First Chapter Analysis

[Candescence]

I can think of two ways to start, depending. One is to open with a villain intro, with the comparison I'd make to a film like Mulan. The original one, not that terrible live-action remake. It can help create a ticking clock and establish why the villain is to be worried about.

As for the girls, I'd think less about their powers and more about their identity. It goes back to what I said in the first video about a characteristic moment. Like, when I point to the Yor example, it's just her at work. However, her characteristic moment introduction involves her being confused with relation to social stuff and bullied for it. We don't find out she's an assassin until her third scene.

Figure out a way to introduce one of the girls in a way that showcases her-- well, see the video. XD It's why I made it.

Any ideas for how you can do a characteristic moment? I can probably go through examples you mention for them too, such as Power Rangers or Fate or... well, a lot of examples, I'm a 90s kid as well, so I'm an equal lover of those many things.

Well, it seems like the best way to do that is to skip the morning rise and go straight to the campus, but still sometime before lunch break. Right off the top of my head for each of defining characteristics that could be utilized...

• Estella: She's an outgoing party gal and a social butterfly who loves history and also isn't afraid to flaunt her body (and also is probably an exhibitionist). She's also someone who has gone through quite a few boyfriends and girlfriends during her time at high school and university, but it never works out. My first thought with her is that she's greeting people on her way to her first class and then gets ambushed by two of her exes who want to get back together with her, and she turns them both down.
• Anja: Biology student, used to be big into drama and acting, but then a spoiler thing happened during high school and she became clinically depressed, though she's gotten over the worst of it thanks to therapy. She's chill, but still hasn't properly regained her emotional spark. I actually think the original Chapter 1 at least kinda worked in terms of immediately establishing she has issues with depression, such as having trouble getting out of bed in the morning and needing her sisters to help her out of her funks.
• Natalia: Cute, sorta shy, into electronics, engineering and music, though she hasn't had time for the latter due to over focusing on her studies. Something of a "straight gal" to the antics of her eldest sister, but also a closet pervert.

 

[TheTrinary]

You're like a higher effort version of me! Tell me what you think of my prologue, I'm being a bit of a perfectionist nowadays:

The Dark Element - Prologue: The Dying Dark | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[E.M.Kaustinen]

I am interested to see what you think of my first chapter too. It is probably the most stylistic chapter of my story so far.

The Conqueror's Sister

 

[Story_Marc]

Well, it seems like the best way to do that is to skip the morning rise and go straight to the campus, but still sometime before lunch break. Right off the top of my head for each of defining characteristics that could be utilized...

• Estella: She's an outgoing party gal and a social butterfly who loves history and also isn't afraid to flaunt her body (and also is probably an exhibitionist). She's also someone who has gone through quite a few boyfriends and girlfriends during her time at high school and university, but it never works out. My first thought with her is that she's greeting people on her way to her first class and then gets ambushed by two of her exes who want to get back together with her, and she turns them both down.
• Anja: Biology student, used to be big into drama and acting, but then a spoiler thing happened during high school and she became clinically depressed, though she's gotten over the worst of it thanks to therapy. She's chill, but still hasn't properly regained her emotional spark. I actually think the original Chapter 1 at least kinda worked in terms of immediately establishing she has issues with depression, such as having trouble getting out of bed in the morning and needing her sisters to help her out of her funks.
• Natalia: Cute, sorta shy, into electronics, engineering and music, though she hasn't had time for the latter due to over focusing on her studies. Something of a "straight gal" to the antics of her eldest sister, but also a closet pervert.

I think that could work for their introductions. As said, I'd likely pick one to serve as the "focal" point and introduce the others through, but that's just me.

Also, I do recommend a villain opening scene still.The first reason is because of The Rule of 10 I mention on the first page. I'd probably start something with a victim in fear from the villain or from the villain's perspective, characterizing them immediately and inspiring hatred for them before they do whatever pushes them in the direction of the girls. It becomes a ticking clock, something of suspense for the reader while the girls are doing their thing. It scratches the genre itch and doesn't even have to be that long, just a taste of bigger things or what the story is about.

