I originally didn't want to do this, but seeing that you are a harsh(honest) critic, here you go:
Just a single man crash-landed to a planet full of medieval, sword swinging, magic casting elves. His arrival ushered in a new age for the locals, bringing a question with it. Who will adapt, who will die? World map(draft): https://ibb.co/T4mTfkL Any feedback is good feedback,...
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I haven't been able to get proper feedback since starting to rewrite, you see...
Would not keep reading.
Everything is on the averagish side with a few issues that put it a little under that. Namely the writing. Everything makes sense and is grammatical, but it's just kind of rough in terms of quality. Just kind of blunt. Characters don't feel super human.
And the opening is grating. Having someone wake up and have to figure out what is going on is generally kind of weak. I would only do that if there was no other way of doing it. I don't think you have to write it that way. And point b, if you are going to do it, get through it and establish what you can asap. Don't linger on the amensia or loss of place.
Finally, it's realllyyyyyyy long. Especially for an opening chapter.
Hi! It would be great if you can check my "novel" out! I think it would be great to see if a skirmish could work out as a first chapter.
Ilfret is at war. The Norough, a people once in turmoil, band under their new emperor, making allies and taking down their bitter enemies. The neutral states are unwilling to give in to demand after demand of the expansionist Norough. They decide to join the Cloron alliance, which begrudingly...
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Thank you very much!
This one is borderline, but I'm leaning with no, really for one reason.
So generally, it's interesting. There's a bit of moon man talk at first where you throw out a bunch and don't establish it, but it was never overwhelming.
The problem is in the story telling and the in-chapter story. Namely, you state up front what is going to happen: how there is going to be a small skirmish and then everyone moves on their way like it's routine. I loved that both in terms of voice and in terms of story telling because expectations are now that that is the one thing that won't happen.
And then it's exactly what is happens. . . . It's like an anti hook. A hook would be that line I commented on and then everything goes to hell. A hook would be "Our scouts report there are no enemies for miles" and then boom, firefight. It fundamentally violates the idea of set up and pay off. Promise to your reader and delivery. Once again, when you look your read dead in the eye and tell them something is going to happen, you are promising that is the one thing that can't happen.
