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[TheTrinary]

Arsenals of Ephilor: The Rising Fire

The treaty has been broken. The deities, also known as Higher Races, turned against each other and became hostile. Sooner, they will descend from the skies and bring chaos to the world. Seth Lithiras, the protagonist, is a young boy who lives in the Town of Seralim. After the town...

www.scribblehub.com

I'll gladly hear your thoughts.
Thanks for your time.

So this one is a no from me.

So you fall into a common trap in terms of prose. You switch between present and past tense which is always jarring. Less commonly, you also switch narration types. You go from narrative to descriptive at the drop of a hat. With all that said, it's not AS bothersome as it normally is and I don't hate it. It feels like an attempt at style in a way that normally just feels like a mistake. I don't think it works, but it is different.

Delving into the descriptive aspect a little further, I wasn't 100% sure what you were doing. Was that the MC narrating? It felt like his voice. In either case, it needs to be smoother. The explanations need to be more integrated and not feel like a cut away, and some need to just be axed.

And then my final issue is just scene setting. Ironic considering there is so much explanation, but I had some big question marks which could be fine, but not when you literally explain every little detail.

Are they in a small town? It feels like it. Then why is a noble there? It feels very rural and you even establish that the noble is from the city. But the girl also lives in the small town and has had contact with the noble for the last three months straight? Why is the little noble kid just allowed to go on an attempted murder spree? Why is he alone? None of this feels like compatible world building. It would be easy enough to answer all of these questions and set things up naturally within the narrative. Right now, it just feels floaty. It's all vague fantasy world with no real rules or construction to it.

It's also a little long. Why do we need the first part before he goes to the city? It very much feels like two separate ideas.

There were some positives though. You have some good ideas for character moments. I actually quite liked when MC and noble first bump into each other and MC apologizes and recognizes that it's fault and the noble is still a bit dickish. That's a cool idea and I really liked that.

So overall I'd say 1. Prose and 2. Focus it without offering a dissertation.

 

[morhamza]

Eternal

What would you do if you were given an infinite amount of time? Would you consider it a blessing or a curse? How would you pass your days? Follow the story of Silas who was made into an immortal. Experience his tragedies, his triumphs and blunders. A life that stretches...

www.scribblehub.com

So I know it says first chapter feedback, but I would appreciate it if someone read all 3 uploaded chapters and gave me feedback. It's just over 5k words. Please, thank you!

 

[WitheredSage]

You switch between present and past tense which is always jarring.

Hmm... someone has already told this to me before, but for some reason, I still don't get it. I just can't figure it out, somehow.

Are they in a small town? It feels like it. Then why is a noble there? It feels very rural and you even establish that the noble is from the city. But the girl also lives in the small town and has had contact with the noble for the last three months straight? Why is the little noble kid just allowed to go on an attempted murder spree? Why is he alone? None of this feels like compatible world building. It would be easy enough to answer all of these questions and set things up naturally within the narrative. Right now, it just feels floaty. It's all vague fantasy world with no real rules or construction to it.

Ah... my narrative is still bad. Like you said, I tend to focus on some details that doesn't really matter that much. I originally wrote this story in first-persion, that's why it felt like the MC was narrating. I need to fix this.

There were some positives though. You have some good ideas for character moments. I actually quite liked when MC and noble first bump into each other and MC apologizes and recognizes that it's fault and the noble is still a bit dickish. That's a cool idea and I really liked that.

Well, at least there's a positive.

Thanks for your honest thoughts! I was gonna write chapter 8... but I guess I'll reread my previous chapters first.

 

[Jet]

Hi. Another first timer here. I spy impressive and altruistic work being done in this thread. Would be a waste not to try throwing my sixpence. The local expert should know well why my story doesn't attract readers, I suppose. Would like to note that it was supposed to be read as a single chapter originally, and was divided due to SH standards only. But it's your call, really. I'd be glad if you read just a single subchapter.

The power of blood: Vampire

It's the early stages of the Age of Enlightenment in the English countryside. A certain blue-blooded offspring happens to make an acquaintance with a mysterious landlord of exotic origins. Only to get plunged into the world unseen. The realm that has existed alongside our own since time...

www.scribblehub.com

Oh, I'm stupid, but how do you guys make covers clickable in the signature?

