Free feedback thread.

[LowinKeshin]

Hello

Just wait patiently. We all have lives outside the internet :)

 

[Notadate]

Just wait patiently. We all have lives outside the internet :)

No, not that, I was saying hello for a hello. Also goodnight, my nap was refreshin, but shall sleep

 

[SailusGebel]

Well okay, Here
-
Im not suspect anything praise for well, my first draft.
-
poopsies doops, wrong link Here the true link

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter one, Fall/Fight/Illness - P.1

This is surprisingly good. Okay, I won't willingly read such a story. I'm not a fan of such comedy elements\skits or MCs, but your prose is good.

Before I talk about the comedy, quick and brief feedback on the story and characters, and blah-blah. There is only one chapter, and almost nothing happens. The way you described the actual transportation isn't remarkably unique, but it's better than no at all, and it's still more unique than the majority. So it's a plus. Don't like such MCs, but it's my personal dislike. The world and plot weren't introduced yet, so this is where I stop talking about this part.

Okay, back to your prose, the way you write, whatever you want to call it. I would say that it's on the verge of becoming great. This is obviously my subjective opinion, but your writing is one of the most unique ones, you have your own style.

But it's not great yet, because there are multiple problems present that you need to fix. The main problems that I've noticed are typos, weird phrases, and lack of clarity. With typos, it's easy and self-explanatory why you need to fix them.

His bravo dropped, Probably should be bravado.

The light seemed to no longer increased and was dimeshed, but his fall seemed to— Should be "increase" and "diminished".

Above you can see a couple of examples of typos. There are some more in the text.

Another problem is weird phrases. Okay, this is hard to explain and show. I understand that writing stuff like this is what makes you unique, but I feel like sometimes you go overboard.

Without his strong will, and physically death gripping his junk he would have...

I think this is one of the best examples to show what I mean. I understand what you wanted to say here, but I feel like you can paraphrase this without losing the overall style. Without his strong will and death grip, he would have... I feel like you can simply cut the middle part and leave only the "death grip".
Or, if you are adamant about keeping those parts, word it differently. Maybe write something like this. "Without his strong will and physical grip, rivaling that of a weightlifter, grabbing his bike, he would have..."

Yeah, I forgot to mention that perhaps junk adds to your style, but in this case, he was gripping his bike. Suddenly calling it junk might confuse some readers.

And this is all I wanted to say about weird phrases. I won't say there are a lot of them, but there is more than I find tolerable.

As for the last part, the lack of clarity. This is the hardest to explain. Partially, because two previous problems contribute to this one. What I want to say is that sometimes, it's hard to understand what you write. The text feels disconnected.

Draco's heart dropped.
“Shit!”
He registered that his toe had an ingrown.
— In a sharp and painful jerk, he shot his arms out to stop the wood from falling out.
“Safe,” His right arm began pulsing with a dull pain, “Crap.”

Like this part here. His heart dropped because the wood was about to fall out, then, you for some reason write about toes. Why his jerk was painful, and why did begin pulsing with dull pain? I thought his toe should be hurting. And then, after you wrote how his arm pulsed with dull pain, you proceed to write this.

He continued his humming as he walked forward, taking a right, and then taking another right.

This honestly doesn't make any sense. I could've understood this if you wanted to write some kind of absurd comedy. However, later on, it's relatively easy to understand everything, and this mistake isn't as glaring, and surely not intentional. So I lean towards thinking that this is an unintentional mistake.

I, personally, would love more clarity in the text. Another example of what I mean, I missed what "forge" is in your story. I did reread parts of the story, but it still eludes me. If you can work a bit on clarity, connecting the sentences and paragraphs a bit better, it would improve the readability a lot.

And that's all. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3 stars. Probably a bit high, but I added some for the uniqueness. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

P.S. Questions about your story. If you will try to do the usual shit here, I will simply report you and ignore.

 

[Anon2024]

Minced
Meat
Cutlet

 

[Notadate]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter one, Fall/Fight/Illness - P.1

This is surprisingly good. Okay, I won't willingly read such a story. I'm not a fan of such comedy elements\skits or MCs, but your prose is good.

Before I talk about the comedy, quick and brief feedback on the story and characters, and blah-blah. There is only one chapter, and almost nothing happens. The way you described the actual transportation isn't remarkably unique, but it's better than no at all, and it's still more unique than the majority. So it's a plus. Don't like such MCs, but it's my personal dislike. The world and plot weren't introduced yet, so this is where I stop talking about this part.

