Additional Feedback/Reviews

[J_Chemist]

Hello everyone,

I've come to the conclusion that as an Author and Writer, I learn the most when I read, watch, and analyze others' works. It is how I got into writing as a hobby in the first place; my love for reading, that is. Viewing others' works allows me to see how other people may see a situation and aids me in building on my own skill and ability to formulate the English language into a work that is worth enjoying.

However, it has come to my attention that not only can I get something out of reading but I can also give back to the writer/author. Forums, Review systems, Star systems, etc. They allow us as a community to assist an author/writer with making their work even better than it was before. By providing feedback in a meaningful way, we can give them a few tools and helpful tips/hints that they might be missing while they are writing. My own story has been going on for quite a while now and after plenty of discussions with friends/cohorts, I am making a lot of revisions and fixes throughout, which has caused me to put a pause on future chapters.

However, taking that pause, taking reviews and criticism seriously, has helped me develop my story into the precious jewel that I cherish. While there are those out there who do not agree, I have found far more who do and it's a blessing. I do acknowledge one thing though- I would not be here without those few people speaking up and telling me I am wrong or for taking their time to correct my mistakes or just make me aware of them.

As someone who takes reviews and ratings seriously, I would like to extend the opportunity to you all. Seeing as SH is a place I've found myself slowly becoming more interested in, I would like to return the favor to this community as a start. As with the other few threads that are within this board (Blob's, SaliusGebel's, SakeVision's, AkalE's, TheTrinary's, and others), I will be giving feedback on a 5 Star rating system. Within that rating, I'll be following Royal Road's style to organize my thoughts and will rate each category. I'll focus on your Plot, your Characters, your Grammar, and finally what I overall believe your story should be rated.

Here are my requests of you, should you desire a review from me:

1. I need to know where you want the review:
   • In this thread
   • In PM/DMs
   • As an actual on-site review of your story
2. Are you writing as a hobby? Are you writing for money? Are you writing for school or with the intention of developing your skills and eventually making money?
   • I say this as it will affect my review bias. Those who are writing to actually get a return out of their books will get a slightly more detailed/upfront review from me.
   • If you are doing it as a hobby and for fun, I will focus more on the enjoyment factor of the story.
   • If you intend on writing in the future to make money, I will provide some tips and editing adjustments to help you clean your book up a bit so you don't make the same mistakes in the future.
3. How many chapters would you like me to read?
   • If you are further along in your story, I may only read a portion of your book for the sake of time. I may read more if I enjoy it!
   • For those just beginning, I am more inclined to read the entire thing.
4. Understand that I will not argue or go back and forth with you. After my review, I will move on to the next. The reason for this is simple; if you are finding that you need to explain your plot point, a character, or detail in general- you haven't explained it well enough in your story. I made this mistake a lot when I first began writing where I would write something and fail to give it depth. Things that lack depth and make the reader question should be done on purpose, not by accident. If you have to explain a situation or give a "why", you might be missing something somewhere that you should look into!

*Disclosure: My reviews in this thread are opinion based and should not be taken as expert feedback. I am not an expert. I am not an editor. I'm just a hobbyist who's been writing for about 50% of his life span.

*I will be performing these reviews until further notice. However, I am also an author with my own story. That takes precedence. I do apologize if I am slow. Much like how AkalE created a list, I will do the same and will provide dates for when you should expect my review.

Thank you, and I hope you all have a wonderful day.

-- J.C.

Note: I will Like your post when it has been added to the Queue. I will only assign a date to it when I'm certain of when I will be able to properly review it. If you would like me to notify you of when I have assigned a date to your novel/series, and/or if you would like to be notified of what that date is, be sure to add that to your post. It takes like 2 seconds and I don't mind letting you know. That way you aren't waiting on me and are left randomly checking back in here for potential disappointment.

Titles to be Reviewed​	Expected Review Date​	Status
Kaiba's Prostitute	Sunday, 28 AUG 2022	Completed
An Author’s Survival Guide	Sunday, 28 AUG 2022	Completed
The Conqueror’s Sister	Thursday, 8 SEPT 2022	Completed
Empress of Esuvia	Sunday, 11 SEPT 2022	In Queue
Caninstinct	--	In Queue
We The Villains	--	In Queue
God Slayers	--	In Queue

 

[K5Rakitan]

1. I would like a one-star review on my story here, please:

Kaiba’s Prostitute

When CEO Seto Kaiba propositions Joan, she expects a one-night stand, but he and his brother keep coming back for more. Now the Kaiba brothers want an heir from her and will pay any price to get it. How do Joan’s husband and boyfriend feel about her new profession?...

www.scribblehub.com

You can always write in the review the rating you would give it if I wasn't asking for one star, as others have.

