Heya, first time posting on here and would love some feedback! you can just reply to me here. Thanks!
Join Zahna, a new magic knight, on her quest to become stronger than the wizard king! After a hard day of training and celebrating with her adoptive family, the Black Bulls, she is suddenly pulled into another world. She finds herself alone and confused as she must brave the challenges...
www.scribblehub.com
Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished all the available chapters. Current last chapter is
Ohana
First of all, you should properly tag your novel as fanfiction, and it's against the law to monetize fanfiction. Yes, I'm talking about Patreon and other similar services.
Before I start with the feedback, here is some friendly advice. If you will continue to write and post on SH, use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel. Another advice. If your chapters are on a shorter side, you should release them more often. I know it might be hard for you to write a lot, so I'm not saying you HAVE to do it. I simply share my knowledge. As a general rule of thumb, readers tend to ignore stories with short chapters if an author doesn't release at least three chapters a week. Short chapters are chapters that have less than 1900-2000 words.
Now, let me talk about your synopsis. It's bad. It lacks details and a hook. Sure, some people might like it. However, you are uploading your novel to a site that hosts web novels, so people expect something else. It shouldn't be long, but the current one is way too short and doesn't tell anything. So, a reader(in this case it's me) doesn't know what to expect.
And with all of that out of the way, I can finally start my feedback. And it will be pretty short since there is a major mistake.
Paragraphing. You don't split actions and dialogue lines of different people, different POVs into different paragraphs. I won't copy all of this paragraph, but I think you can understand what I mean if I show a small piece.
“How did you even come up with a spell like that?” The older of the two asked with a puzzled look. He had brown hair, with green highlights on the tips. “Why? Are you jealous of my creativity?” The younger of the two
This is a huge mistake that makes it hard to read, but most importantly, hard to understand what you wrote. All of the first chapter is like this. It's not okay.
Another major downside, (though I can't say it's a mistake) is the lack of variety in how you write. She said, he said, she acted, he acted, he walked, she walked, and so on. Apart from using names, there are multiple ways to address someone and add to the story. The way things are right now looks like a battle log from an RPG game. Dry, no details.
The fact that this chapter consists mostly of dialogue isn't a downside per se, but if you combine it with the previous factors it becomes unbearable to read.
And that's the end of my feedback. It's hard for me to focus on anything else in your novel since most of my attention and mental capacity was spent on trying to split the paragraphs in my head to try and understand who is who. And there is obviously no way I can judge characters or plot since there are only 1300 words of the story, and it is fanfiction.
Anyway, that's it. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.
), the ass ripper, the one who bashes newbies, the man, the myth, the legend. Based silusgimbel
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