Okay, back to your prose, the way you write, whatever you want to call it. I would say that it's on the verge of becoming great. This is obviously my subjective opinion, but your writing is one of the most unique ones, you have your own style.

But it's not great yet, because there are multiple problems present that you need to fix. The main problems that I've noticed are typos, weird phrases, and lack of clarity. With typos, it's easy and self-explanatory why you need to fix them.

His bravo dropped, Probably should be bravado.

The light seemed to no longer increased and was dimeshed, but his fall seemed to— Should be "increase" and "diminished".

Above you can see a couple of examples of typos. There are some more in the text.

Another problem is weird phrases. Okay, this is hard to explain and show. I understand that writing stuff like this is what makes you unique, but I feel like sometimes you go overboard.

Without his strong will, and physically death gripping his junk he would have...

I think this is one of the best examples to show what I mean. I understand what you wanted to say here, but I feel like you can paraphrase this without losing the overall style. Without his strong will and death grip, he would have... I feel like you can simply cut the middle part and leave only the "death grip".
Or, if you are adamant about keeping those parts, word it differently. Maybe write something like this. "Without his strong will and physical grip, rivaling that of a weightlifter, grabbing his bike, he would have..."

Yeah, I forgot to mention that perhaps junk adds to your style, but in this case, he was gripping his bike. Suddenly calling it junk might confuse some readers.

And this is all I wanted to say about weird phrases. I won't say there are a lot of them, but there is more than I find tolerable.

As for the last part, the lack of clarity. This is the hardest to explain. Partially, because two previous problems contribute to this one. What I want to say is that sometimes, it's hard to understand what you write. The text feels disconnected.

Draco's heart dropped.
“Shit!”
He registered that his toe had an ingrown.
— In a sharp and painful jerk, he shot his arms out to stop the wood from falling out.
“Safe,” His right arm began pulsing with a dull pain, “Crap.”

Like this part here. His heart dropped because the wood was about to fall out, then, you for some reason write about toes. Why his jerk was painful, and why did begin pulsing with dull pain? I thought his toe should be hurting. And then, after you wrote how his arm pulsed with dull pain, you proceed to write this.

He continued his humming as he walked forward, taking a right, and then taking another right.

This honestly doesn't make any sense. I could've understood this if you wanted to write some kind of absurd comedy. However, later on, it's relatively easy to understand everything, and this mistake isn't as glaring, and surely not intentional. So I lean towards thinking that this is an unintentional mistake.

I, personally, would love more clarity in the text. Another example of what I mean, I missed what "forge" is in your story. I did reread parts of the story, but it still eludes me. If you can work a bit on clarity, connecting the sentences and paragraphs a bit better, it would improve the readability a lot.

And that's all. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3 stars. Probably a bit high, but I added some for the uniqueness. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

P.S. Questions about your story. If you will try to do the usual shit here, I will simply report you and ignore.

Dammit, I knew that phase would bite me, I added it in as a joke. I not all to great at jokes
-
I can’t stop laughing in embarrassment
I’ll work on it. Thanks for the break down. I won’t try to explain why did a few of those phases or the story, I hate people who think they need to describe why did something. But yes this chapter was written in a comedic tone, and reason? Because the story isn’t a comedy, I put it there to soften the later blows.

Without his strong will, and physically death gripping his junk he would have…

. . . That was dick joke. I have no shame in this fact. He was resisting pissing em’ self.

(That’s all I have to say, bye )

 

[RavenCorella]

Hello.

Originally started on webnovel but it's surprisingly difficult to get eyeballs there. Been trying to find some solid feedback for a while now.

Smelled free reviews, so here I am :)

Ichor: Blood Magic Sovereign

Taken off-site. Volume 1 (75 chapters) are entirely available for free. Check Discord for a link or google the title. :) ___ A slumbering immortal wakes in the Himalayas, sowing lethal nightmares across the mortal states. Millions perish throughout India and China in mere minutes as armies...

www.scribblehub.com

You can post anywhere.

Thanks in advance.

 

[AstraMagically]

Hey there, can you check mine too?
I publish my story both on ScribbleHub and RoyalRoad, but I have more chapters on RR if you don't mind checking there
RoyalRoad link

 

[SailusGebel]

yeah yeah ..