2. I am writing to make the world a more accepting place. Joan is heavily based on myself. I've changed a few details of her backstory, but the struggles and emotions are the same.

3. I'd love for you to read the whole thing, but you can simply read as far as you like. I'm personally very pleased with Chapter 17, so if you are up for going that far, that would be delightful.

4. Yes, I understand.

I've stopped writing for now because most of my creative energy is going into my son these days, but I hope to pick it up again when he starts going to school.

 

[Lire]

Neat, another place where I can get free feedback!
Please do it for this one:

An Author's Survival Guide
​

1. In-thread or DM. Doesn't really matter to me. Though it'd be cool if you did a review too... wait, is that asking too much? Nvm if you're not cool with it.

2. Skill Development with the dream of making money. Though if this blows up or something(doubt it), I'll work on a patreon.

3. At the time of writing, there's only 9 chaps with 2.5 word average, so it's pretty short. I'd like for you to read all of it, but you can just read till you get sick of it or something!

4. Cool. But is it okay if I DM you asking you to clarify about certain stuff you say? My brain is kinda whack, so I might need you to elaborate sometimes.

Take your time, kind stranger!

 

[E.M.Kaustinen]

This is my first time asking for feedback on a forum. Thought I would give it a shot since the only feedback I have been given is from people I know. I would like an unbiased opinion, so here I am.

This is my story: The Conqueror's Sister

1. I want to say an on-site review, but I have not gotten that far into my story yet. So, if you think it deserves an on-site review, go ahead. If not, then on this thread is fine.

2. Both for fun and to develop my skills with the dream of making money. I came up with the concept of this story and thought it was too good to not try writing. I did create a patreon, but I am not expecting to make money from it any time soon.

3. If you could read all the chapters, that would be great! I have published 6 so far, and the most recent chapters are the ones I am most proud of currently.

4. I understand! All feedback is necessary in order to become a better writer.

 

[Rapid_Intervention]

Well, since my story is still quite new, it would be really nice to get a review.

So here's my story: Empress of Esuvia

1. On thread is fine, but hey, on site would be much much better.

2. I make it for fun, though that could change as I really only started writing...barely even 2 months ago, I think, so it could change. But for now I only really write for fun.

3. It's still new and only has 7 chapters, one of which is a Preface while one is a side story so if you could read it all, that would be nice. But hey you do you, read the amount that you are comfortable at.

4. I'm honestly not here to argue or explain my stuff since...well what you said is true. If I still have to further explain it, it just means I screwed up (and I most likely did) and I might as well just go back and rewrite it to better tell the story, so yeah I understand.

 

[J_Chemist]

Neat, another place where I can get free feedback!
Please do it for this one:

An Author's Survival Guide
​

1. In-thread or DM. Doesn't really matter to me. Though it'd be cool if you did a review too... wait, is that asking too much? Nvm if you're not cool with it.

2. Skill Development with the dream of making money. Though if this blows up or something(doubt it), I'll work on a patreon.

3. At the time of writing, there's only 9 chaps with 2.5 word average, so it's pretty short. I'd like for you to read all of it, but you can just read till you get sick of it or something!

4. Cool. But is it okay if I DM you asking you to clarify about certain stuff you say? My brain is kinda whack, so I might need you to elaborate sometimes.

Take your time, kind stranger!

So I did a review on your story and will also make a few side notes here for it. Please head to the review section first, though!

I really enjoyed the premise of your story. The idea of the Novelist being sent into his own book was a good twist. However, the sort of "prologue chapters" told me a lot about what to expect from the story itself. Plot armor will be a real thing, from what I saw. There's a bit of ignorance in terms of how reality works and the expectation that we just nod along and go with it is there, too. It's something I see a lot in these types of stories and it's something that I tend to have issues with when it comes to written books of the genre.

