Feedback + suggestions (Closed)

morhamza

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I had an opening joke for you as well, but I forgot before I wrote it down, so you'll have to do without.

Improvement advice is not my strong suit, but I'll see what I can do.

Synopsis/Tags vs. Content

A good few of the tags aren't implemented yet, but with the immortal theme, I'll take them as teasers for future content.
The synopsis spoils a lot, though, so perhaps consider revamping it to match the foreshadowing of the early chapters instead of dumping the entire thing?

World

Interesting dark-ish fantasy. Focusing on elements that usually take a smaller role, like the vessel casting, give the story a refreshing feel.

This might be due to the added factor of magic that messes with progression, but I find the contrast between mud house vs artificially cooled library a bit too wide to not bring it up. I understand that quality housing is expensive, but that usually just means that the buildings are shared between more people, while you gave each warrior their own. Not to mention that there's a tavern

Characters

Silas, though not being given any extreme or unusual believes, doesn't feel bland. Similar to the setting, he is "simple well done"... most of the time. At least in my impression, he has a tendency to go through changes in emotion without much apparent reason. He embarks on a revenge hunt for his fallen mother, yet he seemingly doesn't care as soon as he returns.
The foreshadowing makes one want to know more about his past/future, but the until now all too positive power is a bit boring to me.

Aurel is similar in that regard. And otherwise he doesn't appear to have a lot going for him as of now. This character archetype is useful for comedic relief, but I don't think that does you much good as long as the "serious" part of the story is watered down already. In the beginning the MC commented how Aurel hated Lycans even more than him, which was an interesting buildup for their dynamic in my view, but after they return to the village, he devolves to being the goofy friend character.

Minerva and the bickering sibling relationship they have is fun to read, but again, she contributes to diluting the passive threat of living in a world with superhuman predators.

Plot​

After some exposition dump, you get right into action. The fights themselves are well done imo, if you did not rely on the Lycan's inexplicable arrogance so much. The one they fight goes between grinning smugly and howling in pain a few times too often to sound believable.
I'm guessing you want to stress the fact that the two are still extremely weak and only hold their own through the opponent's negligence, but I'd say you can do without those extra remarks, as the flow of the battle shows the power difference clearly enough already imo.

The banter and dueling after that are fun to read by themselves, but don't fit into the harsh reality described before.

Writing and Grammar​

With the canon narrator (An older Silas), it makes sense for him to know more in hindsight, even be biased in his evaluations. But unless he became all knowing in the time gap between the events on the story and the point where he narrated from, there are certain things he should not be able to know, such as the thoughts and inner workings of other characters. He can guess them of course, but you often have him state them with absolute certainty.
Also, since he's the one narrating, saying anything positive about the young version is him tooting his own horn, which I'm not entirely sure is an intended characterization.

It's not a huge problem, but look out for paragraphs like this one, that have sentences with nearly identical meaning.


You have described your own writing style as "dry wood", which I don't find to be necessarily bad myself, but emotion comes across as random and awkward most of the time.

Suggestions​

The above already goes over most of what I consider to be in need of redo. (You said you considered rewriting)
A double edge for his power might be good.
Regarding the dry writing, perhaps swap some of the impersonal background info for biased/emotional reactions. I would rather go with description than internal outcries, though.
Try to even out the way you implement emotion. Add a lot of small expressions here and there and ask yourself whether those you already have are justified in their intensity (I find a few to be somewhat excessive)

That's the best advice I can give on the spot.


Just for the record: If either of you want me to do your books, please say so, otherwise I'll assume your questions to be in public interest.
Thank you! Indeed I plan to rewrite, as this is my first serialized story. A lot of the issues you pointed out are some really interesting, fixing them should be fun. About the synopsis, I'm just terrible at it lol. That was the premise of the story when I started, and I selected tags to fit the vague outline I had in my head when I started writing.

Being a discover writer and the story being something I write mostly on weekends, the premise I started with and the story right now are different. Although, there is one problem you pointed out that happened by mistake, however, it fits with where the story ends.

Thank you so much for this. Couldn't have been easy reading through that and giving constructive criticism for free. Thank you!
 

SailusGebel

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Just for the record: If either of you want me to do your books, please say so, otherwise I'll assume your questions to be in public interest.
I asked on behalf of others. I don't want your help, thank you. Add that this is free either in the title or your first message, as not everyone looks through the threads thoroughly.
 