 

[TheTrinary]

Eternal

What would you do if you were given an infinite amount of time? Would you consider it a blessing or a curse? How would you pass your days? Follow the story of Silas who was made into an immortal. Experience his tragedies, his triumphs and blunders. A life that stretches...

www.scribblehub.com

So I know it says first chapter feedback, but I would appreciate it if someone read all 3 uploaded chapters and gave me feedback. It's just over 5k words. Please, thank you!

I read the first and thumbed through the second just to get a feel for it. Would keep reading though. Thumbs up.

Solid all around with an interesting premise. Your MC is an interesting POV and I like the narration. The prose is a little stiff and elongated, but that fit the mood of an extremely old teller. If anything, my only weak point was that the voice wasn't strong enough. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but given the unique circumstances of your MC, there's so much you can do with that. So while I liked it, you could have taken it further and really made is wildly unique and gripping.

Just what would a however-old-person be like?

Hi. Another first timer here. I spy impressive and altruistic work being done in this thread. Would be a waste not to try throwing my sixpence. The local expert should know well why my story doesn't attract readers, I suppose. Would like to note that it was supposed to be read as a single chapter originally, and was divided due to SH standards only. But it's your call, really. I'd be glad if you read just a single subchapter.

The power of blood: Vampire

It's the early stages of the Age of Enlightenment in the English countryside. A certain blue-blooded offspring happens to make an acquaintance with a mysterious landlord of exotic origins. Only to get plunged into the world unseen. The realm that has existed alongside our own since time...

www.scribblehub.com

Oh, I'm stupid, but how do you guys make covers clickable in the signature?

I would keep reading. . . just not in the way you probably want.

Your prose screwed with my brain. Your first paragraph is almost complete nonsense. You use commas in everyway but the right way; you have contradictory descriptions. I almost gave up there.

It simultaneously got better and worse, however, because you started using punctuation correct (most times). I basically adjusted in the first paragraph and then it being correct started screwing me over. It wasn't just a first paragraph issue because you would slip into those mistakes again.

The issues aren't all punctuation since there are some pretty big issues I saw in terms of just getting the message across. You would say things and I would just have no idea what that meant: e.g., "Got a feeling that I should digress at this point. As a matter of fact, my entire spirit laid prostrate in awe of Sir Rajy at the time." I'm so lost.

And where this all becomes fascinating is your vocabulary. Normally I would say you used a thesaurus or something, but the weighty prose FEELS right. It feels very naturalistic and good. Thus, extremely baffling considering all the other elements of prose.

So that's my honest take on the matter. Just read it aloud. That alone should help fix the commas if nothing else.

If you don't want to change anything, I would happily pin your story on my front page as "Best of the Worst". It's full on the Room in terms of construction. It's completely genuine and competent enough to make the weirdness feel like you should have known better. So I kind of love what I read so far, just not in the way you want. And I don't want any of this to come off as an insult. I'm just giving an impression here.

 

[Jet]

I would keep reading. . . just not in the way you probably want.

Your prose screwed with my brain. Your first paragraph is almost complete nonsense. You use commas in everyway but the right way; you have contradictory descriptions. I almost gave up there.

It simultaneously got better and worse, however, because you started using punctuation correct (most times). I basically adjusted in the first paragraph and then it being correct started screwing me over. It wasn't just a first paragraph issue because you would slip into those mistakes again.

The issues aren't all punctuation since there are some pretty big issues I saw in terms of just getting the message across. You would say things and I would just have no idea what that meant: e.g., "Got a feeling that I should digress at this point. As a matter of fact, my entire spirit laid prostrate in awe of Sir Rajy at the time." I'm so lost.

And where this all becomes fascinating is your vocabulary. Normally I would say you used a thesaurus or something, but the weighty prose FEELS right. It feels very naturalistic and good. Thus, extremely baffling considering all the other elements of prose.

So that's my honest take on the matter. Just read it aloud. That alone should help fix the commas if nothing else.

If you don't want to change anything, I would happily pin your story on my front page as "Best of the Worst". It's full on the Room in terms of construction. It's completely genuine and competent enough to make the weirdness feel like you should have known better. So I kind of love what I read so far, just not in the way you want. And I don't want any of this to come off as an insult. I'm just giving an impression here.

Hey. Thanks for checking it out! I can't really make anyone read my stuff. So it's your call, really.
I reread it many times but got no clue what you meant by contradictory descriptions. The same with your example, obviously. I mean, I know you are right since I showed it to another fella. And he didn't understand stuff as well. Had to explain. He'd get it and told it's ok. But it was clearly not, for what can be worse than that in the first place?

