Free First Chapter Feedback (V2)

[shadowniy]

no problem i do appreciate the chance and like i said i understand

 

[ATTICLover]

Symphonia: Rebel Against the World of Machines and the Sleepless Cities of Rhythms! | Royal Road

"The night city is always glimmering with life isn't it? Millions of lights, all of them feels alive at night and they pulse their heart for one reason. It's Music!" -Martin Forth, The Soundtrack of Defiance (3rd Live Concert ver.) The Musical Revolution had began after the rumor of an ancient...

www.royalroad.com

I would like to know how I fair as well.

What I'm writing is the prologue of the story so the other half of my synopsis will happen after the build up.

In the first chapter you'll see immediately that it was written like a content creator video documentary.

I experimented trying to introduce my world and the vibes by putting the reader in a perspective of a social media user and also the term "newborn" (something similar to clones but not really) for readers to see the oppression of the common folk in the eyes of the most relatable yet also the chaotic neutral people, the terminally online addicts.

I put quotations of inside world references that exist in that world's media to increase that immersive feel.

For me, I have mixed feelings to what I've written. I think it is unique and can be used but I don't know if I became overly descriptive immediately at the first chapter.

 

[Hmyu]

Ineffecient prose to the point I thought it might be a running gag.

RATING: Would not Keep Reading

I didn't get that far but I still feel I can comment on the length. It's too long because of how wildly ineffeicient the prose is.

LINE EDITS

In Under? "In" just invokes inside to me and I can't for the life of me see the phrasing work. a huge archway made of dark marble, two humans stood before a giant wooden arched redundant door with beautiful carvings of winged creatures both beautiful and especially creatures seem extremely vague here. What creatures? The creatures themselves are beuatiful? The carving technique? and a circle formed with half of the moon and half of the sun. Which are both cricles. Is it just two identical semi circles?

The two humans They made a sardonic scene. DO NOT tell your audience how they should feel about a scene. Why is it sardonic? What could you even write here to justify that word? They were centered Weak. And redundant. you've established that they are before the doro around a spacious archway presented with a huge door, This is a complete rewrite of the first paragraph. I don't understand why this sentence is here unless its froma draft you didn't edit down giving an overwhelming atmosphere. Same deal. Don't tell you're audience how to feel. Why is it overwhelming? Describe things that would make your audience feel overwhelmed. Don't just say, "Hey reader, you're overwhelmed now." You could, and should, cut this entire paragraph. Not only would you lose nothing, it would make your work stronger.


The door slowly opened outward in the middle. Very confusing verbage. If it opens in the middle then it's not a door but two doors. This leads to me to ask fundamental questions like: why did we think this was a door? Likewise, if it is a surprise that it's opening in the middle you could build that up more: "A crack snaked down the center. The two slabs of conrete each began to move outwards." That's really basic but at least it's something. A huge gust of wind blew at why at? Isn't it blowing through the gap? the tiny open gap. Also weak. You aren't describing an expanding crack here. Not to mention, by taking so long to describe things, it doesn't feel like the door is opening anymore. The wooden door scraped the marble floor, making a painful sound. describe it ya bastard.

The two humans fought against the wind, with the half-open door assaulting their ears. You are splitting your modifiers. The door isn't hurting their ears, I guess it's the wind They pushed through the gap gap would be appropriate here if you had never used it before. As is, all we know is that it is tiny which doesn't make much sense., entering a huge chamber. This is a little tip that will take everyone up a full tier in their writing: Don't tip your hand. Just immeadiately describe how big it is without starting us off with a summary of the description we're about to read. The size of the room submerged ?? Maybe you meant subsumed? sound, words were pulled down by the weighted pressure presented by the chamber. I acutally really like this last clause; it's perfect, assuming we get rid of that tail end. We understand we are in a chamber. And presented is such non-verb. It doesn't add.

OVERALL

Really focus on your sentence construction and the clarity of your language.

Actually forgot I even asked here lol, but thanks for the advice, I have changed those days ago but FINALLY! as in FINALLY! I get what the fuck is the problem with my prose is, people just always say my prose sucks without really giving even a single example, thank you, oh and if you can tell me if there is any way you do your analisizing, do you just read it over and over trying to look for the tiniest problem or can you just tell immediately?

 

[LesserCodex]

Hear ye, hear ye. The old thread is dead, long live this thread. (It can be found here)

After two years+, I am unable to edit the very first post and update my "Best of List" shoutout, so I have created a new thread.

The Rules are the same. Submit a link to your first chapter (or prologue) and I will give you a critique as well as a rating. There are no requirements and I will read anything. If I miss your story, it was by accident- just send me a message.

THE V2 BEST OF LIST

1. Caninstinct https://www.scribblehub.com/series/62445/caninstinct/
2. Ange'ls Dirge https://www.scribblehub.com/series/229892/angels-dirge/
3. Queensmen https://www.scribblehub.com/series/163971/queensmen/
4. Hive https://www.scribblehub.com/series/334266/hive/
5. A Meeting of the Ways https://www.scribblehub.com/series/700231/a-meeting-of-the-ways/

Be Sure to Check out my Other Thread for my Youtube Channel
https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/looking-for-things-to-review.6228/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUJHTBWLa93g8k9SAXCgSzw

I shall partake in your kindness, sir.

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1112997-a-tamers-adventure/chapter/1112999/

 

[Takiemina]

As terrified as I can be for seeing how most of the other reviews turned out, I still want to know what you honestly think about my work. It is definitely not objectively good but everyone is trying their best, and I could not let a good critique slide. Thank you so much for the opportunity and for being such a kind-hearted soul, making the community feel welcome. <3

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1138362-venus-garden-resort-amp-spa/chapter/1138366/