Zirrboy

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My links are in my signature! Please give me one-star ratings 😇

Right From the get-go, thIs noVel is absolutE and utter unreadable waSte. The excuse for personAlity given to the female lead and plain love interest characteRs churn my litterary Stomach.
 

FeverDream

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Hello! I'm a new writer and have been curious to know if I'm doing good so far, so I would very much appreciate some feedback!

Here's the story: H.I.V.E
 

K5Rakitan

Level 34 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
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Right From the get-go, thIs noVel is absolutE and utter unreadable waSte. The excuse for personAlity given to the female lead and plain love interest characteRs churn my litterary Stomach.
Noooooo! Take it back! ONE STAR please 😭

Right frOm the get-go, this Novel is absolutE and utter unreadable waSte. The excuse for personAlity given to the female lead and plain love interest characteRs churn my litterary stomach.
 

Zirrboy

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Noooooo! Take it back! ONE STAR please 😭

Right frOm the get-go, this Novel is absolutE and utter unreadable waSte. The excuse for personAlity given to the female lead and plain love interest characteRs churn my litterary stomach.
NEVAR!!!1!1!!!!!!!1!
 

K5Rakitan

Level 34 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
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Unfortunately for you, I'm an emotionally stunted loner whose only means of social interaction is bullying.
Name your price! What do I have to do to get one star from you?
 

wildan1197_

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Just that. Post if you're interested. I'm bored and unwilling to do anything else.

General​

  • At the unreasonably high rate of "do-I-want-to"/word (ie for free)
  • My feedback is aimed towards pointing out flaws. I'll try to keep advice, criticism and praise (strengths that you can focus on) balanced, but that not being the case does not necessarily reflect my opinion of overall quality
  • No guarantee regarding quality or speed

Restrictions​

  • No word limit as of yet
  • No content restrictions either, but I might ignore your work at my own discretion (I'm fine with most everything and asking is always free)
  • No monetized works. I can't check for yet unpublished works ofc, so I'll trust in your fairness

Optional Request Stuff​

  • Mention whether you want a DM response
  • If you tell me you main concerns, I can get them done faster and more in depth
  • Put additional info into spoiler tags so I can give unbiased reading feedback and adjust suggestions in the final stage
  • Feel free to ask again if you have further questions
  • I offer up to five chapters worth of line edits (may differ depending on length). Reviews take priority, though, and you are welcome to inform me about your lack of interest regarding this service beforehand

Schedule​

Reviews (3/7)
Alright. While there are still not many queues. Here's my work. Thanks in advance!
 

Not_A_Symphony

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Mar 15, 2021
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Just that. Post if you're interested. I'm bored and unwilling to do anything else.

I would love to have some input as well, if you still have openings!
The story is on my signature. :blob_melt:

Small notes:
If you have time/can then I would advise you to read the volume one fully (which is 30 chapters, each one with 2,5k words and 4k).
If your time is tighter then read it until chapter 19 [second climax of the 1st Volume].
If you feel like the story isn't your cup of tea then just read it to chapter 12 [1st climax of the 1st Volume].
*Do make sure to skip the [Bonus Chapters] as they are not related to the main plot.

Also the story as a somewhat slow pace when it comes to Romance and to figuring out the reason for certain things (like her curse, and so on). Just so you know! ~
Any constructive criticism is highly appreciated!! :blobtaco::blobtaco::blobtaco:
 

Zirrboy

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Huh, cool, would be nice if you can go over the story in my signature. Would appreciate if you DMed/commented the light edits.
I'll assume you're here mainly for the editing, as such I'll keep the review a bit shorter.

Synopsis/Tags vs. Content

The Mc's past takes a bit more room than it does in the story, from what I can tell, but that's nothing too major.
Also, from what I understood, his soul weapon was supposed to be the cooking utensil, the canvas being a ruse, yet you have exactly that in your cover.
But other than that, this seems to be fitting.

World

For a spontaneous start, this aspect is done quite well. Soul weapons give means of personal growth/expansion of existing characters. So long as the MC isn't the only one with a "misfit", this aspect can add engaging twists to many characters.
The dark elves idea also was an interesting one, so is "drugs for enlightenment".

