SailusGebel
Well-known member
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2020
- Messages
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Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter Night walker potion.hey there, if you're still doing this, then here is my story, just write about it here!
A Story of Tests
Welcome to the Reader's Challenges, a series of games, that span 9 worlds, where after you succeed, you win whatever you desire. Crow's mother has fallen gravely ill, and she has been diagnosed with an incurable disease. And so, with what his father left him, and his own strength, he embarks...www.scribblehub.com
What can I say? I can address your synopsis and say I won't give your novel a chance. I personally didn't notice info-dumps. At least chapter one wasn't 'info-dumpy' as you said. What I did notice was very bad grammar and writing. And there aren't any questions about the plot. In fact, there are no questions at all. It's a boring, generic beginning, and your synopsis doesn't help.
I said it previously, but I don't think of generic stories as bad ones. I can enjoy them if they are written well. Yours is written badly.
I don't like your style of writing. I don't like how you word your sentences, I don't like how you group your sentences into paragraphs. And I don't like how your text doesn't feel like a proper, cohesive story. I feel like there are bits and pieces you thought of as cool and proceeded to fuse everything into a chapter\story.
Now, I will add a bit more specifics. Let's start with your punctuation.
I will be able to breeze through them like they are nothing!'.
in me? you should know how strong I am! ",
" No! no, no, no! it's no! if you still want to go, then go die for all I care! ",
wait it out. finally, after a few seconds had passed, the headache stopped.
These are just a tiny bit of the most noticeable mistakes. You don't capitalize the first word of the sentence. You almost always don't split your sentences and use commas instead. You don't use commas properly, and so on.
In case you will say that only your first few chapters have such mistakes, here's an example from chapter Test 1: “The Delivery” 5.
"I am sorry, please stop! I didn't want to do this, please stop!".
There are lots of repetitions.
though if you have the money, it isn't guaranteed, but, there is a chance, though
"Ah! what is this? are these really the ingredients needed? ahh! and I need to drink it? it's good that dad said I could add sugar or salt to it, without ruining the potion, since I doubt I will be able to drink it without them, even with them, ah! still,
Not only words, but you also repeat paragraphs.
The potion left to him by his father contained an ability, this ability could only be obtained after drinking the potion he would create by combining whatever was written on the manuscript he was holding at the moment.
To create a potion, many ingredients were needed, but, they were all written on the manuscript his father had left for him.
There is no reason to mention this twice, yet you did.
There are a lot of weird phrases.
Examples
This wasn't any normal ability though, there existed abilities like that, abilities that give you powers, such as fire control, or water control. What does this mean? I don't understand.
his little sister, Cecile, was still a teenager, she was only 18 years old, A quick Google search gave me this. A teenager, or teen, is someone who is between 13 and 19 years old. How come you write she is still a teenager while being ONLY 18 years old? Why use the word only?
" At the very least, you can ask the government to help pay the expenses for her to not suffer in those...last five years of her life...I am sorry my son, I am really sorry! " Huh? Son? I thought MC's father has died.
There is obviously nothing I can say about the story after reading only two chapters. I can mention that your characters don't feel alive.
As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.75 stars. There are no redeeming features. The only thing I can point out as a plus is that I didn't notice a lot of typos\mistakes in words. But I can't say with certainty you don't have them, because I might've overlooked them.
And a small tip. Add some more tags. Tags can help a reader to understand what to expect from a story. Yes, some tags can spoil the story, but in your case, you have a very barebone synopsis, so adding a couple more tags won't hurt.