I'm going to go off the assumption that you haven't done this yet, but I highly recommend setting baseline rules for your World and setting. Establish the culture, the laws, and the things your characters should be following when they get to wherever they are going. I am aware that fiction stories are just that, fiction. We write them to play out the fantasy scenarios in our heads. The issue is when they are a bit over the top. It takes away from the story itself and has people, like me, questioning whether or not you as the author have gone out and actually experienced the world. It also makes me question your research into a subject matter. Again- it is fantasy. It's a story. I am aware that not all views on the world are created equal, but Common Sense rules all.

My biggest example is the scene in the coffee shop where your character was quite the scene. She's not a popular figure. She's not a celebrity. She's not an Instagram model. The majority of dudes will look at a pretty woman but there will not be a crowd hounding her for her number. It's just not how things happen. You might get the one or two that are brave enough to go ask or talk to her, but you define Luna as the type to not like attention. She'll probably ignore them, tell them to leave, or find another way to get them to leave her alone, which most dudes will. Maybe you get that one persistent prick, but I digress.

The story was a good read and had some flaws, the above being one, but it looks to be a fun take on the typical Isekai. Good luck!

I have sent additional notes to your inbox. Please have a read. Also, if you do have questions, you are more than welcome to ask them in that conversation.

Be well,

-- J.C.

 

[Lire]

Thanks for the feedback! Particularly, the google docs notes.

 

[BenJepheneT]

1. I'll take the flogging right on-site. I'm feeling too successful lately; need a well-deserved beat down to put me back on the ground.

Caninstinct

Shiro believes he's been sent to the wrong school. Rormund Academy: home to only the best of the best. A school so exclusive even its name remains elusive to the public. An establishment where only the wealthiest, smartest, and most athletic students of the world reside. Shiro exhibits none of...

www.scribblehub.com

For warning's sake, it's got furries and melodrama. No, I'm not a furry; that would be all for the FAQ.

2. I WANT to write for money, but I'm not to that level yet, so I'm just gonna keep writing and posting and improving until I do.

If I have to be specific, this fiction isn't indicative of my best work. The initial chapters are almost 3 years old and in no way representative of my current skill set. If anything, I wish to receive some feedback on the themes/characters/tone. I don't need the technical, grammatical nitty-gritty; I can work on those for an objective growth. Subjective ideas, I can't; alone, at least.

3. As I stated above, I want an outsider's insight into the narrative elements of the fiction, so I wish for you to read as far as your interest may carry you. I'd recommend skimming through the initial 15 chapters and skipping big portions if you feel like they can drag on. Pacing isn't exactly a considered factor when I began writing those out.

4. I don't want to bother you, but if I have any additional questions, mind if I hit up your DMs? I'll keep it brief; it's only for possible clarification purposes.

 

[RainingSky]

Since I am always in for reviews and happy to hunt for them whenever someone offers so. another place to ask.

My Story: We the Villains

1. I would like feedback in thread or DM, you are free to go with whatever you prefer, if there is a review...there will be happy dances.

2. I write mainly for fun when writing in english. If I one distant day get good enough to earn something I will definitely attempt doing so....but that is a long way to go.

3. The story is 17 chapters in about 2K words by chapter. It is a bit of a slow starter and not entirely new. If you like it go read the entire thing, if it is not your cup of tea but still wish to review it I suggest going in til chap 7-8 or so because that is when the Rythm starts changing.

4. I have no intention whatsoever to discuss any given opinion. I get the feeling of not wanting a discussion. If there is anything you wish clarified for understanding just go ahead and ask.

That should be it then :) thanks again in advance.

 

[georgelee5786]

Would you read a trial version of a story on google docs? If so, would you care if I PM'ed the story to you rather than send it here?

 

[J_Chemist]

Would you read a trial version of a story on google docs? If so, would you care if I PM'ed the story to you rather than send it here?

I am happy to read over what you have so long as it is a written story. I won't review an outline or brainstormed ideas.

You are welcome to PM me the Docs Link. I'll send my review back to you in the same conversation.

 

[hdofficial1]

Hi bro.

I only do this because it's just my hobby.

Well, it's my very first story, and it only has two chapters for now. My first chapter might have been really bad, but I might have improved in the second chapter. Feel free to check it out and give your thoughts about it if you don't mind.

You can comment anywhere that you prefer, on SH or here, or maybe both if you don't mind.

I'm trying to do something like a Naruto-plot style mixed with rescuing survivors in multiversal worlds.