To quote from Hook Em' in Ten...

2) Antagonist.

The other "star role" in your story is the antagonist, the person who brings the problem to the story. Since story is conflict, this character is the one who actually creates the story. The great thing about starting with your antagonist is that it usually builds in some dramatic irony... the audience knows the antagonist is doing some terrible thing which will eventually impact the protagonist, but when we cut to the protagonist they are oblivious. They have no idea that their normal everyday life will soon be turned upside down by the antagonist's actions. Many action and thriller and horror stories begin with the antagonist committing a crime, and then the protagonist has to deal with it.

So yeah, that's pretty much how I'd handle it. I can also think of many examples within the henshin style genre and so on. My immediate thoughts goes to Kaitou Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger with episodes that started with Ganglers carrying out crimes before the Lupinrangers or Patrangers learn about it and get involved for their respective reasons. Though yeah, it varies. But yeah, Rule of 10, genre-pertinent stuff, but also all the other stuff I've talked about.

As said, openings can be a bit demanding at times. Still, hope all this info does help. If it does start feeling overwhelming though, just ignore it and keep going. As much as I care about being an expert storyteller, the greatest advice I've ever received as an author is this:

When you strive for perfection in your writing, you’re dooming yourself to perpetual failure. When you strive to be the best you can be, you will have a fulfilling life.

Writers who are always improving, always learning, move forward. They are secure in the knowledge that the book they wrote ten years ago is the best book it could have been given their level of craft and their understanding of the art of writing at the time they finished the book. They’re better now, so they write new things, explore new pathways.

They grow.

They also realize that they have a career, not a novel. The people who tell you to endlessly revise, the people who tell you not to try something new until you’ve mastered the old, the people who believe that you should make every word perfect before you move onto a new project, those people don’t have writing careers. They might have things that seem like writing careers, like a few published stories, one or two novels.

But they don’t make their living from their craft (in other words, publishing their writing). They also approach storytelling from the point of view of perfection, not the point of view of enjoyment.

If a flawed novel entertains, it has done its job.

Mostly wanted to add that in since I have this fear of overwhelming people with the amount of information I can provide, but I do think learning stuff is the difference maker in the long run. Especially when you recognize it more in works.

Alright, I see more people have asked for feedback!

You're like a higher effort version of me! Tell me what you think of my prologue, I'm being a bit of a perfectionist nowadays:

The Dark Element - Prologue: The Dying Dark | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I know the perfectionist bug. XD Hence why the above is the best advice I've ever gotten. =D That said, of course, I'll read through and give you my feedback! :) I hope I can help ease your perfectionism!

I am interested to see what you think of my first chapter too. It is probably the most stylistic chapter of my story so far.

The Conqueror's Sister

Sure, I'll give it a look! I'll read these two tomorrow! If I don't end up doing additional research because of these works (and get my Sunday episode done fast), I should be able to reply on Saturday or Sunday.

 

[Candescence]

I think that could work for their introductions. As said, I'd likely pick one to serve as the "focal" point and introduce the others through, but that's just me.

Also, I do recommend a villain opening scene still.The first reason is because of The Rule of 10 I mention on the first page. I'd probably start something with a victim in fear from the villain or from the villain's perspective, characterizing them immediately and inspiring hatred for them before they do whatever pushes them in the direction of the girls. It becomes a ticking clock, something of suspense for the reader while the girls are doing their thing. It scratches the genre itch and doesn't even have to be that long, just a taste of bigger things or what the story is about.

To quote from Hook Em' in Ten...


So yeah, that's pretty much how I'd handle it. I can also think of many examples within the henshin style genre and so on. My immediate thoughts goes to Kaitou Sentai Lupinranger VS Keisatsu Sentai Patranger with episodes that started with Ganglers carrying out crimes before the Lupinrangers or Patrangers learn about it and get involved for their respective reasons. Though yeah, it varies. But yeah, Rule of 10, genre-pertinent stuff, but also all the other stuff I've talked about.