Echoes of The Ascendant Voidwalker: Chronicles of Nova Aaron Celestia

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 02 – New discoverys ( Way forward) and skimmed through Chapter 03 – The encounter & rewards ( Origin Tree ) and Chapter 04 – Rebirth (Time flows on).
It's hard to give feedback on your novel. The thing is, I like the way you write, there are almost no problems in my opinion. While the plot-related problems are kinda vague and subjective.

I guess I will start with writing. I can understand why you write like that. And most of the time, I have no problems with this. It's easy to understand, and it's easy to read. I have noticed only two problems. These problems are subjective, and it's not something major, but I will mention them anyway.

First is paragrpahing. I feel like sometimes you group your sentences wrongly. You don't even need to paraphrase or change the order. You simply split or combine paragraphs in the wrong places. I haven't seen a lot of such things happening, and I won't even show any examples as this is probably on me. I won't even deduct any points because of this, so you might as well not change it. Moreover, there is going to be a problem that I find more important to solve, but I will talk about it later on.

Okay, the other thing is also minor, but it irked me a lot. To the point that I will show a few examples. This problem or mistake is your choice of words. Don't take me wrong. I understand why you choose to use certain terms, and why you write like this. I have no problem with it. Yet sometimes you simply choose the wrong words that look out of place.

Let me try to explain it via examples.

After pondering for a while, the soul sighed. It decided to simply absorb the ambient soothing energy, as it seemed to heal its soul. The soul sighed, it seemed to heal its soul. Using the word "soul" interchangeably as a form of address and as an object ruins your writing to me. When I read the second sentence, I substitute the "IT" with soul, because you've talked about soul in the previous sentence. It leads to this.

The soul decided to simply absorb the ambient soothing energy, as it seemed to heal its soul.

I think you can easily change it into, "It decided to simply absorb the ambient soothing energy, as it seemed to have healing properties." And it will still be in style.

Yet, here it was—a soul in an unknown place, absorbing unknown energy to mend its wounded soul. This sentence is an even better example of what I mean. The soul used energy to mend its soul. I can kinda understand why you would want to write it like this, but I think sometimes you need to make concessions when writing. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a bit of your style for additional clarity and flow.

Yet, here it was—a soul in an unknown place, absorbing unknown energy to mend itself.

Breathing was unnecessary, as there was no air in this realm, and as a soul, he doesn't think bodily functions are required for it, This one is also a good example. It's a sentence from the beginning of chapter 2. You see, you use IT whenever you address the soul in the first half of this chapter, and only later on do you start using "he". So this thing ruins your idea.

There are more mistakes like this in the text, the above are only examples. And in the case of this problem, I really think you should fix at least some of them. Oh, and the last thing.

"System @origin1: Activation initiated." change the colors of this stuff. It's almost impossible to read.

With how you write out of the way, I can talk about the major problem that I've mentioned above. At the same time, this problem is very subjective and hard to explain.

I will ask you to not run away to rewrite everything after you read the following words. Your start is boring. How should I even say this properly? There is way too much info, way too much worldbuilding, descriptions, or whatever. Usually, I don't give such advice, but this time is an exception. I might be wrong, yet I think that your start is way too slow. This means that it will be almost impossible to get any views at all. You spent somewhere around 6 to 8 thousand words on simple transmigration(isekai). Of which, half are different descriptions of how things work.

I can understand and appreciate this. I can enjoy a slow-paced novel, and trying to describe the isekai part in a unique way is cool. On the other hand, I really can't bear to read stuff like this all the time.
The spaces between the veils of realities are distinct entities, although they are based on the same concept. They incorporate their own unique aspects to stabilize, but beyond the realm of reality, space behaves differently. It takes on a solid nature, so to speak. You might be wondering, "Solid space? Really?" Well, the void doesn't technically possess anything, or rather, it lacks any rules or laws that can overwhelm its own conceptualization.

No offense here, but I'm not wondering. I want to get done with this and focus on MC. And while your chapters 2, 3, and 4 are at least somewhat bearable, in my opinion, chapter 1 definitely needs to be changed. Almost half of the first chapter is nothing but exposition, where you info dump what this is or what that is. It's tiring to read something that looks like a compilation of different entries from a wiki.