Here's the link:
God Slayers

 

[Storm_0907]

Hello everyone,

I've come to the conclusion that as an Author and Writer, I learn the most when I read, watch, and analyze others' works. It is how I got into writing as a hobby in the first place; my love for reading, that is. Viewing others' works allows me to see how other people may see a situation and aids me in building on my own skill and ability to formulate the English language into a work that is worth enjoying.

However, it has come to my attention that not only can I get something out of reading but I can also give back to the writer/author. Forums, Review systems, Star systems, etc. They allow us as a community to assist an author/writer with making their work even better than it was before. By providing feedback in a meaningful way, we can give them a few tools and helpful tips/hints that they might be missing while they are writing. My own story has been going on for quite a while now and after plenty of discussions with friends/cohorts, I am making a lot of revisions and fixes throughout, which has caused me to put a pause on future chapters.

However, taking that pause, taking reviews and criticism seriously, has helped me develop my story into the precious jewel that I cherish. While there are those out there who do not agree, I have found far more who do and it's a blessing. I do acknowledge one thing though- I would not be here without those few people speaking up and telling me I am wrong or for taking their time to correct my mistakes or just make me aware of them.

As someone who takes reviews and ratings seriously, I would like to extend the opportunity to you all. Seeing as SH is a place I've found myself slowly becoming more interested in, I would like to return the favor to this community as a start. As with the other few threads that are within this board (Blob's, SaliusGebel's, SakeVision's, AkalE's, TheTrinary's, and others), I will be giving feedback on a 5 Star rating system. Within that rating, I'll be following Royal Road's style to organize my thoughts and will rate each category. I'll focus on your Plot, your Characters, your Grammar, and finally what I overall believe your story should be rated.

Here are my requests of you, should you desire a review from me:

1. I need to know where you want the review:
   • In this thread
   • In PM/DMs
   • As an actual on-site review of your story
2. Are you writing as a hobby? Are you writing for money? Are you writing for school or with the intention of developing your skills and eventually making money?
   • I say this as it will affect my review bias. Those who are writing to actually get a return out of their books will get a slightly more detailed/upfront review from me.
   • If you are doing it as a hobby and for fun, I will focus more on the enjoyment factor of the story.
   • If you intend on writing in the future to make money, I will provide some tips and editing adjustments to help you clean your book up a bit so you don't make the same mistakes in the future.
3. How many chapters would you like me to read?
   • If you are further along in your story, I may only read a portion of your book for the sake of time. I may read more if I enjoy it!
   • For those just beginning, I am more inclined to read the entire thing.
4. Understand that I will not argue or go back and forth with you. After my review, I will move on to the next. The reason for this is simple; if you are finding that you need to explain your plot point, a character, or detail in general- you haven't explained it well enough in your story. I made this mistake a lot when I first began writing where I would write something and fail to give it depth. Things that lack depth and make the reader question should be done on purpose, not by accident. If you have to explain a situation or give a "why", you might be missing something somewhere that you should look into!

*Disclosure: My reviews in this thread are opinion based and should not be taken as expert feedback. I am not an expert. I am not an editor. I'm just a hobbyist who's been writing for about 50% of his life span.

*I will be performing these reviews until further notice. However, I am also an author with my own story. That takes precedence. I do apologize if I am slow. Much like how AkalE created a list, I will do the same and will provide dates for when you should expect my review.

Thank you, and I hope you all have a wonderful day.

-- J.C.

Titles to be Reviewed​	Expected Review Date​	Status
Kaiba's Prostitute	Sunday, 28 AUG 2022	Completed
An Author’s Survival Guide	Sunday, 28 AUG 2022	Completed
The Conqueror’s Sister	--	In Queue
Empress of Esuvia	--	In Queue
Caninstinct	--	In Queue

HEY, if you would not mind i would like to hear your thoughts on my novel. It only has two chapters currently. the link is below

TWILIGHT MEMORIES - OLD MEMORIES PART 1 | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[J_Chemist]

HEY, if you would not mind i would like to hear your thoughts on my novel. It only has two chapters currently. the link is below

TWILIGHT MEMORIES - OLD MEMORIES PART 1 | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Read post.
Try again.

 

[J_Chemist]

This is my first time asking for feedback on a forum. Thought I would give it a shot since the only feedback I have been given is from people I know. I would like an unbiased opinion, so here I am.