The character deviates from the subject and rambles on, in that example. Getting awed by another character then. I understand what I write, so I find it hard to imagine overwise... The punctuation and articles are a literal hell. I'm just about giving up on them, tbh. Had to use more pronouns than I intended to already. It seems counterproductive at this point. Might need to hire a proofreader. But it's not worth it atm.

Then again, this story is a rewrite, as I explained in the afterword at the end of the chapter (4th subchapter). No one read the original before it disappeared from my PC. Except I did... So, I remember it being way harder than it is now. Closer to Chaucer, because I was using extremely dated stuff in there. In fact, I, the person who wrote it, didn't understand what I was reading. And I read a fair share of chronicles and legends, such as Beowulf back in the day. But people claim that even this simplified version, which is at the level of Mary Shelly's wordings if not newer, is ridiculously verbose, anyway. I'm considering giving up writing historical and switch over to a contemporary setting. But would be a shame to not even give this one a go. Didn't even start yet. So yeah, not yet.

Well, losing to Sanguine Sovereign hurts. But was expected, in a sense. Couldn't keep up from the start. Glad, I managed to fascinate you with linguistics if not a captivating story at least.

 

[morhamza]

I read the first and thumbed through the second just to get a feel for it. Would keep reading though. Thumbs up.

Solid all around with an interesting premise. Your MC is an interesting POV and I like the narration. The prose is a little stiff and elongated, but that fit the mood of an extremely old teller. If anything, my only weak point was that the voice wasn't strong enough. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but given the unique circumstances of your MC, there's so much you can do with that. So while I liked it, you could have taken it further and really made is wildly unique and gripping.

Just what would a however-old-person be like?

Thank you. About the voice, I didn't want to make it too old. A character as old as mine would find even ancient English modern. I do not trust my ability to write that way convincingly. Besides I've been told the most enjoyable reads are ones written in a voice the reader finds easy to follow (it's my excuse. I never read Shakespeare and I couldn't understand half of what happened in The Iliad cause the language was too convoluted).

I'm glad you liked it. Getting no feedback can sometimes make continuing a story a chore in the early stages since one doesn't get the gratification of seeing people react positively to one's work. Every little positive feedback I get encourages me to continue. So, really, thank you.

 

[DepravedRoyalty]

As a new writer, I would appreciate your opinion on my first chapter

This Game Is Just Absolutely Ridiculous!!!

Why does this game have so many in-game purchases? What's a poor man like me supposed to do? Cry, as the rich kids complete the game? Arc continually questions himself as he starts playing the New Most Popular VR Game. Grades, Image, Peer pressure, Expectations, a teen is burdened by...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TheTrinary]

Thank you. About the voice, I didn't want to make it too old. A character as old as mine would find even ancient English modern. I do not trust my ability to write that way convincingly. Besides I've been told the most enjoyable reads are ones written in a voice the reader finds easy to follow (it's my excuse. I never read Shakespeare and I couldn't understand half of what happened in The Iliad cause the language was too convoluted).

I'm glad you liked it. Getting no feedback can sometimes make continuing a story a chore in the early stages since one doesn't get the gratification of seeing people react positively to one's work. Every little positive feedback I get encourages me to continue. So, really, thank you.

I didn't mean old in linguistics. I meant old in terms of his world view and his perspective.

Hey. Thanks for checking it out! I can't really make anyone read my stuff. So it's your call, really.
I reread it many times but got no clue what you meant by contradictory descriptions. The same with your example, obviously. I mean, I know you are right since I showed it to another fella. And he didn't understand stuff as well. Had to explain. He'd get it and told it's ok. But it was clearly not, for what can be worse than that in the first place?

The character deviates from the subject and rambles on, in that example. Getting awed by another character then. I understand what I write, so I find it hard to imagine overwise... The punctuation and articles are a literal hell. I'm just about giving up on them, tbh. Had to use more pronouns than I intended to already. It seems counterproductive at this point. Might need to hire a proofreader. But it's not worth it atm.