I can be wrong here. After all, this is my subjective opinion. Perhaps others would find it cool, I have no way of knowing this, that's why I advise you not to change anything yet. Ask for feedback from others, ask for feedback from readers. Compare different feedback with what you want to write, and only then change anything.

And this is the end of my feedback. I've got nothing else to say. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3 stars. I would've given a higher score if not for the poor word choices, and pacing issues. For me, prologue on its own took away half a star. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

bop

 

[Deleted member 131598]

I'm quite a newbie here so, feedbacks are quite appreciated! Also constructive criticism is always welcome!
(Anywhere is fine with me!)
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/808269/the-world-of-the-unknown/

 

[Midnight-Phantom]

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 02 – New discoverys ( Way forward) and skimmed through Chapter 03 – The encounter & rewards ( Origin Tree ) and Chapter 04 – Rebirth (Time flows on).
It's hard to give feedback on your novel. The thing is, I like the way you write, there are almost no problems in my opinion. While the plot-related problems are kinda vague and subjective.

I guess I will start with writing. I can understand why you write like that. And most of the time, I have no problems with this. It's easy to understand, and it's easy to read. I have noticed only two problems. These problems are subjective, and it's not something major, but I will mention them anyway.

First is paragrpahing. I feel like sometimes you group your sentences wrongly. You don't even need to paraphrase or change the order. You simply split or combine paragraphs in the wrong places. I haven't seen a lot of such things happening, and I won't even show any examples as this is probably on me. I won't even deduct any points because of this, so you might as well not change it. Moreover, there is going to be a problem that I find more important to solve, but I will talk about it later on.

Okay, the other thing is also minor, but it irked me a lot. To the point that I will show a few examples. This problem or mistake is your choice of words. Don't take me wrong. I understand why you choose to use certain terms, and why you write like this. I have no problem with it. Yet sometimes you simply choose the wrong words that look out of place.

Let me try to explain it via examples.

After pondering for a while, the soul sighed. It decided to simply absorb the ambient soothing energy, as it seemed to heal its soul. The soul sighed, it seemed to heal its soul. Using the word "soul" interchangeably as a form of address and as an object ruins your writing to me. When I read the second sentence, I substitute the "IT" with soul, because you've talked about soul in the previous sentence. It leads to this.

The soul decided to simply absorb the ambient soothing energy, as it seemed to heal its soul.

I think you can easily change it into, "It decided to simply absorb the ambient soothing energy, as it seemed to have healing properties." And it will still be in style.

Yet, here it was—a soul in an unknown place, absorbing unknown energy to mend its wounded soul. This sentence is an even better example of what I mean. The soul used energy to mend its soul. I can kinda understand why you would want to write it like this, but I think sometimes you need to make concessions when writing. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a bit of your style for additional clarity and flow.

Yet, here it was—a soul in an unknown place, absorbing unknown energy to mend itself.

Breathing was unnecessary, as there was no air in this realm, and as a soul, he doesn't think bodily functions are required for it, This one is also a good example. It's a sentence from the beginning of chapter 2. You see, you use IT whenever you address the soul in the first half of this chapter, and only later on do you start using "he". So this thing ruins your idea.

There are more mistakes like this in the text, the above are only examples. And in the case of this problem, I really think you should fix at least some of them. Oh, and the last thing.

"System @origin1: Activation initiated." change the colors of this stuff. It's almost impossible to read.

With how you write out of the way, I can talk about the major problem that I've mentioned above. At the same time, this problem is very subjective and hard to explain.

I will ask you to not run away to rewrite everything after you read the following words. Your start is boring. How should I even say this properly? There is way too much info, way too much worldbuilding, descriptions, or whatever. Usually, I don't give such advice, but this time is an exception. I might be wrong, yet I think that your start is way too slow. This means that it will be almost impossible to get any views at all. You spent somewhere around 6 to 8 thousand words on simple transmigration(isekai). Of which, half are different descriptions of how things work.

I can understand and appreciate this. I can enjoy a slow-paced novel, and trying to describe the isekai part in a unique way is cool. On the other hand, I really can't bear to read stuff like this all the time.
The spaces between the veils of realities are distinct entities, although they are based on the same concept. They incorporate their own unique aspects to stabilize, but beyond the realm of reality, space behaves differently. It takes on a solid nature, so to speak. You might be wondering, "Solid space? Really?" Well, the void doesn't technically possess anything, or rather, it lacks any rules or laws that can overwhelm its own conceptualization.