This is my story: The Conqueror's Sister

1. I want to say an on-site review, but I have not gotten that far into my story yet. So, if you think it deserves an on-site review, go ahead. If not, then on this thread is fine.

2. Both for fun and to develop my skills with the dream of making money. I came up with the concept of this story and thought it was too good to not try writing. I did create a patreon, but I am not expecting to make money from it any time soon.

3. If you could read all the chapters, that would be great! I have published 6 so far, and the most recent chapters are the ones I am most proud of currently.

4. I understand! All feedback is necessary in order to become a better writer.

So I want to mention that I am not a professional writer. My reviews are based on my experience as a writer and as a reader who enjoys a range of novels, many of which follow the same genre you are writing in. I'm going to start off with the good because the bad is going to hurt. I was able to read up to Chapter 2 before I quit. I simply cannot get myself to read further which I think is a shame.

You have a wonderful setup. You've established a range of characters in a small setting that gives you enough playroom to have a plethora of interactions and character development between the two kids with a supportive adult cast. The parents, at least the Dad, are shown to be at least competent mages. The two elders are also supposed mages that are similarly advanced. This gives plenty of reason to believe that these kids are going to be set up for success when it comes to magic competency.

Then you throw a wrench in; the daughter can't actually use magic. This is great. This gives diversity and disparity and it presents a challenge children face in their young years; difference. The daughter has to deal with the fact that her younger brother is better than her at magic at half her age and she can't even use magic at all, even though she wants to use it desperately to be like her father. She's even having trouble with it at school. It's perfect. And I'm here for it. Welcome to the suck of life, kid, figure it out.

You also seem to have an established system of magic growth or some idea of academy-style education systems. With the appearance of the cousin, who's trying to go to some school somewhere, I can infer you have these details ready.

However, that's it. That's all I have for good. After two chapters, I have two things for good; a decent character setup, and some inference to some kind of magic system. Nothing else.


First, I'm going to attack the problem I cringed over the most in chapter one: the baby talk. Please god, fix this. I understand what you're trying to do. You want to show that kids can't speak wholly when they're developing. But, they will speak anyways. Kids are actually good talkers once they get the hang of sounds and words. They will sound out the word properly and you will be able to understand them. Especially when they're nearing the age of six. While they may not be full sentences or may stutter/stumble, the baby talk is gone by this point. Reading the dialogue felt like I was bashing my face in with a brick.

Next, the details. By the end of chapter two, I have hardly any idea where the family lives. There are hardly any details about the inside of the house. I have no idea how any of the characters look. I don't even know the mom's name because it's said so little or I just never noticed it. You don't describe things and it leaves me lost. When I don't have details, I imagine the characters floating in a white space, an empty canvas. Build the world around the characters so I can see, feel, smell, and hear where they are. When the family leaves the house for the grandparents, that's when you finally describe the neighborhood. By that point, I had already given up on the details and I'd just accepted that you probably weren't ever going to tell me.

On to the next- grammar. Lotsa commas. Lotsa odd verbiage. Lotsa chopping breaks, run-on sentences, and irregularities that could be solved with an easy/simple run through the good ol' Grammarly. Or maybe some additional reading/writing experience to clean things up. I didn't find any spelling errors or anything so that was fine. It was just a lot of oddities in the way you said things that made little sense. I don't point these out in my reviews. It is up to you to find and fix them, as doing so helps you grow as a writer. Plus, there's a lot. And I'd be red penning the majority of your chapters with minor errors. I'm not being paid enough to do that.

The plot of the story thus far can be inferred by both the name of the story and some details, and I like it. The sister is about to get sidelined and the young boy is going to turn into a behemoth. It's great to see the perspective of it from someone so close. It's exciting and I can only imagine what you have planned. However, the errors above, the errors I have listed in the Google Doc, and the lack of actual attraction to the story have pushed me off.

Overall, I'd give the story a 2/5. It has a very good foundation and juicy guts that I am here for, but that's all it's got. Grammar, plot, attractiveness, descriptions, etc. It's all lacking the other pieces that would really make this gem shine. Continue to develop your skills as a writer and continue to refine your story/writing. Best of luck with it.

I'll be sending you a link to the Google Docs with additional and more specific details momentarily.

 

[E.M.Kaustinen]

So I want to mention that I am not a professional writer. My reviews are based on my experience as a writer and as a reader who enjoys a range of novels, many of which follow the same genre you are writing in. I'm going to start off with the good because the bad is going to hurt. I was able to read up to Chapter 2 before I quit. I simply cannot get myself to read further which I think is a shame.