Then again, this story is a rewrite, as I explained in the afterword at the end of the chapter (4th subchapter). No one read the original before it disappeared from my PC. Except I did... So, I remember it being way harder than it is now. Closer to Chaucer, because I was using extremely dated stuff in there. In fact, I, the person who wrote it, didn't understand what I was reading. And I read a fair share of chronicles and legends, such as Beowulf back in the day. But people claim that even this simplified version, which is at the level of Mary Shelly's wordings if not newer, is ridiculously verbose, anyway. I'm considering giving up writing historical and switch over to a contemporary setting. But would be a shame to not even give this one a go. Didn't even start yet. So yeah, not yet.

Well, losing to Sanguine Sovereign hurts. But was expected, in a sense. Couldn't keep up from the start. Glad, I managed to fascinate you with linguistics if not a captivating story at least.

Okay so just off the top of my head you say this in the 1st paragraph: "I gently stroked my horses hair wile I mercilessly shoved my spurs into his side and urged him onwards."

What. Why were you gently petting your horse while frantically speeding along the road.

And in terms of what I quoted before on that jarring point: "Got a feeling that I should digress at this point. As a matter of fact, my entire spirit laid prostrate in awe of Sir Rajy at the time."

It needs more establishment and clearer indication of diversion. Something like: "I'll digress from my story for a time to touch upon the character of Sir Rajy. My entire spirit laid prostrate in awe of the man. . . . etc."

The way you do it doesn't establish who is talking and why. Got a feeling I should digress could mean literally everything. Not to mention Got is past tense which is more in line with the narrative. "I have" contradicts the tense and shows a jump in narrative through-line." "As a matter of fact." Literally nonsense. Something like that is a transitional phrase where you expound upon the previous fact you established. As a matter of fact after pointing out your digressing would be used if you mean to digress further than you already stated. But even that doesn't make sense since you didn't qualify it in the first place.

 

[TheTrinary]

As a new writer, I would appreciate your opinion on my first chapter

This Game Is Just Absolutely Ridiculous!!!

Why does this game have so many in-game purchases? What's a poor man like me supposed to do? Cry, as the rich kids complete the game? Arc continually questions himself as he starts playing the New Most Popular VR Game. Grades, Image, Peer pressure, Expectations, a teen is burdened by...

www.scribblehub.com

Mmmm this one is a no.

But it's interesting because all the components are there and the prose is fine. It's just kind of clumsy. Take for example you're bit about him not being able to afford the Vr headset, great. And then you explain that he has one because his school gave him one. . . great...? Here's the thing, you have to build that up more. It's introduced as a videogame device. It's being used as a video game device. And his school just gave it to him? You need that explanation that sets up the school attempting to integrate VR into their lessons for some reason and the irony that its being used for not that. You step one inch short and instead of being great, it's just kind of stupid. It's a really fine line to walk because it's smart when it starts, stupid where you end it, but theoretically really great if its expanded into what should be very natural.

And that pretty much describes my take on the chapter. You have unexpected nuance that should be engaging but it stops too early and say: "well that's kind of stupid." There's also some weak prose that's technically fine but a bit janky.

As far as takeaways, don't read this as negative as it sounds. You are literally one step away from having something really well thought out and engaging.

 

[morhamza]

I didn't mean old in linguistics. I meant old in terms of his world view and his perspective.

Oh, I see. Well, that's because the character is still quite young. He's currently 21. Though since the person narrating isn't 21 I still sometimes struggle with some things. A couple of people complained about the style of the first chapter; saying the character broke the fourth wall and they didn't like the conversational narration style. However, I'd be more comfortable writing that way, since that would allow me to more overtly display the narrator's personality.
Since people didn't like it I switched up and made the second and third chapters a bit more immersive. Perhaps going forwards I'll introduce prologues and epilogues and make those more conversational, where the narrator talks more directly in his voice to the reader.

 

[TheTrinary]

Oh, I see. Well, that's because the character is still quite young. He's currently 21. Though since the person narrating isn't 21 I still sometimes struggle with some things. A couple of people complained about the style of the first chapter; saying the character broke the fourth wall and they didn't like the conversational narration style. However, I'd be more comfortable writing that way, since that would allow me to more overtly display the narrator's personality.
Since people didn't like it I switched up and made the second and third chapters a bit more immersive. Perhaps going forwards I'll introduce prologues and epilogues and make those more conversational, where the narrator talks more directly in his voice to the reader.

It didn't bother me, but I do agree with that point. I think the conversational style works for the first chapter, but I was happy to see a more narrative voice in the second.

 

[TheEternalScholar]

So I saw this done elsewhere and thought it would be fun.


