring. It's just light shining in. I decided to go back to the blurb and, given how mysterious that is, I kind of felt turned off already since this is acting too mysterious as opposed to giving me a concrete idea of what I'm reading. That combined with the slow pace. I just couldn't hook into it and kind of stopped wanting to read.
If you want anything specific, ask and I'll deliver a more detailed response. I'm just in one of my more melancholic states while doing this (figured doing something for others might pep me up), so I don't feel like doing a deep dive unless I'm certain the effort it takes is actually appreciated. Regardless, for those who want to know if I like their stuff or not, there you go with what I read up on.
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