As said, openings can be a bit demanding at times. Still, hope all this info does help. If it does start feeling overwhelming though, just ignore it and keep going. As much as I care about being an expert storyteller, the greatest advice I've ever received as an author is this:



Mostly wanted to add that in since I have this fear of overwhelming people with the amount of information I can provide, but I do think learning stuff is the difference maker in the long run. Especially when you recognize it more in works.

No worries, it's all good. And yeah, I have a bit of a perfectionist bug in me as well sometimes.

Anyhow, first things first, I decided to try the villain opening scene, and I've attached what I wrote for it. I think it came out pretty well, it doesn't reveal a ton about the villain's personality since he's basically in all business mode, but there are hints as to his motivations and such, and a bit of lite horror of him menacing a couple of unsuspecting people, and a glimpse of the magic system and how it works.

As for the first chapter proper, I'll probably have it be mainly from Estella's point of view, we'll see how that goes.

 

[Story_Marc]

No worries, it's all good. And yeah, I have a bit of a perfectionist bug in me as well sometimes.

Anyhow, first things first, I decided to try the villain opening scene, and I've attached what I wrote for it. I think it came out pretty well, it doesn't reveal a ton about the villain's personality since he's basically in all business mode, but there are hints as to his motivations and such, and a bit of lite horror of him menacing a couple of unsuspecting people, and a glimpse of the magic system and how it works.

As for the first chapter proper, I'll probably have it be mainly from Estella's point of view, we'll see how that goes.

YES! This works as an opening IMO! It scratches the genre itch, sets the tone for this, it starts out with a character to take an interest in and wonder where stuff is going, I like how it plays off of the others who recognize this character as cheesy but he does make clear a threat, it create suspense for where this is going, etc. And I'm actually intrigued by things like the runes and how you can combine rune stuff with henshin takes.

So yeah, I like what you did here! Good job applying the stuff I've been talking about! I hope you can see for yourself how and why this works much better as an opening compared to your previous attempts.

 

[Storm_0907]

i am intereted to see what you got to say about my novel too! @Story_Marc

TWILIGHT MEMORIES - OLD MEMORIES PART 1 | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Story_Marc]

Okay, after a stressful weekend where I got little done thanks to trying to build a PC for the first time, it's about time to do stuff I meant to but was too pissed off to do!

You're like a higher effort version of me! Tell me what you think of my prologue, I'm being a bit of a perfectionist nowadays:

The Dark Element - Prologue: The Dying Dark | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

So, the fact I favorited and added to my reading list should speak volumes enough from my perspective. Well, the blurb and treasure hunt did that, as did the well-written opening chapter. You have some typos in it when I read it, but again, it's minor stuff. Otherwise, thumbs up! I'm going to leisurely read it.

I am interested to see what you think of my first chapter too. It is probably the most stylistic chapter of my story so far.

The Conqueror's Sister

I hate present tense. Spoken about this before in here, if you wish to look at that. It causes an existential crisis for me. Also, you shift from present tense to past tense midway through, so... same thing I've said before.

I like the concept of this approach and personality you go for, though something feels off and I'm not sure if it's just my hatred of tense issues or if it's something else. It's been eating at me since last week.

 

[TheTrinary]

Okay, after a stressful weekend where I got little done thanks to trying to build a PC for the first time, it's about time to do stuff I meant to but was too pissed off to do!




So, the fact I favorited and added to my reading list should speak volumes enough from my perspective. Well, the blurb and treasure hunt did that, as did the well-written opening chapter. You have some typos in it when I read it, but again, it's minor stuff. Otherwise, thumbs up! I'm going to leisurely read it.