If anyone wants to volunteer, I'll read your very first chapter (not prologue or anything else) and based solely on that I'll give a quick opinion on whether or not I'd continue reading the entire work. It's like a mini review for the first chapter and the ability to hook the audience!

I can make no guarantees with how contemporaneous it will be, but I'll try and stay up with this thread the best I can.

And if it seems I missed you on the review, just send me a message. There's a lot of stuff and it's entirely possible I could accidently skip someone.


Since this thread has become pretty prolific, I figured I'd make a best of the best list. My personal favorite three starting chapters are:

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/

And no I won't be making a worst of the worst list.

Hey there Trinary,

I would appreciate some feedback on the first chapter if you have the time. Is it fine if I split it into parts 1 and 2, it really does help when I go back and re-edit the chapters to perfect my work.

Lineage: Rise of an Empire

Book 1: Changing Tides The Archon is dying, and with him the stability established during his reign. Outside the island of Syroneika, and the lands within the Archon’s domain, conflict has once again arisen. The continent of Erdenia is in flux, surrounding nations move to swallow their...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you again for any assistance,

TheEternalScholar

 

[TheTrinary]

Hey there Trinary,

I would appreciate some feedback on the first chapter if you have the time. Is it fine if I split it into parts 1 and 2, it really does help when I go back and re-edit the chapters to perfect my work.

Lineage: Rise of an Empire

Book 1: Changing Tides The Archon is dying, and with him the stability established during his reign. Outside the island of Syroneika, and the lands within the Archon’s domain, conflict has once again arisen. The continent of Erdenia is in flux, surrounding nations move to swallow their...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you again for any assistance,

TheEternalScholar

Would keep reading.

Some good characters. Enough action to things going on to hook me. Solid writing. Overall pretty good. My only complaint is in some of the story telling being a little less than clear.

 

[cud-b-better]

Well, guess I'll give it a shot. I'm not the most confident with this series though. Any pointers are always greatly appreciated.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/274071/love-thy-vampiress/

 

[TheTrinary]

Well, guess I'll give it a shot. I'm not the most confident with this series though. Any pointers are always greatly appreciated.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/274071/love-thy-vampiress/

So pointers. I did episode 000 since I guess that's a first chapter and not a prologue?

Your first action scene was moderately confusing. You don't have a set pov and you don't really explain anything. It's third person except where you get into your MC's head. Don't do that. And then you start off with a duel and that I understand but then its 2v1, or a 2v2? Or something. You can't have an action scene if we don't understand the goal. Is he supposed to beat the guy in front of him? Can he just jump some random second person? Why is he fighting 2 people. I got the whole partner aspect with the vampires, but in your opening scene, I didn't understand how that fit into a duel. Once again, you even call it a duel when its literally not.

The actual writing in that scene is fine. The blunt exposition with them shouting back and forth is eh, but whatever. It's fine. I just wanted to know what's going on. In terms of way to start your story, it's actually really exciting. You just need to write it a little better.

Next dream sequence. Fine. Not a fan personally, but it's fine.

And then the third and final section is a bit boring and not really needed. It really just exists for exposition. A lot of what we are told. . . can just happen. He turned down a vampire partnership three times. That's cool. Why not just have the third time be in the infirmary? That'd be pretty exciting. To have your MC turn down more power right away after getting his butt kicked. And you could use it to more naturally set up the exposition. A lot of that information would seem natural if put in an argumentative context; e.g., the person saying why he should partner up.

Let's see what else. I quite like Nora. That was cute.

I do not like the weeby Japanese talk. Writing in English, use English. Don't include those "chans" and honorifics. It's partially a pet peeve of mine, but man is it annoying. Even if you are writing people inside Japan, in a Japanese style, or Japanese tradition, you wouldn't randomly include words from that language. It doesn't offer anything and it's just weird. If you wouldn't write a French story, Russian story, or Indian story that way, don't do it with Japan. It just comes off weird and fetishized.

So that's about it. Should probably have a bit more confidence in yourself.

 

[Hadassah]

I'd be more than obliged if you took a look at my story, Free Agent.

Free Agent

Erin Razor uses her coffee to get through the day, her motorcycle to get around Meridian City, and her constant research to survive what she - and most of the world - is pretty certain is a computer-generated reality. Had she known a career in programming would put her in...

www.scribblehub.com

So obliged that I wanted to make sure to return the favor. I took a look at the first chapter of Syche. (I am skipping the prologue per your own rules, not sure if its a personal preference or just your attempt to cut the meat of a story. I know I have a preference away from prologues personally.)