You have a wonderful setup. You've established a range of characters in a small setting that gives you enough playroom to have a plethora of interactions and character development between the two kids with a supportive adult cast. The parents, at least the Dad, are shown to be at least competent mages. The two elders are also supposed mages that are similarly advanced. This gives plenty of reason to believe that these kids are going to be set up for success when it comes to magic competency.

Then you throw a wrench in; the daughter can't actually use magic. This is great. This gives diversity and disparity and it presents a challenge children face in their young years; difference. The daughter has to deal with the fact that her younger brother is better than her at magic at half her age and she can't even use magic at all, even though she wants to use it desperately to be like her father. She's even having trouble with it at school. It's perfect. And I'm here for it. Welcome to the suck of life, kid, figure it out.

You also seem to have an established system of magic growth or some idea of academy-style education systems. With the appearance of the cousin, who's trying to go to some school somewhere, I can infer you have these details ready.

However, that's it. That's all I have for good. After two chapters, I have two things for good; a decent character setup, and some inference to some kind of magic system. Nothing else.


First, I'm going to attack the problem I cringed over the most in chapter one: the baby talk. Please god, fix this. I understand what you're trying to do. You want to show that kids can't speak wholly when they're developing. But, they will speak anyways. Kids are actually good talkers once they get the hang of sounds and words. They will sound out the word properly and you will be able to understand them. Especially when they're nearing the age of six. While they may not be full sentences or may stutter/stumble, the baby talk is gone by this point. Reading the dialogue felt like I was bashing my face in with a brick.

Next, the details. By the end of chapter two, I have hardly any idea where the family lives. There are hardly any details about the inside of the house. I have no idea how any of the characters look. I don't even know the mom's name because it's said so little or I just never noticed it. You don't describe things and it leaves me lost. When I don't have details, I imagine the characters floating in a white space, an empty canvas. Build the world around the characters so I can see, feel, smell, and hear where they are. When the family leaves the house for the grandparents, that's when you finally describe the neighborhood. By that point, I had already given up on the details and I'd just accepted that you probably weren't ever going to tell me.

On to the next- grammar. Lotsa commas. Lotsa odd verbiage. Lotsa chopping breaks, run-on sentences, and irregularities that could be solved with an easy/simple run through the good ol' Grammarly. Or maybe some additional reading/writing experience to clean things up. I didn't find any spelling errors or anything so that was fine. It was just a lot of oddities in the way you said things that made little sense. I don't point these out in my reviews. It is up to you to find and fix them, as doing so helps you grow as a writer. Plus, there's a lot. And I'd be red penning the majority of your chapters with minor errors. I'm not being paid enough to do that.

The plot of the story thus far can be inferred by both the name of the story and some details, and I like it. The sister is about to get sidelined and the young boy is going to turn into a behemoth. It's great to see the perspective of it from someone so close. It's exciting and I can only imagine what you have planned. However, the errors above, the errors I have listed in the Google Doc, and the lack of actual attraction to the story have pushed me off.

Overall, I'd give the story a 2/5. It has a very good foundation and juicy guts that I am here for, but that's all it's got. Grammar, plot, attractiveness, descriptions, etc. It's all lacking the other pieces that would really make this gem shine. Continue to develop your skills as a writer and continue to refine your story/writing. Best of luck with it.

I'll be sending you a link to the Google Docs with additional and more specific details momentarily.

Thanks for your feedback and the google docs! I have gone to a lot of forums asking for feedback and now I have a good idea of my pitfalls as a writer. You definitely gave me a lot of new feedback that is very helpful. As of chapter 9, I have decided to take a hiatus so I can revise the first few chapters and also get more chapters ahead. Honestly, I am glad you liked the direction of my story and I am definitely going to work on improving my writing. I think I have a good story to tell and I want to make it more enjoyable for the reader. The baby talk has definitely been a big negative for the people who have given feedback to my story. I did it to try to add a bit of uniqueness to the story, but I have realized now it takes away from the story. Technically, I am writing this story as a rough draft so I wrote lazily and hoped people would not notice, but they noticed. So now, I am going to take the time to write with more vigor and attention to detail. Once I improve it and feel like it is more presentable, I hope that you will give it another read and see the improvements! Thanks!