I hate present tense. Spoken about this before in here, if you wish to look at that. It causes an existential crisis for me. Also, you shift from present tense to past tense midway through, so... same thing I've said before.

I like the concept of this approach and personality you go for, though something feels off and I'm not sure if it's just my hatred of tense issues or if it's something else. It's been eating at me since last week.

Thanks dude!

And yeah, I'm at a constant battle with typos. I constantly make small changes, but I have dyslexia and no spell check. It gets cleaned up. . . eventually.

 

[Story_Marc]

i am intereted to see what you got to say about my novel too! @Story_Marc

TWILIGHT MEMORIES - OLD MEMORIES PART 1 | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Alright, doing my advance skim through first now and going to think about the content since I dislike the prose already. Such as not using quotation marks properly at times. Or, with the prose, we have stuff like this:

His eye lids could barely stay open, He yawned a long yawn just as the digital clock on his nightstand read 02:55am.

And this:

I'll brush them when i wake up. He said to himself before closing his eyes.

Or this:

Minato Bushida. a name that should not be spoken of lightly. This man is considered the most dangerous person in the Kagawa prefecture. And he is also the leader of a notorious gang that started spreading out to other Prefectures in the country. He is also on Japan’s most wanted list. He has a huge bounty on his head.

Your prose is so raw and inexperienced and filled with all kinds of issues throughout that it drives me crazy. And it reminds me that I need to finish this goddamn fucking grammar/formatting guide already, which I keep getting sidetracked on because I'm juggling multiple projects right now.

Anyway, I need to do a focused content read so I can give you feedback on what's actually going on and so on. I see potential in it (such as alluding to the friend or the scene with his uncle), I just hate the execution so far. And I want to give you a fair shake beyond the base issues I have with it feeling raw.

 

[E.M.Kaustinen]

Okay, after a stressful weekend where I got little done thanks to trying to build a PC for the first time, it's about time to do stuff I meant to but was too pissed off to do!




So, the fact I favorited and added to my reading list should speak volumes enough from my perspective. Well, the blurb and treasure hunt did that, as did the well-written opening chapter. You have some typos in it when I read it, but again, it's minor stuff. Otherwise, thumbs up! I'm going to leisurely read it.

I hate present tense. Spoken about this before in here, if you wish to look at that. It causes an existential crisis for me. Also, you shift from present tense to past tense midway through, so... same thing I've said before.

I like the concept of this approach and personality you go for, though something feels off and I'm not sure if it's just my hatred of tense issues or if it's something else. It's been eating at me since last week.

Thanks! Tenses are one of my struggles, and I am trying to fix it. I don't know why but when I write, my mind switches between thinking in present to thinking in past so I don't notice when I switch between them in my writing. Eventually I am going to take the time to reread through everything I have written and try to rewrite it strictly in one tense. Or have some else read it and do it for me.

I also prefer past tense, but thought this story would be better in present, so that might also be a reason why I am having this struggle. Now I know I just need to be more aware of it! Thank you, again!

 

[Story_Marc]

Why did I say existential crisis? Eh, juggling multiple things at once can do that. Anyway, @E.M.Kaustinen I doubt the story would be better in present, but I'd see the link I provided earlier on it. I'd argue the awkwardness and drawbacks of it aren't worth it, but that's just me.

 

[E.M.Kaustinen]

Why did I say existential crisis? Eh, juggling multiple things at once can do that. Anyway, @E.M.Kaustinen I doubt the story would be better in present, but I'd see the link I provided earlier on it. I'd argue the awkwardness and drawbacks of it aren't worth it, but that's just me.

I definitely see what you are saying and thanks for that link! It was really interesting. I will have to think about it because soon here I am going to do a large editing of each of my chapters so far. I have been learning where my story and writing is lacking and I want to improve it before I get too far into the story. Once I do, I might bring it back to this forum for you to reread. See if it can win you over once it is revised. I have been learning a lot about writing since I started posting and I want to get better, so thanks for taking the time to give your feedback on my story!