I much appreciate you sort of starting in the middle of things, rather than going through a lot of explanation of the world, the elements, what your key worldbuilding elements are without action to show them at work first. I gather you are big on show not tell, and there is a lot of showing here, so much so that I feel like this is a scene that acts more like the pre-credits stinger, intending to interest readers rather than reveal the world's rules.

I liked it a lot. You have a clear rapport between Joshua and Kael. You clearly define their intention towards hunting rumors and myth. You also do some interesting world building, discussing thermals and the like. I really enjoyed the slow build and approach to "former and new nations" which implied a lot of state instability overall, rather than long running nations. Joshua and Kael's mixed animosity leaves a lot of questions on the table, given their relatively antagonistic partnership. I want to see if this is a new or long running reaction, if this signals a growing strife or just familial rivalry. I'd assume the former but I get along well with my sibling, ha. I was vaguely interested in the warm orange liquid as well, just a small world detail, which seemed to imply a wholly different world of food. I like seeing practically alien worlds with their own gastronomy, so it was a nice touch to show the audience.

You've left a lot of questions on the table as well. We didn't get to see how Kael would have handled the issue at all, so we are still not sure how much more different this world is from ours, beyond some geological ones. We also don't have a clear understanding of what position Kael and Joshua are regarding the job and collateral damage. Do they need to earn the money from the task or was Kael just messing with Joshua about ovals? Are they worried about killing that horse and possibly a child and possibly wrecking the car? These are all things that could be answered later, of course, but they are the first questions I had when I saw the consequences of Joshua's actions (let alone if Kael had incinerated the kid). These are perfectly fine questions, and I plan to read more to see how some of them play out.

I think the only thing that I had been really confused about was why an electric car would "roar" to life, but this world might use artificial sound generators in electric cars, to warn pedestrians of their approach and reduce fatalities? No big thing, just a sort of contrast of technology to action. If you wanted to make a different foreshadowing element, you could signal the car with a sudden increase in light from behind.

 

[cud-b-better]

So pointers. I did episode 000 since I guess that's a first chapter and not a prologue?

Your first action scene was moderately confusing. You don't have a set pov and you don't really explain anything. It's third person except where you get into your MC's head. Don't do that. And then you start off with a duel and that I understand but then its 2v1, or a 2v2? Or something. You can't have an action scene if we don't understand the goal. Is he supposed to beat the guy in front of him? Can he just jump some random second person? Why is he fighting 2 people. I got the whole partner aspect with the vampires, but in your opening scene, I didn't understand how that fit into a duel. Once again, you even call it a duel when its literally not.

The actual writing in that scene is fine. The blunt exposition with them shouting back and forth is eh, but whatever. It's fine. I just wanted to know what's going on. In terms of way to start your story, it's actually really exciting. You just need to write it a little better.

Next dream sequence. Fine. Not a fan personally, but it's fine.

And then the third and final section is a bit boring and not really needed. It really just exists for exposition. A lot of what we are told. . . can just happen. He turned down a vampire partnership three times. That's cool. Why not just have the third time be in the infirmary? That'd be pretty exciting. To have your MC turn down more power right away after getting his butt kicked. And you could use it to more naturally set up the exposition. A lot of that information would seem natural if put in an argumentative context; e.g., the person saying why he should partner up.

Let's see what else. I quite like Nora. That was cute.

I do not like the weeby Japanese talk. Writing in English, use English. Don't include those "chans" and honorifics. It's partially a pet peeve of mine, but man is it annoying. Even if you are writing people inside Japan, in a Japanese style, or Japanese tradition, you wouldn't randomly include words from that language. It doesn't offer anything and it's just weird. If you wouldn't write a French story, Russian story, or Indian story that way, don't do it with Japan. It just comes off weird and fetishized.

So that's about it. Should probably have a bit more confidence in yourself.

Thanks for the pointers. Little confused regarding not going into MC's head in third person. I always thought that the advantage of third person was you could view any of the characters without restraint. I see, now that you point it out some of the dialogue is a little corny I'll look into that.

As per me using honorifics, that's just personal choice. You can vaguely see a characters relationship by using them, which can cut down on annoying explanations, can't see why its weird really. Although part of the reason I use them is because I don't like being forced to use Miss/Mr/Mrs/Ms for teachers if I convert it to English, that makes me cringe.