This next part might simply be due to lack of understanding on the subject, but "mana exists only in solid form" and "places with abundant mana boost magic" feel contradictory to me. And even if it wasn't theoretically, I would expect that people would first have to learn how to make use of this environment before profiting from it.

Also, perhaps I missed something, or you just cut that part for convenience, but the 'catalyst' explained in the first chapter rarely makes an actual appearance.

Characters

Louis, as you yourself have said, seems relatively free of his past life's influence. Ten years of dense new experiences being more memorable than his last thousand of essentially the same makes sense, yet as far as character is concerned, he reads the exact same as transmigrators from modern earth in other "adult in child's body" novels I've read. There is comparison in nomenclature and strength, but rarely in values.
His first few remarks in the library are a good start, but values like filiality, often stressed in cultivation worlds, quickly seem to fade.
If he has no drive to conquer any more, why does he spend more time working on his drug busyness than most other things?

Carlos' sole reason for existence seems to be serving as a lesser version of the MC.

His Family is a well done base, the revelation of more reincarnators being present adds a nice twist.

Plot​

You start off with a relatively clichee'd "child reincarnator" setting, which I think is part of the meta comedy, but I'm not sure.
If it is, I'm lacking reaction to the existence of tropes beyond simple nods at their existence. This might be personal preference in humor, though. For making fun of tropes, I find that blowing them out of proportion works best, in this case making him even more OP.

If not, consider cutting the explanations for characters' actions and/or make the MC praise more subtle. Typing out that the difference in address between Louis and Carlos reflects the difference in respect the butler holds for the two for example was immersion breaking more than anything else.

From synopsis and what I've read, other characters seem to be a big part, each having their own issues and plots. But the lack of care coming from the MC, while keeping him from meddling, also prevented me from really getting involved. Especially in a 60 chapter novel, this could end up costing you precious time. The info dumps regarding magic and the MC's daily life seem to be the bigger focus at this point.

Writing and Grammar​

Even outside of the praise issue mentioned above, you sometimes repeat the meaning of dialogue unnecessarily. From my perspective, your dialogue is expressive enough, letting the reader reach the obvious conclusion themselves still feels more organic than forcing it.

You tend to introduce multiple characters in batch, giving them little reading time on their first appearance, which, for me at least, is detrimental to learning their names/make described aspects memorable.
 

BlindSerpent

New member
Joined
Aug 20, 2021
Messages
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3
Hi!

I would love to get a review of my story (in the signature). Latest published chapter completes the link to the prologue - that would be a good place to reach, but depends on whether it's your cup of tea or not.

thanks :D
 

Anon_Y_Mousse

Semicolon Enjoyer
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Feb 24, 2020
Messages
698
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Thanks a lot! I'll check your edit a bit later since I woke up late and don't have much time rn
I'll assume you're here mainly for the editing, as such I'll keep the review a bit shorter.

Synopsis/Tags vs. Content

The Mc's past takes a bit more room than it does in the story, from what I can tell, but that's nothing too major.
Also, from what I understood, his soul weapon was supposed to be the cooking utensil, the canvas being a ruse, yet you have exactly that in your cover.
But other than that, this seems to be fitting.
That was a symbolism on how Xianxia people tend to be devious and manipulating, totally not because I was just trolling.

World

For a spontaneous start, this aspect is done quite well. Soul weapons give means of personal growth/expansion of existing characters. So long as the MC isn't the only one with a "misfit", this aspect can add engaging twists to many characters.
The dark elves idea also was an interesting one, so is "drugs for enlightenment".

This next part might simply be due to lack of understanding on the subject, but "mana exists only in solid form" and "places with abundant mana boost magic" feel contradictory to me. And even if it wasn't theoretically, I would expect that people would first have to learn how to make use of this environment before profiting from it.

Also, perhaps I missed something, or you just cut that part for convenience, but the 'catalyst' explained in the first chapter rarely makes an actual appearance.
The drugs for enlightenment was just a nod to Xianxia novels. In Acetia, the particles in the air is just the 'aroma' of mana crystals, they're still using the crystals under the earth, everyone knows this, I guess I didn't explain that well enough. The catalyst is only needed in certain spells, like how some spells require additional items, the mana crystal is also technically a catalyst.