 

[Story_Marc]

I definitely see what you are saying and thanks for that link! It was really interesting. I will have to think about it because soon here I am going to do a large editing of each of my chapters so far. I have been learning where my story and writing is lacking and I want to improve it before I get too far into the story. Once I do, I might bring it back to this forum for you to reread. See if it can win you over once it is revised. I have been learning a lot about writing since I started posting and I want to get better, so thanks for taking the time to give your feedback on my story!

Definitely wish you the best of luck at it and you're welcome to bring it back! Also hope any of the stuff I put in here towards others can be of use to you! Some are more detailed than others, though it's more just because I'm focused purely on the opening chapter as opposed to the entire story.

Regardless, as I said, I think the actual concept is interesting and I like what you're going for there, I just can't tell if it's the present tense that just puts me off or if it's something else. Beyond that, I'm confident you'll get better if you strive for it!

 

[E.M.Kaustinen]

Definitely wish you the best of luck at it and you're welcome to bring it back! Also hope any of the stuff I put in here towards others can be of use to you! Some are more detailed than others, though it's more just because I'm focused purely on the opening chapter as opposed to the entire story.

Regardless, as I said, I think the actual concept is interesting and I like what you're going for there, I just can't tell if it's the present tense that just puts me off or if it's something else. Beyond that, I'm confident you'll get better if you strive for it!

Thanks, I appreciate that!

Also, I have been tinkering a little bit with my story. Changing tenses and stuff, and I am definitely now leaning towards changing it all to past tense. A lot of what I have been hearing about my story is that Zaya starts to have too advanced internal thoughts for her age, which I agree and knew before it was pointed out. I am thinking now that writing it in the past tense could sort of fix that problem. Maybe.

For example: (the first scene)

Present tense:

POV: Zaya Shyes - 4 years old
“Hey Zaya, say hi to your new baby brother, Curtis.”
Mommy is holding a baby. Baby is my brother.
“Hewo badda.”
“This is your older sister. Say hi to Zaya.”
“Hi Zaya, this is Curtis speaking.”
Daddy is waving brother’s hand. Speaking like a baby. Daddy makes us laugh.
“Oh Owen, stop teasing… Zaya, touch Curtis’s hand.”
“It sof, mommy.”
“Yeah…”
Brother smiles.
“Owen! Owen! Did you see that? Curtis smiled! He already loves you Zaya! Your touch made him smile.”
“Weally?!”
Me touching brother makes us all happy.
“Zaya, touch him gently. Gently now.”
Me touching brother gently makes us all happy.

Past tense:

POV: Zaya Shyes - 4 years old
“Hey Zaya, say hi to your new baby brother, Curtis.”
Mommy was holding a baby. Baby was my brother.
“Hewo badda.”
“This is your older sister. Say hi to Zaya.”
“Hi Zaya, this is Curtis speaking.”
Daddy was waving brother’s hand. Speaking like a baby. Daddy made us laugh.
“Oh Owen, stop teasing… Zaya, touch Curtis’s hand.”
“It sof, mommy.”
“Yeah…”
Brother smiled.
“Owen! Owen! Did you see that? Curtis smiled! He already loves you Zaya! Your touch made him smile.”
“Weally?!”
Me touching brother made us all happy.
“Zaya, touch him gently. Gently now.”
Me touching brother gently made us all happy.

My original plan was to make these chapters, or at least chapter 1, feel like memories, and I definitely think it fits better. So, thanks for your suggestion, again! I'll work on it more and hopefully it makes my story flow better.

 

[Deleted member 93348]

Greetings once again! It’s been a while, Story_Marc, but I hope my hard work pays off in the long run. This new novel of mine started off as a very rough draft, but after tons of polishing, I’m confident enough to say this is somewhat passable as a web novel, lmao. As of now, this draft has four chapters, and I’ll write more once I need feedback again.