I'll have a look to see how I can improve the fight scene at the start, thanks again.

 

[TheTrinary]

Thanks for the pointers. Little confused regarding not going into MC's head in third person. I always thought that the advantage of third person was you could view any of the characters without restraint. I see, now that you point it out some of the dialogue is a little corny I'll look into that.

As per me using honorifics, that's just personal choice. You can vaguely see a characters relationship by using them, which can cut down on annoying explanations, can't see why its weird really. Although part of the reason I use them is because I don't like being forced to use Miss/Mr/Mrs/Ms for teachers if I convert it to English, that makes me cringe.

I'll have a look to see how I can improve the fight scene at the start, thanks again.

Yeah the POV thing can be a little confusing. As a general rule, don't go into more than one person's head in a scene.

I'd be more than obliged if you took a look at my story, Free Agent.

Free Agent

Erin Razor uses her coffee to get through the day, her motorcycle to get around Meridian City, and her constant research to survive what she - and most of the world - is pretty certain is a computer-generated reality. Had she known a career in programming would put her in...

www.scribblehub.com

So obliged that I wanted to make sure to return the favor. I took a look at the first chapter of Syche. (I am skipping the prologue per your own rules, not sure if its a personal preference or just your attempt to cut the meat of a story. I know I have a preference away from prologues personally.)

I much appreciate you sort of starting in the middle of things, rather than going through a lot of explanation of the world, the elements, what your key worldbuilding elements are without action to show them at work first. I gather you are big on show not tell, and there is a lot of showing here, so much so that I feel like this is a scene that acts more like the pre-credits stinger, intending to interest readers rather than reveal the world's rules.

I liked it a lot. You have a clear rapport between Joshua and Kael. You clearly define their intention towards hunting rumors and myth. You also do some interesting world building, discussing thermals and the like. I really enjoyed the slow build and approach to "former and new nations" which implied a lot of state instability overall, rather than long running nations. Joshua and Kael's mixed animosity leaves a lot of questions on the table, given their relatively antagonistic partnership. I want to see if this is a new or long running reaction, if this signals a growing strife or just familial rivalry. I'd assume the former but I get along well with my sibling, ha. I was vaguely interested in the warm orange liquid as well, just a small world detail, which seemed to imply a wholly different world of food. I like seeing practically alien worlds with their own gastronomy, so it was a nice touch to show the audience.

You've left a lot of questions on the table as well. We didn't get to see how Kael would have handled the issue at all, so we are still not sure how much more different this world is from ours, beyond some geological ones. We also don't have a clear understanding of what position Kael and Joshua are regarding the job and collateral damage. Do they need to earn the money from the task or was Kael just messing with Joshua about ovals? Are they worried about killing that horse and possibly a child and possibly wrecking the car? These are all things that could be answered later, of course, but they are the first questions I had when I saw the consequences of Joshua's actions (let alone if Kael had incinerated the kid). These are perfectly fine questions, and I plan to read more to see how some of them play out.

I think the only thing that I had been really confused about was why an electric car would "roar" to life, but this world might use artificial sound generators in electric cars, to warn pedestrians of their approach and reduce fatalities? No big thing, just a sort of contrast of technology to action. If you wanted to make a different foreshadowing element, you could signal the car with a sudden increase in light from behind.

Hey thanks for your take, that was really thorough.

You make a really good point about the electric car. I changed some of the world's technology to not include fossil fuels after I had already written it based on the world's mechanics and history. So this is partially a hold over of the first draft when it wasn't electric. But to be completely honest, I'm not even sure how electric cars sound (just youtubed it) and probably wouldn't have realized it was incorrect anyway. I'll definitely go back and use your light idea when I clean things up after finishing the book.

I'll get to your story later. About to start a busy day.

 

[TheEternalScholar]

Would keep reading.

Some good characters. Enough action to things going on to hook me. Solid writing. Overall pretty good. My only complaint is in some of the story telling being a little less than clear.

Hey,

Thanks for the feedback. Really appreciate you taking your time to help out.

As for the story telling, it will expand naturally, the world the politics. Honestly, I have planned out a very long series, to get to the end goal that I know, it will take probably 25 books.

However, I've got halfway through the first book in a month and a half. So I'll aim for 3 by the end of summer.

Again, thanks for the feedback.