No offense here, but I'm not wondering. I want to get done with this and focus on MC. And while your chapters 2, 3, and 4 are at least somewhat bearable, in my opinion, chapter 1 definitely needs to be changed. Almost half of the first chapter is nothing but exposition, where you info dump what this is or what that is. It's tiring to read something that looks like a compilation of different entries from a wiki.

I can be wrong here. After all, this is my subjective opinion. Perhaps others would find it cool, I have no way of knowing this, that's why I advise you not to change anything yet. Ask for feedback from others, ask for feedback from readers. Compare different feedback with what you want to write, and only then change anything.

And this is the end of my feedback. I've got nothing else to say. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 3 stars. I would've given a higher score if not for the poor word choices, and pacing issues. For me, prologue on its own took away half a star. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

.. 3

I know, bro. I posted an author's note in the chapter to the audience for that too. As you know I'm from India, and on top of that I don't use English at all in my daily life except for gadgets or online things, and here in the whole country, we use a lot of different English words and phrases here.

It's hard to change those styles, but I'm glad that my first novel doesn't suck. Chapter 1 is a bit long, even for me, and it's an info dump. I wanted to come clean about why I'm writing this novel, so I described my point of view in a lot of detail. I don't know how to change it, though.

And I did the splitting of paragraphs for mobile devices, as I find that on a smartphone it was quite easy to read if I did that, and even on a desktop it's not a big issue, I'm also struggling with how to describe characters. I've never done it before, so I don't know what to do.

Do you have any suggestions? Or can you help me describe my characters?

 

[SailusGebel]

As you know I'm from India,

I didn't know this.

And I did the splitting of paragraphs for mobile devices, as I find that on a smartphone it was quite easy to read if I did that, and even on a desktop it's not a big issue,

You shouldn't be afraid to occasionly make long or short paragrpahs. Key word occasionly. It actually helps with retention of readers' attention. Also the issue isn't that it's hard to read. Reading it was easy and comfortable, no problems. The main issue is that there were a couple of times when you split the scene, description, or exposition in a wrong place. Not a big mistake, and it is subjective.

I'm also struggling with how to describe characters. I've never done it before, so I don't know what to do.

Do you have any suggestions? Or can you help me describe my characters?

I can't help you, sorry. But I do have a suggestion. You can either go to this thread

What Are Topics You'd Like To Know More About With Storytelling?

Phonetics, how to make fictional names of people and places.

forum.scribblehub.com

Or ask Story_Marc directly(be polite) to make a guide on how to describe characters. You can also make a thread on your own, to ask for advice. There will be a couple of trolls and some shitposting, but eventually authors will share their thoughts about the topic. Though, you have to be more concrete when you ask this question. What exactly is troubling you. Appeareance, personalities, or something different.

 

[Midnight-Phantom]

I didn't know this.

You shouldn't be afraid to occasionly make long or short paragrpahs. Key word occasionly. It actually helps with retention of readers' attention. Also the issue isn't that it's hard to read. Reading it was easy and comfortable, no problems. The main issue is that there were a couple of times when you split the scene, description, or exposition in a wrong place. Not a big mistake, and it is subjective.

I can't help you, sorry. But I do have a suggestion. You can either go to this thread

What Are Topics You'd Like To Know More About With Storytelling?

Phonetics, how to make fictional names of people and places.

forum.scribblehub.com

Or ask Story_Marc directly(be polite) to make a guide on how to describe characters. You can also make a thread on your own, to ask for advice. There will be a couple of trolls and some shitposting, but eventually authors will share their thoughts about the topic. Though, you have to be more concrete when you ask this question. What exactly is troubling you. Appeareance, personalities, or something different.

It's like this bro, I've always had trouble remembering people's names and appearances in real life. If I didn't like you, your existence didn't matter to me at all. I could remember those I liked or bonded with, but it depended on their names or appearances.

These days, it doesn't matter as much, but I still find it difficult to remember names sometimes. As a result, I've noticed that describing characters is becoming more difficult for me. I can't seem to describe how they look based on their age, clothing, and other factors properly.

 

[SumGh0st]

Hello, could check the prologue of my story too? I started recently and, thanks to school, I have little to no experience when it comes to writing anything with more than 30 lines. Any feedback (I don't really mind where it is sent) is appreciated!