World Story 2.0

When will I truly publish it? Prob a year from now, cuz I set my goals to write a whole volume and one novella for a character backstory. I know that you may not accept this at all (since it’s not even on any site yet), but any feedback is sincerely helpful for me now. Either way, please let me know what you think. Thank you!

EDIT: I’m currently revamping my writing style into a more informal, sarcastic tone. Why? Because I finally found the one prose that I enjoyed the most, but I only revamped the first chapter as of writing this. The next ones are still kinda clunky and too fast-paced.

 

[Candescence]

YES! This works as an opening IMO! It scratches the genre itch, sets the tone for this, it starts out with a character to take an interest in and wonder where stuff is going, I like how it plays off of the others who recognize this character as cheesy but he does make clear a threat, it create suspense for where this is going, etc. And I'm actually intrigued by things like the runes and how you can combine rune stuff with henshin takes.

So yeah, I like what you did here! Good job applying the stuff I've been talking about! I hope you can see for yourself how and why this works much better as an opening compared to your previous attempts.

Thanks a lot, I appreciate the feedback, though in this case I revised it again based on some other feedback, along with a brand new first chapter that's shorter than the original but starts off in a more interesting way and doles out information in a less clunky fashion.

Basically, the villain prologue was retooled somewhat to be more of a "Darth Vader" villain introduction, changing perspective since I was warned the original introduction for the villain ran the risk of not only making him not intimidating or threatening, but also too sympathetic. I think this version fixes both of those problems.

 

[Vaas13]

Do you find starting a story a daunting task? I do. Luckily, I always have my mountains of research on the writing craft to fall back on. It's helped me out a great deal over the years in building my confidence and I'd love to share a bit of it with those who are interested. I can't guarantee perfection, but I'm fairly confident I can help you start the story on the right foot.

What I'll do is read the first chapter present only and figure out what's either working and/or not working for me. I'll address it in the thread and try to have a back & forth convo with you to see what I can best suggest. I'll also try to connect you with the writing craft which might help you best to hear.

I do reserve the right to pass on a story if it's so extreme against my tastes, but I'll do my best to focus on what your work is doing and what you're trying to do. Also, I'll just tell you if your story passes or fails in my eyes as an opening chapter.

Also, to note, I don't care about "perfection" or the like. Perfection is impossible because it doesn't exist. I simply wish to help refine people's skills as writers so they can better entertain their intended audience. And I refine stuff by using craft techniques which help me get things done and help me help others. This is what I'm offering.

If your outlook is just "I just want to write from my heart and do this", please do not ask for feedback. I'm not against writing for fun. Do it! Write for fun! Enjoy the act of creation! I'm pro-writing as a hobby. It's just that that outlook has nothing to do with the reader's experience. I'm not offering positive affirmation. This is for those who wish to learn where immediate issues might lie for the readers and hear suggestions for how to address those issues. I'm approaching this as a reader first and, when stuff fails, I'm turning on my editor's eye to figure out why. Finally, I'll suggest edits. If you don't wish to change anything, please don't ask. Or, at the very least, don't tell me because I don't care. It's your story and I ultimately want you to do whatever you want with it, not whatever would most please me. It's just tiresome to read again and again after putting in the effort to give a genuine reaction & feedback because it feels like the person didn't want to hear what was said to them.

Armageddon The Flames Book 1 Evolution - CH 1- I Will Finish What You Have Started | Scribble Hub

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500 Words I appreciate all feedback.

 

[wipe1]

I'm using a new writing format, and I don't know if others can read it easily...I can, but if others can't it won't be entertaining for them, and that was the point of it

Multiversal Shenanigans

Jason Wing is what you may call an unlucky person...if by unlucky you mean seemingly cursed levels of bad luck. One day, after his regular dose of his day being ruined, he goes to the library to cheer himself up with a good light novel or manga. A fire...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Story_Marc]

Oh yeah, I do this.

I'll try to finish tackling everything added either Saturday or Sunday.