Characters

Louis, as you yourself have said, seems relatively free of his past life's influence. Ten years of dense new experiences being more memorable than his last thousand of essentially the same makes sense, yet as far as character is concerned, he reads the exact same as transmigrators from modern earth in other "adult in child's body" novels I've read. There is comparison in nomenclature and strength, but rarely in values.
His first few remarks in the library are a good start, but values like filiality, often stressed in cultivation worlds, quickly seem to fade.
If he has no drive to conquer any more, why does he spend more time working on his drug busyness than most other things?

Carlos' sole reason for existence seems to be serving as a lesser version of the MC.

His Family is a well done base, the revelation of more reincarnators being present adds a nice twist.

Louis was supposed to have more moments where he acts like someone from Xianxia, like in that royal road story with the jade beauty, but then, I realized,unlike her he wasn't naive at all. 'When in rome, act like the romans'. He understands that he can't push his values too hard on others. He acts more like those around him to appear less odd and more approachable, he was a politician in his first life after all. His old personality leaks out a lot in his meetings with Rufus and Leonor. The drug business is a bare minimum of power for him, to him the business equates to a hobby, it's not like he's trying to take over a country.

Carlos, he's not important yet, that will be explained later, already a little forshadowed with the otame game. Might also attribute to the fact he looks up to his brother so much.
I can't say much on his family because they play a bigger part in a later arc.
I'll assume you're here mainly for the editing, as such I'll keep the review a bit shorter.

Synopsis/Tags vs. Content

The Mc's past takes a bit more room than it does in the story, from what I can tell, but that's nothing too major.
Also, from what I understood, his soul weapon was supposed to be the cooking utensil, the canvas being a ruse, yet you have exactly that in your cover.
But other than that, this seems to be fitting.

World

For a spontaneous start, this aspect is done quite well. Soul weapons give means of personal growth/expansion of existing characters. So long as the MC isn't the only one with a "misfit", this aspect can add engaging twists to many characters.
The dark elves idea also was an interesting one, so is "drugs for enlightenment".

This next part might simply be due to lack of understanding on the subject, but "mana exists only in solid form" and "places with abundant mana boost magic" feel contradictory to me. And even if it wasn't theoretically, I would expect that people would first have to learn how to make use of this environment before profiting from it.

Also, perhaps I missed something, or you just cut that part for convenience, but the 'catalyst' explained in the first chapter rarely makes an actual appearance.

Characters

Louis, as you yourself have said, seems relatively free of his past life's influence. Ten years of dense new experiences being more memorable than his last thousand of essentially the same makes sense, yet as far as character is concerned, he reads the exact same as transmigrators from modern earth in other "adult in child's body" novels I've read. There is comparison in nomenclature and strength, but rarely in values.
His first few remarks in the library are a good start, but values like filiality, often stressed in cultivation worlds, quickly seem to fade.
If he has no drive to conquer any more, why does he spend more time working on his drug busyness than most other things?

Carlos' sole reason for existence seems to be serving as a lesser version of the MC.

His Family is a well done base, the revelation of more reincarnators being present adds a nice twist.

Plot​

You start off with a relatively clichee'd "child reincarnator" setting, which I think is part of the meta comedy, but I'm not sure.
If it is, I'm lacking reaction to the existence of tropes beyond simple nods at their existence. This might be personal preference in humor, though. For making fun of tropes, I find that blowing them out of proportion works best, in this case making him even more OP.

If not, consider cutting the explanations for characters' actions and/or make the MC praise more subtle. Typing out that the difference in address between Louis and Carlos reflects the difference in respect the butler holds for the two for example was immersion breaking more than anything else.

From synopsis and what I've read, other characters seem to be a big part, each having their own issues and plots. But the lack of care coming from the MC, while keeping him from meddling, also prevented me from really getting involved. Especially in a 60 chapter novel, this could end up costing you precious time. The info dumps regarding magic and the MC's daily life seem to be the bigger focus at this point.
Each reincarnator has their own cliche, yes. I don't blow things out of proportion since the story focus isn't on comedy. The arc only has slight nods here and there, because it isn't focused on the reincarnators yet. There will probably be more meta comedy jokes after the S.S.R.S get to know each other better.

I will keep your advice on cutting explanations in mind, I've been noticing that too.

I will probably go beyond 60 chapters at this point, I haven't found a moment for when the other characters open up about their past to the MC, aside from Cale he hasn't even had a good chat with any of them. There will be a lot more interaction once the elder dragon finally attacks.

nt.