Ascending moon

Antara was alone, struggling consnstantly stuggling to survive for another day. He fought with the weapons that he had, trying his best to lead a normal life. But time after time he failed in achieving this simple yet at the same so complex objective. He kept going own, living in...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

Hello.

Originally started on webnovel but it's surprisingly difficult to get eyeballs there. Been trying to find some solid feedback for a while now.

Smelled free reviews, so here I am :)

Ichor: Blood Magic Sovereign

Taken off-site. Volume 1 (75 chapters) are entirely available for free. Check Discord for a link or google the title. :) ___ A slumbering immortal wakes in the Himalayas, sowing lethal nightmares across the mortal states. Millions perish throughout India and China in mere minutes as armies...

www.scribblehub.com

You can post anywhere.

Thanks in advance.

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I read chapter Time Reversal.

First of all, friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam. You've basically killed your own novel by posting all chapters at the same time.

The novel is not bad; I even enjoyed some parts. Yet everything is ruined by the copious amount of various mistakes. Mostly different grammar mistakes.

But before I start talking about mistakes, let me briefly talk about the plot, worldbuilding, and so on. I obviously can't say anything about this with certainty since I've only read 3 chapters. But I really want to mention a couple of things.

Based on three chapters, the worldbuilding feels somewhat generic, non-original. However, at the same time, if I look at everything that I've read in this and the previous feedback thread, your world is more original, I guess? Hard to explain this. It's not original, yet a setting like this is rarely used, so it's nice to see it every now and again.

Another thing I wanted to mention is MC. I don't buy that he is a wizened old man. Probably subjective, but I really don't feel like he acts his age. Maybe this will change later on, but in the first few chapters, I couldn't feel his age.

Back to mistakes. I like the way you write. When I see parts that don't have mistakes, it's easy to read and comprehend. That's what I liked. Yet there are so few parts without mistakes. Before I start, I'm sorry for dumping all of this together; I'm lazy. Also, because I'm lazy, with a single exception, all examples are from the prologue.

Without further ado, let me start with the exception.
The radiance bit like swords into his skull before the onslaught of temperature even made itself known. Swords BIT? What? Also, the whole sentence is a mess.
Even before the effect of a temperature showed itself, the radiance penetrated his skull as if it was a bunch of swords.

Do I like how I rewrote it? No. But at least it makes sense from the get-go, and you don't need to read the sentence to understand what has happened. In other words, apart from the mentioned problem of a sword being able to bite, this sentence lacks clarity. Anticipating your response to this. I know that it's a metaphor, yet I've never seen anyone say that SWORD can bite.

Okay, let's move on to mistakes from the prologue.
Seemingly ripped out of prehistoric time, it was dilapidated and worn, clearly Should be "Worn out".

The chimera trumpeted its pain and anger as the lasers melted holes across its shell. Trumpeted in pain.

Its horrifying scale aside, it boasted vicious weapons in the form of blood-caked tusks, seven meters long. Actually not sure here. If scale = size, everything is okay. But if you wanted to talk about the carapace, it is "scales".

Although the area seeming barren and devoid of life, the restless men in the hull went through several breathing exercises to prepare themselves. Seeming? Wrong tense. Should be "seemed".

It was torturous, and before long beads of sweat accumulated on their brows even with the temperature being well below -20 degrees. Punctuation mistake.

With a mindset to purge the trespassers, the beast reached the defensive line with misleadingly quick steps. Weird, paraphrase this.

The size of the beast was misleading. It moved quickly, reaching the defensive lines in a blink of an eye with only one thought; to purge the trespassers. Same as the previous example where I had to paraphrase. I don't like what I did, but I still find that it makes more sense than your sentence.

Forced to ignore the silent pleas in the back of their head to turn back, they finally leapt out into an insane nosedive. First of all, there is a wrong tense once again, should be "leaped". Secondly, an overall weird sentence that, once again barely makes any sense.

I will explain why it's weird. Forced by whom? Whose pleas? These are important questions because depending on the answers, the meaning of the sentence changes drastically. This is why I won't even paraphrase it. I don't know what you mean here.

At last, as if a cruel denial to their prayers, they heard something. Again, weird sentence. Can I understand what it means? I think yes. Was it pleasant to read? No. So, the outcome is simple. Paraphrase it.