Writing and Grammar​

Even outside of the praise issue mentioned above, you sometimes repeat the meaning of dialogue unnecessarily. From my perspective, your dialogue is expressive enough, letting the reader reach the obvious conclusion themselves still feels more organic than forcing it.

You tend to introduce multiple characters in batch, giving them little reading time on their first appearance, which, for me at least, is detrimental to learning their names/make described aspects memorable.
Wow, that is a big problem, I was worried that readers wouldn't get the meaning of certain dialogue, but I guess the explanation just ruins the immersion.
As for your second paragraph, I did introduce Louis' family in a batch, and to an extent the S.S.R.S, but they will all have their own chapters dedicated to them. I've been improving on that now that less characters need to be introduced in succession, Willow has a full chapter to himself, and so does Leonor. I will consider describing them again once they get a dedicated chapter.


Again, thank you so much for the short review! This has been some really good feedback for my story, short but it points out a lot of flaws.
 

Zirrboy

Fueled by anger
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Messages
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Thanks a lot! I'll check your edit a bit later since I woke up late and don't have much time rn

That was a symbolism on how Xianxia people tend to be devious and manipulating, totally not because I was just trolling.

The drugs for enlightenment was just a nod to Xianxia novels. In Acetia, the particles in the air is just the 'aroma' of mana crystals, they're still using the crystals under the earth, everyone knows this, I guess I didn't explain that well enough. The catalyst is only needed in certain spells, like how some spells require additional items, the mana crystal is also technically a catalyst.

Louis was supposed to have more moments where he acts like someone from Xianxia, like in that royal road story with the jade beauty, but then, I realized,unlike her he wasn't naive at all. 'When in rome, act like the romans'. He understands that he can't push his values too hard on others. He acts more like those around him to appear less odd and more approachable, he was a politician in his first life after all. His old personality leaks out a lot in his meetings with Rufus and Leonor. The drug business is a bare minimum of power for him, to him the business equates to a hobby, it's not like he's trying to take over a country.

Carlos, he's not important yet, that will be explained later, already a little forshadowed with the otame game. Might also attribute to the fact he looks up to his brother so much.
I can't say much on his family because they play a bigger part in a later arc.

Each reincarnator has their own cliche, yes. I don't blow things out of proportion since the story focus isn't on comedy. The arc only has slight nods here and there, because it isn't focused on the reincarnators yet. There will probably be more meta comedy jokes after the S.S.R.S get to know each other better.

I will keep your advice on cutting explanations in mind, I've been noticing that too.

I will probably go beyond 60 chapters at this point, I haven't found a moment for when the other characters open up about their past to the MC, aside from Cale he hasn't even had a good chat with any of them. There will be a lot more interaction once the elder dragon finally attacks.


Wow, that is a big problem, I was worried that readers wouldn't get the meaning of certain dialogue, but I guess the explanation just ruins the immersion.
As for your second paragraph, I did introduce Louis' family in a batch, and to an extent the S.S.R.S, but they will all have their own chapters dedicated to them. I've been improving on that now that less characters need to be introduced in succession, Willow has a full chapter to himself, and so does Leonor. I will consider describing them again once they get a dedicated chapter.


Again, thank you so much for the short review! This has been some really good feedback for my story, short but it points out a lot of flaws.
Feedback on my feedback, yay! Now if I wasn't neck deep in new reviews, I'd have the time to appreciate more of this.

"Cut" might have been the wrong term, what I meant was something along the lines of "omitted", ie "After coating their boots in dog shit and casting [Swiftness] on it, they strolled down the street[...]"
 

Anon_Y_Mousse

Semicolon Enjoyer
Joined
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Messages
698
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133
Feedback on my feedback, yay! Now if I wasn't neck deep in new reviews, I'd have the time to appreciate more of this.

"Cut" might have been the wrong term, what I meant was something along the lines of "omitted", ie "After coating their boots in dog shit and casting [Swiftness] on it, they strolled down the street[...]"
Haha, well I hope I didn't take too much of your time, tbh I actually forgot I even posted here, so I didn't add any specifics, could have told you to only read a few important chapters.

Ah, as for spells I don't add much details if it's something they do casually, if it adds to the chapter though I explain how the spell is cast. Great Leyline is a big cheat code for magic just saying, makes it way easier.
 
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