Lastly, two not grammar mistakes. The following are not examples. I've only noticed these two mistakes in three chapters.

Its crimson eyes shone in the moonlight for the first time in centuries, "It" is in the castle. How can its eyes shine in the moonlight?

Hundreds of men soon found themselves emptied, their husks dropping like lifeless flies in winter. They got seven men. Maybe I've missed something, but they got some robots from the portal. There were no human reinforcements. So, the squad had seven men after the chimera. Why hundreds of men?

With this, I'm done with mistakes. Before I move on, I want to once again mention, with the exception of the last part, all of the above are examples. It means there are a lot more different mistakes in your text. Wrong words are being used, wrong tenses, punctuation mistakes, and weirdly phrased sentences that are hard to understand. It feels like you haven't edited your chapters at all.

Before I finish my feedback, I want to mention a few more things. First of all, move the author's note to somewhere else, before the prologue might do. No offense here. This is an observation based on my own experience. Until you got yourself at least a few loyal readers, in other words, a fanbase, people won't give a shit about author notes. The only thing the majority of silent readers care about is the final product. So this Author's note might be actually detrimental. Obviously, I'm not 100% sure, and I'm not stating facts. This is my subjective opinion, so feel free to ignore it if you think I'm wrong. But if you decide to listen to my advice, you can move your chapters on SH, so you don't need to delete your author's note. Simply move it somewhere.

The last thing. Don't call it a prologue if you decide to write this in your first chapter.
@A few hundred kilometers North, across the Chinese border
#Earlier the same day…

And this is the end of my feedback. I've got nothing else to say. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 1.75-2 stars. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Bleh, Bleh-Bleh

 

[Infinityphoenix]

Please do mine! And you can post it here, idc:

Keeper of Totality [Time-Travel LitRPG]

The death of the Hero reset the timeline. That wasn’t what Lucy had intended when she made that last soul attack while dying. But she returned to Earth and tried to do the obvious thing: use her knowledge of the future to dominate the System’s Tower. Except A:...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SailusGebel]

Hey there, can you check mine too?
I publish my story both on ScribbleHub and RoyalRoad, but I have more chapters on RR if you don't mind checking there
RoyalRoad link

Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished Chapter 2: Swarms of Insectoid Monsters

When it comes to plot or worldbuilding, I can't say much, as I've read way too little, yet I have something to say about the characters. So far, there were only two characters, MC and AI, and both are not okay.

Starting with AI. This one can be easily my mistake since it's based on the definition of a single word.
More like an AI thanks to her tone which was always lackluster.

What do you mean by tone? If you use "tone" in relation to how loud or quiet AI is, it's okay, though there is still a mistake.

“How many times do I have to tell you? I. Am. A. Digitalized. Mind!”
“Be careful! They are approaching you,” Lunaria warned.

If the AI tone is lackluster, don't use exclamation marks when you write AI dialogue lines. Using exclamation marks contradicts how you described AI. If "tone" isn't related exclusively to the volume\loudness, then this is an even bigger mistake since AI is never lackluster. In fact, AI is more emotional than MC.

Now I can talk about MC. Before I start, I will preface this by saying that this is my subjective opinion. Maybe it's on me, and this is only my perception; I don't know.

Anyway, your MC is dreadfully generic and boring. Mary Sue. He knows everything and can do anything. Calling him Mary Sue is obviously an exaggeration, but he is way too perfect and unemotional. I simply don't believe that he is a real, proper human.

I was someone that had survived in this world for three months. Three months!
How nostalgic. It reminded me of how I was barely able to kill a cockroach three months ago.

I won't copy and paste all of the similar sentences and paragraphs. I simply wanted to illustrate what I meant. The above are reasons why he is so cool, calm, and collected. The thing is, I can't see this as anything other than an excuse to make your MC perfect.

You TELL me how he became cool, however, I simply don't believe your words. SHOW me, or I won't believe it. I'm not saying this is how you did it, I'm saying how I, and only I perceive this. I see those bits of backstory as an excuse to not bother making him realistic, and make him a generic MC that can do everything.

Btw, the following is a good example of what I'm talking about when I say he can do everything.
I was still not quite the sharpshooter,
Adopting the instincts of a seasoned sniper,

Yeah-yeah, he has the system, survivalist vocation, and blah-blah. This is only a single example of how you wrote your MC and how he behaves.
Oh, and I'm not saying he should be a so-called beta, a scaredy-cat, a doormat, or something. He simply should be less perfect. Make mistakes you know, or maybe show some realistic emotions.

Okay, with this, I'm done talking about this part of your story, and I can focus on grammar.

First of all, get rid of the parenthesis in the text. I'm not talking about using this "()" when you write about systems, LitRPG elements, and so on.
I'm talking about this shit.

At the top, it displayed my name and this original body’s name, followed by two things I didn’t understand, Vocations (a kind of special ability),

I could access more information about the additional abilities such as [Identification] and [Mission] (as this was where I accessed the mission so far).

Rewrite all the similar sentences and get rid of those things. You can and should write everything as is, using other tools. Use commas, quotation marks, and so on. Don't use parenthesis.

Now, a hard part. I'm not sure how to group the following mistakes, nor do I know how to call them. Probably minor logical mistakes?

and a black frilly headband that matched the theme of her dress adorned her hand. HEADband on hand?

First, you write, Vocation — [The Survivalist].
In the following paragraphs you write, [The Survivalist] An ability that allows the user What? I thought Survivalist is a vocation, not an ability.
To be fair, I didn't notice a lot of such mistakes, and the above are the only examples I've seen. Still, you should probably do something about this.

Another type of mistake is out-of-place words or even sentences.

The material used to make this was also several notches better, despite everything. Despite everything? What?

Plus, the one that controlled it was Lunaria, a self-proclaimed digitized mind or whatever. Why plus? It's not simply redundant, it makes the sentence worse.

The only reason that I inhabited his body was that he died This is an example of out of place sentence. If you look at the context, MC explains about stats, and then BAM, you write this sentence. Why? Why did you include it in that place, why did you write it like that? It simply doesn't make any sense.

In the eerie silence, peculiar noises would occasionally echo from within, like some abominations were lurking deep beneath. This isn't as much of an out-of-place mistake, but "like" doesn't fit here at all. "As if" would probably suit it better, but I'm not sure.

Okay, the rest are miscellaneous mistakes that I don't know how to group at all.
As that voice appeared, a 3D hologram projection of a pretty teenage girl about sixteen to seventeen in a black Victorian dress appeared. You forgot to write years old after "sixteen to seventeen".

Anything that fell into it was as good as vanishing to another dimension. Wrong tense? Not sure.

although it slightly resembled the one that he used in his village with various variations. Incomprehensible.

And the last mistake is a single typo. Why did she name the ship after herself?I I didn't notice any typos besides this one.

I should be fair and honest once again. The majority of mistakes that I've noticed are only present in chapter one, like the aforementioned minor logical mistake. Overall, chapter 2 has a lot fewer mistakes. I can't say there were no mistakes at all, perhaps I've missed some? Anyway, since I didn't read more, I can't really form an opinion on your grammar. Although I quickly checked and saw you've used parenthesis in later chapters. Other than that, I don't know what mistakes are recurring type, and what mistakes are one-time occurrences.

And this is the end of my feedback. I've got nothing else to say. As usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.75 stars. In terms of actual reading and grammar, it was 50-50. The first chapter was bad, second was okay. The setting is somewhat interesting, but the characters are bad. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.

 

[Kakurenbo]

OVERPOWERED

Fortune king, a title granted to the individual who has amassed wealth, more than anyone in the world could ever hope to have God of war, the title of the only 9-star military general capable of waging and winning wars against countries all by his lonesome. World's mightiest, a title...

www.scribblehub.com

Nothing is better than free feedback

u can reply here, thanksss

 

[SailusGebel]

OVERPOWERED

Fortune king, a title granted to the individual who has amassed wealth, more than anyone in the world could ever hope to have God of war, the title of the only 9-star military general capable of waging and winning wars against countries all by his lonesome. World's mightiest, a title...

www.scribblehub.com

Nothing is better than free feedback

u can reply here, thanksss

Bruh.

I will give you feedback in a few days, but before I do it, here's a friendly advice. If you plan to continue writing and posting on SH, don't post chapters in quick succession. Try not to post more than 3 chapters a day, and try to spread your releases. If you post chapters in quick succession, your story will be flagged as spam, and it will be hidden from the latest updates for some time(usually less than a day). No latest updates = almost zero views. Deleting and reuploading chapters also considered as spam.